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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being silly?

42 replies

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 19:59

Hi...have had a tough week or so with DS teething & when I went out today with my mum & DS he was upset most of the time which meant the day was stressful etc. it cant be helped of course..so just dealt with it. Came home...etc & still DS wa upset. Expecting DH to come home after his evening at the gym..he pops his head round the door & goes out! I get a text to say he is down about his friend & his wife splitting up so has gone to his mums for a bit. This sort of thing happened all last week as well where he was hardly at home. Leaving me to see to our DS & do housework...tea etc.
I guess I am just feeling excluded. Tried talking to him at the weekend & he said he isn't home so much as he is busy. Am I being silly for this to get to me so much?

OP posts:

HalleysWaitress · 30/11/2011 20:03

Have you told him you need support? Is he asking if you mind if he goes out? Why does he need to be comforted if his friend has split from wife? Sounds all z bit odd.

buzzswellington · 30/11/2011 20:03

Er no, you're not being silly.

He doesn't sound engaged in family life at all. I'd be wondering if he was cheating tbh.

pollyblue · 30/11/2011 20:05

No, you're not being silly. There's a difference between being busy because you can't help it (work or other commitments) and being busy because you choose to be......Doesn't he want to spend time with you and your dc?

I think you need to be blunt and say "oi! your turn with dc" next time he tries the head-round-door-and-off-again thing.

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:06

Yes I have told him I need support as I find by evening that I'm exhausted as DS has me up at night upset too. I said I wanted us to spend more time together..he said he's just been busy. But all these things like the gym...visiting his mum etc can wait til weekend!! Especially when he knows how bad DS has been teething & waking at night time.

OP posts:

ameliagrey · 30/11/2011 20:06

No you are not being silly.

I think it is wrong that a grown man who is a father dashes off to his mum's for comfort when he has a wife. it's alos odd that he puts his friend's marriage issues above the care of his child.

You should be the most important woman in his life- when he married you he left his mum behind in a sense ( and I say this as the mum of a son aged 25, who is not married but might be one day!)

You need to set aside a time at the weekend when you insist that you talk to him and point out the way this is hurting you.

I hate to mention this- but are you sure he is at his mum's and that there is no other reason for his lack of time at home with you?

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:07

It does feel that way pollyblue which makes me really sad as I now work a few hours over a weekend so quality time is limited.

OP posts:

Yama · 30/11/2011 20:08

Agree with everyone else. It doesn't sound good.

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:08

amelia...I have never had reason to suspect him of cheating...I really do not think that he would.

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ameliagrey · 30/11/2011 20:09

How old is he and how long have you been together?
His reasons for making himself scarce don't sound very plausible to me. Is there anything else he does that seems odd?

ameliagrey · 30/11/2011 20:10

well if he is not cheating he is an arse.

He is a grown man and needs to face up to the responsibilities of being a da.

iklboo · 30/11/2011 20:11

If DH went to his mum's because his friend & wife split up, MIL would send him home with a kick up the rear (I love MIL).
You're going to have to do the 'we need to talk' thing I think.

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:12

No nothing at all. He is 30 & we have been together 8 years..married for 3.
He works long hours & goes to the gym 3 times a week & visits his mum 2 times a week. Just wish he would be here to spend time with us & then me when baby is in bed. It all sounds very selfish (on my part) but I am really not like that.

OP posts:

south345 · 30/11/2011 20:12

No you are not being silly, tell him to get home and help you out!

izzywhizzysmincepies · 30/11/2011 20:13

You're not being silly but you will be if you don't nip him taking advantage in the bud.

As polly has suggested, next time he pops his head round the door make sure you're dressed up to the nines, fully open said door, and walk through it saying 'your turn to care for ds tonight'.

Take yourself off to your mum's or a friend's, or call into your local pub for a well-deserved - and don't hurry home.

ameliagrey · 30/11/2011 20:13

no it's not selfish- and his mum ought to send him back home to you. does she know you are struggling a bit? does she ever help you? if not, then maybe he has not had a role model showing him how to behave.

you are not being selfish- he is.

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:15

His mum actually called as I was getting DS ready for bed & I told her about our day & how upset he had been! She was not sympathetic & said she wanted DH to call her when he got in.

OP posts:

buzzswellington · 30/11/2011 20:15

It doesn't sound remotely selfish on your part. But on his? Hell yes.

What's the point of being married if you never spend time together? What's the point of having a family and being a dad if he chooses never to be there?

Everything at home must be down to you.

ameliagrey · 30/11/2011 20:17

His mum sounds an arse too.

If this is what he's been brought up with, you need to re-educate him.

buzzswellington · 30/11/2011 20:19

So basically his most significant relationship is with his mum, not you?

EverybodysScaryEyed · 30/11/2011 20:19

You shouldn't put up with this and you are not being silly

he seems very concerned about his friends marriage split - maybe you should point out that his own marriage split would be far more painful

He needs a good talking to. Very cross for you

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:21

MIL doesn't help at all. I'm finding myself distancing myself sometimes & going to bed earlier & making my own plans with DS as I can't stand being let down. I don't know if this is making things worse...just sick of waiting home for him.

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EverybodysScaryEyed · 30/11/2011 20:24

Ok - well I feel for you there

My DH works crazy hours and I always used to feel that I was just waiting for him to come home and I really resented it.

So I decided to not wait and just get on with things. If he was there, great, if not, well that's how it was planned anyway. Since then he has actually made more of an effort to be around for things.

How old is your baby?

AnyFucker · 30/11/2011 20:26

is your name "wifey 6" a play on how he prioritises you ?

#1 mummy, of course

#2 the gym

#3 his friend

#4 his friends wife

#5 work

#6 you

Are you happy to live like this ?

Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:29

DS is 16 months old. We visit friends may be twice a week but I make sure we are home for DS to have his tea & see his daddy. I try & make it so they see eachother each night...but if he is going to the gym I say to him that DS might be in bed as he was tired/not napped so could he come home earlier (like tonight) & he don't so he hasn't seen him all day.

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Original poster

wifey6 · 30/11/2011 20:29

No anyfucker I don't want to live like this.

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