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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband had affair

104 replies

mumwife · 25/11/2011 10:58

husband of 7 years had an affair which i forgave him for as i love him. we tried to see why, things hadnt been great for a while buthe said he would give us 100%, i wasnt going to lose him and we went away we spent time togethre we started thinking of us and we had fun we were doing ok. now hes saying he needs space he doesnt know if hes in love with me anymore, he says he is going after christmas and needs to think if we are worth saving! im falling to pieces dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/11/2011 17:33

molly, I see that you have been talked around by your husband

I wish you well, but you do need to be aware that there are red flags all over this

it's all about him isn't it ?

what he wants

his counsellor (are you having counselling, btw?)

his feelings, his decisions, his ambivalence

what do you want ?

I susspect you want this never to have happened. But that can never be, because of the choices your husband has already made

you never had a choice in this, but you are the one waiting for him to make his mind up ?

I expect you feel a pressure to be "perfect wife" so he will not regret his "decision" to choose you

how utterly awful for you

I really feel for you...but what guarantee is there that there won't be another 6 months of him having his ego stroked while he "tries to get over" what he did ?

Ignore my comments if you wish, love, but this man is getting everything he wants, and more besides

not a good basis for a renewed marriage after infidelity

have you read Shirley Glass, btw ?

if you haven't, you should, although I expect you will find it very uncomfortable to do so Sad

buzzswellington · 27/11/2011 17:54

It's nice of him to decide you're not separating after all - did he inform family before or after you? Hmm

Even his game-playing of 'who shall I choose' isn't his fault, it's his counsellors. What a nice life he leads as centre of the universe.

mollynp · 27/11/2011 18:03

I have read shirley glass. i've also been and still am going to counselling, individually as well as couples. I'm also not being the perfect wife, i've brought up seperating a few times in the last few months, but i thought that him going on his own would help him get over everything. i'm thinking now and he agrees that individual counselling is a bit divisive, and it says this in the shirley glass book. Sorry for hijacking this thread!

countingto10 · 27/11/2011 18:26

Is he making any attempts to find another job? I know in the current climate it is hard (but doable) and he should at least be trying ? How much is a marriage worth .......

mollynp · 27/11/2011 18:40

He is looking, but there's nothing around. It's made more difficult by the fact that he helps with the school runs as i also work, so he can't work too far away. At this rate it could easily be six months to a year before he finds another job. i have thought about asking OW to get another job as she has no responsibilities so it would be easier, but realise i can't.

countingto10 · 27/11/2011 18:51

I think you may have to decide what is most important - help with the school runs or getting away from OW for your peace of mind. Where there's a will there is a way.

DH & I even considered moving away from the area to get away from "bumping" into OW (as he sh*t on his own doorstep). Fortunately her employers moved her on so we have managed not to bump into her in nearly 3 years although we did bump into her son on our weekend away (one year on from discovery to take my mind off it - you couldn't make it up). Her son was only 14 so didn't really realise the implications of small talk with my DH (who couldn't get away quick enough).

Good luck.

mollynp · 27/11/2011 19:14

It'd be a shame for him to change jobs as it would it would make both of our lives more difficult with the extra stress involved, but i guess it's clearly not working him staying where he is.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2011 19:35

not working for him

< ahem >

bubblechristmaspop · 27/11/2011 20:09

Oh dear molly. See you in a month or so :(

izzywhizzysmincepies · 27/11/2011 20:15

he just needs to get over the OW WTactualF???!!!

So what is your role while he is nursing his broken heart? Dispensing advice to the lovelorn? Making sympathetic noises and lavishing tender loving care on him while he suffers the continuing anguish of getting his leg over the OW?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

By allowing him to talk you round, you're in serious danger of setting yourself up for a broken heart in the New Year.

Original poster
mumwife · 30/11/2011 22:02

ok update i found another phone, with ow number and two of his mates number on it, flushed it down the loo!! LOL
rang ow who says it is over has been for some time but my H is in turmoil and doesnt know what he wants.
For the past two weeks he has been saying he needs space but has now decided he is going to stay in spare room instead of moving out.
i think he has got wind that im contacting solicitor as he has also said he will come to relate with me! im not cooking,washing,ironing or involving him in any family things. hes up to something.............. but what?????????

OP posts:
Doha · 30/11/2011 22:13

Forget what he wants mumwife, what do you want? He wanted time to sort himself out and l hope he offers you the same time.

Go ahead as if you are separated, get your solicitors appointment, bank accounts sorted etc. This is the time for you to take control of your future, he doesn't matter any more you have to protect your and your Dc's futures.

Original poster
mumwife · 30/11/2011 22:16

i am and i will as far as im concerned im on my own anyway. im at my parents for xmas without him think maybe thats what sred him that im in control and not the walk over he thought i was.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumwife · 26/12/2011 12:41

pretty rubbish day yesterday.....took the children to my parents last week and came back yesterday afternoon so children could see there dad after he rang on xmas day crying i felt bad....then he said he would never forgive me for leaving him without the kids on xmas day!!! none of this would be happening if he didnt have an affair and would move out!!!
i then was talked into going to his aunties house as his grandma was there she doesnt know whats been happening so i had to pretend everything was ok pretty hard going i can tell you, came back home and hit the wine and all i remember was been picked up by a neighbour from the middle of the road!!!!
I really cant take anymore its torture, why wont he move out?
he says he loves me and will always love me as im the mother to his kids but he says he isnt in love with me???????

OP posts:
buggyRunner · 26/12/2011 12:53

Oh love- you can draw a line under yesterday- that Christmas will never happen again. Fwiw had I known your situation and been the neighbour I would understand. Think you'll have to ensure this situation ends soon for your own health Smile

He won't move out as like he says it's his house, can you go somewhere? He cheated on you and wants to end the relationship with you not the kids- that's prob why he is so upset about missing the children. Deciding to end it with you shouldn't mean losing the kids too.

However, it's a really shit situation- he betrayed you and it must be torture to share space with him. Do you both work? Could you put your heads together and come up with a way to find him somewhere else? You don't have to but it may help him move out quicker?

Original poster
mumwife · 26/12/2011 13:01

ive tried but he wont go he says it is his house and he isnt going anywhere. i dont want to go anywhere as i think the kids have had enough messing about. he is acting as if everything is ok,coming home from work and asking whats for tea asking if i can do his washing none i hasnten to add have i done! wouldnt be so bloody hard if i didnt still love him.

OP posts:
clam · 26/12/2011 13:24

"He will never forgive you for leaving him without his kids on Christmas Day?!"
Seriously? He actually SAID that? Shock

Words fail me!
But you really must point out to him that that's what can happen when you let your dick rule your head. There are Consequences!

Twat.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2011 13:31

Just start divorce proceedings

There is nothing to be saved here

You may not initially be able to get rid of this fucker from your house...but the assets wil be separated eventually

He is just mindfucking you

It's his actions that have split your family, not yours

Stop listening to his bullshit

Detach yourself emotionally and get those papers served ASAP

ClaraSage · 26/12/2011 14:17

Just scanned this thread so not sure my point is valid or not.
He sounds irrational so there is not point trying to reason with him, as said before ,your only option is to try and detach from him and only communicate about the children and legal issues.
You sound lovely.
Good luck.

angrywoman · 26/12/2011 14:23

Be aware that you could be waiting years to get him out of the house if that's his attitude. My friend had her ex-hubby sleeping on a campbed in the dining room for 3 years!
I told my ex (who had been unfaithful and lying to me) that we needed space / time apart to think. He moved in with a friend.This had become 6 months by the time he realised that SHOCK I didn't actually want him back (and was better off without him). By that time it would have been odd for everyone for him to move back in. So I got to stay in the house. Unfortunately my ex has since turned to booze and lost his job and he has £50000 debt which suggests to my solicitor that the sooner the jointly owned house is sold the better.
What I'm saying is... maybe suggest 'time apart' in a softer way. Seriously wouldn't have wanted to be in my friends position! Although my ex has made it impossible for us to stay here in the end I have been in the house with the 3 children for 5 years. I could not have stood any longer in the same house with him. During the 6 months we slept apart and lived together there was anger, shouting, aggression... The children saw it.

spanna41 · 26/12/2011 16:54

Did you change the locks - back in November?

Original poster
mumwife · 26/12/2011 17:38

no didnt change locks have sought legal advice.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/12/2011 17:40

She cant change the locks to a house his name is on.

Charbon · 26/12/2011 17:48

He doesn't want you to forgive him, otherwise he would move out and give you some space.

For your own sake and that of the children, register your interest on the house and with your mortage company so that he can't sell it from under you and find somewhere temporary to live that won't disrupt the kids too much. Then let him fend for himself and put yourself out of view and earshot of all this emotional blackmail.

Bad idea to pretend to his family members that all is well. That was a signal to him that you'll eventually cave in and take him back.

I hope you will not, because he will never respect you if you do.

spanna41 · 28/12/2011 07:25

How are you Mumwife?