Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

And with regards to the OP, if you don't feel comfortable with it, say "no." If he doesn't respect that, get rid.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

I wasn't aware I'd asked you that question PlumpDog.

But thanks for taking the time to answer anyway. Good of you.

I'd still like to hear from the OP. Slapping someone's face has nothing to do with sex, there are no sexual feelings involved in a face slap, certainly not for the OP - she hasn't expressed an interest. So the question then is why is it acceptable in a sexual situation.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

Indeed DCMFD, it's inviting domestic violence into the bedroom and calling it "sex".

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

Read my earlier posts, FrothyDragon - I don't think it should be. (In fact, read my last post, it doesn't suggest this at all.)

My point is that trying to compare OP's partner's request to something from a (presumably platonic) friend whilst out and about is simply ridiculous.

Similarly, whilst it seems that the OP isn't very happy with the idea, she's not entirely clear about this in her posts. (Again, please see my earlier posts if you think I'm saying she should go with it unless it's what she wants.)

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

The fact this man works with victims of sexual violence and is turned on by the use of violence in the bedroom concerns me.

Had I told my story to someone who works in such a field, I'd be disturbed to find out that he found violence during sex a turn on. Very disturbing.

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

Had understood your question as rhetorical, thunderbolts, but will of course remember my place and not speak in future unless spoken to first.

If I may be so bold, though, I'd like to ask why you bother to wait for a reply from the OP, since your already convinced you know how she feels - better than she does, apparently...

there are no sexual feelings involved in a face slap, certainly not for the OP - she hasn't expressed an interest.

[scottishmummy]

uncomfortable he works with vulnerable women who have experienced sexual and domestic violence.....and he gets aroused slapping women. is his apparent sensitivity and work right on-ness

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

But plumpdog, you've compared something that doesn't take place outside of sexual acts with something that happens quite frequently outside of sexual acts.

Thunderbolts point was valid.

[Prolesworth]

"The fact this man works with victims of sexual violence and is turned on by the use of violence in the bedroom concerns me."

Me too, Frothy. Extremely disturbing and worrying.

[scottishmummy]

is his right on-ness and work persona just a put on?is really disturbing if he hears such distressing accounts in office and brings them to the bedroom

[Sparks1]

It's good to know that this site has so many properly qualified psychologists able to make such insightful conclusions as to what this man does or doesn't do.

It's quite obvious the OP is not comfortable with it so should say no. So why the need to offer amateur hour root causes?

[thunderboltsandlightning]

Nope not rhetorical. It was obviously addressed to the OP Plumpdog, unless you think that I was telling you to get rid of your boyfriend too.

I guess we'll have to wait for the OP to come back to find out just how much of a turn on she finds having her face slapped, but

"I don't think so when it comes to face slapping. I'm not appalled by the idea, but like I said before, I just feel perhaps it's a step too far."

isn't exactly singing the erotic praises of face-slapping.

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

I really don't agree, Frothy - but then I wasn't asking you, so ner.
(Childish response, I know... but 'valid', apparently, ATM.)

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

It'd make me worry about the bigger picture.

We have a man, working in a position where he is hearing stories that have torn people apart, and he still thinks violence in a sexual relationship is acceptable? Is he solely doing this job so he can prey on victims' accounts, and use those as erotica? [shudders at thought]

[ElderberrySyrup]

He sounds really manipulative to me.

It's not just the work thing (though I think that is very worrying) but the OP is assuring us he is sensitive and she doesn't feel pushed into anything, and yet she felt the need to come on here and ask for validation. Which makes me wonder if there were any innocent 'oh, are you really surprised at me asking you?' type comments coming from him when she refused.

[ImperialBlether]

It's funny that you don't know him well enough to turn to him when you're feeling wobbly, but he feels he knows you well enough to ask you if he can slap your face during sex.

I agree that this is a porn thing. I do think you need to talk to him about his porn usage and whether he thinks porn reflects real relationships.

I wouldn't want a man who wanted to do that, tbh. It's humiliating - that's the point of it. I wouldn't want a man who wanted to humiliate me.

The physical risk, too - god, just thinking about it. Perhaps if he brings this up when he's talking dirty, say, "Mmm yes and will you come to see me in hospital?" and "Mmm but I'd better remember to buy some stronger foundation, to cover the bruises" or "Mmm but only on a Friday night because I won't be able to leave the house for a couple of days."

I take your point that he's a decent man, but he really needs to get a grip if he thinks face slapping is mainstream.

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

I don't have a boyfriend, thunderbolts - not sure why you think I do.

My impression is that the OP is unsure how she feels about this face-slapping request.

It sounds pretty unattractive to me, but I think that drawing a parallel between it and DV is pretty crass and awful, TBH.

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

How are you missing this, Sparks?

He works with vulnerable women, and then he finds degrading his partner a turn on?

It doesn't take a BSc in psychology to see the red flags there... Does it?

[thunderboltsandlightning]

I'd still like to know what names he's calling her during sex.

Also, OP look at your name: Allabitmuch. Says it all.

He's grooming you. Please get away. It might feel nice just now, but it's going to start hurting very soon.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

I'd forgotten that as long as someone gets an orgasm, slapping your female partner's face isn't domestic violence.

What a turn up for the abusers. They can just claim she "consented".

[Allabitmuch]

But don't you think that what happens in the bedroom is private and does not necessarily bear any relation to what the person is like in "real life"?

For example, it's very common for women to enjoy fantasising about their partners pinning them down on the bed, ignoring any protests, and having their way with them. This DOES NOT mean that women want to be raped for real.

Can it not be the same for men? Yes my new sexual partner gets off on calling me names and various other dominant practices in the privacy of his bedroom. That doesn't mean he really thinks I'm his little whore - it's just playing. Outside of the bedroom he would not dream of speaking to me like that.

[EleanorRathbone]

Why is it unreasonable to see a connection between this and domestic abuse?

Masses of DV starts off in the bedroom. Masses. One of the most successful ways of getting women to accept physical violence, is to sexualise it. Then both parties can pretend that it's not an issue, as it's "separate" from the rest of their life together.

[ImperialBlether]

I just don't understand how anyone can be turned on by slapping someone's face. It's awful.

What about strangulation, OP? Ask him whether that turns him on.

(And btw I find it incredibly hard to believe that any woman is stupid enough to let a man half strangle her.)

[Sparks1]

Dontcallme..

YOU perceive it as degrading. It's YOUR personal opinion. Personally there is no way i would be able to do it to my girlfriend but that's because i have my own personal boundaries.

But that doesn't mean it's not accepted and consented to by some people.

What you find acceptable and enjoyable sexual behaviour i may not and vice versa. It doesn't mean either of us is sexually deviant or a danger to our respective partners.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

It's not possible for a woman to fantasise about being raped, because if she wants the sex it's not rape is it?

On the other hand it's quite possible for a man to fantasise about rape, because he can actually rape a woman. A man who fantasises about raping women is dangerous.

Why are you talking yourself into this relationship Allabitmuch? He calls you a little whore and works with victims of sex trafficking? That's appalling.

And yes the person in the bedroom is the same person as outside of it. People don't suddenly change their personalities just because sex is involved.