It's because I'm Black.

[DV8]

Its one of those 'I need to write this down, thank you for reading, please don't feel the need to reply' posts.

My adoption papers stated that it would be difficult placing a half-caste child.
This was in the 1970s. I was adopted by a white couple & brought up in a white community.

I have a clear memory of standing in a clothes shop with my mum, I was about 4 years old, looking at the posters on the wall of the models. I thought if I was white I would be beautiful like those models.

I was ugly, dirty, stupid, I was told to 'go back to your own country, paki', I was called the 'N' word, wog, monkey, chocolate face ... by adults.

There was the time when I was cornered in the playground by one of the big boys, he was shouting racist abuse, I was terrified & couldn't move. Then I saw the dinner lady - she had come to my rescue, I thought she was kind & nice, maybe one day I would get to walk around the playground holding her hand like the other girls did. She just stood there, watching, then shouted at me for messing about.

Because I'm black, I am grateful to people who want to befriend me.

Sometimes I am wary of people, racism gives off a certain vibe, even without words. Or maybe it's that 'chip on my shoulder' that I was born with.

I have brought up my children to be proud of who they are, proud of their colour. Racism is due to ignorance. One of my sons has been beaten up 3 times, I feel guilty - my children are black because I am.

I can talk the talk - I'm a strong black woman, I'm black & I'm proud.

My first husband was abusive towards me, but not racist, so I was thankful for that. My current husband is also abusive & once again, it seems acceptable because his abuse isn't racist. I'm just relieved that he doesn't call me the 'N' word.

I'm 40 years old now but sometimes I'm still that 4 year old in the shop. I look a lot younger than 40, of course, because I'm Black.

Ok, two MN cliches, but:

1. Have you considered therapy as a safe place to talk all of this out some more and explore your feelings about it all? and
2. Leave the bastard.

Seriously.

Why not try writing down all the positives you feel about yourself?

Obviously the racism is their problem, not yours. Be proud to be you.

It's rubbish being mixed race but at least we look young

I'm very to sorry to hear that OP. I grew up in a very small seaside town with no black families. There was one Asian family and god knows what shit they had to put up with. I had never met a gay person until I was 21. I'm so glad that I am bringing my children up in Manchester and that they don't see any differences between anyone.

Please think about getting some counselling and look after yourself x

your post has made me cry, you should never have to put up with any abuse, racial or otherwise. I thinkwhen things are bad we all feel like a helpless child again, I am so sorry that you feel this way.

couldn't read and run. You sound incredibly strong. Don't let the bastards gring you down

grind

Sometimes I am wary of people, racism gives off a certain vibe, even without words. Or maybe it's that 'chip on my shoulder' that I was born with

I am a white mother to 2 mixed race dds. Racism does give off a vibe. i can feel it and i'm white. dont believe that chip on your shoulder bollocks.

do you still live in an all white area? have you considered moving?/ could you move? You need to leave your abusive partner- maybe you could move some where with a larger black population?

Are you black or mixed race? Intermix.org has online forums with some interesting discussions and a few members who grew up in the 70s in all white areas (it has a long term troll who undermines a lot of threads and at the moment it isnt very active but have a look at some of the older discussions)

Have you spoken to a counsellor?

This breaks my heart because it is what I worry about for my dds
Lots of love x

DV8 - What Bejeezus said: "I am a white mother to 2 mixed race dds. Racism does give off a vibe. i can feel it and i'm white. dont believe that chip on your shoulder bollocks." - yup. me too, I agree.

I can't, of course, tell you how to be a black woman, but NO woman needs to be grateful for the attention of an abusive man. Look up Freedom Training? Try some counselling?

And I do agree about living in a mixed area. It is often disputed on MN that there is no issue in the UK, but there is, there really is, but in our multicultural, multi-racial inner city Brixtonish part of London, ALL the kids in DS's class are diverse and different from the others in some way - comments I have heard from a child arriving from a country where she had been bullied are 'everyone's different, so no one stands out for being different'.

No one should have to engineer their lives in accordance to others' ignorance though, and I am sure you have brought up your kids to know that however others behave the problem is the behaviour, not them as target.

Anyway, sorry you have had such a rough time.

Good luck.

DD went through a stage of wanting to be blonde with straight hair, as most of her friends were. DW and I showed her lots of beautiful, black and mixed race children and adults and talked to her about how all her friends love her hair and her colour and she should too.

OP, your self esteem sounds shot, which is your abusive partners fault. You shouldn't feel lucky taht he's not racist, as he is still abusive.

I agree that racism and bigotry give off vibes, I've become more attuned to it since being with DW. I find that racists also tend to be all round bigots. There are no easy answers to living with it, just try and be strong and rise above.

OP you do not have a chip on your shoulder. That is the cop out that others will use to keep you from saying what makes them uncomfortable. I wholeheartedly agree with that racism gives out a certain vibe. You have spoken for many, many mixed race people brought up in those early days. It was a different world, a hurtful dangerous place.

I could have written your post, the dinner lady at infant school that forced me to eat and said I did it deliberately when I threw it up, the taunts in the playground, the pathetic gratitude that anyone would be my friend and take me on. The dying inside each time someone said something that made sure I knew I didn't belong.

I remember telling my white Mother that I was lucky when any boy would have me, being 'half caste'. Her reply? "Yes darling". I was 15. I then went on to have abusive relationships with anyone who didn't appear to be overtly racist. Of course after I had trusted them and opened up about it all, the veiled racist insult would be their ultimate weapon of choice.

You've taken a huge step in articulating this, maybe now you will be able to talk this out with a suitably qualified therapist. Being mixed race in 1960's and 70s Britain a very lonely place. The replies you get on here should be some help to know you are not alone.

I don't know where to start. You know you deserve so much more than this..
For starters you need to leave your partner..
What happened to you when you were a child is heartbreaking and is everything about the morons who were around you. Please don't those idiots make you feel like you don't deserve the very best ever again x

Thank you for replying. It has helped.

A safe place to discuss this would be good, I don't trust people very easily.

Thanks x

you could discuss it here until you find somewhere in real life?

do you feel like you're at a crisis point?

Come and join us on the 'Support for those in Emotional Abusive relationships' thread- the ladies there are lovely. There are people in physically abusive relationships on there too. Plenty who have left and plenty in are still in their relationships.

It seems to me you have 2 seperate issues; your low self esteem from having been racially abused from child hood, probably compounded by being adopted? AND your abusive relationship. It seems we end up in abusive relationships because of low self esteem, but that is not to say it is your fault; It is your husbands fault only, that he is abusive. He chooses to abuse you. You cant change him, but you can change yourself. Please dont put up with it.

How old are your children?

I am also a white mother of a mixed race child and my heart goes out to you.

I agree with previous posters - find a good therapist, and don't take no abuse from your husband.

You deserve the very best in life!

I can't believe people can be so cruel.

if I had the chance I'd swap my white skin for half caste in a heartbeat. I'm so envious of the beautiful skin tone and gorgeous deep brown eyes, and don't even get me started on the hair

< wistful sigh > :)

My partner is mixed race, he had a terrible time as a child: spat at and called names, not allowed in other peoples houses. The only other mixed race children where he lived were his cousins. These days he rarely experiences racism, but those feelings as a child are ingrained.

And yes he does have a beautiful skintone and gorgeous deep broen eyes.

OP - I'm sure that there are organisations out there (online) that discuss what you have been through.

Yes, times have changed but we do carry our feelings from childhood with us.

I'm mixed (white /asian) and grew up in a very white area and I had big issues at primary school - not from the kids (who just loved the so called 'difference' of our family) but from the teachers. Again, it was the vibe - my parents felt it and were concerned. The only reason they left me at that school was because I was very happy with my friends. I was written off as having no future (was pretty much told that - was forced to have extra tuition in maths for no reason - excluded from conducting assembly with friends etc) and it affected my confidence terribly.I felt slow and stupid. I was the invisible child - like by the teachers as I was good as gold but just a waste of time to them.

I did well from secondary onwards but my parents say I do have a bad habit of doing way too much to prove my worth at work etc.Just an inner lack of confidence (that many many women have). My parents to this day are convinced I had some issues when I started secondary school (I didn't) but I guess that's just them being concerned that I was just that little bit different from the other kids.

Don't feel guilty that your son has been beaten up. You didn't commit a criminal violent act - criminals did.

Your lack of self love will not be helping you in this relationship OP. Please go get some help you get the sort of life you want and deserve. Love yourself some more - you've done well and you're a concerned and loving mother. Give yourself a break. Don't be a big people pleaser.

I am always baffled at the sheer stupidity of some human beings who place judgement on a person they have never known by the tone of their skin. Being born in a place where everybody was white is no excuse. I never saw a black person until I was about 12 (a family with two children) and I specifically remember feeling curiosity, and approaching them with a smile to say hello. The kids smiled back and we started talking. I remember feeling very sad because whey were only passing by, and I would not have the chance to see them again. For a child, anything "different" is instinctively met with healthy curiosity and the desire to learn. Any kid that approaches any difference with disdain and hatred has been taught to do so by adults.

I am so, so sorry that any of you has been treated so appallingly. It makes me ashamed of belonging to the human race.

Like Aurynne says it makes me ashamed to belong to the human race when you hear things like this, many White girls spend a small fortune on tanning salons to look like mixed race . My own nieces daughter openly says she hates being so White & wishes she had brown skin. It's a crazy mixed up world we live in.

I grew up in a all White area
I was picked on and felt is there was something very wrong with me

In my 20's I began to feel confident in my beauty when men of my own race were attracted to me.

Surround yourself with a similar ethnic mix and you can find positive role models and then feel beautiful

Please don't feel alone
Your not
You just grew up in the wrong environment

This is so sad.

I identify with everything you have said, op.

I feel guilty - my children are black because I am.

I think this is one of the saddest things I have ever read on here :(

I don't know what to say, I have nothing constructive to add. Except to echo what aurynne said. Your posts make me ashamed to be part of the human race.