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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found images of porn on dp screenname

81 replies

sheepgomeep · 04/01/2006 22:01

I'm shaking so much I can barely type so apologies if this seems incoherent.

I've just gone on to my dp screenname only to find he's been looking at adult porn when I'm not here.

I hate this sort of stuff. A couple of months ago I found the same stuff on his phone, images and images of stuff, women having sex lesbians and stuff. He's stopped it on his phone but now does it on the internet.

He's made me feel awful. I've got some issues about myself anyway.. I've got vitilgo which is where I'm losing all the pigment in my skin and I don't have a lot of self confidence.

Well I have even less now. Am I really so fat and ugly that he has to look at images of porn to get his kicks. I bet when we have sex he's fantasing about these women instead of me

If there is any men out there who could give thier input I'd be grateful

This has really upset me

OP posts:
colditz · 04/01/2006 22:20

not a man (promise) but maybe can help give your dh's point of view?

These women are just pictures to him, it is all just pictures on screens. I bet when he has sex with you those women don't even cross his mind. I have asked a lot of my male friends about porn, and their attitudes towards it don't vary much. No porn actress, no matter ow debauched or how young, flexible and nubile, will beat a real woman that they care for, no matter what she looks like.

It doesn't matter what a man's wife looks like, she could be a page 3 model herself, it will not stop him looking at pictures of other women. But if he loves her, then that is who he wants, because a picture is just a picture. You can't cuddle a picture (and men do like cuddles), you can't chat to a picture, a picture isn't smiling at you.

The porn thing isn't remotely related to the way you look, I'd put money on it. If he is the sort of man that likes to look at porn, he would look at it if you were a porn model yourself.

ixel · 04/01/2006 22:28

I'd echo that exactly. Speaking personally, both dh and myself are not adverse to porn, both individually and together. We have very different tastes, and the kind of women he likes in that context are nothing like me. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with our relationship.Its two totally seperate things. Without meaning to sound flippant, we have, for example, different ideas of what is good taste in clothing... it doesn't mean we have a problem with the image of each other.
I really wouldn't get worried about it. looking at porn is very natural, and has nothing to do with real life in that way.

ShadowOfFormerSelf · 05/01/2006 00:34

Not a man either but though your DP viewing porn probably isn't directly related to how he views you as a sexual partner, it is making you feel devalued. I do think he should be giving your feelings far more consideration than he is doing TBH.

IMO no-one should feel pressured to take part in or accept anything with which they don't agree within a relationship, particularly sexually; it can be very damaging.

There was a link to a site about this when a similar subject was posted about recently....

ShadowOfFormerSelf · 05/01/2006 00:36

Here

romany4 · 05/01/2006 03:43

My dh looks at porn all the time especially first thing in the morning mainly because i am not a morning person and he is!!
It saves him disturbing and pestering me for sex too early in the day!!
I have also been known to surf for porn while he is sleeping mainly when HE is too tired

ggglimpopo · 05/01/2006 07:58

Message withdrawn

NomDePlume · 05/01/2006 08:51

colditz, I couldn't have put it better myself

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 05/01/2006 09:26

Thanks for your replies

Well Dp partner came in at 10 from work last night and we had a massive row about it. He admitted that he had been looking but not just for the reasons that I thought. Afterthrowing his drink against the wall he told me why he looks .. because he's very insecure about how big he is down there.. he was comparing his size to the abnormal big willies on these pics and feeling even worse about himself (yeah right not sure if I believe him, what about all the lesbian pics he had on his phone)

He told me that he loves, finds me sexy and I told him how I really feel, how low he's made me feel inside and I also told him the real reason why I find porn so ugh.. I accidently once caught my dad when I was 18 wanking over a porn mag when I went to wake him up for work. I also think that once you get addicted to adult porn then where do you stop, does the age of the women in the pics get lower and lower, till you get to early teens and then children.

His previous two exes were both very young when he met them. He met the one he had the kids by when she was 13 and he was 17 but they didn't get together until she was 15 and didn't sleep together until she was 16 ( then she got pg)The other was 15 and he was 22. He's now 24 and I'm 28 and I feel old in comparison to them.

My ex never looked at porn and I was with him for 9 years (or I never caught him) so its something that I'm not used to dealing with. Do you think its something that I'm going to have to try and accept otherwise he will find other ways to get his pleasure or put my foot down. One of my concerns was that my ds6 would find it as he sometime uses dp screenname to play games and ds is more computer literate than my dp. To be fair my dp did look a bit horrified when I pointed this out. He saisd he never thought of that.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 05/01/2006 09:26

Men don't think like women, it really is that simple. Porn is a purely visual thing but isn't confused with what we really want. Most of us also think about sex a LOT of the time, looking at porn is a way of getting a quick release, a cheap thrill. If I see anything pornographic when I'm not in the mood, I think it's all rather sad and pathetic.
Real, actual, sex with the partner in your life that you love, know is the most beautiful woman in your life, who wants and fancies you is a million times more satisfying and better than a porn video. Any man who says otherwise is either lying or single and living with their mum.

HappyDaddy · 05/01/2006 09:28

If he does still want to use the same computer as your children, he either needs to put parental control on the pc or set the kids up with separate logins. Separate logins help prevent the kids from accidentally deleting your monthly expenses or important letters to the bank, too!

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 05/01/2006 09:34

you've got some good points there Happydaddy
I just wondered if I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't feel so bad about my body. With the vitilgo I've got huge white patches all over my body including my face.. i'm a little overweight and my hair is crap.. so when I see he's been looking at naked female bodies with perfect skin hair and figures it tends to make me feel like shit

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 05/01/2006 09:37

I understand that, I'm sure he does too. He probably didn't realise how badly you felt about it.

misdee · 05/01/2006 09:45

peter looks at porn cos i wont send him naked pics of me

when i was really insecure about myself after having dd1 and in the worst of PND i couldnt even see pg3 girls in the sun without getting moody and down about myself. these days i say things like 'gosh her nipples arent level' or 'her teeth look awful'. because they arent perfect, they just have make up artists and good photographers. and wrt films, well would you like to be paid for taking it up the a*se and losing your self respect? i know i wouldnt.

gravity · 05/01/2006 09:48

men's brains really work so differently from ours huh? this will be an eternity long issue.

it would be nice, i think sheepgomeep you will agree, if men could understand why we are up in arms over the whole porn issue. its not that we are prudes but its about questioning our appearance, our performance etc. i can assure you it doesnt matter how great you feel about yourself it still puts these questions in your head and then this leads to the big blow ups!

it would be great if a mutual agreement about porn could be met when man meets woman....

gravity · 05/01/2006 09:49

misdee - how did you get to such a cool place with this.... is there a procedure??

misdee · 05/01/2006 09:53

once i got past my PND and felt more confident in myself i just realised that peter looking at porn has nothing to do with how he feels in regard to me. especially atm (he'll kill me for this lol), as he is so far away and seeing iwont send naked pics of me (somehow i can take my own pics with camera phone lol), then i dont mind a bit of porn. he has a card game called booby match, i played it with hiom that other day (bit like snap but with boobs) and my word, some of the cards, well if i were the ladies in question i wouldnt have got them out

gravity · 05/01/2006 10:05

i admire you for being cool about it, how awesome to feel so secure! good for you!

NomDePlume · 05/01/2006 10:06

rofl misdee !!!

misdee · 05/01/2006 10:07

it has taken over 5yrs to get to the point. tbh i am not happy with my own body atm, but i am not lacking confidence really. i'd love to be a slinky size 12, but thats not gonna happen overnight lol.

gravity · 05/01/2006 10:09

sorry to change subject for sec but what is rofl "roll over???" i'm not up on the jargon, see this rofl a bit please explain!

misdee · 05/01/2006 10:11

roll on the floor laughing

NomDePlume · 05/01/2006 10:11

rofl - rolling on the floor laughing

gravity · 05/01/2006 10:11

cheers

NomDePlume · 05/01/2006 10:11

PMSL - P*ss myself laughing (suppose it should really be PML)

LOL - Laugh out loud

PMP - Pee my pants (saw that one yesterday)

gravity · 05/01/2006 10:19

thanks babe! i do look like i'm a thicko huh???

the only one i knew was tbh and lol !!! oh and atm!!!