It's because I'm Black.

[DV8]

Its one of those 'I need to write this down, thank you for reading, please don't feel the need to reply' posts.

My adoption papers stated that it would be difficult placing a half-caste child.
This was in the 1970s. I was adopted by a white couple & brought up in a white community.

I have a clear memory of standing in a clothes shop with my mum, I was about 4 years old, looking at the posters on the wall of the models. I thought if I was white I would be beautiful like those models.

I was ugly, dirty, stupid, I was told to 'go back to your own country, paki', I was called the 'N' word, wog, monkey, chocolate face ... by adults.

There was the time when I was cornered in the playground by one of the big boys, he was shouting racist abuse, I was terrified & couldn't move. Then I saw the dinner lady - she had come to my rescue, I thought she was kind & nice, maybe one day I would get to walk around the playground holding her hand like the other girls did. She just stood there, watching, then shouted at me for messing about.

Because I'm black, I am grateful to people who want to befriend me.

Sometimes I am wary of people, racism gives off a certain vibe, even without words. Or maybe it's that 'chip on my shoulder' that I was born with.

I have brought up my children to be proud of who they are, proud of their colour. Racism is due to ignorance. One of my sons has been beaten up 3 times, I feel guilty - my children are black because I am.

I can talk the talk - I'm a strong black woman, I'm black & I'm proud.

My first husband was abusive towards me, but not racist, so I was thankful for that. My current husband is also abusive & once again, it seems acceptable because his abuse isn't racist. I'm just relieved that he doesn't call me the 'N' word.

I'm 40 years old now but sometimes I'm still that 4 year old in the shop. I look a lot younger than 40, of course, because I'm Black.

I spoke to my mum yesterday on this topic & she remembers an incident where one of a group of older lads shouted 'Paki' at my then teenage sister.
My sister stopped mum confronting him saying, 'i'm used to it; it happens all the time'.
I was shocked to hear my mum say that - although i knew my sister missed most of the gcse years due to bullying, her problems hadn't registered with me as i was very ill during those years.
The teachers just accepted my sister's fake sick notes & luckily mum didn't get in trouble - this was just before parents became liable to be punished for their child missing school.
As my sister was clever she passed the gcses anyway, now age 31 she has a career, penthouse & sports car. She is stunning & glamourous. But still insecure so sadly all her exes were abusive.
I'm angry now to discover that the old school 'friends' that tolerated or even joined in with the racism are now on her facebook & want to be friends like nothing happened.
My sister has accepted the friendships & mum says she's 'probably got over it now'.
I disagree - she has developed a hard shell & told me that she often can't feel emotions.
Also she's very obsessed with looking perfect.
Happily she does have a good group of true proper friends who are lovely.
OP - so many people had bad childhoods due to racism (you only have to read Holocaust autobiographies to see that) but please don't let your childhood ruin your life.
Life really is so short - please get help to accept yourself & gain strength. Good luck.

Sorry OP, I'm a bit confused. You say your children are black because you are, but it sounds from your posts as if their father is white, so that would make them 3/4 white? Am I misundertstanding?

I have an acquaintance who once drunkenly referred to being bi-racial as "God's photoshop" because she'd never seen a bi-racial person who wasn't stunning.

OP, I am so sorry you've had to go through this. There is nothing wrong with you or your ethnicity, there never was. There was something wrong and terribly ignorant about the people who said those things and made you feel that way.

Yes, CY, I know what she means! I must admit there is something sickeningly gorgeous about people with certain combinations of ethnicities - they seem to get the best of all looks; perfect skin tone, amazing eye colour, just the right shaped features, beautiful ringlety hair, dark but with streaks of gold. I hate them.

fellatio mixed race people are regarded as black quite often ny society at large (the One Drop Rule)

Many MR individual self identify as Black as they have the same experiences

Whilst I am making every effort to raise dds proud to be mixed race, I am fully aware they may identify ad black later in life

KewCumber - I do apologise for appearing to 'dis' white parents of BEM children, and it's true, the people I was referring to are not actually adoptive parents or would-be adopters, or parents of mixed race children. As you say, if they were in any of these groups they would probably be far more attuned to the fact that it is a factor. But I agree with you, once a parent knows it to be a factor there are ways of addressing that which are not limited to leaving the poor child in a home or a long series of foster placements. I was unthinking in how my post reflects on excellent white parents of BAME children, and I am sorry.

It is clear from this thread how attuned white parents of mixed race children are to the 'certain vibe', and of course I know my child gets as much from his white parent about who he is as he does from his black.

DV8, mixed race children are the fastest growing demographic in London, possibly in the UK, and hopefully you children will reap the benefits of the increase in understanding.

i have resisted writing this because I didnt want to appear as one who was 'looking to be offended' and also I dont want to derail OPs post, but I think its worth throwing in for discussion;

I feel that the comments regarding how beautiful Mixed Race people are to be insensitive and/or inappropriate. I cant fully understand or articulate why?? Its feels MR people are being objectionified (?) and the point is being missed completely; being beautiful is no compensation for being racially abused.

a further thought, to expand; if a white women was to say her self esteem had suffered awfully from being abused in childhood and in marriages, no one would try to soothe her by telling her how beautiful she was. Its irrelevant and trivialising?

IMO mixed race people are no more or less likely to be 'beautiful' than any mono-racial group.
It runs the danger of 'exoticising' mixed race childen, and implying that being mixed race somehow avoids the 'worst' of being 'completely black'. In some contexts.
I'm not saying that the posts below do or do not do that.

objectified not objectionified!

Yep, I winced slightly at the beautiful mixed race people stuff. I've met plenty of plug-ugly mixed race people, not least in my own family.

My dd, of course, IS stunning

I see your point bejeezus. Just saying things like "but mixed raced people are really beautiful", or worse "I've always wished I were mixed race" trivialises the racism that black and mixed race people face. It's easier to say that than to really tackle the racism that leads to the OP's son getting beaten up, and the more subtle racism like white-washing in films, stereotyping, beauty magazines focussing on blond white women as the 'norm' with occasional black people as 'exotic'. It feels like those comments are more for the benefit of the person saying them, who gets to feel all liberal and non-racist, than for the person receiving them.

OP, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, and what you experienced as a child. You deserve so much better than this man. Your husband, that dinner lady and the bastards who beat up your son should be the ones feeling ashamed, you have done nothing wrong. It sounds like, understandably, racism affected your self-esteem, and living with two abusive men will have made things even worse. :(

Heleninahandcart: at what your mother said.

Dnrovin - I didn't take any offense at your comments - in fact I totally agree with you. People are way too dismissive of the importance of race in matching if they have no experience of raising a child of a different race.

The reality is we don't have enough adopters of non-white appearance to have the luxury of matching without leaving children on the shelf for way too long.

On the beauty issue, without wanting to add fuel to the fire... the worlds most beautiful contests are almost always "won" by mixed race women but there is a genetic reason for that. We are programmed to be attracted to people who are sufficiently different to not be fishing in the same gene pool but who look sufficiently similar to be part of our own community. On average mixed race people will tick more of those boxes across the world. It doesn't mean that any one individual will be more attractive than another just that statistically more people will find them attractive

Anyway being beautiful is no help when you don't feel comfortable in your own skin.

Kew - interesting, and to the point comments about the 'beauty' thing.

I had a peek at your profile pics, that beach place looks exactly like the kind of place I am seeking for a holiday destination, not too developed, nice sand etc!

And what a gorgeous boy.

Bejeezus I thought long and hard before I wrote down my friend's "Photoshop" comment, because I do know exactly what you mean. I only meant, in my fumbling way, to say that no one I would or do associate with would consider anything about the OP's looks undesirable or unworthy. I sincerely apologize if I caused any sort of offense. :(

What a sad post .

You have been a victim of a racist society and abusive men.

I also think it must have been hard being a mixed race child in a white family. My best friend is mixed race and the oldest of eight children. All the other siblings are white (her mum had a brief relationship with a Jamaican man, which produced my BF, then married an Irish man and had seven more children). Her family couldnt be more loving and supportive of her, but she still felt for a very long time like the odd one out and that she was somehow not as pretty, not as worthy, not as wonderful as her siblings. She is in her late 30s now and is only really coming to terms with it all now.

I do hope you can find some way to work through your feelings. I do think therapy would be a good idea. I also think it would be good if you found someone else to talk to about this. Surely you are not alone in feeling this way?

Btw, I am white, but DH is black and we have mixed race children. I dont think we live in such a racist society these days (not in inner London, anyway) but I do still feel the burden of 'white is beautiful' weighing heavily on my children. I worry for my daughter especially, who is a big, tall girl with very African features and a curvaceous figure that is more typically West Indian (dad is from JA) - ie. not what is considered beautiful in the West. We truy very hard to instill cultural and racial pride on our children, but sometimes it does feel like an uphill struggle against the huge tide of negative stereotyping about black and mixed race people.

Wish you best of luck x

I'm so sorry to hear about your awful childhood bullying. Although I'm white I went to a very much ethnically mixed school in 1970s in Birmingham where we honestly didn't notice each other's colour & had a great time together. I really wish it had been that way for you & I'm so sorry you are still suffering abuse. Just because it isn't racist doesn't mean it's better than your abuse as a kid. I hope you find the strength to get help. Women's Aid are very helpful.

Just wanted to add, also, that I agree re: abusive men. You dont deserve this shit treatment - nobody does. Do you feel able to get some help with this? there are organisations that can help you make an exit plan if you want to. x

Yes, lets please not get into mixed skin being lovely. I'm mixed and I've got a middle eastern look with grey skin. It ain't lovely. But doesn't make me any less proud of my heritages. It doesn't make me feel any less attractive but it certainly does not fit into what a few people have said about lovely skin. But I like my skin anyhow even though it doesn't fit into what people on this thread think 'mixed' skin is (lol). And looking lovely does not prevent you being labelled.

FFS. OP was treated like a person with no rights to have feelings because she was black in HER era and where SHE lived. End of. This was not uncommon in her day along with those people who were fat - of different looks etc.

But this happened to OP and she bears the scars.

OP - what are you planning to do about getting out of your relationship which you say is abusive? You know it's bringing you down. How would you like to see yourself and your precious children?

What do you think your next steps could be? How do you think you could heal and what help would you need?

(And as an aside, KEW, thanks for your info. My DH and I were very down about the thought. But aside from that, our chances of adopting were slim as dh smoked and was overweight.We were lucky in that we pipped IVF to the post by having a mad holiday in south africa and we conceived against all odds. DS thinks of himself as a Capetonion and we believe so as well. However, we still are convinced we'd have been great adoptive parents as well and that makes me sad).

DV8 I am so very sorry to hear of your experiences and hope with all my heart that you are able to act on some of the wonderful advice on here.

Can I also echo Bejeezus' qualms about this business of calling mixed-race people always so beautiful etc. etc.

This is just another kind of objectification - and furthermore, it's not true - of course there are a lot of very plain and ordinary mixed-race people, just as there are plain and ordinary white or black or Asian people. They're not ... you know....different

I don't mean to sound absurdly politically correct. But IMO getting excited about the special beauty and exoticisim (or whatever) of mixed-race people is just adding another layer of 'otherness'. I appreciate that it's meant kindly and positively. But what we do not need yet another creation of difference and distinction.

FWIW it's worth I also assumed OP was being ironic when she concludes her post by saying of course she looks young: she's black, after all.

It's another of those tropes people use - black people have such lovely skin, it ages so well, it's never dry, etc. etc.

It all sounds a bit like a 1920s gent praising Josephine Baker - so exotic my dear, doncha know! - and it makes me itch.

I've known black people who have faces like old boots, and black people who look decades younger than they are.

A positive stereotype is still a stereotype.

Scarlet - absolutely bloody right. And being supposedly 'beautiful' does not expempt you from racism.

I remember my ils (overseas, southern europe) proclaiming my ds was amazing and so clever because he was mixed race. Really not bloody so and it made my blood boil as it was

a) to make them feel somehow multicultural when they've proved themselves to be nothing other than racist - and my son is not there to big them up.
b) he looks exactly like them
c) if he's that clever it's certiainly with no thanks to them.

LOL

He's lovely, because he's lovely, nowt to do with his background. His achievements are his and his alone.

Me too, CY, and I agree that it was perhaps irrelevant and trivial in the light of the OPs original post, and possibly derailed it somewhat, and for that I apologise, but I can assure you it was nothing more than an observation or an aside on my part, and really had nothing to do with the OP. It CERTAINLY was not intended to 'soothe her or be 'consolation' for racism, and I actually find it quite insulting that anyone seriously thinks that those comments were intended as that.

I must have typed four different long replies before CY replied and I keep deleting them, because sometimes being white, you just cannot do right for doing wrong on these threads, which is why I usually try to avoid them.

And EatMeDates has just illustrated that very well by saying that she fears her daughter will not be considered beautiful in the UK because of her obvious element of blackness. I would be taken out and shot for saying 'I do not find overtly or typically black or Asian features terribly attractive.', Yet I get told I am being patronising and 'exoticising' mixed race people if I say 'I find many mixed race people tend to be incredibly attractive.

And Kew, your last paragraph explaining the science of attraction was very similar to something I typed but deleted, although you put it much better than I did.

Anyway - derailing again. Back to the OP and her problems....

Fellatio I didn't say you were patronising - just offered a view, 'sall.

But yes, this isn't necessarily helping the OP.

I think its important to discuss it though.

You always hear people say they are afraid to speak their mind in case others think they are racist which makes me

But on the flip side people often don't want to say something for accused of being 'too sensitive' or 'looking to be offended' or 'having a chip on their shoulder'.

But discussing it is good, so people understand why others don't like it

OP has been denied a right to her emotions and inner voice alll her life. I was worried that all the 'beautiful' talk would do the same here.