Dating advice needed! Or: how to make him realise I'm interested

[PengPeng]

Well, not dating as such, more like how to get him to notice me and the fact that I'm interested in him...

Backstory is this: went to a party for a friend ca. 5 months ago, also attending was a guy who she knows quite well and I'd never met. He works at the same place I do and is more senior but different department. We will never have anything to do with each other work-wise. I hardly knew anyone at the party (very small quiet party), so went into my quiet mode and hardly said a word to anyone. (That is what I do, it is very frustrating.)

After the party I realised that he seems quite nice, actually. Friend had been away, so when I met up with her a couple of weeks ago I asked her about him and found out he's single. Also bumped into him before I knew that, had quick conversation, ie oh hello, you're x, y's friend aren't you, is your office on this corridor, I work over there etc. but didn't want to ask him out then as didn't want to embarrass myself in case he was in a relationship. But now I know he's not.

So far so lame. Thing is, I REALLY want to get to know him. But the two times I've seen him, he didn't really seem to recognize me straightaway until I said hello, so it's a bit like he's mentally filed me under 'random bird, not interested' IYSWIM.

I thought I could ask him out for coffee (have his email address), but not really having seen him for FIVE MONTHS, I think that would seem a bit stalkerish. Wouldn't it?!

How do I get him to notice me?

Arrgh. Please don't laugh at my man-angst!

There's an event next week which he will definitely attend, and my friend is going. Should I ask her if I can tag along? Not sure if I should as there won't really be much talking opportunity anyway.

Another issue is whether he might think I'm in a relationship (I'm not) because I have a DD. Or whether he wouldn't be interested because he doesn't have children.

I've not been on a date for a very long time. Nothing at all since split from DD's father, and that was quite a long relationship. Can you tell?

Morning bump?

I could have written your post a couple of weeks ago, I was in a very similar situation with someone at work. I am also the shy type but decided that this time this one wasn't getting away so easily. Having found out he was single I approached him, shaking like an absolute leaf, and introduced myself, asked if he'd like to go for a drink and gave him my number before making a hasty retreat He was very flattered and we're going for a drink next weekend It was probably the most liberating thing I've ever done, totally out of character but it felt amazing Give it a go!

I wouldn't bother going to the event with your friend if you dont think there will be an opportunity to chat, just go for it when you see him next. Otherwise he may think you're a bit stalkerish if you keep appearing at events but don't chat? Good luck

Oooh, well done! It would have been great if I'd thought to do that.

Good point about just randomly turning up without talking, that would be a bit weird.

I'm just worried that after several months now he doesn't even remember me or wasn't that impressed with me in the first place, so when he gets my message he might just think wtf!

Eye contact and a nice smile should give him a clue you find him ok.:-)

The nervous giggling might do that too...

But what about the 'politics' of dating - how do I make him think that he really wants to talk to me?

Hang on a minute.

You went to a party five months ago. There was a senior manager from work there. You didn't say anything.

Now AFTER the party you realise you like him. Why didn't you realise it at the time?

DO NOT ASK HIM OUT!

You can ask your friend to have another party and there you can talk to him, but do not ask him out now.

I'd not ask him out until you've bumped into him again, so to do that you should ask your mate if you can come to the event. Once you're there, you can say Hi since you've met before. If you want there to be an opportunity to talk, there will be.
At the least, you will be going out with the chance to meet someone else...

(He's not a manager, just more senior to me but not in a manger type role.)

I don't know why I didn't realise at the time that he seemed nice. He did seem nice in a general way, but I guess I was too busy feeling awkward about not knowing what to say to anyone at the party. Plus I'd had a busy day and had to rush to the party so kind of flopped once I got there. And it was such a small party that only one person talked at a time, so everyone would have noticed if I'd said something to him.
Since then I've been trying to think of how to engineer a meeting, and then life got in the way.

Your post sounds quite alarmed!

5 months is probably an absurdly long time to be contacted out of the blue. Hence I was considering going to this event and if I don't get a chance to say hi, perhaps send him a message the next day about how interesting the talk he gave was. Would that work?

I'm hopeless.

Taghain, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Sorry, hadn't seen you mention the event next week.

Would it be normal for you to attend the event? Is it a social event or for work?

I'm worried because if he's filed you under 'random bird, not interested' as you put it(!) then an email asking him out would come as a big surprise and of course we don't know whether that surprise would be a shock or not!

If it wouldn't seem weird for you to be at the event, then yes, go along, but don't make it look like you've made too much effort.

I realise I'm probably projecting my own anxieties onto this situation!

There are no anxieties you can project onto this that I don't already have myself!

The event is sort of work-related but mostly for entertainment (film showing with associated talk). It's fine for me to be there, and some other people are going for this guy's sake (in a friendly support kind of way, at least I think so!).

I just thought if I go and he sees me there, then I can either talk to him there (unlikely as he'll probably be busy talking to lots of people) or send him an email later and the event would work as a sort of anchor/reason to contact him iyswim.

I'd appreciate any advice, I'm not overly confident and when I have a crush on someone it tends to run away with me. I can have whole relationships in my head after only talking to a guy once, or not even talking to him at all. This makes it difficult to decide on an appropriate course of action somewhere between 'don't talk to him, why would he be interested in someone ugly/boring like you'' and 'go for it, he smiled at you, that means he wants to marry you doesn't it'. It's quite pathetic really.

I'd say go for it, attend the event and make the opportunity to say hi to him, go to the bar at the same time. If you don't then you will always be wondering so if he isn't interested then at least you will know.

Go to the event, nothing wrong with putting yourself in his eye level but don't ask him out. He will ask you if he is interested.

Maybe you need some ground rules before you propose to him!

Don't stare at him
Smile at him when you first see him and say hello, but not in an effusive way - do it in the way you would smile and greet a female friend
Make a point of asking one open question - ie "Do you know who..." (sorry, something to do with the film, can't think what!)
Be positive in what you're saying
Look like you're enjoying yourself when you're talking to your friend

Most of all:

DON'T STARE AT HIM!

DON'T ASK HIM OUT!

DON'T PROPOSE TO HIM!

Ok! I'll try not to propose to him!

I like the suggestion to ask an open question. Now I just have to come up with a supremely interesting one.

I'm glad you all approve of my plan to go to the event. I don't think there will be a bar unfortunately. Got babysitting all sorted.

But what if he still doesn't really react to seeing me? I'll try not to be effusive and shall treat him like my female friends, that's a good idea.

This is nerve racking. I feel like I'm 13 again.

The thing is, you don't know whether you like him as you don't really know him.

Instead of just trying to endear yourself to him, why not see whether he's the sort of man you actually do like? Listen to what he's saying. See how he behaves with others. Remember if you two do get together, he's lucky.

Aww thanks, that's good advice. I am determined this time to find someone who is right for me. You're right, I don't know him, but from his job (sorry, can't be specific) he is the type of person I'd like to know better. I am slightly worried that something he does or says will make me not like him as that's almost worse than him not liking me. But! First I need the guts to talk to him!

Better he declares himself to be an idiot early on, though! Think positively!

1. Take a permanent marker and your largest, whitest pair of knickers.

1. Scrawl "I think you're hot!" on seat of said undergarment.

1. Go to work wearing appropriately embellished pants and a manipulable skirt (note - tights will spoil the effect but stockings are acceptable).

1. Enter target's office, seductively mount his desk, shove your bum in his face and tweak skirt, giving him a reveal he'll never forget.

If you are alert to the subtle nuances of body language you may then get a clue as to whether or not your feelings are reciprocated.

HTH

I don't have any white knickers, sorry. Otherwise great idea, ta. Can totally see it working.

Small issue: have asked my friend if I can meet her on the way to the event. She said it's absolutely fine for me to go, completely normal, no problem. It's just that she'll be busy until it starts, so will probably get there just a few minutes late.

I feel kind of awkward about that. There will be other people there who I met at the party, as well as hopefully a guy I know slightly better who is good friends with The Guy. If he's there then it'll be fine as I can just go and talk to him/sit next to him, but if he's not there I'll feel like a random loner until my friend gets there.

Argh. Should I stay at home? There won't really be another opportunity like this anytime soon, but I'm worried I'll look like a tit.

I got the thread moved from Chat to Relationships because I'm hoping for some more handholding instructions kind advice.