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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get DH to stop swearing at me?

93 replies

Definitelybeautiful · 06/12/2011 18:50

I am not the easiest person to live with, but I am not the worst. I can push buttons and I admit that sometimes I am just looking for a fight. Trouble is that lately DH seems grumpy all the time. When we argue I tend to withdraw and he has a terrible temper. He swears all the time, I am an f-ing cunt, I need to f off, I am a fat bith, the worst mother ever etc etc etc. worse, now this is in front of my 6mo DD. He expects me to do most of the parenting but then makes a big show of being hands on in front of people and then if she is a little grumpy or unsettled he whisks her up and keeps telling her it is all my fault! But really, it is the swearing that is the worst. What can I do to make it stop?

OP posts:

Original poster

Definitelybeautiful · 13/12/2011 19:37

So.......it didn't work. Tonight I am a fucking cunt. And now he says he has been cheating on me and that I have sex with family members (I guess a reference to the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of an extended family member).

Shit.....I have to leave don't I? He says I cant take DH. I am overseas, where do I start?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 19:38

You do have to leave. Hopefully someone will come and tell you how you go about it. So sorry.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 19:40

Sorry to hear this.
Does your dd have a passport?
Are you in the EU?

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 19:41

Can you get a family member over to help you, like your dad?

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 20:31

Sorry (((((hugs))))) Hopefully someone will give practical advice.

madonnawhore · 13/12/2011 20:34

Jesus Christ. Yes, you have to leave. As soon as possible.

Where are you in the world?

brandrethmupp · 13/12/2011 20:43

Tell us where in the world you are. Even if you can't bring dd back to UK, you should be able to contact an organisation where you are to help you leave. Try not to give him too much info. Make secret plans to get out.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 20:46

There are so many international mumsnetters, so if we know where you are (ie what country you are in), there might be some more practical advice for you.

NotJustForClassic · 13/12/2011 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliveFiveO · 13/12/2011 22:20

You possibly need to look close to home. Why do you pick a fight?Why do you purposely push his buttons? What is your motive for doing so?You know you are doing it so why do it?Does he swear outside of this context at all?Do you?

Now don't get me wrong, constant swearing is inappropriate let alone in front of your child, but so is doing what you are doing is it not.You don't seem to respect one another.

madonnawhore · 13/12/2011 22:24

AliveFiveO The OP's DH is entirely responsible for his own actions. If he swears and cheats on her, that's because he's a crap human being. It's nothing to do with the OP.

Someone could scream and shout at me all they wanted, but because I have self control I can choose how I respond and whether I swear back or not.

What a shame if your own behaviour is so easily manipulated and triggered by others that you can't help yourself.

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 22:50

I can't believe that I read your post AliveFiveO.
He is an adult-he is entirely responsible for his own actions -it is utterly pathetic if someone says 'they made me do it'.

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 22:54

You do not abuse, verbally, mentally or physically the person you love -Full stop.
He wouldn't do it with his boss or someone who has power and wouldn't let him-he is a bully. (I doubt whether he would even swear at OP in front of his boss-that tells you that he can control himself-if he wants to).

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 23:16

Besides we dont know if it is the dh blaming op, saying she is pushing his buttons and that she is difficult to live with. For all we know, she doesnt, but has been told so by him. Could be her attempts at asserting herself is branded "button pushing". This is not OPs fault.

FairstiveGreetings · 13/12/2011 23:18

OP does your DH have access to this thread or is it password protected. You need to make sure he doesn't become aware of your plans to leave. Well done, by the way, on making that decision. The first step is the hardest.

Is there any way you can plan a 'holiday' to the uk with your dd. If you can both get here it will probably be easier to just stay, initially on an extended holiday.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 23:23

Yes, a Christmas visit home might be the easiest way to go.

Dont let him know you are leaving. Just take it slow, and make your preparations. Like, have your account details, passport, birth certificate (for baby), marriage certificate handy, and bide your time. You can plan a visit to see your parents in the new year. Would that work?

HoudiniHissy · 13/12/2011 23:32

Yep, another one here that says DON'T SHOW ANY SIGNS OF PANIC.

Say to him that you and the DC need to come back to the UK for Christmas, that he could do with a break and so could you, that it'll be better in the NY.

Gather your babies and come home.

I always used to be using up the return ticket to come home, but if you need to book a ticket, book it for a couple of weeks, a normal amount of time. Take Birth certs/vaccine info etc, if safe to do so. Take whatever is really important, but be prepared to leave the rest.
If you are able to withdraw money, do it as safely as you can.

ThereGoesTheFear · 14/12/2011 12:12

What a nasty creature. It's not just name-calling - he's using the unthinkable to get at you.

Great news you're planning your escape. You need to tread carefully if you're bringing your DD back to the UK. Would he look to force her back through the courts. Where in the world are you? If you're living somewhere that's signed up to the Hague Convention, I would strongly suggest you talk to a lawyer first. You can PM me for more information.

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