husband had affair

[mumwife]

husband of 7 years had an affair which i forgave him for as i love him. we tried to see why, things hadnt been great for a while buthe said he would give us 100%, i wasnt going to lose him and we went away we spent time togethre we started thinking of us and we had fun we were doing ok. now hes saying he needs space he doesnt know if hes in love with me anymore, he says he is going after christmas and needs to think if we are worth saving! im falling to pieces dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!

Why after Christmas? I would kick him out now as its obvious the affair is not over and that he is still seeing OW.

And the affair is all about him and his issues, so do not blame yourself for the fact that he has chosen to behave in this way.

ive told him he needs to go now he wants to spend christmas with the kids,ive told him to go and have his space it doesnt make any difference if he stays or goes after christmas he can see the kids.
the affair is over she doesnt live anywhere near us.

Will you seriously be cooking his Christmas dinner?

i dont blame myself he is though,i think he is trying to make it easier for him to go as he is now been nasty to me and telling me its all my fault.

no im not cooking christmas dinner he is going to his mums well we all were but do i still go or shall i go to my parents?

I bet he is still with her in some capacity.

So he wants to have his cake and eat it. Decalre himself as "single" and leaving you anyway, then get the family Christmas?

Hell fucking no love. Tell him to go and sort your own plans out. He misses out on a family Christmas? Boo fucking hoo, that's his choice by leaving, and he has got many more of those to come

Pfft, tell him he can have his space and have it now, not on his bloody terms. Going after Christmas, so you have four weeks of living like this? He needs to jog on!

It's not your fault, and he'll be telling you it's yours to make it easier on himself. Not fair at all.

how long ago did you find out about the affair?

Oh and time to stop calling yourself a mumwife. Get out there and get rid.

Agree with bubblexmas....

Don't give him the luxury of making a leisurely decision. If he is not sure whether he wants out or not, then he should go right now, today, this hour.

You can put this to him non-aggressively - you are not counter-threatening or anything, you are simply being practical. If he is unsure he wants to stay and wants to think about it, then he really, really should try the actual alternative he has in mind for size, and see how much he likes it, because is he sure he's really thought this through?

He should try living alone, arranging visits to the kids and managing them alone when they see him, explaining to his friends and family what's happening, screwing up Xmas, making the money work, housekeeping for one person and he should see how sexually successful he is. All this he should try. It's a "live test". The affair says to me that he's bored of his sex life with you and feels entitled to a better one. In that case he should see how he gets on trying to arrange it.

So today would be a very good day to start. All those bachelor flats start to get let after Xmas. He can look at some tomorrow, it's Saturday.

It may be he can live with all that and like it more. In that case the sooner you all find this out the better. But if I were you I would not be waiting around to hear his decision and hope it's good news.

And of course he needs to understand that, while he figures out if he wants to stay in the marriage, you of course will be reflecting on the same thing. He's welshed on his vows so yours aren't binding any more.

He should be prepared to find that, after 6 months, he wants to come back but in the meantime you've hooked up with a grown-up, so he's now surplus to your requirements.

I know all that sounds a bit in yer face, so tone of voice is all, but it is simply being fair to you. You will proceed with life as you see fit while he figures out what he wants, and if there is room for him later and you both want him back in, then that's the decision. This half-in half-out bullshit is no life for you.

In the short term it makes it easier for him to detach, but if that's where his head is at, then in your shoes I'd want to know now, not when I'm 40, 50 or 60.

He is still having a relationship with someone else. He really, really is. Men rarely leave because they are genuinely "not sure".

mollynp - found out a few weeks ago,found text from her to him.

Few weeks? he is arranging to live with her then or aim for that. He is staying put until he gets somewhere and he can have his nice family Christmas.

It's 100% NOT OVER.

Also FWIW, I think you are doing yourself a disservice here.

I get the vibe, you love him, want to fight for him and don't want to split? Right?

Now some may think that's bonkers, I do but you need to make that decision yourself.

Unfortunately if he has already checked out for the marriage, there is nothing you can do. If however he is chancing his arm and wanting his cake etc. THE ONLY way you are going to get him back and have a chance of being on an even keel. Is the sss treatment.

He wants to go? He goes now. No cushy home and wife to fall back on, no cosy little family Christmas. Stand up strong and show him what he is missing. If he is chancing his arm, he'll be back within a flash. Seeing what he is missing. No cosy home, no family Christmas, no money (2 households, maintenance). But if he has left you in his head anyway. You are just bringing it forward, rather than living in this hell. As there is nothing you can do.

You may find after a few weeks, you may not actually want him back. He has said he is leaving you, then he leaves, he shouldn't be able to pick and chose the best bits. In that direction pain lies for you.

I would throw him out. It will be much harder for him to be ambivalent when he knows you mean business. If you want him back, hopefully this will make him concentrate his efforts in getting back with you.
It will also make you feel more in control which might make you feel better and recover faster.
It's still very early days and he has yet to get over the OW, even if the affair has stopped. Not sure if my husband is over his OW yet and it has been 6 months, but then he works with her and so has to see her most days. Though he is adament that he wants me not her.
Good luck in whatever you do!

mollynp did your husband leave then come back?

Send him on his way

Today

no, though months later i did think about whether we should seperate.
At first, my greatest fear was of being abandoned, then later on when i was a lot stronger i regretted not being strong enough to ask him to leave as i didn't feel he was trying hard enough. I suppose i felt that he should be trying really hard to win my affections and be the super romantic husband i wanted, and that wasn't happening. though he is trying now.
I can't say i've forgiven him yet and i still don't trust him, and it would be a lot easier if they still didn't work together.
Though we will probably get over it as we've been together for 18 years now and wouldn't want to give each other up, it's obviuosly not definate.

i have packed his bag for when he comes home from work. feeling pretty shit.

OP you have done the right thing, it will help him with his clarity of thought and of course, give him the "space" he so desires.

Rest assured that the OW is still in the picture, yanking his chain, putting him under pressure to leave. He may or may not want to leave you. My DH told me it was easier to leave me and the DCs than to say no to OW in case she created merry hell for all of us (even more ).

Keep strong, surround yourself with RL support.

mine says he still loves me,but doesnt know if he wants to stay married and needs his space to think. dont want him to go but i suppose i have to be strong for me and kids,i cant let him think i am a walk over. he needs to be shocked into thinking he may lose me and the family life he has at the moment.

Exactly that op, exactly. Well done you.

Carry on as you were, he gets the best of both, he never has to choose. You spend months with him playing you both off, him never choosing you........this is a repeat of a thread last year by solost.

By standing up to him now. He has forfeited his rights to call the shots now. By doing this. He gets to face the actual reality of not having both. Having this OW. No family Christmas, two places to run.

If he indeed is just out to mess you about, and get away with it. He'll be back before you know it. If however he has already left, you couldn't possibly change that. You have just saved yourself moths of false hope.

I am so sorry you are going through this but feel the same as the other posters on here.

He needs to go now! It nay force the issue and make him realise it really is you he wants to be with, it may be he then realises he does want to move on.

Either way - waiting until Xmas is pointless and wasting time for you and him.

Its gonna be a shit time ifs now or after Xmas.

Well done for having the balls to pack his bags. Thats a big move but a right one imo.