Is it too big of an ask to expect my husband not to swear at me?

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I love my husband, I really do, but sometimes the way he speaks to me is just awful. When we first got together he seemed happy and friendly and lovely, but now he just seems to be getting grumpier and grumpier.

Today we went to visit his sister in hospital who has just had a baby. We were waiting to go in as she already had visitors and our 4 year old nephew came to talk to us. My husband asked if he'd been to school today and nephew said no. Husband was sure he had and kept asking him about it - 'what did you do at school today?' 'What time did you finish school today?' I told him not to wind him up as he didn't know for sure he had been to school. Nephew went away and came back and husband started asking him again.

I've had a problem with the way my husband treats his nephew for about a year. He can't seem to keep from picking stupid little arguments with him. I remember the first time he met my niece soon after we got together she was 5 and he was so lovely and smiley with her. He never seems to smile at his nephew. I insisted we take him out for the day a few months ago and he left me with nephew in the children's room of the museum for an hour, then when we took him back to ours he fell asleep and left me to entertain him all afternoon.

We took him out again a few weeks ago and my mum came too as we also took a young relative of mine. My mum commented that my husband didn't really get involved with the children and I stuck up for him but agreed. I worry that he'll be like that if we have children.

Anyway, I was telling him not to wind nephew up, so he said I was winding him up. I thought he was joking as we sometimes do have jokey arguments. I then said maybe nephew was confused as his grandad had said he was picked up from school after lunch, so that probably got him muddled. Then husband said really nastily either "Oh just shut the fuck up will you?" or "Oh just fuck off will you?" I was so shocked that I have forgotten which phrase it was, but it was definitely one or the other. If it wouldn't have caused a scene with his family I would have got up and left but I stayed and pretended all was fine.

It's not the first time he's sworn at me. He never used to but over the past year or so it's happened the odd time, and I really want it to stop as I don't think it's acceptable to swear at a partner. He has called me a bitch before. I demanded an apology last time he said that but I don't think I ever got one.

When we got home I thought I wouldn't be stroppy about it, I'd just calmly ask him not to swear at me again. I said I was going to bed, he hugged me and I said "Don't swear at me again okay?" He immediately pulled away from me and I could tell he was pissed off so I just said I didn't think we should swear at each other. He said "Well" and I knew he was about to tell me I shouldn't annoy him as then he wouldn't have to swear so I interrupted him and said "Well nothing, it's not acceptable for us to swear at each other. If you can't accept that then you can leave but I'm not going to put up with being sworn at anymore. I'm going to bed now, goodnight. I love you."

I went up but came down to get my phone charger soon after. I went to his chair and put my arms out for a hug (because I'm weak and can't ever stay cross for long) and he said "No, I don't like being told what to do." I said I was only telling him not to do that because he wouldn't do it to anyone else, like his customers, so he shouldn't do it to me. He said customers don't nag him so I reminded him that they do complain a lot but he still wouldn't swear at them so he shouldn't swear at me. I honestly said all this calmly and not sulkily, but now with him refusing to hug me I think he feels like the power is back in his court.

I'm just so sick of being taken for granted, but should I accept that sometimes partners do swear at each other ?

Mary,you know that he's not very nice.Someone more experienced than me will be along soon to give you advice.Can I just say that no one deserves to be sworn at like that.Do not have children with this man please. Mx.

I would be very hurt and angry if any of my friends said that to me, let alone a partner and personally I wouldn't accept it.

Perhaps you should discuss it at time when both of you are calm and explain to him that you find it totally unacceptable.

People do swear at each other sometimes, I think you overreacted, he sounds like a real pain the way he was going on at his nephew.

My DH has sometimes sworn at me too, though only when angry and in the past I've tried to bring it up but am shit at confrontation but finally in the last year had the balls to stick up for myself and tell him how hurt it made me (he's even called me a fucking cunt in the heat of an argument which obviously really really shocked and upset me) but he apologised and hugged me and since then has done it once more but realised what he'd said and said sorry before I had to say anything. I think there's been one more occasion when he's nearly said something similar but has stopped himself.

Pointing out to him (like you did) that he would never use that language on anyone else, let alone the person he claims is his absolute priority and love of his life, I think hit home.

I'm not sure what to suggest, his sulking is ridiculous and puerile - and I think you handled it really well. But wanted you to know you're not alone.

He sounds like a bully to be honest. Why does he pick on his nephew in that way? It's wrong to keep 'teasing' a child and then getting cross when you ask him not to. Your partner seems to be able to dish out his 'jokes' better than he can accept any criticism in return.

Swearing at you shows a lack of respect, especially if you have asked him not to. Don't think about having children with him as at best he doesn't sound like he's ready to be a parent and at worst he's abusive towards you depending on how you choose to see his behaviour.

I think you will get loads of posters saying that lots of partners swear at each other when they are angry, and you are being oversensitive, etc.

However, I think it depends on where your own boundaries lie. I would not accept DH swearing at me and I don't swear at him. I believe it is disrespectful, counter productive and unnecessary. So it's a matter of what you personally are prepared to accept

I demanded an apology last time he said that but I don't think I ever got one. This is a bit of a concern because he's not taking you seriously.

I would also advise against having children with him because he does not seem mature enough yet to raise them properly.

He picked on your nephew
He swore at you in a particularly nasty bullying way...
He's not sorry
He didn't like you telling him not to do it again
He's now sulking like a complete tosser

he's a gem isn't he

he sounds really immature!!

why does he enjoy winding up a four year old? that would put me right off him TBH.

He sounds thoroughly horrible. The thing is with swearing, in itself, is that some people swear more than others and some people don't mind it. Though nice people make an effort to keep it down when around people who do object (up to a point, anyone who gets huffy and sulky if you say 'shit' because you just stubbed your toe is being overly precious). But this man repeatedly torments and teases a 4-year-old and then swears at you when you ask him not to.
He's a bully and a loser.

Please get out while you can. I'm not seeing red flags so much as red bunting. He knows he is in the wrong but is in a bad mood as he is trying to change reality to put you in the wrong.

He is hardly the catch of the century is he?

I agree with fairenuff. If you have made it clear you dont like it, and if it was not a part of your relationsihp to start with, then you have every right to b angry and insist this stops. He sounds, as others have said, very childish for sulking and winding up a child like that. Annoying. Would he do that to your kids? Swear at your kids?
DH and I are friends with a few couples who are very sweary with each other, albeit in a mostly jokey way which is fine - but DH knows that I dot like it, and in the nine years we have been together he has never, ever sworn AT me, as in, told me to fuck off, called me a name, nothing, and I never have to him - I've never even called him an idiot. I'd faint with shock if he ever said what your husband said to me. It's just about respecting what you consider respectful behaviour, and surely shouldnt be that hard to not swear at the person you love.

Please reassess your relationship. He may well sulk for a short while as you've pulled him up on his bad behaviour, but if he doesn't learn from it and become a better person he will in fact get worse.
My DH of over ten years cannot deal with emotions, if I get upset he withdraws and even gets dismissive and sometimes nasty. Sniping 'fucking shut up for gods sake' when you're upset with him and crying is where you could be in a few years and believe me it further shatters your sense of self worth.
Is this really what you want the rest of your life to be like. Try relate to try and reestablish some boundaries, only time will tell how it's worked in our case.

Oh love, I've been there. It will get worse, sorry. Your love won't convince him to treat you with more respect, because he doesn't want to.

The signs are all there, btw:

• treats a child poorly
• lack of empathy
• swears at you
• ignores your feelings
• gets angry when you state your boundaries, because you shouldn't have any as far as he is concerned.
• chooses to swear at you in a way he never would with friends or colleagues, because he doesn't believe that you deserve respect - you're his woman, and you're supposed to take it

And meanwhile, you make allowances and act sweet and give him hugs, which makes you the perfect partner for a controlling and nasty bully: a giver where he is a taker.

Every time you accept to be sworn at, pushed into doing something you don't want, etc, with no real consequences and no change from him, the standards of behaviour in your relationship shift towards ever-poorer treatment of you by him. Soon you'll be apologising to him for his actions, because "you made him do it".

You are worried that he will treat any children you have with him the way he treats other people's children. He will treat them worse: he is a bully, and since his own children will be captive and dependent on him for affection in an even bigger way than you are, he will take advantage of that to shore up his own ego and use them to the max (neglect, put downs, building them up to tear them down, etc). Do not have children with this man, please. They do not deserve to be fucked up by a father like him.

I don't know if bully is quite the right term for him. His nephew can be quite naughty, and he gets irritated by his behaviour. He doesn't have much experience of small children. I used to never say anything to him in front of his family but the last couple of times we've been at his mum's and nephew has been there I've found myself saying 'don't talk to him like that!' Dont think nephew feels bullied by him - he alternates between wanting to hug him and trying to beat him up! But I worry that nephew will look back on his childhood and just remember his uncle as a grumpy bloke who was always telling him not to do things. I don't have a problem with husband stopping certain behaviours of his nephew, as I know SIL doesn't mind, but he is rarely happy and jolly and loving to go along with it.

All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and mother. While other children wanted to become doctors etc I just wanted to have my own children. I'm fast approaching thirty and worry that if we do end up divorcing then I won't have time to find someone else and have children with him.

I'm also a Christian, and while I'm not against divorce, I think I would feel a failure if I got a divorce. Noone else in my family is divorced, so I don't want to be the family gossip. Plus I never talk about my relationship to family or friends, so they don't know what he can be like.

He slept downstairs last night, but he did talk to me this morning, and gave me a peck on the lips as he left for work. I think he thinks it's all over with and I've backed down, but I'm going to talk to him about it again.

We also have the added issue of never having sex. The last time was about May, but a few years ago we went for over a year without it. That's all his choice - he says he doesn't like sex. I wouldn't mind too much if he was still quite affectionate but he doesn't like hugs too much as he says they make him too hot. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a brother.

And not a very nice brother at that!

If he's this bad now he will be 100 times worse if you have children together. The sex and the hugs will disappear altogether and the bullying will no doubt escalate as he'll believe you're trapped with him. If you're against divorce now it will be much harder with the added guilt of taking the children away from their father.

Please don't have children with this man. You're still in your 20s - you've got plenty of time to meet a decent man who will be a decent father. A fear of time passing is the worst reason in the world to allow this man to become a parent to your children.

So let's get this straight. He swears at you, is horrible to a small child, you never have sex, he sulks to manipulate you into saying sorry and backing down from a confrontation about his bad behaviour and you are thinking about having a child with this manchild?

Good luck Mary you are sure going to need it.

Stop me if you knew this already but, er, you're not terribly likely to have babies if you don't have sex. Although I'm with the posters who say you're better off not having them with a man who doesn't like small children anyway. I suppose there's a slim chance that he will feel differently about his own, but is that chance really worth taking?

OK, so you're a Christian, you made that promise in church, been there, done that. My argument was that we made promises to each other in the sight of God, and he broke his side of it, therefore it's null and void. If Business A doesn't deliver the goods, no court in the land would force Business B to pay up as though they had. And if a person doesn't love, cherish, honour with his body etc (and I think there is a bit in the service about procreation too), he is not carrying out his obligations as a marriage partner. You can keep trying to hold up your end of the bargain for ever, but it won't make it into a proper marriage.

I don't know if bully is quite the right term for him.
It is. Seriously - read your own descriptions of his behaviour.

All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and mother.
And, sadly, that is likely to cloud your judgement and allow you to accept the unacceptable.

You're probably not ready to hear this though; your last post shows that. And I understand you; I do. At 30 I became pregnant with a man who could be your husband's behavioural twin. I did this after posting on MN and getting much the same responses you are getting now: my desire to keep trying for the life I wanted, rather than to open my eyes to the life I had, won out. Because I wanted a child more than anything and had hit 30.

It wasn't worth it. I cannot stress just how frighteningly, gorily, and heart-breakingly not worth it that choice of mine was.

But we all have to follow our own path. So best of luck, Mary. I won't judge you. But I and plenty of others here do want to help you, whenever you feel you're ready to ask for help.

oh OP!!!

this has made me so sad.

you dont have to settle for him for a chance to have children. please dont feel you have to.

30 is still young to have children. you owe it to yourself to find someone that wants to be with you for who you are.

this man clearly doesn't want a husband wife relationship. he doesn't hug you, he has stopped having sex with you, he doesn't speak to you well, he ignores your requests to be respectful, he huffs when you remind him of your boundaries. this is not normal and not acceptable.

please think about your future and any children ou would be bringing into this life. they would be treated exactly the same way he treats you. is taht what you want for your dc?

If it wouldn't have caused a scene with his family I would have got up and left but I stayed and pretended all was fine.

I think that was the mistake, I'd have caused the scene and if anyone had questioned why there was a scene I would have said exactly why. It would not have been me who felt embarrassed.

Obv I don't know his family and you do but unless they are a really crap lot I'd not expect them to automatically take his side.

I'm fast approaching thirty and worry that if we do end up divorcing then I won't have time to find someone else

[Apocalypto laughs hysterically] If you're not even 30 yet then you're just a baby yourself sweetheart.

In 15 years' time you could maybe worry.

This is such a sad thread.

Of course you have time to find someone who will be kind and loving. Do you really want this man to be the father of your children? After seeing his attitude to your nephew?

And he does not seem to want children. If you are not having sex for up to a year at a time then getting pregnant is not going to be a walk in the park.

Honestly. Tell me what he does that makes you love him.