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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister self-destructing and raped

105 replies

svodop · 08/11/2011 22:05

Current crisis - She seems desperate to spend Christmas with her ex and pay off all her debts by joining the porn industry in a foreign country for 1 month. Cash in hand, hundreds per day.

Her dad paid for the initial flights (I'm scared its one way). I said no when she asked me for the money with a story about an internship.

I live in the UK; she flew from Australia via heathrow to east europe and then onto final destination, where she will make enough money to fund further travel and pay everyone off.

This starts for me when I got an email from her in-transit waiting for the next leg of her flight asking for $50, just until tomorrow when her flatmate will transfer the money he owes her. I said it was impossible as I was at work, couldn't get to the airport before her next flight and wouldn't get into the transit lounge anyway. Also any bank account I have would take 3 days to transfer to hers.

This story has come out in dribs and drabs when she has been able to get on the internet but this is what I have pieced together:

Before she got on the first flight she was raped by 4 men and made a statement with the police who did nothing (so in Oz). They also stole her money which led to her in-transit email to me. No one knows about this other than me and she asked me to not tell Mum.

She got to Prague, stayed with and was lent some money by a friend she met on the plane (and also had sex with on the plane). She was kicked out by said friend so was essentially homeless in Prague but had a pre-booked flight coming up.

She hid her luggage in some bushes, which got stolen but she found them again and this caused her to miss that booked flight.

She got caught busking by the police, swore at them and one of them hit her across the head.

She has slept at the airport for 2 days. A friend from home booked her another flight which she also missed because it didn't include enough of a luggage allowance (easyjet) and she didn't have any money to pay for more.

I was about to pay for another flight to the UK when she was arrested by the airport police for stealing alcohol and they were demanding that she pay a fine before they let her go. The fastest that I could get that money to her was by flying over the next day. This wouldn't be quick enough as the police were demanding the money now etc. via western union.

I called her Dad and he deposited the money in her account as an instant transaction and now she has some cash, has been let go by the police and booked a bus to Amsterdam and I hope the reason that she is no longer online is that she is on it.

My stance has been that I will fly to her and bring her back to the UK with me and she can stay with me until she sorts herself out/heals (?) or I put her on a plane back to Oz.

What would you do? I want to make her go to a doctor and get checked. I want her to call rape crisis and speak to someone about it. I want to hug her and tell her it will be ok. I also want her to grow up and take responsibility, stop lurching from crisis to crisis. I don't want to bail her out. I want her to stop acting without thinking. I want her to stop smoking pot. I want her to finish her degree and get a job and live a calm life. I want to help her but I don't know how.

She is putting on a brave face to all her facebook friends. A bit like a school kid playing up to the teachers with friends cheering her on, but she is 22, and acting up to the police while crying to me about how all the bad things happen to her.

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mycherubs · 08/11/2011 22:11

sorry bit complicated to read and digest as i just scanned it - 22 is so young and doing porn? someone needs to drag her home she sounds confused and broken and also incredibly vulberable. shoe sounds like she has no boundaried, if that was my sister i would be flying out to her and forcing her to come home

Fairenuff · 08/11/2011 22:18

Does she have an addiction to drugs or alcohol. These stories about how she lost money and missed flights do not seem entirely true to me. I am sincerely sorry if she was in fact raped, of course, the poor girl. But police doing 'nothing' in one country and hitting her in another Hmm. It is entirely possible that she has spent the money herself.

Either way, she is an adult and cannot be forced to 'come home' or indeed stay there if she does. If she really wanted to get back, she would have left her luggage and got on the plane. I don't see any way that you can help her unless she is ready to receive help Sad

ShockinHolyTempers · 08/11/2011 22:19

OP, her story seems so incredible....do you believe her?

mumblechum1 · 08/11/2011 22:27

She sounds like someone I know who makes up stories for attention tbh.

Do you actually believe all this stuff?

confidence · 08/11/2011 22:29

You missed out the part where she got hit by the flying pig...

Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 22:32

I have to say, my first impression was that this can't be true. If it were one of these things that had happened to her, then it would be utterly believable. But for so many things to have happened to her in such a short space of time? Missing a flight when she was already in dire need of help because she couldn't get all her baggage on? Police in two countries not helping her at all?

If these things truly have happened to her, then she's an incredibly unlucky woman. But I genuinely think she's stringing you a line here - and if she is, then that's a terrible thing for her to do.

svodop · 08/11/2011 22:34

I think I do believe it. We did question when she said that the police were demanding a western union that it might be someone that has hacked her account.

She's making decisions about getting into the porn industry because she feels its easy money - but she is also messed up in the head.

I think that the only drug is pot.

I haven't been able to talk to her properly. I can't call her mobile as she has no credit to be able to answer a call.

I had asked work to take the day off today so that I could fly out, but last night her dad transfered her the money and she decided that she was getting the bus.

I guess I am now waiting for the next crisis when she finds porn isn't what she imagined or she wont make the money she expects.

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izzywhizzyspecanpie · 08/11/2011 22:34

Where does her ex live and in what foreign country is she intending to make 'hundeds per day' cash in hand by joining the porn industry?

This sounds like a series of unlikely tales which kick off with her being raped by 4 men before she got on her first flight but the Oz police did nothing. How likely is that? Or that she'd then get on a flight to Heathrow with no money? And why are you sworn to secrecy?

As for the rest, it simply doesn't hold together sufficiently to convince me. Did you speak to the airport police in Prague? And why is she now heading by bus to Amsterdam? If that was always her intended destination, why didn't she get a flight to Schipol from Heathrow?

I'm deeply suspicious because it all seems to come down to her needing money to fund her travels.

Without question, something's happened to her to make her act out in this way, but I suspect that it was something that occurred some considerable time before she embarked on her intial journey.

In any event, IMO you're taking the right stance by offering to fly to wherever in Europe and bring her back with you and, should you get more requests for money via Western Union or whatever, I would urge you to resist the temptation to bail her out and book yourself the first flight out to go get her.

Lucelulu · 08/11/2011 22:41

Has she a history of mental health problems at all?
I could be wrong but she sounds manic and unwell and as if she possibly needs psychiatric hep more than anything.

chubbasmum · 08/11/2011 22:48

I think your sister needs help no doubt i wouldnt go with the crowd doubting her story because some traumatic situations are just unbelievable - what kind of a father finances his daughter`s trip to go and do porn, i would tell your mum because at 22 she is still young and the fact that its a foreign country and its cash in hand rings alarm bells i would be inclined to hide her passport. Its very unfair of your sister to tell you all this and ask you to keep it to yourself mentally if that had happened to my sister it would mentally do my head in. Good luck OP

svodop · 08/11/2011 22:50

Agree, it sounds like I am being scammed but I believe it, missing flights while at the airport, mouthing off to police, hiding her bags in the bushes etc is kind of in character.

She asked me not to tell mum about the rape as mum will go nuts with a bat to the head of the men who did it, which is true (although I think that they were new "friends" she was partying with).

She is boasting about all this on facebook and her blog, while at the same time crying to me in private emails.

One of her true friends is made at her and accused her of gathering material for a book (she wants to be a writer) while making them worried sick. This friend booking one of the missed flights.

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Seabright · 08/11/2011 22:50

Have you spoken to her at all by phone? There was an article in the Guardian a couple of weeks ago about email accounts being hacked and sob stories being sent to friends, without the knowledge of the account holder, asking for money.

It does sound unbelievable, but sometimes crap things just keep happening to people. You (obviously) know her best, does she have any history if exegerating?

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 08/11/2011 22:53

I initially thought 'drugs' but on re-reading your post, it seems to me to be more likely that it's alcohol abuse.

If she fetches up in Amsterdam at least it's ony an hour's flight and there are plenty of them so you shouldn't have too much problem booking yourself on the next flight out.

I once knew someone who made a similar journey around India largely funded by dupes friends who fell for the tales of cholera, snakebite, stolen luggage, corrupt police, - you name it, it happened to them except, as I recall, they didn't encounter a man-eating tiger.

svodop · 08/11/2011 22:55

Amsterdam is the place that she is going to get porn work. I don't believe she told her dad this. She told me it was an internship but I know the truth as I have access to her blog.

Ex is in the USA.

She has had some depression in the past few years.

She's not had the healthiest of childhoods. Mum had boyfriends who beat her (mum, not sister), one of which is her dad.

I think that she thinks drama in life and smoking pot is normal. I'm the odd one out for being so straight.

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svodop · 08/11/2011 22:58

We did speak to her briefly on skype when we were trying to use western union to get her some cash. To make sure it was her.

I'm pretty pissed at her dad as well for funding a one way ticket. I only suspect that it is one way, I don't know this for sure.

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Fairenuff · 08/11/2011 23:00

Does she really have to have credit to receive a call? I agree about speaking to her in person before you get on a flight. It could be a scam.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 08/11/2011 23:00

If she was heading to Amsterdam from Oz, why would she go to Prague?

If she does end up back in the UK with you, I suggest you stash your most valuable possessions somewhere safe and nail others to the floor.

Is her ex expecting her for Christmas or is intending to surprise him/her? If the latter, a crystal ball isn't needed to predict disaster.

svodop · 08/11/2011 23:02

I don't know if ex is expecting her.

Its a prepaid australian mobile so she needs credit for it to even ring, I think. In any event it goes straight to voicemail.

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garlicBread · 08/11/2011 23:03

Poor girl. And poor you. I don't think it matters how much of her story is true - she'd clearly very fucked-up, distressed, and frantically trying to convince herself she's 'adventurous' rather than completely off-orbit.

I am less cynical than some others as I have, indeed, had many spectacular adventures during running-away-from-myself phases. Many of them have been reframed as less repulsive than they really were. It's quite shocking how many people are prepared to give an 'adventure' to a screwed-up young woman ...

What on earth was your father thinking???!!!

Can you afford the time & cost to go and get her, svodop? Lie, if you must, to get her on the plane. Once she's on it, you can tell her she WILL see a doctor and WILL take wiser advice. I'm glad she has you.

svodop · 08/11/2011 23:03

She says that it was cheaper to buy tickets to Prague.

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svodop · 08/11/2011 23:09

You can't actually drag someone on a plane, at 22yo. I think I have to wait until she is desperate enough.

I'm worried it wont be what she expects in Amsterdam, it will hit her hard, all her plans will be in tatters, she has borrowed money from everyone she knows and she will get depressive again and suicide. She has said on her blog that she was suicidal last year.

Most things I know about her are from her blog.

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Fairenuff · 08/11/2011 23:09

Are you able to talk to her on fb? To check that it really is her?

svodop · 08/11/2011 23:10

Lucky work is understanding and I can take leave at the drop of a hat.

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svodop · 08/11/2011 23:11

I have spoken to her on skype, briefly when she was in custody at the airport, apparently typing with handcuffs on.

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svodop · 08/11/2011 23:13

My other problem is that if I get her on a plane to the UK, immigration might not let her through.

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