Dating advice needed! Or: how to make him realise I'm interested

[PengPeng]

Well, not dating as such, more like how to get him to notice me and the fact that I'm interested in him...

Backstory is this: went to a party for a friend ca. 5 months ago, also attending was a guy who she knows quite well and I'd never met. He works at the same place I do and is more senior but different department. We will never have anything to do with each other work-wise. I hardly knew anyone at the party (very small quiet party), so went into my quiet mode and hardly said a word to anyone. (That is what I do, it is very frustrating.)

After the party I realised that he seems quite nice, actually. Friend had been away, so when I met up with her a couple of weeks ago I asked her about him and found out he's single. Also bumped into him before I knew that, had quick conversation, ie oh hello, you're x, y's friend aren't you, is your office on this corridor, I work over there etc. but didn't want to ask him out then as didn't want to embarrass myself in case he was in a relationship. But now I know he's not.

So far so lame. Thing is, I REALLY want to get to know him. But the two times I've seen him, he didn't really seem to recognize me straightaway until I said hello, so it's a bit like he's mentally filed me under 'random bird, not interested' IYSWIM.

I thought I could ask him out for coffee (have his email address), but not really having seen him for FIVE MONTHS, I think that would seem a bit stalkerish. Wouldn't it?!

How do I get him to notice me?

Arrgh. Please don't laugh at my man-angst!

There's an event next week which he will definitely attend, and my friend is going. Should I ask her if I can tag along? Not sure if I should as there won't really be much talking opportunity anyway.

I know he's been single for a couple of months (possibly 6 months max). He seems quite a friendly type, but if he declines it'll be easy enough to avoid him.

My schedule is so random that I hardly ever bump into anyone I know, and round here people usually have to dash, so asking in a message is more likely to succeed in my estimation. And it kind of lets him know in an obvious way that I'm interested, so he can make it work if he wants to, whereas engineering a chance meeting would make me wonder for ages if he was really just very busy or doesn't like me. So in order to avoid pining for weeks on end I need clarity.

Letting him know I enjoyed the talk is def my plan because I did!

asking what in a message - asking him out? aw no, I think to email him that you enjoyed his talk (yay that you did!) is enough of a hint tbh - I don't think you need to ask him out.

I meant asking if he wants to meet for coffee. Where I work people do this all the time, so I don't think it would be too outrageous. Plus I don't know what my friends have told him about me (if anything), so he might know I have a DD, which might make him think I'm in a relationship.

yes, ask for coffee - after all you are connected work-wise, and it can sound social. Then of course let him invite you again if he wants too. It's good that you are pragmatic - I'm like that (rather know than pine for weeks - which happened to me recently).

Fgs, don't rush to email him as soon as you get into work - wait at least until after lunch because, who knows, he might email you.

When you do send a message keep it businesslike. Tell him in a non-effusive manner that enjoyed his talk and find a question to ask about the subject.

Your objective is to have an exchange of 'his talk' related emails which, as you work in the same buildiing, can gradually extend to 'would enjoy talking about this some more - are you free for coffee later' or even 'are you free for lunch' at the appropriate times if he doesn't invite you within the next few days.

Given that you work for the same company, it is particularly important that you play it cool because it will be your reputation on the line if you come over like a lovestruck teenager or a bunny boiling stalker.

Well. I emailed him today saying thanks for great talk, brief reference to something he said and would he like to have coffee. And he said

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YES!!!

He even suggested a specific day and time next week, but I can't make it then.

So I shall do my best to find the line between letting him know when I'm free and looking desperate for his company.

Assuming we meet up and it goes ok (i.e. no long silences, awkward comments, wildly different politics, spilt drinks) - what would I do then?? Without getting ahead of myself, I'd kind of like going in with a plan so that I can work towards it. And how to move from friendly coffee to more date-like meetings/hinting that I quite like him?

I assume you are having coffee in the company's building - or nearby, so it's all more social than personal, which is great, as more chance of you being yourself and not too nervous. Any proper date suggestions is really up to him - don't put yourself on the line, especially after the first (be it 'social') intiative. So no plan on your part really, apart from acting friendly, finding topics in common, being witty maybe? If he looks like he's warming up - then smile towards the end so he can see you aer happy in his company for sure, this will encourage him. Not sure whether you should flirt a little towards the end (non verbally) - it may be too much, unless he's actually flirting. Just follow him, as in don't be ahead of him in your flirting/invitations.

yay! that's exciting! well done !!

(though I'm finding it hard to forgive you for the dotted suspense)

Why a plan OP? so far, very reasonable and measured/natural - but a plan?? I don't think you need a plan - see how it goes. See if you get on and want to spend some more time together, step at a time. You don't even know him, just liked the look of him. There's more to a person than the external wrapper eh.

Send a casual email with an apology (that is exactly what it says on the tin - i.e it is NOT an explanation of why you're unavailable) for not being able to have coffee on x date and giving a couple of other dates that you are available.

As for the rest, it's ludicrous to have a plan when you're simply going have a coffee with a guy you like the look of but barely know.

Overthinking is going to make you look over eager and, as advised by autumn, you should take your cue from him.

In common with springy, I'm finding it hard to overlook the presumably suspense-filled dots - if he'd proposed it might be a different matter but, as it is, they've only served to make you appear to be a besotted teenager who's going to put him off by being too keen and too grateful that he's deigned to meet you for 10 minutes.

It's meant to be a 'meeting of minds', dear, rather than a final throw before closing time in the last chance saloon. Think 'adult' and conduct yourself accordingly.

Crikey Izzy, that's a bit harsh. When I overthink I tend to keep it to myself and usually end up distancing myself from people so that they don't notice. So I don't think your comments are that helpful for my situation. You seem to picture me as a type of person I am not.

TBH, I'm a bit surprised at everyone's advice to wait for him to take initiative. It's not like I'll jump on him the second I see him, plan our wedding, name our babies etc. I haven't even replied to him yet.

Also, he is very good looking, and I noticed that he is very popular and generally a people person. Usually I get tired of people like this very quickly, so I'll make sure I don't get taken in by his niceness as that is probably how he is with everyone.

But still. I don't usually meet up with people who seem boring/full of themselves/creepy, so I take it as a good sign that he said yes. Worst case scenario, I've found another acquaintance/friend, which is good too.

but you were asking for a plan, how to take it to the dating stage..that's where people mean that you shouldn't intiate as you already made the first step (with the coffee). All I'm saying is let him suggest anything else, if the coffee goes well obviously. Isn't that what you were asking?

I certainly didn't intend to be harsh - I was merely trying to point out that exercising decorum at this early stage of the game is the way to go, particularly as you are employed by the same organisation.

If you re-read your post you'll see you've said when I have a crush on someone it tends to run away with me. I can have whole relationships in my head after only talking to a guy once, or not even talking to him at all

This would seem to be at variance with your assertion that It's not like I'll jump on him the second I see him, plan our wedding, name our babies etc Given your imagination (above), presumaby all that remains now is for you to tie him up and drag him to the altar

You're a bit surprised at everyone's advice to wait for him to take initiative. Why are you surprised that you're being urged to take your cue from him? Again, it seems that you may have a tendency to throw caution to the wind which can sometimes be appropriate after a full-on heavy date, but would be singularly out of place over a cup of Nescafe.

It's a tad worrying you've asked Should I put a kiss at the end of the message? when the message you are proposing to send is the first one he will have received from you.

In any event, if you're sending messages to potential 'lurve interests' using company equipment in company time, IMO the written or unwritten laws of inter-office mail dictate that you refrain from expressing affection in any shape or form when communicating with colleagues, of course, you work in the effusive world of PR or suchlike.

Well done OP and good luck for your coffee with him, I hope all goes well :o

Ok, I will concentrate on showing proper decorum.

There's a difference between what I think and to what extent I act on it. So while I might be thinking that it would be nice to do this or that, it's highly unlikely that I'd ever actually bring it up.

I shall watch his clues and see what he wants to happen next, if anything. I'm not some antisocial bulldozer. I was just surprised at the slightly 1950s attitude of 'let him chase you'.

We don't work in a shiny big office full of important people in expensive suits. It's all rather more relaxed and very friendly. Sending emails during work time is not frowned upon, for some people it's the only time during the week they do email. Nevertheless, people are extremely busy.

May I suggest you relax a bit? Just agree a time to meet; have a little anxiety about what to wear; get there and just be yourself. Anything else will not work for either of you...

Oh I know, thanks. I am determined to be myself and nothing else so that I can feel comfortable. That's why I don't get all of this 'let him ask you out' stuff because I don't do scheming.
Will take many chill pills before meeting him, which is ages away so by then I'll probably be so bored of thinking about him that I'll treat him like a friend anyway.

Sounds good

Sooo, we met for coffee and it was quite nice. But now I'm not sure how to read him.

We talked about some personal stuff, but kept it quite superficial. Only thing is, he talked about 2 exes quite a bit. Nothing ringing alarm bells, one even invited him to her wedding, but because my ex-situation is complicated I didn't volunteer any info apart from the fact I'm separated, and he didn't ask any questions about my situation. He mentioned my daughter in quite a lovely way, so he obviously knows.
He started wrapping things up after about 45 mins, and at various points during our conversation, and right at the end, was quite insistent I should go to a regular event which he and 2 of our joint friends attend every other week, as well as another work-related thing which he regularly goes to. But did he insist quite so much because he's generally nice, or to make it clear he would see me there but not outside of these events so it would be pointless suggesting coffee again? (He also made clear that he'll be very busy in the next few weeks.) He did say he was glad I suggested coffee, and similar polite phrases.
Any views? I'd quite like to meet him again, but am aware people have suggested before to wait for him to take the next step. So what if his 'next step' is bringing up these other events? Good sign or distancing tactic?

You've handled it brilliantly so far. You are aware of your tendency to get too far ahead, so you can guard against that.

My best suggestion is to look in the mirror and your mind, to enumerate your positive qualities. YOU HAVE THEM!

The confidence you can build to feel positive about yourself is the thing which he will pick up on, as long as it is genuine, and it will rub off. People believe in people who believe in themselves. That is why some women are so good at this, regardless of their looks, mostly.

Aww thank you, that is so lovely!

I am getting there. Had a horrible split with DD's dad, but a lot of counselling later I now know a lot more about myself, and I'm actually happy with my life as it is right now. Sometimes I have down days and think that no one will ever be interested in me as I'm so boring and my life is slightly complicated. But then I think I'm not really that boring, I just have to be more talkative so that people realise this.

When we had coffee I didn't talk that much and he didn't ask many questions about me/my life, so I've come away thinking that he doesn't know me any better than he did before we met, whereas the picture I have of him is slightly more fully formed.

How old are you?

I am 51 and twice divorced, but now married 20 years.

Everyone loses their confidence after a long relationship. It isnt you. You are interesting, why shouldnt you be? I had a child at 19 (silly me) and another at 27, and was single again at 29. Both times of course I thought that nobody would be interested in me, and a single parent etc etc, but that is hardly ever true!

Sounds like he wants you to go to the event mentioned to see you again.

He wants to see you again, not because he's a nice man who has taken pity on you.

He simply wants to see you again. Men usually are not that complicated in my experience.

You're going, right??????

Sounds to me like he wants to see you again but is a bit shy/unsure about asking you out. You must go!

Sounds to me like he is saying go to the event and I'll see ya there. Rather than wanting to go on a date with you. Hope that's not too blunt. Keep things light and smile.

I'm 28. (He's 34.)

I'd quite like to go to the events he mentioned, but some of them I'm not too sure about as they require a lot of creativity, which I don't have, and it might be embarrassing to take part in the activities because of that.

He doesn't seem shy - lots of friends and acquaintances, lots to say, lots of experience, generally lovely.

Should I see this as me being friend-zoned or a very non-specific expression of him liking me? I'll wait a few days to see if he sends a message or something.