It's because I'm Black.

[DV8]

Its one of those 'I need to write this down, thank you for reading, please don't feel the need to reply' posts.

My adoption papers stated that it would be difficult placing a half-caste child.
This was in the 1970s. I was adopted by a white couple & brought up in a white community.

I have a clear memory of standing in a clothes shop with my mum, I was about 4 years old, looking at the posters on the wall of the models. I thought if I was white I would be beautiful like those models.

I was ugly, dirty, stupid, I was told to 'go back to your own country, paki', I was called the 'N' word, wog, monkey, chocolate face ... by adults.

There was the time when I was cornered in the playground by one of the big boys, he was shouting racist abuse, I was terrified & couldn't move. Then I saw the dinner lady - she had come to my rescue, I thought she was kind & nice, maybe one day I would get to walk around the playground holding her hand like the other girls did. She just stood there, watching, then shouted at me for messing about.

Because I'm black, I am grateful to people who want to befriend me.

Sometimes I am wary of people, racism gives off a certain vibe, even without words. Or maybe it's that 'chip on my shoulder' that I was born with.

I have brought up my children to be proud of who they are, proud of their colour. Racism is due to ignorance. One of my sons has been beaten up 3 times, I feel guilty - my children are black because I am.

I can talk the talk - I'm a strong black woman, I'm black & I'm proud.

My first husband was abusive towards me, but not racist, so I was thankful for that. My current husband is also abusive & once again, it seems acceptable because his abuse isn't racist. I'm just relieved that he doesn't call me the 'N' word.

I'm 40 years old now but sometimes I'm still that 4 year old in the shop. I look a lot younger than 40, of course, because I'm Black.

Oh God, did that last sentence come across how I meant it to?? You know what I mean, hopefully

This is why it can be important for black or mixed race children to be placed with families who have experience of this. Most people I know dismiss endeavours to place black children with black parents as politically correct silliness, but we get a lot from our parents, modelling ourselves on them, learning how to be and who to be.
And most people who pontificate about this and say it's only the ability to love that counts are white and don't have that 'in your shoes' understanding of the deep subtleties.

Completely agree - a child needs to see themself reflected in the world around them

I am white race & blonde naturally and have never thought it was the prettiest combo to look at. When I think back to my adolescence I was always in awe of the mixed race girls. Loved their hair & skin tone they always seemed was so unusually attractive & I think some of the most beautiful people I've met have been of mixed race. Always thought Afro hair looked so much cooler too. I hated being pale & pasty!

I don't think its as straight forward as asthetics. It's about how 'white is right' is so ngrained in our society. And much more so in the 70s than now. And much much more so in all white areas

There are more mixed race role models around these days

BUT ...my current bug best-selling have you seen the Frizzeze advert on tv??;

'What are you going to do with that curly frizzy hair? -make it go away!'
!!!

Grrrrrr

I'm so sorry you experienced that DV8, it does make you feel shit to be a human being. The whole "go back to your own country" thing infuriates me beyond belief.

It's odd actually I grew up "oop north" where there was a small Pakistani community and the odd black person, but since moving to the suburbs down south I have heard/witnessed more racist crap than I did in my whole childhood at home .

Please consider leaving your husband if he is abusive though, living in that kind of relationship, is really not worth it.

I had the chance to live as a child in a place where there was a lot of people from different races/origins. And NO racism.

That was more than 30 years (the 1970 too) and now I can't comprehend this attitude of judging people by their colour.

I do have, however, the experience of living in a country as a foreigner, even without the 'race' side of things. It has tought me that I am better off living somewhere where they are quite a few other 'foreigners'. We seem to be able to 'understand each other', understand the challenges that we face. Because of that, I would really recommend that you look at living somewhere where there is already a nice mix of people of different origins. It does help.

Agree - it's not about how you look and being beautiful. Honestly, there's no mixed race look.

This is more about treatment and expecations and how we carry our earliest memories with us. In the case of the OP she was raised in an area and in an era and possibly a family and who were not equipped to deal with her treatment.

It's not about having a nice colour skin. It's about being treated cruelly and unfairly based on how you look. It's about having your core bashed about. It's being labelled (oh particularly in the '70 and '80) as this and that. It's about sticking your hand up to say 'I don't like the way I'm being treated' and being told to get back in your box. Constantly.

DV8 - you are a loving and concerned mother. That's great but you clearly need some space to look after yourself too. When you say your abuse with your current partner is not racist. OK - but it's still abuse and not acceptable. My parents warred for the 21 years they were married. DF was not ever in that time racist to my dm and she was never racist to df. But it still wasn't acceptable. Don't be grateful for the lack of racial abuse in your partnership as a reason to put up with other harmful behaviour from a partner.

Take care of you.

You put that so well giveitago

having your core bashed about ....when you are a child

(sad)

Another white mother of a mixed race child here. I'm also the partner of a black woman and the niece of 8 mixed race aunts and uncles: I saw what they went through in the 60s and 70s, living in a white community and going to white schools. It was hell.

Two things are changing: our society is getting more diverse (at least in parts - if I have to read one more thread in which somebody gets attacked for DARING to suggest that racism may be a particular issue in rural areas I will shoot myself through the heart). Also, we do not expect children to just cope with this shit in the way that we used to.

These changes will benefit your daughters. Sadly, it all happened to you. I don't underestimate the pain you went through and that you continue to carry. I can only urge you to seek further help in resolving the impact on you - if only to show your daughters what survival can look like. You weren't to blame for what happened; you endured more than any child should have to bear. Try now to ask for help to get yourself into a position of strength where you can choose only to be with people who do not degrade or humiliate or belittle you.

your post really, really moved me

my father is asian my mother english, growing up i just looked a little foreign it was always a talking point (1970?s) and people seemed to think it was ok to call my family names and never think it was upsetting for me because i was ok, i was not one of them really. i was never subjected to racism directly but my family was and still is, racism does give off a vibe it is not you and i wish more people understood this.

have you read any of Maya Angelou's work? her books are wonderful very inspiring to all women she is an amazing women a strong black woman she is amazing

also agree some therapy could work wonderfully, it is not easy at times emotionally draining especially psychodynamic which is very deep it changes the person you are and helps you free yourself. if you go on the bacp website (www.bacp.co.uk) you will find information of therapists close to you some agencies offer low cost session for those unemployed or on a low income too

have you ever heard of the song Brown Baby. Diana Ross sung it (as did Nina Simone) its a beautiful poignant song. It?s on YouTube listen to the words your children are beautiful as all children are and thankfully our society is changing, not quickly enough but changes have and are still going on for the better

Firstly your husband is an abuser because he is twisted, not because of your skin colour or anything else about you, bullies always try to make their victim feel responsible.

I can understand what you are saying about racism in the 70's, I do remember and especially towards mixed race children . Your experiences were awful and would affect anyone into adulthood. Added to that your experience of being adopted and not belonging will have heightened this. I think you would benefit from some kind of counselling to help you deal with your past and hopefully help you see that we live in a better world now and you are strong enough to deal with other peoples ignorance and your partners bullying. Do you think you can speak to a counsellor?

OP, I really think you should find help. If you feel like your partner is abusive, there should be no reason to stay with him. I am so sorry for your experiences. Nobody deserves to be made to feel like their race says something abut the content of their character, or is the reason for their abuse.

I was born in the late 70s in Pakistan and moved to Ireland when I was 8. I was the only non-white child in my very small, rural primary school. I once saved up my pocket money to buy an incredibly cheap blonde wig and I used to dress up in it when nobody was looking. eventually a squirrel stole it to make a nest with. My father's Pakistani family were very down about how dark I was compared to my siblings and used to load me down with fairness creams whenever they would visit. I'm still really sensitive to racism. I think it's harder to swallow casual racism when it has been directed at you your whole life. It doesn't feel harmless or humorous when you've had similar things said to you while other people were throwing things at you. I for one have a hard time finding racist jokes funny.

I'm really overwhelmed by these replies. I will read them over again.

"This is why it can be important for black or mixed race children to be placed with families who have experience of this. Most people I know dismiss endeavours to place black children with black parents as politically correct silliness, but we get a lot from our parents, modelling ourselves on them, learning how to be and who to be.
And most people who pontificate about this and say it's only the ability to love that counts are white and don't have that 'in your shoes' understanding of the deep subtleties."

Dunrovin - your post is very important. I'm the adoptive (white) mother of a mixed race central asian boy and I've never heard from a transracial adopter that racial matching isn't important. It is important, very important but there are other important things too - having a permanent family as fast as possible is important particularly for BME children as sadly once they are past the cute age they become significantly harder to place particularly boys.

I think that there are many things that need to be considered when matching and race is a very very important consideration but each child needs to be matched individually taking into consideration for example the ethnic mix of the area the parents are living in, the commitment of the parents to keep their childs heritage alive etc

What is currently happening is that parents who don't racially match children are not being considered at all in many cases resulting in BME children being raised in care by a succession of white foster carers. Which imo is significantly worse deal for the child.

Various things need to happen:

1 - BME adopters need to be encourgaed to come foward (I know they are already but more needs to happen somehow)
2 - why are so many (proportionately) more BME childrne being taken into care
3 - consider white parents for BME children in a case by case basis and suppliment the training with the kind of race training you get if you do the specialist training for adopting overseas.
4 - allocate mentors to children who are transracially adopted from the same ethnic group if at all possible.

OP - I really hope that you can get some comfort from there responses and maybe counselling can help you move on in a constructive way.

I also hope that society in general and adopters in particular are more aware of the issues these days and upbringings like yours are rarer.

Good luck.

Interesting Kew

We thought of adopting but I'm mixed and my dh is of another country altogether. We wouldn't have stood a chance in finding a 'match' to us.

giveitago - many social workers are less blinkered to finding the perfect match than they used to be. I know people and white/asian couples who weren;t matched with a white asian child because child was from a moslem background and the asian half of the couple was christian. But their second match seemed to happen without those problmes - it very much depends on the childs social worker.

Much strength to you OP.

I'm mixed race (white-black) and can relate to many of your experiences including being in an abusive relationship, although I didn't grow up in the UK.

I don't want to go in too much detail, but just wanted to assure you that you are not alone.

OP firstly I think you are very brave to finally put a voice to the thoughts and feelings that you have been holding inside for so long.

Secondly, you deserve better than to be in an abusive relationship, please get some help to give you the strength to leave this man, you are worth so much more.

Thirdly, you are not alone in your experiences. My DH is black (I am white) and had many of the same experiences growing up in the 70's, he is still affected by it today in his trust of white people. Particularly the elderly who were the generation that directed most of the racist abuse, even though they may not outwardly express it now.

Like you say there is a 'vibe' that is unmistakable. Since we have been together I have been present several times when he has been subjected to racist abuse and we live in inner London. The problem is that by pretending that racism doesn't happen in Britain today we sweep this endemic problem under the carpet so that it never gets challenged and dealt with.

Luckily he had the support of a strong black community to give him a pride in his blackness, there are today many groups/gatherings that you could attend that may help you to see the beauty in your heritage. My daughters are mixed race and I will like you be raising them to be proud of their brown skin and curly afro hair.

I would urge you to seek some counselling, but this may be better sought through the black community as sadly a white therapist (invariably from a more middle class background as well) will I fear not provide the depth of listening you require and deserve.

I agree with Kew's points. Incidentally, I met a woman just this week, a white woman in an all-white family in a very white part of the country, who is adopting a black boy. She is very mindful of the potential problems was this, and told me angrily that she has discovered he was nearly matched with a couple TWO YEARS AGO who were then deemed to be not a near enough racial match (though were nearer than his current match). She said, "What has changed in those two years? Nothing, except that he is now older and deemed almost unadoptable so suddenly we are ok. Which is lovely for us, but it would have been so much better for him to have been matched with them".

I'm a white adoptive mother, too, and am staggered that I got NO guidance on how to parent a black child. (It's assumed that because I have a black parent we have this covered, but experience from within my own extended family shows me that this is not necessarily so.) Having parents of the same ethnic origin as yourself, or who (second best) are sensitive and attuned to what being black within a white community might mean, does not insulate you from racism but must help develop your resilience and confidence to deal with it.

DV8, I am so struck by the sadness in your post, and the terrible problems you have had finding a place of emotional safety. I do hope this thread can help you move forward and advocate for your own needs.

OP - i'm angry to read about what you went through as a child. My very pretty mixed race sister suffered racial abuse at our mostly all white school in the early 90s. Mainly from boys she had turned down; & girls who were jealous of her looks. My mum was called 'black man's whore when she was with my sister once; also a man who had agreed to let a flat to mum suddenly turned nasty & refused the let when my sister attended the second viewing. My sister & i get upset that people often don't think mum or me are related to her. The worst thing was when i showed our nan one of my sister's photos & she said 'oh no, she looks like a (racist term then used!) girl'.
I told her how angry i felt - but nan couldn't get that what she'd said was so offensive.
My sister never found out - it would break her heart.
Even now i know i'm my nan's favourite granddaughter cos i'm so white (my cousin is mixed race too) - so i feel guilty. My sister seems to sense it & dislikes nan.

OP - my sister is very anxious to please others & had abusive partners too - when she is too good for men like that.
As are you - please try to build your self-esteem & see that you are better off alone than with an abusive man.
When you've been made to feel different as a child it does often take therapy or a support group to help you feel more positive.
My sister hasn't had therapy but she is far more confident now, she loves her curly hair & wears fake tan to darken her skin more too.
I hope that you do accept & like yourself more in future - you deserve to be happy.

DV8, your op is one of the saddest I've read on MN, and I've been here a long time.

I am another saying you don't have a chip; you are being abused, not because you are black, but because your partner is abusive. (Can I say "leave the bastard"?)

You don't deserve this treatment. You deserve a man who loves the strong woman that you are, and when he finds you he will be a lucky man.

Your children are wonderful human beings.

Can you get rid of the abusive shit you're currently with? Oh, my love, you are better off on your own than with a man who doesn't treat you right, respect you and care for you.

a whole world away from what you are descibing, but we are all that child who suffered at the hands of other people (often parents). But 1970s Britain was not a good place...we had a lot to learn. Thank goodness things have changed, although I would never dare to even imagine being in your shoes.

But do remember that, despite appearances, we are all insecure, whether it's because of skin colour, class issues, accents, appearances (big ears, bad hair, fat legs, you name it) Whilst you are feeling marginalised because of your skin, others feel that way because of their perceived negative traits. I remember fat or ugly girls at junior school being treated horribly, just because of the way they looked. Try and remember you are not the only one feeling unfairly treated.

I was beaten up at school....because I was a bit of a nerd. I think the majority of people were bullied at some stage, usually for a trivial reason. I'm wary of people too....but because I often feel inferior as we were poor as kids and couldn't afford stuff other people had.

You need to let go of that past crap and look to the future....look at your gorgeous kids who sound happy...I can not pretend to imagine what it is like to be you. But I do know that my kids and my friends will always accept someone for who they are, not what they look like. Anyone that does is really not worth bothering with.

And try this...(I tried this recently and was shocked how well it worked). Instead of always doing yourself down, big yourself up. I always used to say "oh yeah, I'm just a mum," and people would steer clear. Now I maximise my tiny achievements and people treat me so differently. Life is 10% what happens to us, but 90% how we react to events.

I hope I have not said anything too trite...the man you are with is a loser...nothing to do with you. Counselling might help and it doesn't have to cost a fortune...best wishes

It sounds like you have been unlucky with men but that is an issue that has nothing to do with race (just scan this site for proof).

And