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Original poster

Dating advice needed! Or: how to make him realise I'm interested

99 replies

PengPeng · 19/11/2011 23:43

Well, not dating as such, more like how to get him to notice me and the fact that I'm interested in him...

Backstory is this: went to a party for a friend ca. 5 months ago, also attending was a guy who she knows quite well and I'd never met. He works at the same place I do and is more senior but different department. We will never have anything to do with each other work-wise. I hardly knew anyone at the party (very small quiet party), so went into my quiet mode and hardly said a word to anyone. (That is what I do, it is very frustrating.)

After the party I realised that he seems quite nice, actually. Friend had been away, so when I met up with her a couple of weeks ago I asked her about him and found out he's single. Also bumped into him before I knew that, had quick conversation, ie oh hello, you're x, y's friend aren't you, is your office on this corridor, I work over there etc. but didn't want to ask him out then as didn't want to embarrass myself in case he was in a relationship. But now I know he's not.

So far so lame. Thing is, I REALLY want to get to know him. But the two times I've seen him, he didn't really seem to recognize me straightaway until I said hello, so it's a bit like he's mentally filed me under 'random bird, not interested' IYSWIM.

I thought I could ask him out for coffee (have his email address), but not really having seen him for FIVE MONTHS, I think that would seem a bit stalkerish. Wouldn't it?!

How do I get him to notice me?

Arrgh. Please don't laugh at my man-angst!

There's an event next week which he will definitely attend, and my friend is going. Should I ask her if I can tag along? Not sure if I should as there won't really be much talking opportunity anyway.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 21/11/2011 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TooEasilyTempted · 21/11/2011 15:29

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2063981/Christmas-party-tips-Hate-meeting-strangers-Heres-talk-way-it.html

OK I know it's from the Daily Mail, but it might help!

Make eye contact, smile, say hello to anyone you know that is at the event. If it's a film showing, then there should be plenty of opportunity for conversation based on that, even if you can't think of anything else to say.

Good luck!

TooEasilyTempted · 21/11/2011 15:31

Although I wouldn't advise going along with the "who would your ideal celebrity parents be?" question - he might think you're bonkers Grin

Original poster
PengPeng · 21/11/2011 15:45

Ha, yes, can't see that one working! (Bunch of academics!)

Those tips sound good. I know if I go with an open mind I could potentially meet someone different there who is far more interesting/clever/lovely, but dammit just for once I want to get the guy I actually set my mind on. Wink

OP posts:
Apocalypto · 21/11/2011 19:17

Can you email him and ask him if he's going to this thing your mate [let's call her Mildred] told you about? Only you were thinking of tagging along but not if Mildred's the only person there you'll know.

If you then turn up, he should get the message. He can then wander over and say hello.

If he chooses not to show or not to talk to you, nobody's going to be embarrassed because nobody asked anyone out and nobody got knocked back either.

I wouldn't ask him out directly without preparing the ground a bit. Although this does happen, it doesn't happen that often and if he's not expecting it he may g a bit speechless on you.

Did you say he's an academic? One way of telling if an academic fancies you is that, if he does, he talks to your shoes instead of his own.

Original poster
PengPeng · 21/11/2011 23:19

Well, I've been and it was fine. Smile It was great, I feel quite positive.

Got there before my friend, said hi to the guy. Did actually say something during the discussion, which is unusual for me, and thankfully he looked at me the whole time I was talking and smiled and nodded and stuff. So hopefully he doesn't think I'm a total weirdo.

The only annoying bit was that some people (including him) wanted to go for a drink afterwards, but I had to get back to DD and didn't want babysitter to have to wait too long, so politely declined. Would have liked to go, but I'm rubbish in social group situations anyway, and DD has priority.

So now I've been mentally composing a potential message to him, which made me wonder: should I mention DD as my reason for going home? (He might know about her already from friends, but I'm not sure.) Should I put a kiss at the end of the message?

It's also made me realise that if any guy is ever interested in me, I'm not a very attractive option for them. What bothers me most at the moment is that I don't really have any friends as such. I kind of have two (a couple) who I see quite often, but I'm trying to distance myself a bit because they make me feel rubbish about myself. But if I met a guy and he had no friends, I would see that as a turn-off/red flag. So basically I have lots of red flags which are likely to put guys off. This particular guy seems very outgoing and sociable, so if he finds out I have no friends, he'd probably not be interested.

So although I'm very happy about having had a good evening, I feel quite Sad about feeling like a bad catch.

OP posts:
Original poster
PengPeng · 21/11/2011 23:21

Apocalypto, I shall watch out for any shoe-ward glances! Thing is, he seems to have good social skills, he's really great.

How would I prepare the ground for asking him out? I was only thinking about coffee or something.

OP posts:
autumnflower · 21/11/2011 23:27

OP, you are jumping ahead too much (what if doesn't like this or that). First he has to fancy and like you - if these things aer not there, there's no pint thinking of more complex issues. If he does, then the issues aer not a big deal - if you explain that you want friends but are shy/been stressed, he'd understand it IF he likes you. Opposites often attract - I ve seen many couples where one is outgoing, another shy.
Are you e-mailing him? suggest a coffee, good thing is you seem to have interests in common to discuss. Though I think he's not expecting it - as you didn't talk as such this eve.

autumnflower · 21/11/2011 23:30

I wouldn't immediately mention DD, until you meet - this would kind of sound that you are already thinking of ltr, anyone could have a chat over coffee whether they have a child or not.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 21/11/2011 23:47

Leave it at least a couple of days before you email him with a question pertaining to his talk this evening - needless to say, putting x at the end of your missive is a total no-no unless you're asking for an algebraic soluction.

Keep it professional until he makes a move on you and certainly don't refer to why you declined drinks after the meeting.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 21/11/2011 23:47

'soluction'? wtf? solution

Original poster
PengPeng · 21/11/2011 23:55

Good points, all of them. I do have a tendency to jump ahead, but as I'm usually aware of this I tend to do nothing just in case I go too far. So I don't usually let people see any of my overthinking.

We have quite a few interests in common, so meeting for coffee could go well - IF he wants to meet in the first place. I was thinking of emailing him tomorrow as that's close enough to the event today to be relevant rather than random.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/11/2011 23:58

He will have noticed you if you contributed to the discussion, so that bit has been covered re you're on the map now.

imo not being too available has got to be a good thing - in fact, imo it is a prerequisite - so you leaving early is not necessarily a black mark at all. No, don't mention dd (none of his business at this stage) and no, don't put a soluction at the end Wink

Loved that tip about shoes - brilliant.

You could email him about the talk but keep it about the talk iyswim. Don't mention anyting about meeting up yet, keep it exclusively about the talk. If you are interested in what he is interested in (are you? you must be if you are generally shy but piped up in the meeting!) he'll think you have jolly good taste and it'll give you something to have a solid discussion about.

springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:01

oh, and as we're talking feet - if, when someone is talking to you, their feet are pointing square at you then you know they are interested in you. If one foot is pointing elsewhere, you know they want to be where that foot is pointing. If both feet are pointed away from you... Sad

Just a general pointer (arf) there - there are people who are socially awkward and find social interaction excruciating so will have feet, body, head, eyes permanently fixed on the door etc Confused

autumnflower · 22/11/2011 00:11

question re feet - what if the feet are pointing in your direction, but the man is avoiding looking at you for any lebgth, and looks sideways/away?

Original poster
PengPeng · 22/11/2011 00:17

I shall refrain from any kind of reference to a soluction. Grin

I'm glad there's potentially a positive side to not going for drinks afterwards. I was quite jealous of my friend who went along, but then again she goes to everything (in a way in which I wouldn't even if I could). I can't tell if she has a thing for him, but she gave me quite a bit of info about him, and she's leaving the country for good soon...

If I emailed just about the talk, I'd have to come up with something reeeeeally fascinating, and it just wasn't quite that deep. And once he's answered whatever I come up with, what then? By that point today's event will be too far in the past for me to use no-drinks as a reason to meet up with him...

(Overanalysing, I do it.)

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:17

the feet are the thing Wink

springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:18

particularly when someone is trying to get you to buy a house Sad

sorry autumn (argh)

autumnflower · 22/11/2011 00:21

do you know his relationship history - i.e. when was he involved last? if he's just split up he might not be ready, but if single for a while, he should respond to a coffee invite - though if you work in the same building, can't you bump into him in a cafe and then suggest joining you? I purely am worried that if he makes excuses, you might be upset - or aer you up for that? Not much to build on for now, so no guarantees.

springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:23

Perhaps you could email him to say you enjoyed the talk? I dunno, what do people think?

Original poster
PengPeng · 22/11/2011 00:23

Not sure about the feet thing. Sorry! I find it much more convincing when people look at me properly, plus body language in a more general way, i.e. looking around for more interesting people to talk to/things to look at vs. looking you in the eyes without staring, relaxed leaning back vs. on the edge of their seat etc.

OP posts:
autumnflower · 22/11/2011 00:24

springy - haha! no, I'm now ready to strat joking on te subject! he did point feet in my direction quite a lot (while standing to the side, so not quite in my line of vision ( but i have a good periphiral vision ha) - that was his thing)

autumnflower · 22/11/2011 00:26

peripheral

springydaffs · 22/11/2011 00:26

There are charming people about, who are naturally gregarious, who will look you full in the face, laugh, smile etc - doesn't mean they're interested. Doesn't mean theyre playing you, just naturally friendly. The feet will tell the truth (apparently)

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