Is it too big of an ask to expect my husband not to swear at me?

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I love my husband, I really do, but sometimes the way he speaks to me is just awful. When we first got together he seemed happy and friendly and lovely, but now he just seems to be getting grumpier and grumpier.

Today we went to visit his sister in hospital who has just had a baby. We were waiting to go in as she already had visitors and our 4 year old nephew came to talk to us. My husband asked if he'd been to school today and nephew said no. Husband was sure he had and kept asking him about it - 'what did you do at school today?' 'What time did you finish school today?' I told him not to wind him up as he didn't know for sure he had been to school. Nephew went away and came back and husband started asking him again.

I've had a problem with the way my husband treats his nephew for about a year. He can't seem to keep from picking stupid little arguments with him. I remember the first time he met my niece soon after we got together she was 5 and he was so lovely and smiley with her. He never seems to smile at his nephew. I insisted we take him out for the day a few months ago and he left me with nephew in the children's room of the museum for an hour, then when we took him back to ours he fell asleep and left me to entertain him all afternoon.

We took him out again a few weeks ago and my mum came too as we also took a young relative of mine. My mum commented that my husband didn't really get involved with the children and I stuck up for him but agreed. I worry that he'll be like that if we have children.

Anyway, I was telling him not to wind nephew up, so he said I was winding him up. I thought he was joking as we sometimes do have jokey arguments. I then said maybe nephew was confused as his grandad had said he was picked up from school after lunch, so that probably got him muddled. Then husband said really nastily either "Oh just shut the fuck up will you?" or "Oh just fuck off will you?" I was so shocked that I have forgotten which phrase it was, but it was definitely one or the other. If it wouldn't have caused a scene with his family I would have got up and left but I stayed and pretended all was fine.

It's not the first time he's sworn at me. He never used to but over the past year or so it's happened the odd time, and I really want it to stop as I don't think it's acceptable to swear at a partner. He has called me a bitch before. I demanded an apology last time he said that but I don't think I ever got one.

When we got home I thought I wouldn't be stroppy about it, I'd just calmly ask him not to swear at me again. I said I was going to bed, he hugged me and I said "Don't swear at me again okay?" He immediately pulled away from me and I could tell he was pissed off so I just said I didn't think we should swear at each other. He said "Well" and I knew he was about to tell me I shouldn't annoy him as then he wouldn't have to swear so I interrupted him and said "Well nothing, it's not acceptable for us to swear at each other. If you can't accept that then you can leave but I'm not going to put up with being sworn at anymore. I'm going to bed now, goodnight. I love you."

I went up but came down to get my phone charger soon after. I went to his chair and put my arms out for a hug (because I'm weak and can't ever stay cross for long) and he said "No, I don't like being told what to do." I said I was only telling him not to do that because he wouldn't do it to anyone else, like his customers, so he shouldn't do it to me. He said customers don't nag him so I reminded him that they do complain a lot but he still wouldn't swear at them so he shouldn't swear at me. I honestly said all this calmly and not sulkily, but now with him refusing to hug me I think he feels like the power is back in his court.

I'm just so sick of being taken for granted, but should I accept that sometimes partners do swear at each other ?

aw mary, he sounds so mean.

i get what you mean about winding the children up, my fil does that all the time to my dd, its as if its the only way he can interact with her, he even snacthes her toys off her and snaps "mine"

i don't think having a family with this man wouuld be great foryou, you need someone to be involved and to help bring them up.
you will have plenty of time ot meet someone else.

if not you need to try a serious scare tactic, leave him for a temp seperation so he knows how serious you are, and see if he can or will change.

alos if he does that to you again, dont worry about causing a scene, show him up, by saying in front of others, what did you just say? dont toy speak to me like that etc

good luck

You know, I was rude once or twice to my husband (then boyfriend). I think I called him an arse and a fool in anger. And he told me straight - I do not call you rude names even in anger, treat me with respect or we are not going to be together. I chose to control my temper and find a more respectful way of expressing myself. It's not that hard.

So no, it is not too big of an ask to not want your husband to swear at you.

So he is already doing something you find upsetting and disrespectful and when you try to address it with him in a calm and loving manner he is not only unable to do the same, but is putting the blame onto you? I.e he says your 'nagging' made him do it.

Bollocks. We are all responsible for our own actions.

You find being sworn at upsetting and disrespectful and have said it is a boundary..that is not trying to control him (see how he switches it back onto YOUR behaviour there with that statment?) it is making clear what you find loving and acceptable and what you don't. This might not seem like a dealbreaker to you but it sends out a fundemental message about how this man views you and the relationship. Really come on, how hard is it to not swear at someone you claim to love when they find it upsetting?

And please do not think any man is better to than none and you might as well stick with what you know to have children and so on. How do you think he is going to be around a small child that is always there and you know cries a lot and has tantrums and so on? You think he is going to magically be different because it is his OWN child?

can you speak to someone at your church?

I am sure your church would expect your husband to love and respect you and have sex with you cherish your body and all that.

you wont get many babies without sex but in any case you really dont want to have kids with a man like this.

He is a bully and i would advise you to get out now before it gets worse. He is being an ass to his nephew for no reason - prob justs gets a kick out of it. My DH started like yours and beleive me bullies like this only get worse. They are especially bad because they never apologise - they don't think they are wrong. It will always be your fault, or a little childs or a staff member in a shop etc etc that is responsible for their behaviour.
No one deserves to be sworn at - i am guessing you don't have kids so really consider your options now while you can.

You are looking for a life partner to raise children with. You want to share your experiences within a loving sexual relationship. Because you have not found that partner yet, you have decided to settle for what you've got. This is a big mistake.

This man will not support you emotionally or do his share of childcare. He will not care for you when your pregnancy makes you tired or sick. He will not desire and romance you. He will not be a good role model for a child.

He will be jealous of a baby taking up your time. He will complain and sulk and blame.

When you have a child you are actually raising an adult. This man is not adult enough himself to do this for another person. It takes a lifetime of sacrifice to put the childs needs before your own all the time.

If all you ever wanted was to be a mother then do the right thing and do not burden a child with him as a father. Put the child's needs first. You are worth more than this.

I've just tried to talk to him about things. I probably didn't choose the best time as we'd just got in from work but he seemed in a cheerful mood and I thought he might be open to apologise. I asked for an apology and he said no because it was the best thing to say at the time, it expressed his emotions clearly etc. I explained that I found it very hurtful and disrespectful and we kind of went in circles for a bit until he said, 'what do you want me to say? It's happened now.' So I said I would like him to promise to try not to swear at me in the future. He said he couldn't because he 'might need to.' I said there was never any need to swear at someone who had explained they don't like it.

Again I brought up the customers that he would never swear at and he said 'but they wouldn't nag me.' I said no, but I'm sure some would rant and rave and swear at him yet he wouldn't swear back. I brought up what someone on here said and said that as someone he says he loves, surely it should be less acceptable to swear at me.

So then he said that him promising to try not to swear at me would be an empty promise as what would happen if he did swear. I said that if he tried not to then he would be aware if he did and could apologise straight after. He asked what would happen if he didn't promise and I said if he wasn't willing to treat me with respect then he could leave.

Then he said I should promise not to nag. Quite how he thinks I nag him all the time im not too sure when he watches whatever he wants on TV, plays call of duty which I hate, never makes love to me or even kisses me other than a chaste peck, and never wants to do anything or go anywhere. But, anyway I told him I promised I would try. I then said that didn't mean he was allowed to do whatever he liked and I wouldn't say anything.

He said I shouldn't have interfered when he was talking to nephew. I said I was trying to stop him winding up an excitable 4 year old who had just had his world turned upside down by the arrival of his brother. He said he wasn't winding him up he was trying to entertain him. I said it was bullying the way he wouldn't let the matter drop. He said nephew hadn't looked wound up at all so I said that was because I stopped him going on at him. I asked why he had kept on at nephew and he said 'I was trying to trip him up' ie make him admit he had been to school. Why would you want to do that to a 4 year old?

Then he went to the shop and his parting shot was, 'anyway if anyone leaves it will be you'

You don't have a marriage with this man. This is not love. This is not respect. This is not care.

I'm so sad for you Mary, this is no way to live, it's a mere existence and a miserable one at that.

You can't reason with someone who is so unreasonable. Does he ever apologise? Or do you get the blame for everything?

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book about abusive men? I think you will find your husband described in there.

What is it about him that you love?

Urgh.

There are so many things wrong with what you describing. He is minimising his behaviour by implying it's done and dusted so there is not much he can do..of course there is! Not do it! Secondly he is then trying to avoid listening and changing his behaviour by excusing himself with saying you provoked him (despite the fact he manages to control himself with customers). When you point out he is able to control himself with other people and he is pinned down he reluctantly cedes the point..but only to the extent that he requires something from you in return..'don't nag'..which is STILL twisting it around and putting it back onto you!

This is classic emotional manipulation. He cannot sit and listen to your point of view without justifying it or making it seem like you deserved it because you led him to it. This is how emotional abuse starts. It only gets worse. i know that might sound dramatic but i've been there...it is the basic attitude of lack of respect or ability to take responsibility for actions that is the teller here.

:-(

what are you getting out of this relationship, exactly?

Sorry I have to agree with the others that this is not a relationship that is suitable for having children. You have a golden opportunity to change your life for the better and it would be great if you could take it. Just around the corner there might be a man who is willing to love you, be affectionate with you, and be a true partner to you. Don't waste your time with this loser, please.

And the dangerous thing with his mentality is he could step it up and still be able to excuse himself or turn it back on you so it's your fault if he gives you a little shove because you provoked him or nagged him.

Agreed malinkey - that "I only did it because you made me" attitude is typical of an abuser.

Since coming back he has apologised and been quite lovely. He has agreed not to swear at me, and insisted he does love me. He thinks I have dropped the matter, but I won't forget. I think I'm going to keep a record of any unreasonable behaviour over the next few months and then go from there. I am not going to accept some of the ways he treats me anymore. Thanks for all of the advice.

If you think you don't nag him, why did you promise to try not to do it in future?

So, he got you to 'admit' to nagging him even though you don't
He refused to apologise and got away with it. Again.
He reluctantly agreed he would try to not swear at you but admitted he probably would.

What do you think will happen next time he swears. Oh wait, I think I can guess. The same thing that happened this time and the time before. He won't apologise because it will be your fault.

if anyone leaves it will be you well then, what are you waiting for?

Reading your posts makes me sad.....and Thank God that I am out of an abusive relationship!

By his refusal to not swear at you (and putting the blame of it all on you), what kind of message does that give you? That he has zero respect for you basically. You don't swear at people you love and respect. And definately not, should it inadvertently come out during an argument, if the partner is hurt by it and asks you not to do it again. By his refusal to do that, what does that say to you?

Like everyone else says, please don't have children with this man. How sad for you that he never touches you... hugs, kisses, good sex.
Anyway, from what you say, you'll be lucky to have ANY any with him if you stay.

Yes, like someone else said, What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? What's in it for you?

Please don't let false beliefs blight your life. I don't think God means for you to be miserable your whole life, really!

As for me, I met the father of my child at 34 (totally unexpected while travelling) and had him at 36.

You've got plenty of time.

Yup I have been there too. It did get worse. When I got together with my STBXH he was lovely. Over the years, we argued, then in came the swears. Bitch. Cunt (sorry). Cow. Then towards the end of our marriage, the pushing, the intimidating. The yelling at my nephew so hard my nephew wet himself :( all because he had a hang over and didnt like the noise. Its a slippery slope. Be careful.

Mary - I hope you're ok. If you're determined to stay with him (what are the good things about him by the way? You didn't answer that question) just watch his behaviour and pull him up on anything he does to you that you're not happy with. And don't take the blame for anything that isn't your fault.

Have you seen this list by Women's Aid about the dominator/friend? Might be worth a read.

People who are abusive often do alternate their horrible behaviour with being just nice enough to hook you back in again so you forget and think "oh, he's not so bad really". Probably just to stop you leaving when they know you're at the point of leaving. I know, I got suckered in for years with this until one day I didn't care if he was being nice or not, I just knew the horrid stuff would rear its ugly head again at some point.

My ex sounds quite similar to your husband and things got so much worse after we had a child together. I don't regret having DS for a minute but I so regret that I didn't choose a better father for my child.

Oh, and just be aware that if he's worried that you're thinking about leaving him, this might be about the time that he starts talking about having a baby together - just so you're stuck with him.

He does have good points, he really does.
He is very helpful, if others ask him for a favour he will try and do it
He never moans when my mum comes to visit and stays with us
He doesn't mind that I'm a bit of a slob and didn't always have the house tidy and dinner ready when he came home from work, even when I was out of work
He has a good sense of humour and most of the time we have a good laugh together
He can be very sweet and lovely, and I would like to give things a few more months before making any decisions

^He never moans when my mum comes to visit and stays with us
He doesn't mind that I'm a bit of a slob and didn't always have the house tidy and dinner ready when he came home from work, even when I was out of work^

What are you, his servant?

Where is your sense of self esteem....?

Why should he moan about your mother? He should love her for being the woman who gave birth to the most important person in his life....

It's sensible to give it another few months mary, just be aware that he might put on an act if he feels like you're planning to leave. Basically with a good partner you should feel entirely safe, you shouldn't feel like you're walking on eggshells or waiting for the next outburst. Your partner should be a safe haven and place where you go for comfort and reassurance. If he gives you that then that's great.

I can see you want to stay with him so why don't you have a think about all the things in your relationship you would like to be better? And talk to him about it and see if you can sort them out - then you'll really be able to see how things are (rather than perhaps how you want them to be)?

How would he react to the prospect of going to counselling do you think? What about seeing a sex therapist? If he really loves you I think he would consider your need to have a sexual relationship as something he should address. Or would you be prepared to live without sex for the rest of your life? What about affection? It's not an unreasonable request from the person who is supposed to love you.