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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating advice needed! Or: how to make him realise I'm interested

99 replies

PengPeng · 19/11/2011 23:43

Well, not dating as such, more like how to get him to notice me and the fact that I'm interested in him...

Backstory is this: went to a party for a friend ca. 5 months ago, also attending was a guy who she knows quite well and I'd never met. He works at the same place I do and is more senior but different department. We will never have anything to do with each other work-wise. I hardly knew anyone at the party (very small quiet party), so went into my quiet mode and hardly said a word to anyone. (That is what I do, it is very frustrating.)

After the party I realised that he seems quite nice, actually. Friend had been away, so when I met up with her a couple of weeks ago I asked her about him and found out he's single. Also bumped into him before I knew that, had quick conversation, ie oh hello, you're x, y's friend aren't you, is your office on this corridor, I work over there etc. but didn't want to ask him out then as didn't want to embarrass myself in case he was in a relationship. But now I know he's not.

So far so lame. Thing is, I REALLY want to get to know him. But the two times I've seen him, he didn't really seem to recognize me straightaway until I said hello, so it's a bit like he's mentally filed me under 'random bird, not interested' IYSWIM.

I thought I could ask him out for coffee (have his email address), but not really having seen him for FIVE MONTHS, I think that would seem a bit stalkerish. Wouldn't it?!

How do I get him to notice me?

Arrgh. Please don't laugh at my man-angst!

There's an event next week which he will definitely attend, and my friend is going. Should I ask her if I can tag along? Not sure if I should as there won't really be much talking opportunity anyway.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/11/2011 17:02

You should take it simply as he would like to see you.

The rest will either happen the way you would like, or it will not.

Give him a chance to catch up with you on the liking front.

And chill

Original poster

PengPeng · 29/11/2011 21:02

I was kind of wondering - there is something on at the theatre that I'd really like to see next weekend. I don't really have anyone to go with as most of my friends aren't really into that kind of thing. Would it be pushy to ask him if he'd be interested? Don't want to put him off by suggesting a date-like activity, but genuinely wouldn't like to miss this. Too much too soon?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 29/11/2011 23:45

or go on your own? That may have you running for the hills but ime it's one of life's pleasures re cinema/theatre alone - a real treat.

Hmm sounds like he is an extrovert and you are an introvert? I'm the former and I chatter away, expecting people to join in, don't realise they need drawing out. He may have been frustrated that you didn't volunteer much info - I know I usually am, feel I've got to do all the work? I'm not criticising you though OP - we're all different eg you may have felt you couldn't get a word in! imo he's being quite sensible and measured re he's been friendly and generally extended invites (extrovert!) and tbh this could lead anywhere - you will either be friends or something more will develop. He may like to see you in a broader setting - less pressure for you both.

I personally wouldn't invite him to the theatre - he has already mapped out what he'd like to happen in the future and didn't suggest anything more personal. I'd go along to the things he's suggesting - maybe leave the creative one for now, or until you get to know people better - and take it from there.

Well done brave person!

autumnflower · 30/11/2011 00:30

an update! that's nice, OP.
Agree with some other posts that so far he;s either already put you firmly un 'friends' category - or he has no clear idea yet and wants to see you more socially, and see whether you'd get on. Especially as you didn't say that much, he might feel he wants to know you better as a person. He's not ready to date at this point, butI think he's open minded. Probably best not to invite to theatre (I know how frustrating it is to sit and wait for HIS invitations!), as to going to the events, go to some, but not all of them, show you aer not just eager to please so to speak. It's great though that you have a chance to develop it, and then it's either meant to be or not. Would be much worse if you had nothing in common and no chance to build things. Are you very keen still? do you enjoy his company, or actually already thinking on sexual lines? try not to, too much, as it does inhibit being yourself as you can get tongue-tied / flirt rather than talk. Not helpful if he's not there yet.

Original poster

PengPeng · 30/11/2011 07:23

Thank you, they are all good points you raise. You actually seem to have the same impression of him that I have. He's definitely an extrovert while I'm an introvert! Does that mean its all doomed to fail?

As disappointing as it is, I think it's probably better not to invite him to theatre. Not much chance to talk then anyway.

I like him as a person, though I'm usually drawn to talkative people & then get fed up with never getting a word in edge ways / them not showing much interest in my life.

We don't have a lot in common, but do have some interests that cross over. The weird thing is, he's very good looking, but having gotten to know him slightly better yesterday , he actually seemed more normal than OMGFit. Does that ever happen to other people?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 30/11/2011 09:09

Yes it does - he's a human being, regardless of the package. And it's two human beings who get together to form a lasting bond.

on the extrovert/introvert front - opposites can attract and value what the other has, isn't necessarily a dealbreaker. in general I would say that extroverts very much appreciate being 'interrupted' (if you like) ie a conversation that flows, each dipping in and out.

Original poster

PengPeng · 30/11/2011 09:26

Thank you, that's helpful. I'm not usually 'pushy' in conversations with people I don't know very well, so that's good to know!

OP posts:

fiventhree · 30/11/2011 13:00

Sorry, had to run yesterday. And kids off today.

Maybe an event which requires creativity would be good personal development for you in its own right, especially if your job is quite 'cerebral'. I remember my daughter hated drama at school, but I persuaded her to add it to her very academic GCSE list. She loved it, and got an A star. It certainly helped her to explore a different a different side of herself.

34 year old men are often getting to that stage in life where they have had enough of the extrovert fun lifestyle.

anothermum92 · 30/11/2011 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

PengPeng · 05/12/2011 23:19

An update!!

He invited me to his house, together with a big group of other people. Sounds like it'll be some sort of friendly afternoon to evening gathering. My friend can't make it unfortunately, so if I go, it would just be me, him and many people several years older and more experienced than me.

Any views?

(Also not asking him out to theatre!)

OP posts:

ripitupandstartagain · 06/12/2011 00:16

Duh! Accept of course!!

ripitupandstartagain · 06/12/2011 00:17

autumnflower · 06/12/2011 01:01

good! if you are the youngest and don't automatically/obviously fit into that group, it means he wants to see you and sort of form his opinion properly, imo. It doesn't seem like he'd invite you purely to bump up the guest list, or because anyone knows you, so it follows that he's curious! He's also obviously not a blunt type when it comes to women!

Original poster

PengPeng · 06/12/2011 14:30

You think so? He invited my friend too and knows her quite well, but she can't make it. I think I can't go really, because I don't know him that well yet, and I've met perhaps two of the other people once, so it would be kind of obvious I'm there only because of him which could be all kinds of awkward.

OP posts:

autumnflower · 06/12/2011 19:09

awkwartd in front of him or others, you mean? How many people are going? If lots they are bound not to know many others who are there. And is it just a random party or an occasion - if random, it's not obvious to anyone, and why would they all be focused on your motives?? If he's a very social man, no one would jump to conclusions as he is always around people. If it's obviious to him - that's only good, isn't it? If you don't go he might take it as lack of desire to see him IF he was curious/mildly interested. If you don't go, then at least offer an alternative to meet elsewhere. But he's obv not so comfortable to date one-to-one yet and would rather socialise with you first, of course he might agree if he is secretly already interested, but it's a risk. Best thing is to go, and see how you feel - you canm always leave early, if it's informal.

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/12/2011 15:46

Woman, he has invited you!!!

Don't be rude, go!

Original poster

PengPeng · 07/12/2011 19:18

Well, I don't want to be rude! It was a Facebook invite, so from that I can see virtually all the other people are from his department, and all more senior than I am in my department. Plus most of them are female (bad sign?) and the chatty bouncy exciting type, whereas I, as previously established, am more of an introvert. So it wouldn't feel nice to watch all these big-haired bubbly women fawn over him iyswim.

I can't do the whole 'oh no cant make it what a shame how about we meet some other time' thing because I've already done that and twice would be a bit contrived.

Might send him a message (without whinging about not knowing anyone!) after consulting my friend.

OP posts:

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 07/12/2011 19:27

Just go! Be nice (and yourself) and look good!

G1nger · 07/12/2011 20:25

Oh god, love, I'm shy too - and work hard to disguise it. Think through conversation topics with people in advance for the party and go and have fun. It gets easier with time, it really does.

Btw, I suspect he either doesn't fancy you or wants to spend more time finding out. x

Original poster

PengPeng · 07/12/2011 21:02

Yeah, I'm not sure. Don't really want to put in lots of effort with random people if he knows it's because of him but doesn't like me...

OP posts:

keynesian · 07/12/2011 21:16

You seem to be over thinking everything and over generalising maybe a little unfairly about others... and as for Don't really want to put in lots of effort with random people if he knows it's because of him but doesn't like me...

Some of them may be really friendly and interesting people and worth socialising with for their own sake but if you yourself can't make a small effort you'll never know.

G1nger · 07/12/2011 21:37

I second the above. He also really wouldn't think you were putting in the effort because of him. No way.

Original poster

PengPeng · 07/12/2011 21:42

I know some of them might be lovely people. At the moment I think I might say yes just because it's something to do, new people who I might see around work sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

PengPeng · 17/12/2011 22:35

Update

Saw him last night at one of those regular events he suggested I go to. Apart from saying hello and brief small talk about what we've been doing/xmas plans etc, and to ask if I was coming to the party at his house, he didn't talk to me one single bit.

I've realised he's extremely popular with women, and I've heard rumours that he has 2 girlfriends. From what he talked about when we met for coffee, I'm not sure that's the case, but he is going to stay with a female friend for a week over the holidays, so who knows what their relationship involves.

I also noticed that this female friend, as well as his two most recent girlfriends all live abroad, so perhaps he likes distance or whatever.

Aaanyhooooo, I don't think he's right for me at the moment, or interested in me, because if he was interested, he would have talked to me more. I'm still intrigued by him and will see how things go in the new year, but I won't go to his party or ask him out in any way.

OP posts:

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