Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP's obsession with me really stressing me out

84 replies

SmallMachine · 16/11/2011 14:11

DP is always going on about other men contacting me. On halloween I went out with friends which he went on and on and on about before I actually went out saying he wanted to come with me and why am I wearing that and why why why - anyway on this night out I bumped into an old college friend. Don't know him that well, never any romantic connection but a familiar face so obviously we talked and a photo of him "strangling" me (complete with zombie attire) appeared on facebook. Now DP goes on and on about this bloke, especially since the guy texted me afterwards saying he'd like to arrange a night out with a few people from college and has text me since then about silly stuff (old woman on train dancing etc) which he sends to everyone. DP is obsessed with him, calls him a tosser, says he hates him (has never met him) and that he doesn't want me going on a night out if this bloke is going!! so already I'm feeling that if I DO decide to go on this night out, I'm going to have to lie about who else is going because it's a damn site easier than telling DP this guy will be there.

He's also going on and on about my ex. I havn't seen my ex in over 4 years but he occasionally posts something stupid on my facebook wall - (eg. "look at this south park video, so funny lol" ) and again DP HATES my ex, wants to punch him, insists he wants to get back with me etc etc

Last weekend we went out with a group of his friends and he insists that ALL the blokes in the bars were "eyeing me up" and thats why he worried when I go out alone. I do not get "eyed up" more than any other average 30 year old!! He went off in a mood yesterday because I added a couple of his friends (one male, one female) to facebook afterwards (simply to see the photos from the night out but also because I and could well imagine myself being a part of this social circle as we all got on so well) but DP is now worried that I fancy this male friend and I found out today that straight after he discovered I'd added his friend, he tried to add my best friend to HIS facebook (who he briefly met once) presumably to make a point!! (me and friend just find it hilarious so he's made himself look a bit daft really!).

But in all seriousness it is REALLY stressing me out. He constantly goes on and on about it, second guesses everything I do, everything I wear, everything I say - has recently suggested that condoms are missing from my bedside table Hmm and gives me a hard time everytime I go out to the point where I'm starting to avoid going out as it's easier Sad A christmas do has been arranged and yesterday he went in a mood because he learnt that over blokes are going - because naturally I'll have to sleep with them all.

It's ok for other men to send the occasional text or facebook message isn't it?? It's ok for me to go out alone with friends and not expect a massive inquisition about it isn't it? This isn't right is it?

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 16/11/2011 14:17

Yes it's all perfectly normal, perfectly good and exactly what should be happening - i.e. normal healthy fun interaction with, err, half the population of Planet Earth.

What isn't normal is your controlling twat of a DP. Give yourself a truly fabulous Christmas present and dump him. Honestly. He's a loser. You can do better. It doesn't matter how great he is in other ways. He's losing you your friends, your social life, your peace of mind and your happiness and fun. Ditch him.

YaMaYaMa · 16/11/2011 14:18

Sorry, but he sounds like a dick.

MooncupGoddess · 16/11/2011 14:18

No, it's not right. You have done nothing wrong and his behaviour is a massive red flag. He is controlling you with his neurotic jealousy, to the point of being abusive.

How is the rest of your relationship, OP? Do you have children and/or a house together?

GypsyMoth · 16/11/2011 14:20

Why are you with him? I would be running for the hills

hopenglory · 16/11/2011 14:20

you need to find a way to put a stop to this now otherwise it's only going to get a lot worse

SmallMachine · 16/11/2011 14:20

I can't help but imagine how easy and stress free life would be without him Sad I could go out whenever I wanted, it wouldn't matter what photos appeared on facebook, I could speak to whoever I wanted without thinking to myself "hmm does it appear I want to shag this guy?" It's just doing my head in.
We don't have children together and live separately. I refused to move in with him because I know how clingy he is whereas I'm the opposite and need my space.

OP posts:
PenguinsAreThePoint · 16/11/2011 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2011 14:24

You need to dump your DP before he fully controls your life which he will given further opportunity. Controlling behaviour like his is abusive behaviour.

My guess too is that he has always been controlling and you have not recognised or have downplayed the red flags. Would say that such abuse is insidious in its onset and is hard to spot straight away so do not blame yourself for not seeing it before now.

Abusers as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world; my guess too is that he is reserving all his abusive behaviour for you solely.

Make no mistake, his behaviour is abusive and you will need to leave him. You will need to be carefully re leaving as such men do not let go of their victims easily; you need a plan to get out. He won't change his ways but up the control ante even more (as he has likely done over time).

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a very good book to read.

oldwomaninashoe · 16/11/2011 14:26

This will only get a lot worse as time goes on believe me. If you were to get married it would escalate to the stage that your life wouldn't be worth living.

It is not something you can sort out, or resolve with in depth discussions etc, it is unnatural behaviour, tough as it might be do yourself a favour and get rid to you can relax

Catsdontcare · 16/11/2011 14:26

He will never change the only person who will change is you and I susupect you already have started to change how you do things in order to avoid his jealousy.

You have no children, you don't live together I would walk away

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2011 14:27

Hi SmallMachine,

He's more than just being clingy; such behaviour is abusive. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

You won't yourself manage to put a stop to this.

It is undoubtedly hard to come to such a realisation but as you have no children and live separately you can leave far easier; you have no obligation to be with such a person.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?

3littlefrogs · 16/11/2011 14:28

Run. He sounds dangerous.

BluddyMoFo · 16/11/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 14:33

"to the point where i never go out because it's easier" is the key here.

That's exactly what he wants to happen. He's already training you. He wants you as his property, his possession, under his control.

He's not clingy and insecure, and no amount of you reaoning with him or trying to reassure him will help. Has he already pulled the 'my last true love cheated on me and it's affected how i look at relationships'? or the 'I know how vile men really are and deep down they all just want to use you, you're naive, i'm just protecting you', lines? They're textbook. He's controlling and will turn abusive if he hasn't yet. This is no way to live.

PenguinsAreThePoint · 16/11/2011 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobyLeWolef · 16/11/2011 14:35

GET OUT.

I married this man. Fuck that.

SmallMachine · 16/11/2011 14:40

No I started a thread about adding his friend to facebook before I'd actually done so.

Tortoise, he's used both of those lines, he says his ex wife was shagging someone else (but she told me he was really possessive with her and never let her see her friends or go out) and he also told me all men want to have sex with me, its not me he doesn't trust, it's them - he's only protecting me, he loves me too much etc etc - but he can't love me that much because a few months ago I did break up with him and that same night he signed up to a dating site and began msging other women. I don't think it's "me" he loves as such, it's having me to himself he loves. I think the only reason he goes off on one when we do split up is that he can't be arsed to find someone else as "reliable" iyswim? I know all this - yet I can't accept it as truth for some reason Sad

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 16/11/2011 14:44

Oh God.

Please, start accepting it as truth and GET OUT!

You are wasting precious years. Precious happiness. Precious moments where you plan for the future and feel happy, excited, at peace with your life.

Leave, leave, leave. You have no ties. You have your life ahead of you. Don't ruin it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2011 14:47

Hi SmallMachine

Re your comment:-

"I don't think it's "me" he loves as such, it's having me to himself he loves. I think the only reason he goes off on one when we do split up is that he can't be arsed to find someone else as "reliable" iyswim? I know all this - yet I can't accept it as truth for some reason".

Re your first sentence I would say one word - exactly. You are but a possession to him. He doe snot know the meaning of the word love and wants to keep you in a gilded cage of his own making.

For "reliable" use the word "compliant" instead. He will find someone else to control; these people can be very charming and women do get sucked in as you have been. He also acts like this because he can; you have allowed yourself to become controlled by him. Such men do not let go of their victim easily; he has you where he wants you and so won't let you go easily. You will need a plan to escape him because he will continue to make your life a living hell otherwise.

Womens Aid are good; do contact them too.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/11/2011 14:48

What everyone else said. Controlling loser. He will turn abusive once he feels he has you properly "snared". Everything he says about his ex and other men is pure projection on his part, and classic: when he's telling you that other men see you as an object to have sex with, that's himself he's talking about.

Just run. Run fast and run far.

Hullygully · 16/11/2011 14:51

Total cliche man

tell him to fuck off

SmallMachine · 16/11/2011 14:52

Puppy, it's funny you should say that because I often feel little more than a sex object to him. He goes on about sex all the time and when we see each other he seems to think sex is on the table, always. I don't always feel like it. Just because it's "our weekend" doesn't mean I'm automatically in the mood for sex but he seems to think it doesn't matter as he can "get me in the mood" and if I refuse to allow it he goes off in a mood and starts the guilt trip. The whole thing is really getting me down.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 16/11/2011 14:56

You're wasting your life being unhappy. You don't deserve this - who the fuck does ???Hmm Bet you'd never let one of your friends waste her time like this?

Get out while you can, you deserve more.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/11/2011 14:58

You feel stifled, are beginning to get isolated, and like a sex object, and you're not even committed to him in any way.

You need to dump him, and you need to cut contact immediately - change your SIM card and e-mail address pronto - because this man WILL not accept to be dumped.

You are an object and objects do not have agency, in his view. Prepare to be very assertive.

MooncupGoddess · 16/11/2011 14:58

Great that you don't live together or have other ties. That means you can dump him, like, NOW.

Swipe left for the next trending thread