It's because I'm Black.

[DV8]

Its one of those 'I need to write this down, thank you for reading, please don't feel the need to reply' posts.

My adoption papers stated that it would be difficult placing a half-caste child.
This was in the 1970s. I was adopted by a white couple & brought up in a white community.

I have a clear memory of standing in a clothes shop with my mum, I was about 4 years old, looking at the posters on the wall of the models. I thought if I was white I would be beautiful like those models.

I was ugly, dirty, stupid, I was told to 'go back to your own country, paki', I was called the 'N' word, wog, monkey, chocolate face ... by adults.

There was the time when I was cornered in the playground by one of the big boys, he was shouting racist abuse, I was terrified & couldn't move. Then I saw the dinner lady - she had come to my rescue, I thought she was kind & nice, maybe one day I would get to walk around the playground holding her hand like the other girls did. She just stood there, watching, then shouted at me for messing about.

Because I'm black, I am grateful to people who want to befriend me.

Sometimes I am wary of people, racism gives off a certain vibe, even without words. Or maybe it's that 'chip on my shoulder' that I was born with.

I have brought up my children to be proud of who they are, proud of their colour. Racism is due to ignorance. One of my sons has been beaten up 3 times, I feel guilty - my children are black because I am.

I can talk the talk - I'm a strong black woman, I'm black & I'm proud.

My first husband was abusive towards me, but not racist, so I was thankful for that. My current husband is also abusive & once again, it seems acceptable because his abuse isn't racist. I'm just relieved that he doesn't call me the 'N' word.

I'm 40 years old now but sometimes I'm still that 4 year old in the shop. I look a lot younger than 40, of course, because I'm Black.

Its true, though, isnt it? @Fellatio.

'Beautiful' black women in the West = Halle Berry. Fair skinned and with quite European features. I think thats complete bollocks, obviously, but I am aware that my DD doesnt fit the bill and I worry that she may feel somehow inferior. I think she is bloody gorgeous, obviously.

The 'white is beautiful' thing isn't about being beautiful or not though. It's about being not white and all that, that entails.

Op wasn't bullied for being ugly. She wad bullied for being not white

She was bullied for being different.

For being 'other'. For 'not being like everyone else.'

That's why I just squirm a bit at the talk of praising black or mixed race beauty - because it confirms a difference, and that's what the trouble is.

fellatio you don't need to be so defensive

No one is accusing you of being racist

What you articulated is not comfortable or acceptable for some people. Can you try to understand why they feel like that?

True@bejeezus. This is a bit of a digression, really.

The OP suffered vicious racism. What can you say? Totally inexcusable. I can absolutely see why the OP feels the way she does. I have never experienced anything like it, obviously, although on a few occasions some white boys from the estate I grew up on did call me a 'nigger lover' and spat at me for dating a black guy. That was just a few times. I cannot imagine being black and having to put up with that shit day in day out, especially as a child. Breaks my heart to think of it. And I know its was a lot worse in years gone by. DH came from JA 1970s to West London and was one of only a few black boys at his school. Even the teachers were racist. He tells some awful stories about it.

Did anyone catch the Mixed Britannia season on TV a couple of months ago?

Back to OP please

DV8 - are you in a position to a) cut out the bad from you life and c) move forward?

Very much hope so.

See, 30 or 40 years ago people used to say 'black people have such great rhythm!" or "well of course they're such natural athletes!"

Now, no-one of any reasonable good sense (and I include everyone on this thread) would dream of saying something so crass.

I suppose I think the whole "pretty mixed race kid/you're so lucky you'll never age" thing is, to me, the same principle.

Sorry, realise I'm banging on about it. Stopping now. Am a shocking derailer.

Yes, I agree with you scarlett - but what about the OP? She's going through hell.

The thing is, these feelings the OP carries with her are complex.

I really do think therapy is the way forward - not because there is ANYTHING wrong with you, OP< but because you probably need some help to unravel it all, make sense of it and work through it. This is heavy shit, if you'll excuse my French. Someone saying 'there, there, love, its not your fault' isn't going to cut it.

Abusive relationships make everything worse, too. That needs to be dealt with.

You're right giveitago and sorry about the trajectory...

DV8, hoping you are still with us. I think what's most tragic is that your self-worth has been so damaged that the swine man you are saddled with has been able to treat you like shit - because ignorant cunts (pardon me) made you feel like shit, so long ago.

It's not often that I want to say 'leave the bastard', but seriously: here, it is maybe the first step?

You deserve better - not as a mixed-race woman, but as a human

DV8
Your post is very sad. I am sorry that you feel the way you do. You do not deserve to feel this way about yourself.
Have you spoken to anyone about your adoption? I think this must have a baring on how you are feeling about yourself - not just the awful racism.

Have you been able to 'deal' with the fact you were given up (I presume you were relinquished as it was 40 years ago) for adoption?

I am the mother of 5 incredible mixed race children. I hope that I can protect them from some of the abuse you have suffered. It makes me feel so sad to think of that 4 year old girl being terrified and alone

You are worth more than a man who is horrible to you whether he uses the N word or not.

DV8 I am so sorry, your op was truly heartrending to read. It is horrible to think of a poor child feeling that way, and equally heartrending to think of a 40 year old woman who is still feeiling so unhappy, and in a horrible relationship.

I agree with Mrsdv that maybe your feelings of hopelessness may also be to do with being adopted. My birth mother gave me up, and it still has repurcussions 33 years later. i think it is very difficult to get away from the feeling of worthlessness when your mother doesn't want you. Your mother is supposed to love you at all costs. When that doesn't happen it can make you feel less deserving of love from anyeone else, iyswim.

I think casual racism is so prevalent still in the UK, especially in rural areas. Lots of people deny it, but it is true. There was a long thread a couple of weeks ago about a child calling a black woman 'chocolate face'. Lots of people on that thread just couldn't see that that would be hurtful.

I am glad I live in a mixed race area, and my dd is growing up surrounded by different cultures.

OP I hope you can ain some comfort from some of the messages and links on this thread. You deserve to be cherished.