Is it too big of an ask to expect my husband not to swear at me?

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I love my husband, I really do, but sometimes the way he speaks to me is just awful. When we first got together he seemed happy and friendly and lovely, but now he just seems to be getting grumpier and grumpier.

Today we went to visit his sister in hospital who has just had a baby. We were waiting to go in as she already had visitors and our 4 year old nephew came to talk to us. My husband asked if he'd been to school today and nephew said no. Husband was sure he had and kept asking him about it - 'what did you do at school today?' 'What time did you finish school today?' I told him not to wind him up as he didn't know for sure he had been to school. Nephew went away and came back and husband started asking him again.

I've had a problem with the way my husband treats his nephew for about a year. He can't seem to keep from picking stupid little arguments with him. I remember the first time he met my niece soon after we got together she was 5 and he was so lovely and smiley with her. He never seems to smile at his nephew. I insisted we take him out for the day a few months ago and he left me with nephew in the children's room of the museum for an hour, then when we took him back to ours he fell asleep and left me to entertain him all afternoon.

We took him out again a few weeks ago and my mum came too as we also took a young relative of mine. My mum commented that my husband didn't really get involved with the children and I stuck up for him but agreed. I worry that he'll be like that if we have children.

Anyway, I was telling him not to wind nephew up, so he said I was winding him up. I thought he was joking as we sometimes do have jokey arguments. I then said maybe nephew was confused as his grandad had said he was picked up from school after lunch, so that probably got him muddled. Then husband said really nastily either "Oh just shut the fuck up will you?" or "Oh just fuck off will you?" I was so shocked that I have forgotten which phrase it was, but it was definitely one or the other. If it wouldn't have caused a scene with his family I would have got up and left but I stayed and pretended all was fine.

It's not the first time he's sworn at me. He never used to but over the past year or so it's happened the odd time, and I really want it to stop as I don't think it's acceptable to swear at a partner. He has called me a bitch before. I demanded an apology last time he said that but I don't think I ever got one.

When we got home I thought I wouldn't be stroppy about it, I'd just calmly ask him not to swear at me again. I said I was going to bed, he hugged me and I said "Don't swear at me again okay?" He immediately pulled away from me and I could tell he was pissed off so I just said I didn't think we should swear at each other. He said "Well" and I knew he was about to tell me I shouldn't annoy him as then he wouldn't have to swear so I interrupted him and said "Well nothing, it's not acceptable for us to swear at each other. If you can't accept that then you can leave but I'm not going to put up with being sworn at anymore. I'm going to bed now, goodnight. I love you."

I went up but came down to get my phone charger soon after. I went to his chair and put my arms out for a hug (because I'm weak and can't ever stay cross for long) and he said "No, I don't like being told what to do." I said I was only telling him not to do that because he wouldn't do it to anyone else, like his customers, so he shouldn't do it to me. He said customers don't nag him so I reminded him that they do complain a lot but he still wouldn't swear at them so he shouldn't swear at me. I honestly said all this calmly and not sulkily, but now with him refusing to hug me I think he feels like the power is back in his court.

I'm just so sick of being taken for granted, but should I accept that sometimes partners do swear at each other ?

If others ask him for a favour? What about you?

Him being non-moaning when your mum visits is a basic expectation, why would he moan? It's no big thing, that should be a given.

The house is partly his responsibility. Also the cooking. This is not the 1950s. If you work, household chores should not fall to you alone.

Your good points are pretty weak, you know.

Your partner should be a safe haven and place where you go for comfort and reassurance. If he gives you that then that's great.

Sadly, I don't see it happening here...

Every day you waste on this loser is another day you could be finding a REAL relationship. With a man who is dying to have children, doesn't bully 4 year olds, and actually bloody WANTS to kiss you.

Not having sex with you is Christian grounds for divorce btw. So is this sort of abuse.

When you are 60 you will look back and be so bloody angry at this fuckwit for stealing years of your life.

A man who doesn't want to hug you because it's too 'hot'- doesn't sound sweet and loving to me

He's being nice because he knows he pushed it to far so now he's reeling you back in... its really that simple. Put it this way its not because he's suddenly seen the light.

Mary: your posts are ringing loud alarm bells with me - I think you need to consider an evaluation of your relationship & how it meets your needs now - and for the future.

Have you had a conversation about having a family with your DH? Are you both in agreement about this, timescales etc? I don't get anything from your posts that would seem to indicate he's keen on having children. If this is potentially a dealbreaker for you, better find out now when you have the opportunity to get out & meet someone else. 30 is still young, but if you delay decision-making & avoid confronting the for another few years then time won't be on your side so much.

And the lack of sex is worrying - along with the absence of affection - it's not a good sign in a relationship & speaks volumes in itself.

But most concerning is the general lack of respect from him - that is a major red flag in a relationship, it's never a good sign & my experience of that in other's relationships is a poor prognostic factor.

Sometimes we want to be the "nice" person (ie not the one who finishes marriages) or feel like we're letting others down. And so we stay in unhappy situations to meet others' needs rather than our own.However if you are unhappy you must take responsibility for that.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh - but life is not a dress rehearsal.

I get the impression (correct me if I'm wrong) that perhaps you met your DH young & have limited relationship experience? Sorry if I'm off the mark there.

The fact that you've come looking for advice is a good sign, that you're open to different perspectives & perhaps ready to confront issues. You'll get some good points of view here.

I know that as a Christian you do not want to consider divorce unless there is no other way but as of now you don't have a marriage -not in the eyes of god. You went into it with an open heart and mind but he went into it with differ t motives. He wants a housekeeper, cook and ego-stroked and woe betide if you go around having these irritating things like feelings, needs and hopes for the future. In his eyes the marriage is over in that it didnt exist but he looks to be loosing his best domestic appliance.
Life is too short and precious to waste in pouring your mental energy into this void. Please take some time to think about yourself and your loved ones and talk to your vicar. I really wish you good luck.

Of course he'll be nice and funny sometimes but it still isn't good enough. You're only 30 weigh it up. You will meet someone who repects you out there. these men only get worse over time I think you know all this already. I hope you're not upset. Be kind to yourself don't struggle with big decisions for a day or two but you have the power to walk away and you will come out stronger and better.

we swear at each other often but never in anger. We joke alot and have a similar sense of humour but I wouldnt tell him to fuck off if I meant it. IYKWIM he might decide to just do that!

That said, he has never swore at me in anger either.

Im not particularly bothered about been sworn out but I hate been put in the position where I cant say anything back.

Not an issue with DP but XP often used to give me a right mouthful as we where walking up to his mothers and then say "right shut up" as we walked through the door leaving me furious the full time we where there whilst he acted like nothing was wrong!

He doesn't sound like a lifetime companion and lover, to see you through the happy times and tough times, at all.

I split with my first husband when I was 29. Got together with DH at 30, married at 33 and now at 37 we have two children.

You're still way, way young enough to start afresh with a good person who you deserve, and who deserves you. This is the rest of your life we're talking about.

Mary in your original post you wrote " It's not the first time he's sworn at me. He never used to but over the past year or so it's happened the odd time "

When you spoke to him about the swearing he said he could not promise not to do it because he might not be able to keep his promise .

He is asking you to agree that he can swear at you if he feels he wants to even though you have expressly said you don?t like it and it is threatening your relationship.

This is a critical turning point imo. It has escalated from not swearing at all, to occasional swearing, to getting you to agree to accept him swearing at you.

He has not yet accepted responsibility or apologised for any of it. He is waiting to see what you do next. If you leave it, or accept it, in his mind he has your permission to swear at you. Next time when you complain he will say, well I told I couldn?t promise.

If it were me, I would vote with my feet. There is nothing tying you to this man. If you have children with him it will be harder to leave. He will use the children to control you. Would you accept him swearing at your child? Your mother? Why do you accept him swearing at you?

Beware other ?little things? creeping into your relationship too. Take some time to think about everything that?s been said and really watch his behavior for signs.

I don?t think it?s worth continuing in this relationship personally but if you want to try how about going to relate to address this specific issue if you can?t agree on it between yourselves. I bet he wouldn?t spout that nonsense in front of a counselor.

I bet he wouldn't agree to go to a counsellor at all.

I also think that your agreeing to stop nagging him will be reeled out if you ever question his behaviour "see, you're nagging again" and as an excuse to never have to take responsibility for anything his does - because it will always be your fault.

Did he have girlfriends before you? Is he a practising Christian?

It's just that the lack of sex, hugs, kisses etc just make me wonder if he might be gay? He might be trying hard not to be and taking that out on you.

I'm not trying to give him an excuse - the man sounds like a total jerk - just wonder if there is something else going on here?

seabright my first thought was is he gay?

How long have you been together OP ?

Also you may be a christian ,but your DH clearly isnt is he ?

The only time my DP ever swears at me - or I him - is during situations where it's clear that the swearing is NOT meant nastily.

EG - if we're in Debenhams, going up the escalator and I say "Haha! Remember when you tried to go up the down escalator and fell flat on your face and all the perfume and makeup ladies saw you and were trying not to piss themselves laughing? Hahahaha......" and he tries to look affronted and ends up laughing himself and says "Fuck off" and then laughs some more.

He has never sworn at me in anger or genuine pissed-off-ness.

I have been with this guy who at the beginning told me a pack of lies which I was unaware of. He said he had come from a rich family, owned the apartment in london and property abroad, had a great job and really tried to assure me of how capable he was of taking care of me even offering to cook/ buy meals out and giving a lot as he knew I was a struggling single mum with very little in support or financially. I never once asked for financial help from him but he offered and made it seem he could not only take care of me but also my kids. We spent evening drinking wines, laughing and having a great time.

Things were going well the only down fall was his angry bursts each morning never at me but at life. As time went on these anger bursts changed focus. He became angry if my kids had made a mess in the morning or the service at the coffee shop and eventually it turned on me.

Each morning everything about me was targeted, my face, house work, what I said , what I did, everything imaginable.

Im at the stage where I've had enough and have felt this way for a long time. But he refuses to leave saying I owe him for what he has spent on me, if I try leave the house he says he will burn it down, and if I don't go will keep shouting about what a bitch he thinks I am repeatedly saying the things he thinks I do wrong and that I'm mental.

I thought with a chance things would change but the lies, anger and total disrespect never changed. He now asked me to even though I may know just say yes when he tells me something and don't show him I don't trust him. I said I will not say okey and be quiet if I feel I am being lied to. And there is a hell of a lot of lies.

The latest major problem which to me is so little. We were in bed and he pushed his leg into my side I moved to edge of bed where he persisted to push his knee furthur to my back, then also pushed his arm over mine leaving no room, I was at end of bed and very tired, I asked him to moved his arm so he bent it over my pillow leaving no space for my head. After again having to repeatedly asked him to move his arm he stored off to sleep on sofa. The next day he made lots of noises of pleasure in the bathroom as if doing something , why would I need to hear with window open. Then acted normal all day. That evening he said if I said sorry and apologised as i was wrong the night before then we can be okey. I said I was waiting for an apology from him for his behaviour and the swearing he did that night. There was no way I was going to apologise and be responsible for having done nothing but want my space in bed. Today he shouted to fuck off after pointing out his behaviour. Ive left him to it prob cheating again but I don't care nomore. Just want to be alone and he wont go.

ZOMBIE thread.

miserable9, you need to involve the police - ask to speak to a domestic abuse officer. Good luck. And ring Women's Aid for support.

miserable you need to start your own thread where it says 'Add new thread' above. Please do as your situation sounds serious.

He was trying to trip up a four year old? Who the hell does that? That's the most concerning bullying trait of all. What a horrible horrible man.

And when you tried to stop him trying to trip a small child up he told you to fuck off?

And he doesn't like sex??

Something deeply wrong with him. I'm sorry op but there really is. Picking on a four year old is abnormal to say the least. How is he round small animals?

Thanks I'm new

Hi again, miserable9. Do you feel able to start your own thread in Relationships? Like Heyx says, go up the page and click on Add New Thread.

You can copy and paste your post.

Ok, I see you just did. I hope you get good advice - see you over there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3024487-Relationship-is-dead-to-me

May I ask, I know it's 6 years later but are you still with this man?

I read some posts, and really wonder HOW such men get women to be with them.

OP can you leave his nephew alone please? It's not a treat for him to be taken out with you alongside a man who can't stand him. So stop angling for him to be in his presence. You're even blame shifting now, switching to implying your nephew is naughty...! As if that justifies even an iota of your DHs ill-mannered behaviour.

I can't think why nephew's parents haven't told him to get lost as yet. I wouldn't let a relative like that anywhere near my DCs. You don't mention his parents much

Fast approaching 30? I hadn't even had my DCs yet at that age! You need to be brutally honest with yourself - at solo counselling if need be - as to the full reasons why you are so desperate for a relationship that this pig of a man is what you accept as your life

He doesn't even like you. Hence the swearing. Awful behaviour. You'd feel a failure if you divorced him? If you want this man at all costs then it's a case of accepting what he's like, and seeing if you can work with that.

Don't imagine that if you choose to stay he will never leave you, either. Arrogant bullying men like him have form. & he doesn't even want children with you anyway, that's quite obvious.

It's a real shame you don't seem to realise you can and will do better, but not if you waste your good years with this type of man