How do I get DH to stop swearing at me?

[Definitelybeautiful]

I am not the easiest person to live with, but I am not the worst. I can push buttons and I admit that sometimes I am just looking for a fight. Trouble is that lately DH seems grumpy all the time. When we argue I tend to withdraw and he has a terrible temper. He swears all the time, I am an f-ing cunt, I need to f off, I am a fat bith, the worst mother ever etc etc etc. worse, now this is in front of my 6mo DD. He expects me to do most of the parenting but then makes a big show of being hands on in front of people and then if she is a little grumpy or unsettled he whisks her up and keeps telling her it is all my fault! But really, it is the swearing that is the worst. What can I do to make it stop?

People don't act like that to people that they love.

You need to set some boundaries, and if he can't stick to them, you need to think long and hard about what sort of childhood you want for your DD.

Do you want her to grow up thinking that you have to put up with crap like this if you love someone? That if you love someone that gives them a green light to use you as an emotional punchbag whenever they want? That when she is in a relationship herself, her feelings won't matter? That you are someone to despise? Because that is what will happen if you carry on making excuses for this fuckwit.

but he knows it is wrong but he has such a temper and is so sorry

Having a temper is no excuse-he is an adult. I expect that he can stop himself with some people e.g. his boss at work-he just doesn't bother with you because you take it. If he can't control it he needs to go to anger management sessions.

You stop him by getting yourself and your dd well away from his horrible, abusive, aggressive behaviour.
Have you told anyone in RL about this? What was their take on it?

You can't make him stop.

But by staying and accepting this treatment you can enable it to continue.

Right.

Does he talk to other people like that? His friends, his mum, his colleagues? No? Then he is deliberately targetting you for verbal abuse. His has plenty of control over the way he speaks to people... so he does it to you, because he wants to, and doesn't care how it makes you feel. His many apologies obviously count for nowt.

Definitelybeautiful. I don't think you are ready for this post of mine yet, but sadly this is time you have asked.

Your H is abusing you verbally. he is involving your child too. He may say sorry, but if he meant it, he'd not repeat it.

Men often become abusive when children come onto the scene.

You are entitled to be moody, narky sometimes, you have just had a baby FGS, life is not all roses atm.

HE however is NOT EVER entitled to call you a cunt, a bitch, useless, or worse tell your DD that you are. DO YOU HEAR ME, I SAID NEVER.

This situation will get worse. and worse. AND WORSE.

he is not your best friend. He will become your worst enemy. In time you will believe what he says about you. In time you will think he's right.

Understand this. By putting up with this, you are enabling his abuse of you. You are enabling his abuse of your baby. Your baby will be deemed as being directly abused by living in this environment. She grows up in this? THIS is all she will aspire to. You want that for her? Do you? Really?

If you don't tell him to get the hell out now, he will consider it permission to continue. There is a slim possibility that if you deal with this bravely, decisively and radically NOW, he may learn sharpish that he can't get away with this and he may even turn himself around.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to change, if indeed change is even possible.

I haven't told anyone in RL - for better or worse I am not really the kind of person who talks about personal issues.

Tbh I am kind of shocked by the responses (but if the shoe was on the other foot I would probably write the same), my husband is loving, kind, patient and wonderful. He only does this during a bad argument. It is just that at the moment, those are a little more frequent than usual. It would never even cross my mind to leave him. Ever.

Are you all going to say I am my own worst enemy and a lost cause now? :(

" my husband is loving, kind, patient and wonderful"

He isn't. He is aggressive and verbally abusive. He speaks to you like shit, so he obviously has no respect for you, despite what he says to the contrary,

His actions say it all. That behaviour is NEVER ok. Not ever. Not during a row or a really bad argument. Not telling your daughter that mummy is to blame. None of it. It's fucked up.

Can't you see that?

Yes you are your own worst enemy, but the choices you make will affect your DD. You could become her worst enemy too, by putting up with abusive behaviour.

You know he is also taking advantage of your mask too, don't you? He knows you'd never breathe a word to others about what happens. With any luck, when your daughter grows up she will feel able to tell another adult about the abuse she has witnessed (and possibly suffered) at home, but by then she will already have been damaged.

ALL abusers are lovely. When they need to be.

Nice blokes DON'T call their wives and the mother of their babies cunts, bitches, fat, useless. They DON'T, they REALLY DON'T!

These arguements are increasing, they will increase. They will NEVER go back to nothing. It never happens.

UNLESS you tell him to leave until he can address you with the respect you deserve, you are I'm afraid, going to be your worst enemy, and also your DDs too.

You are not a lost cause, very, very VERY far from it. If you don't insist this behaviour stops RIGHT NOW, you may be disempowered, you will be worn down to nothing, no self esteem and powerless to retort, to get away or to stand up for yourself.

BUT, you will never, ever be a lost cause, you hear me?

Have a look at this: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

His name calling is The Headworker,
His shouting is the Bully
His telling your DD that it's all your fault is The Bad Father
His doing fuck all with the child care but pulling out all the stops for an audience is CLASSIC The King of the Castle.

i bet he gets Sex when and how he wants it too doesn't he?

Sorry love, you are in love with an abusive man. You are not ready to leave him yet, but know that every day you stay, the harder it is to get out, the more you will kick yourself for ignoring the signs and not dealing with them decisively.

I did this for 10 years. It hurts like shit to realise this, and I wish it wasn't so.

Your relationship is not normal, your H is not normal. Good men don't do ANY of this.

Please understand this?

Your H needs to understand RIGHT NOW that actually you WOULD leave him in a heartbeat if he won't treat you properly.

He needs to know that if he doesn't stop RIGHT NOW, you will tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS, starting with his parents, your parents and ALL your friends.

You have to blow the ROOF off this one love. You keep all this secret and it will only grow. It's isolation, it's part of the abuse.

How many friends did you have before him, and how many do you have now? Is your family still close by? Please get RL support.

I'm sorry DB :( but he is verbally abusive, from the little you've put here, without a doubt. And that means it's irrelevant if he's nice at other times, because guess what? They all are.

Hissy is right. If he was genuinely sorry and he genuinely can't help it, he would be mortified and distraught at his own behaviour. He would seek help. It is never okay to tell your partner they are a "fat bitch" or a "fucking cunt". Doing it through or to your DD is awful as well - it might be a "joke" now but what happens when she starts to understand more language? Kids pick up on sentiments well before they can talk.

You aren't a lost cause, but he is - you won't change this behaviour, he clearly sees nothing wrong with it.

Being narky doesn't mean you're looking for a fight, BTW. You're entitled to be narky sometimes.

Ah Hissy thank you!! I have been looking for that document for ages!

:( Houdini thanks for your messages. He really really really is many of the good things on that document. There is no controlling issue - nothing with sex etc. We are financially equal, I have lots of friends who come round all the time, he doesn't stop me doing anything or anything like that. He helps with housework (some of the time) etc etc etc. I live overseas so I am far away from family.

He wouldn't talk to anyone else like this - but I know his verbal temper runs in his family - I have seen it is his DM and Dsis too. I absolutely know how bad this problem is - and that it has to stop.

:(

He might say and act like he is mortified and distraught after an outburst...but given that he goes right on ahead and does it again next time, he isn't in the least. He thinks it's fine.

The little boo-hoo-I'm-so-sorry-I-don't-know-why-I-do it routine is all it takes to keep you quiet. You believe him, so it works.

If it were true, he'd stop doing it. He's not a machine...he is in complete control of his own reactions...just as you are yours.

Well there you go - he has witnessed this behaviour throughout his life, and considers it acceptable.
As your daughter will.

He sounds foul. Do you want carry on spending the rest of your whole life with this person? Do you really want to be in the same boat, perhaps worse, when you are 50, 60, 70...? This is no way to live. You only get one chance at life.

The thing is though, if it was just the swearing and/or shouting then it wouldn't be as bad, it's the fact he's calling you name directly, what does that say about how he sees you, deep down, when he's angry?

An abuser doesn't have to tick every single "abuse" box for the things that they do to be abusive. If it really is just this issue and perhaps he doesn't question it because of his childhood, maybe some kind of therapy would help? - He would have to want to do it though, for himself, not just for you, and as Hissy says you need to be strong as well and not let him slip back into it. And you would need to make sure that the therapist is going to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. So most likely a DV perpetrator program (even though that seems extreme - remember his behaviour is abusive.) or possibly anger management, although I think in some cases this can be counterproductive?

Love, he is manageable because he has you where he wants you, he is getting his own way, life is on his terms and you are far from your own family.

Would your dad talk to your mum the way your DH talks to you?

You need to tell him that unless he stops, that you AND YOUR DD will be going back home to where you will NOT be called a CUNT in front of her.

think about it, she's about 6m off speaking. What would you think if her first word was Cunt? do this for her, the poor mite.

I know your are defensive, I understand, you are not ready to see what is really going on. I was the same. You are ready when you are ready.

Op - one thing to remember is this.

He is not abusive because he is angry....he behaves angrily because he is an abusive person.

We all get angry...but most of us certainly don't verbally abuse our spouses.

His 'temper' or 'anger' is NO excuse for calling you names or swearing aggressively at you. He does those things because it serves a purpose for him in keeping you where he wants you...scared, doubtful, accepting blame, and feeling sorry for him. The apologies are all part of the same cycle.

I had a great friend who I thought was married to a fabulous man. comes from a godawful family, but he apparently broke the mould.

She and I were both expats. Mine was full on controlling all the time, hers I thought was a good guy. When she came home ahead of him expecting him to follow her, he flipped, he turned into a monster far worse than mine.

She couldn't understand why after all that time did he do that. The answer was that broadly his needs were being met, he was in total control, but the minute his wife was better able to stand on her own feet, he changed, and how.

You know what I think. I'm not the only one. The scales are falling from your eyes, don't sweep your suspicions under the carpet. TALK to your family. TELL this 'man' to get over himself or you WILL go home.

Your self respect is worth more than anything, believe me.

He helps with housework... HELPS? funny that.

Helps with child care sometimes too (when there is an audience)

He calls you a Cunt in front of and worse still THROUGH your daughter.

he shouts.

Shouting when a child is in the house is direct abuse of them. Your DD is suffering abuse directly. Loud noises is the 2nd primal fear.

Your H is abusing you. Your H is abusing your 6m old daughter.

It stops NOW.

Everything Houdini says is the absolute truth. I'm really sorry OP but it seems like you have your eyes wide shut to what is happening here.

You said yourself that if you read this about someone else, then you would be saying the same thing, so how come it is different for you? Noone understands as we're not lving your life? No, you're right, we aren't living your life, but we've lived ours and know how draining and emotionally damaging living in this type of environment is, because we know how hard it is to accept that the life we had then was not the one we had envisaged for ourselves and our children.

I've been out of my relationship for just over a year now, and it still galls me to think that I, a strong intelligent woman, managed to let a complete arsehole take control.

It's going to get worse you know, youre letting him think that calling yu names is acceptable and that you condone the behaviour, if you let him call you these names then what else will you let him do? It's all so subtle that by the time the REALLY nasty stuff happens, you'll wonder where the time went.

I honestly hope to whatever that it doesnt and that he will realise that talking to people like this is unacceptable and shit, but i dont think he will....we will be here for you when youre ready to make the move, but it doesnt sound lie youre ready to accept what we are saying just yet.

Good luck. x

"He only does this during a bad argument" which at the moment is "all the time"??

he swears at you inf ront of your dd -do you think he will stop when she old enough to repeat back what he says?

do you want her first word to be "f**" oc "cxxx" ?
does he?

if he says he will stop when she repeating, then he can stop now if he wants to.
but he wont change if he doesnt think it is a problem.

abusers dont abuse 24/7.

some people cant cope with having a baby and the implicaitons, the fact baby gets all the attention.
he can seek help if he realises this.
if he doesnt you have to consdier your choices.