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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP's obsession with me really stressing me out

84 replies

SmallMachine · 16/11/2011 14:11

DP is always going on about other men contacting me. On halloween I went out with friends which he went on and on and on about before I actually went out saying he wanted to come with me and why am I wearing that and why why why - anyway on this night out I bumped into an old college friend. Don't know him that well, never any romantic connection but a familiar face so obviously we talked and a photo of him "strangling" me (complete with zombie attire) appeared on facebook. Now DP goes on and on about this bloke, especially since the guy texted me afterwards saying he'd like to arrange a night out with a few people from college and has text me since then about silly stuff (old woman on train dancing etc) which he sends to everyone. DP is obsessed with him, calls him a tosser, says he hates him (has never met him) and that he doesn't want me going on a night out if this bloke is going!! so already I'm feeling that if I DO decide to go on this night out, I'm going to have to lie about who else is going because it's a damn site easier than telling DP this guy will be there.

He's also going on and on about my ex. I havn't seen my ex in over 4 years but he occasionally posts something stupid on my facebook wall - (eg. "look at this south park video, so funny lol" ) and again DP HATES my ex, wants to punch him, insists he wants to get back with me etc etc

Last weekend we went out with a group of his friends and he insists that ALL the blokes in the bars were "eyeing me up" and thats why he worried when I go out alone. I do not get "eyed up" more than any other average 30 year old!! He went off in a mood yesterday because I added a couple of his friends (one male, one female) to facebook afterwards (simply to see the photos from the night out but also because I and could well imagine myself being a part of this social circle as we all got on so well) but DP is now worried that I fancy this male friend and I found out today that straight after he discovered I'd added his friend, he tried to add my best friend to HIS facebook (who he briefly met once) presumably to make a point!! (me and friend just find it hilarious so he's made himself look a bit daft really!).

But in all seriousness it is REALLY stressing me out. He constantly goes on and on about it, second guesses everything I do, everything I wear, everything I say - has recently suggested that condoms are missing from my bedside table Hmm and gives me a hard time everytime I go out to the point where I'm starting to avoid going out as it's easier Sad A christmas do has been arranged and yesterday he went in a mood because he learnt that over blokes are going - because naturally I'll have to sleep with them all.

It's ok for other men to send the occasional text or facebook message isn't it?? It's ok for me to go out alone with friends and not expect a massive inquisition about it isn't it? This isn't right is it?

OP posts:
izzywhizzyspecanpie · 16/11/2011 21:29

This man is not your 'DP'.

He currently occupies the status of your 'boyfriend'.

Luckily for you, by tomorrow morning he can be be downgraded to ex-boyfriend.

Dump him now because if you don't you will live to regret it.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 21:31

OP, you didn't reply to dickiedavis

is that you in the link ?

motherinferior · 16/11/2011 21:34

There are lots of nice men, you know, who are perfectly happy for you to have male friends and male FB friends and even be on good terms with their exes. Really. You don't have to have this tosser in your life.

Lulabellarama · 16/11/2011 21:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 21:40

and back she will be in a month or so, with the same refrain...

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/11/2011 22:32

OK, OP, if you have posted about this before, what is stopping you from telling this fuckwit to get out of your life and stay out? Have you got useless family and friends who keep pressurising you to avoid being single? Given that all abusive arsehole men are nice sometimes (particularly at the start of a relationship - otherwise no one would date them in the first place, let alone stay with them once the nastiness starts to show through), it is often quite difficult for a woman to acknowledge that she is being abused, that the 'loving, funny, sexy' man she thought she was involved with doesn't exist, and that the real man is a shitbag. It becomes much, much harder when a woman has been heavily socialised to believe that women cannot exist without a male owner, and that being single makes you a freak and a failure, and that if you can just be submissive 'perfect' enough, the man will stop abusing you.
He won't. He's the problem. It's perfectly all right to be single. Being single is much better than having a wanker like this in your life.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2011 22:46

That's definitely the same poster.

SGB you were ace on that thread!

Sad to see that she's still with this loser.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 17/11/2011 07:48

Is it necessarily the same poster?

Sadly, there are myriads of men out there working to exactly the same script (and myriads of women with low self-esteem working to the same script of denial and acceptance, too)

Jux · 17/11/2011 08:44

SmallMchine,whether or not you are the same poster doesn't change the fact that you are with a man who is trying to control you, and the time to get away from him is now, before you get more entangled.

Please think carefully about this relationship. Is he your first boyfriend? That seems unlikely. Have all your boyfriends treated you like this? I promise that a man who respects you will not behave like this.

You are an adult. You can make your own decisions about where to go, what to do, who to spend time with and for how long, what time you go home, what you wear. Please go on making those decisions. Don't let him dominate you.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/11/2011 09:03

Yep, she's dating my ex too. This fellow sure does get about.

Look, I spent 25 years with a man who was all sweet and nice except for his "trust issues". He never learned to trust me, because (as I realised two decades too late) it wasn't really about trust at all. I wasted quarter of a century with a controlling arse, although I didn't think I was stupid... and he used exactly the same phrases that yours does. It's straight out of the textbook they all use, it's quite spooky.

It's not about you, it's about him, and you can't fix what ails him because he is not interested in being fixed. Of course he's got nice aspects, don't we all? But the big horrible hairy issue will outweigh all of those in time. Run away, run away before he ties you down.

NunTheWiser · 17/11/2011 09:31

Run for the hills. Very fast. It won't get better.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 17/11/2011 09:40

Jesus Christ. I hope you've dumped him.

Question is what do you get from this?

As SGB says it's okay to be single, in fact being single is amazing (especially if the alternative is this dick)

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 17/11/2011 09:41

Ah I see SGB's been on!!

RealityIsADistantMemory · 17/11/2011 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorbs · 17/11/2011 09:51

SmallMachine, please read this. It's about the warning signs of a bad relationship. Just from what you've said here, items 5 ("Cutting off your support"), 9 ("No outside interests"), 18 ("Walking on eggshells"), 19 ("Discounted Feelings/Opinions") and 20 ("They make you 'crazy'") from that article all seem to be appropriate. And particularly 10 ("Paranoid control"). I bet you would recognise a lot more, too.

How many red flags do you need to see before you start to pay attention?

TobyLeWolef · 17/11/2011 10:02

Honestly, I wish MN had been around when I was a newly-engaged 18 year-old. Perhaps then I wouldn't have married the man who went on to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me for years. The red flags were there way before we got married. I ignored them/didn't take them for what they were.

Please listen, OP.

garlicbutter · 17/11/2011 10:07

Oh, love, I was on your Hallowe'en thread - and one of the earlier ones.

This bloke's scary.

I can only think you must be under his thumb, more than you know. If you can't dump him, try ringing Womens Aid for a chat - and book yourself on their Freedom Programme while you're at it. You need freedom. You really do.

garlicbutter · 17/11/2011 10:11

OP, was your father quite controlling?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 17/11/2011 10:17

Thought it might be Reality

rollonchristmas · 17/11/2011 10:45

We don't have children together and live separately. I refused to move in with him because I know how clingy he is whereas I'm the opposite and need my space.

I think you've answered you're own question/dump him

EricNorthmansMistress · 17/11/2011 11:35

We don't have children together and live separately

then the only piece of advice you need is DUMP HIM NOW

Any other course of action would be fucking lunacy on your part.

squeakytoy · 17/11/2011 11:47

As soon as I read the OP I realised it had to be the same poster from a couple of weeks ago... (its was the zombie photo bit that jolted my memory).

Why are you still seeing this controlling paranoid prick? Nothing good is ever going to come out of this relationship. Nothing you do will ever make him happy, because he isnt wired up the right way to be in a normal relationship.

He is a control freak, he is jealous and he is possessive. He doesnt love you or even care about you. He just wants to own you.

But we have told you all that, and yet you are still continuing this relationship with him. Confused

You dont live with him, you dont have kids together, what the fuck is stopping you from just ending this?

squeakytoy · 17/11/2011 11:52

And I forgot to add, he isnt a "DP". That means Darling/Dear Partner.

This bloke isnt a darling, nor is he your partner. He is just a person who you really dont need in your life, because he adds nothing of value to it.

DP in this case really just mean Dangerous Psycho. because I guarantee, the longer you let this continue, the more controlling he will become, until he has ground you down so much that you actually believe him and you shuffle around with your eyes to the ground so that you dont make eye contact with any other man in case you get accused of having an affair with them... and from what you have posted, this is already starting to happen.

.

waterrat · 17/11/2011 11:56

hmm the OP keeps posting then vanishing - OP you are too scared to tackle this and he is grinding you down. As someone says, contact Womens Aid, have a look at their website - you need some support - counselling to help you recognise your own issues from the past that are probably the reason why you are putting up with this.

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 11:57

Squeaky - if there actually is a 'd'p at all of course...
It annoys me when people aren't straight (I'm not using T word) especially in Relationships because so many people invest so much time in trying to help.
OP is that you or not, why would you not say so if it is?

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