Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

thunderbolts, I don't think anyone on this thread has 'told' the OP that she should 'allow' this man to slap her - or do anything else that she's not 100% comfortable with.

And it does seem 'odd' (to say the least) that this is a man who works with vulnerable women.

But to be shrieking that this 'is' 'DV' whether or not the OP happily agreed to it is just very, very silly. NOt helpful to OP. And certainly not helpful to any DV victims.

I think that the suggestions that women 'should' feel a particular way about their sex lives/sexual activities (or anything else, for that matter) when they have autnomy over them is pretty dubious too.

[Prolesworth]

So this bloke works with victims of sexual violence and trafficking, and then he gets off on calling you a whore in the bedroom and wants to hit you for kicks and you see no connection, nothing to be concerned about there?

[stayformulledwine]

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days?

Define normal? Different people like different things. I wouldnt call it abnormal!

Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this.

Personally I have never had a bloke request to come on my face. Though I would say that the porn industry has come on a long way and I suppose to some young men that watch it, this would be rather tame compared to whats out there these days.

Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you?

Could do, if he likes that sort of thing then he likes that sort of thing.

A lack of respect maybe?

No, a lack of respect would be just going ahead. He has asked what you think.

You have had loads of advice and I would agree with just saying no, if its not what you are into. You wouldnt expect him to do something he wasnt comfortable with would you? Doesn't make you abnormal because you arent into it either, I wouldnt say its majorly common. If he isnt then interested when you have said no, then move on.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

BTW, he's a woman-hater if he gets sexually turned on by insulting you and hurting you during sex.

[ElderberrySyrup]

I think the mistake people sometimes make is thinking that because there isn't a 1:1 correspondence between behaviour in the bedroom and outside it, there is necessarily no connection.
Porn use and sexuality don't exist in a vacuum with no relationship whatsoever to the person as a whole, and I am amazed how ready some people are to talk as if they do.

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

Funnily enough, the only two sexual partners I had who found the concept of spanking or choking me in sex were the two men who abused me.

None of the other men even considered it, and when I raised it with one ex, he looked at me like I'd grown an extra head and pointed out there was an irony in a woman asking to be assaulted for sexual pleasure.

Also disturbed by someone who works with sexual assault survivors thinking "whore" is an appropriate thing to call someone in bed.

[Sparks1]

"Masses of DV starts off in the bedroom. Masses. One of the most successful ways of getting women to accept physical violence, is to sexualise it. Then both parties can pretend that it's not an issue, as it's "separate" from the rest of their life together"

And you substantiate this claim with what proof?

[MildlyNarkyPuffin]

My problem would be deciding which bit is the 'playing'. Is he playing when he calls you names and (as he wants to) slaps you or is he playing when he smiles at you and says he adores you?

[AnyFucker]

Plump, I do wonder how much "autonomy" some women really have when they value having any relationship over their physical, but mostly emotional safety

that's not autonomy, that is coercion

[JeremyVile]

Its either that bdsm is his thing or he's failing to see where porn ends and rl begins. If its the latter then he's hardly a catch.

I think it FAR more likely that he is sexually dominant and enjoys being with a submissive partner. If he was just a sad porno-junkie I doubt he'd have bothered to check with you first.

If this is a warning sign, then its a warning that you may not be sexually compatible rather than that he is an abuser. I think he's trying to let you know this is what he's into - and its correct he does so.

I personally dont find the sexual preferences V career thing concerning. You can be a bloody decent person and still be kinky.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

True enough Don'tCallMe. I had a similar experience that the one boyfriend I had who suggested violence in the bedroom (I said no) was the one who punched me in the face later on.

Abusers will use any sort of tricks to be able to abuse women, including grooming them into consenting to violence, as this guy appears to be doing.

[EleanorRathbone]

I don't think it's odd at all that this man works with victims of sex trafficking.

We know that abusers are drawn to the group they're attracted to abusing.

So peadophiles try and get jobs where they work with children. Men who have very dodgy attitudes to women, I'm sure are over-represented in jobs where they work with vulnerable women. And before you all start howling about how awful it is to say all male social workers or whatever, are controlling misogynists, I'm not saying that, I'm just making the point that there will always be an over-representation of people with abusive attitudes in jobs which give access to vulnerable groups, wehther that be children old people, victims of DV, etc. CRB checks can't really stop that, they only kick in if someone commits an offence and gets caught.

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

AF - maybe so, but it seems that the OP does have a choice here.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

Bloody decent men don't get turned on by calling women little whores during sex Jeremy. They just don't.

[scottishmummy]

op your subtly sticking up for him,distancing self from any post you perceive as attacking him. that's a curious attitudinal shift.tell me before this man,did you think your next boyfriend would call you whore and slap your face?whose wishes are bring accommodated here - his or yours?

[AnyFucker]

yes, she has a choice, plump

she has chosen to overlook the massive red flags here, for the sake of her relationship with this "sensitive" man

and some on this thread would support her in that choice, I dread to think why

I also dread to think why a man on this thread would tell her to overlook the red flags

I have 2 words to add here

Vincent

Tabak

[AlwaysWild]

Nice men don't get turned on by hurting women. They really don't.

I've been there, got the tshirt, had all the convincing it was just 'fun' 'kinky' blah blah blah.

It's not. Nice men wonder why anyone would want to hurt their partner. Luckily I'm there wearing that tshirt now.

[scottishmummy]

eleanorrathbone,no I contest your over representation of abusers work with vulnerable,what do you mean?nurses,gp,teachers,sw all have more of a propensity? certainly unfortunately a minority do seek employment with vulnerable groups and yes no enhanced crb can pick up if act ins not detected.but please dont scare monger or alarm that such jobs are teeming with covert abusers

[Sparks1]

"And yes the person in the bedroom is the same person as outside of it. People don't suddenly change their personalities just because sex is involved."

What a ridiculous comment. One's personality is made up of many facets.

If that comment were true rapists would never be described as nice people by those who didn't get raped by them!

Honestly, think before you post.

[AlwaysWild]

Sparks1 - having many facets doesn't mean you only use on at a time now does it.

Honestly, think before you post.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

People can disguise their personalities, but if sexual abuse and violence is what turns them on, they are sexually abusive and violence.

It's not complicated to understand, try thinking a little harder.

[Prolesworth]

"I personally dont find the sexual preferences V career thing concerning. You can be a bloody decent person and still be kinky."

Wow, way to gloss over what this bloke is doing, JV.

He works to (presumably) support people (probably women and girls then) who have been victims of sexual violence and trafficking. It's likely then that in his working day he'll be hearing/reading accounts of what these victims have suffered and - if he has any contact with these people - he'll be seeing the effects of the trauma they have suffered.

And then in private he gets off on violence and humiliation.

Is anyone seriously suggesting that there is an impermeable boundary between his working and private selves?

[thunderboltsandlightning]

Maybe all the kinksters never have a sexual thought at work.

[AnyFucker]

Rapists disguise their rapist "facets" so they can walk among us

They are still rapists though, even when they are colleague, boyfriend, husband, dad, brother, father, priest etc

[thunderboltsandlightning]

Do you think he thinks of the women he works with who've been raped into real life prostitution when he's calling his gf a wh*re in the bedroom?