How do I get DH to stop swearing at me?

[Definitelybeautiful]

I am not the easiest person to live with, but I am not the worst. I can push buttons and I admit that sometimes I am just looking for a fight. Trouble is that lately DH seems grumpy all the time. When we argue I tend to withdraw and he has a terrible temper. He swears all the time, I am an f-ing cunt, I need to f off, I am a fat bith, the worst mother ever etc etc etc. worse, now this is in front of my 6mo DD. He expects me to do most of the parenting but then makes a big show of being hands on in front of people and then if she is a little grumpy or unsettled he whisks her up and keeps telling her it is all my fault! But really, it is the swearing that is the worst. What can I do to make it stop?

"some people cant cope with having a baby and the implications, the fact baby gets all the attention"

^^ This. Just THIS!

Isn't this the saddest thing in the world?

Seen this one? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1357285-I-always-said-I-would-leave-him-if-he-hurt-me-and-now-that-day-has-come#28868685

Who is telling you that you are not the easiest person to live with? That you can push buttons? That you are looking for a fight?

It is him, isnt it? He is blaming YOU for his abusive behaviour.

Soon you will think "I just need to modify MY behavior, to keep him calm, to stop him from going off on one." And then the threading on eggshells really begin. When you start thinking that to stay with him, to have a peaceful life without arguments, you just need to keep pleasing him, ensuring that he comes first.

Are you there already, maybe?

And he is controlling you. He is manipulating you through your own baby. He is shielding himself with the baby, using the baby to abuse you.

How do you think this will escalate?

Do you still want to be there? At the receiving end?

Can you just take your baby, go home for Christmas to visit, and just never go back? Break the circle of abuse in his family, that his and your baby is now becoming part of.

Thanks all - I will talk to him. I won't let this impact my baby.

I am not scared of my husband. He does not in any way control me.

With respect. How long have you been with this guy? couple of years right?

Baby is only 6m old.

Give him time and he'll prove you wrong. Not us. UNLESS YOU ACT NOW.

What do you do when he starts to shout, and call you a cunt? what do you do? honestly?

You try to calm him , try to placate him? try to get him to stop shouting at you, stop swearing at you. You've clearly tried to stop him before now, but failed. Now you have come here to ask US how to get him to stop.

WE can't give you a magic strategy to make him stop. YOU can't make him stop. He CHOOSES to verbally abuse and batter you. He knows he shouldn't. But he does it anyway. He apologises. Does he get make up sex too?

Those rows are increasing, even you can see it. Soon they will be more prevalent than the nice and you will be on eggshells trying to second guess what he will call you a fucking cunt over next.

All the time he'll find subtle ways of reinforcing his statement that you are useless (you are not) and how you are being a bad mum to your DD. (you are not, HE's the BAD PARENT)

Fast forward and your DD may believe him. You thought of that?

The only way to stop him doing this is to show him the consequences, cool, cold and firm, that if he treats you like this, he will lose you. The ONLY way you have of a merest whiff of a chance to stop this is to show him that you WILL walk out on him over this.

You need to put an end to this. A few years from now, your daughter will throw a strop and call you a "fat cunt" in the shopping center, while stomping her feet.

After all, thats what she has learnt at home.

You write that his mother and sister act the same as he does; this is inbuilt learnt behaviour which is deeply rooted within his own pysche.

What do you want to teach your own DD about relationships; that it is somehow acceptable to be called such foul names by her Dad?.

He may well act nice when other people are around; abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world but their mask always slips.

Re your comment:-
"Thanks all - I will talk to him. I won't let this impact my baby"

It already is impacting on your child; she is hearing all of this and cannot process any of it.

You're the last person whom he'd listen to, not that you can help him anyway. He at heart despises you, he also calls you such names because he can. This is about power and control; abuse is about power and control.

"I am not scared of my husband. He does not in any way control me".
Oh yes he does; by his abusive language. He is beating you down. You're asking us how to make him stop.

why didnt you nip it in the bud the very first time he said it

i wouldnt allow anyone to speak to me that way a second time, and thats the truth.

Bit late to start moaning about it now tbh unless you are prepared to stand up and walk away

I love my husband very very much and he is my best friend.

wow, with friends like that, who needs enemies.

my husband is loving, kind, patient and wonderful.

pmsl at this - yeah love he sounds wonderful. Thats why he calls you a fat bitch. Mine generally says I love you but each to their own

You mention earlier that you live overseas - is he foreign?
Only asking because swearing in a different language often doesn't have the same connotations as your mother tongue - I can let rip like a trooper in Spanish (my DW's native language), but none of it 'means' anything to me, if that makes sense, and certainly doesn't have the emotional content that would be included if I did it in English (which I don't).

Having said that, claiming you are a 'bad mother' and talking to your daughter about it (although unlikely to understand any of it) is not on at all, and really not acceptable...

(Incidentally I can do Italian, German and French too, with Italian being by far the most expressive :-) )

I agree with you MrM, swearing in other languages does take the edge off, I'm guessing YOU still wouldn't call your wife the equivalent of a cunt though, would you? even if you didn't feel the meaning of it.

Irrespective of native languages etc, he needs to know it's unacceptable to HER. That is all that matters.

Everything HoudiniHissy said is spot-on. Please listen to her.

I wish to God that I'd had the guts to tell someone in the early days, and that I'd had advice like that. Might have saved a lot of heartache for me and my beautiful children.

Native language is no excuse here; unless he also calls you a cunt in front of other people he knows exactly the emotional content.

Of course not - as you say, if unacceptable to her, then he should not do it.

I would though, be tempted (on occasions!) to say to my wife 'quel con' in French, for example, which literally translates into 'what a cunt', but is much much less rude in French than in English, and in real terms is closer to 'what an idiot' ... If she didn't know that as well, then I can imagine having some problems!

Not trying to excuse at all, but I could potentially see how it happens...
Still not happy about the 'bad mother' thing and if he is a native speaker, then completely out of order.

its not the word though is it, he could call her a cabbage - its the venom, nastiness and hate behind it. If you are calling your wife a fat bitch in good humour, its not something i would put up with, but loads would. If you are calling your wife a fat bitch in hate and nastiness thats a whole nother ball game

You are me a few years ago even from wanting to never discuss personal stuff outside the relationship. The most wonderful man I'd ever met turned into my worst nightmare from hell...

Listen to Hissy and co, they are telling you how it really is...
if only I knew then what I know know eh xx

MrM, absolutely agree, the equivalent word to upset to the same extent as our english Cunt would not always be a direct translation.

Son of a Bitch means little to us in UK English, but Hijo/Filho de Puta REAALLY upsets those in Iberia/Latin America.

I think it IS appropriate to look at culture, in order to rule it out and to remove it as an excuse.

So you don't join in with the swearing OP, that's good to hear.

Not sure if you can really call yourself a good role model though, if you are modelling to your dd that, if you put up with a man swearing and being abusive it will be ok because he will say sorry and help out with the housework and, if you're lucky, maybe some of the childcare too. How is that a good role model?

Oh fairstive, that's a little harsh! Give the girl a break eh? she's not even got her head around that this is an abusive relationship yet!

Don't start calling her a poor role model. Comments like that are no better than her abusive partner makes. Have a heart and be a little more responsible with your comments please?

She needs to absorb this and understand exactly what situation she is in. IMO, she is not quite ready yet. It's not ideal, but we have sown the seeds for her and hopefully, now that she knows that there is no excuse that warrants his treatment of her, maybe soon she will come to understand that she has to stand up for herself and for her DD.

they are not in immediate danger. Yes both mum and DD are being abused, but in time this is a matter that she can resolve.

I'm just telling it like it is Hissy like everyone else here.

I'm not saying she's a bad mother, I'm not abusing her, I am saying she is doing one thing wrong and that is allowing him to speak to her like that.

Yeah, but you don't HAVE to be so blunt about it. WTF do you know about any of this? I'm willing to bet the answer is naff all, cos otherwise you'd have some empathy.

It pisses me off when people are unjustifiably cruel and then trot out the bollocks that is 'i'm just tellin it how it is' or 'I speak my mind' and the ace in the hole 'I'm outspoken, me'.

What it actually IS, is name calling. What it achieves is to tell an already abused woman that on some level you agree with a man telling her she's shit. What that does is to send this woman into hiding, and prolongs, not shortens the nightmare she is in.

This is not AIBU, this is not Baby Naming, or Chat or whatever, this is an abuse thread, and THAT is pretty clear from the title.

OP herself is not doing anything WRONG, she is here to ask for help as to how to stop the situation she is in. She's now been brought up to speed with a jolt, and is struggling to understand what has just been said. I have told her, as have others that I know have been in similar situations that the relationship she is enduring is unhealthy, that it won't get any better and that it is highly harmful to her and to her DD. Not once have I said that SHE is responsible for any of that. Not once did I agree, nor would I, that she is a lost cause.

Your comment contradicts that. I'm not happy about that. This is NOT OP's fault.

Far from 'telling it how it is', you actually come across as mean-spirited and possessing a yawning gap in your understanding on this subject.

When she knows better, she is in a position to do better. OUR job is to support her make that decision.

WTF do you know about any of this - You swearing at me Hissy??

I don't know why you think my comment in particular is so offensive.

What about this one which was posted before mine, but actually making the exact same point:

Do you want her to grow up thinking that you have to put up with crap like this if you love someone? That if you love someone that gives them a green light to use you as an emotional punchbag whenever they want? That when she is in a relationship herself, her feelings won't matter? That you are someone to despise? Because that is what will happen if you carry on making excuses for this fuckwit

Or this one : you are enabling his abuse of you. You are enabling his abuse of your baby. Your baby will be deemed as being directly abused by living in this environment. She grows up in this? THIS is all she will aspire to. You want that for her? Do you?

Or this: you are your own worst enemy, but the choices you make will affect your DD. You could become her worst enemy too

Another one: What do you want to teach your own DD about relationships; that it is somehow acceptable to be called such foul names by her Dad

And as far as your assumption goes, well yes, I do know something about this. I have had to go no contact with my parents. But that's another story. Let's just hope that doesn't happen to OP's dd.

What it achieves is to tell an already abused woman that on some level you agree with a man telling her she's shit

For the record OP, I do not agree with your DH in case that's how you interpreted my post. I agree with everyone else who says you do not have to put up with this from him. I am now with a wonderful man who respects me and would not dream of swearing at me like that, even in anger.

MrM DH is a native speaker but not uk. This might be a factor, but not really sure.

I had a chat to him tonight about it. We have agreed that Dd and I will not be hanging around if it happens again. He promises to try, he has before but I guess the difference is my meaning my threat.

You need to mean it. If we can help you in anyway, don't hesitate to ask eh?

We are here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it.

(((((HUGS)))))