husband had affair

[mumwife]

husband of 7 years had an affair which i forgave him for as i love him. we tried to see why, things hadnt been great for a while buthe said he would give us 100%, i wasnt going to lose him and we went away we spent time togethre we started thinking of us and we had fun we were doing ok. now hes saying he needs space he doesnt know if hes in love with me anymore, he says he is going after christmas and needs to think if we are worth saving! im falling to pieces dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!

What an absolute nerve, I don't want you all after Christmas but you will do just for now. Ever seen the sticker... a dog is not just for christmas.... well a family is not just for Christmas either. He needs a short sharp shock. Who on earth does he think he is. What a jaw dropper, I will go after Christmas.... what a lovely time you will all have opening presents, looking at each other knowing he is off at the first available opportunity. NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY.

How are you OP? Make some busy plans for the next two days then proper permanently without twatface plans as of Monday. Dance to your own tune.. And do lots of because this is where you're on your way to.

he wont go says its his house he will go when hes ready!

Keep chipping away at him, maybe seek some professional advice now, you need to know where you stand. You have probably shocked him, he sounds like he is reacting, he probably imagined you would be on your knees begging, but don't go there ever. He is just playing with you all, putting himself first yet again. Me, me me......

Threaten to call the police if he won't go cheeky git

hes away this weekend so i will take all his stuff to his mums.

Good plan.

He's away, now I wonder where he has gone, what story has he cooked up. I know someone who went on a 'boys' weekend, and had another spare bedroom booked in his girlfriends name, so that if the wife checked sure he was in the hotel under his name, but actually he was in the room of his girlfriend. Infact I could probably write a book on where they said they were, don't believe a word he says. Not many blokes just go away for the weekend (on their own).

If he won't go, you certainly don't have to make him comfortable if he stays. No cooking, washing or any home comforts at all. Go away for Christmas with the children without him.

What a horrible situation.

Good plan, get his sordid situation in the open. The reality may not be all that, for him, once it is.

Well OP you have a weekend to change your home and life. I would think about the fact that this man will try to take as much as he can. Check what's in his name.. Be prepared to have to fight to keep what's yours.

Mumwife - dont let him keep you in limbo until after Christmas, my H left when I found out about his affair and kept me hanging on for 2 months while he decided if he wanted me or the OW. It was so hard, me jumping through hoops to try and make him see sense telling him how much I loved him, those two months were only because he was too much of a coward to tell me it was over.

The sooner he goes the sooner you can start your recovery, and im sorry to say its a very hard road ahead. I hope he does see sense but even if he does your still have a tough time ahead whichever way you go. Im sorry your are here, Mumsnet kept me going through the darkest days of my life.

hes been so nasty saying you never loved me, for the last 4 years ive not loved you yet the other week he said he would give our relationship everything and he loved me and even the other day rang and said he missed me! Why is he doing this? Hes going to lose everything !

He is saying those things in order to justify the affair and leaving his family - many men often rewrite history and manipulate the situation (by provoking arguments, nit picking etc) to make it look like the wife is the baddie.

If he refuses to leave, do NOT do his cooking, shopping, laundry or any of the many domestic jobs you probably for for him.

He is saying that, as has been said, to justify leaving you.

Also you are no longer towing the line. Before he was giving you the tiniest glimmer of hope. So he could stay in the house until Christmas. Now you have put a spanner in the works. All hell has broke lose for him.

Stick to your guns and let him see just how easy it is. To be a weekend dad, running two households, with everyone knowing why.

can i change the locks?

Legally no if his name is on the mortgage/rent

However you could loose the keys and have to change the locks or just add another one for " security" and forget to get him another one cut.

thank you

Technically no, but yes you can. Just say you "lost" the keys. Nothing will happen to you, really.

mumwife what a horrible shock for you. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

You say i cant let him think i am a walk over... absolutely. The only way forward now is for you to tell him firmly it's over. He needs to know the situation is out of his hands.

If he does want you back, he will need to jump through all the hoops you put before him. It will be on your terms, not his.

If he doesn't, then you will still have your dignity.

Whatever you do don't beg or try to change his mind.

And yes, go ahead and change the locks, or at least add another one. Show him you're in control here, not him.

It's still very early days for you. Please go easy on yourself. And keep posting.

i wouldnt pack his bag ready and waiting for him to arrive home from work id throw it all out the front door lol there was prob shit loads more evidence of his affair than just texts logs of calls fb and msn are all sites blokes go on to sniff out the competition and it dont matter slightest bit if they are attached married or what usually you expect blokes to have affairs with model types or young bits of stuff who are a bit naive and can be easily led but they dont unfortunately they go for old bags with money more than you have. Its worse when you discover the affair is with someone 15 -20 yrs older than you just because they claim to have a bit of cash typical dogs buying your bloke basically.

i've finally asked my H to leave when he came out this morning that after having individual counselling (he's had 3 sessions recently), he might change his mind about what he wants. This is after telling me for 6 months that he wanted to be with me. I thought the reason for H having individual counselling was to work out his vulnerabilities so as to prevent him doing this again, not so he can work out if he wants me or the OW!
I obviously should have done this at the beginning as I feel that i've just wasted six months of my life when i could have been moving on.

I am really sorry to hear that molly

don't blame yourself though

you wanted to give him every opportunity, and it seems he has been doing his own thing after all

they all do

but it is only hindsight that tells you that, love

be strong now, and don't let him make a fool of you again x

Sorry to hear that Molly - if I remember rightly there were clues in your H's behaviour that indicated he was still ambivalent and he kept bringing up your faults rather than focusing on his own character flaws.

As AF has said, remember that you did everything you could and you couldn't have done any more.

Feel like an idiot for posting now. DH and i have had a good talk without the kids around and he said that he is 100% sure he wants me now, but that his counsellor has asked him if he wants to be with OW, which i suppose is normal, which then makes him think about it. So now we are together again and he is now telling family that we are not seperating after all! We both still love each other, he just needs to get over the OW. But is it normal for it to take this long? I suppose it doesn't help that they still work together.