Sister self-destructing and raped

[svodop]

Current crisis - She seems desperate to spend Christmas with her ex and pay off all her debts by joining the porn industry in a foreign country for 1 month. Cash in hand, hundreds per day.

Her dad paid for the initial flights (I'm scared its one way). I said no when she asked me for the money with a story about an internship.

I live in the UK; she flew from Australia via heathrow to east europe and then onto final destination, where she will make enough money to fund further travel and pay everyone off.

This starts for me when I got an email from her in-transit waiting for the next leg of her flight asking for $50, just until tomorrow when her flatmate will transfer the money he owes her. I said it was impossible as I was at work, couldn't get to the airport before her next flight and wouldn't get into the transit lounge anyway. Also any bank account I have would take 3 days to transfer to hers.

This story has come out in dribs and drabs when she has been able to get on the internet but this is what I have pieced together:

Before she got on the first flight she was raped by 4 men and made a statement with the police who did nothing (so in Oz). They also stole her money which led to her in-transit email to me. No one knows about this other than me and she asked me to not tell Mum.

She got to Prague, stayed with and was lent some money by a friend she met on the plane (and also had sex with on the plane). She was kicked out by said friend so was essentially homeless in Prague but had a pre-booked flight coming up.

She hid her luggage in some bushes, which got stolen but she found them again and this caused her to miss that booked flight.

She got caught busking by the police, swore at them and one of them hit her across the head.

She has slept at the airport for 2 days. A friend from home booked her another flight which she also missed because it didn't include enough of a luggage allowance (easyjet) and she didn't have any money to pay for more.

I was about to pay for another flight to the UK when she was arrested by the airport police for stealing alcohol and they were demanding that she pay a fine before they let her go. The fastest that I could get that money to her was by flying over the next day. This wouldn't be quick enough as the police were demanding the money now etc. via western union.

I called her Dad and he deposited the money in her account as an instant transaction and now she has some cash, has been let go by the police and booked a bus to Amsterdam and I hope the reason that she is no longer online is that she is on it.

My stance has been that I will fly to her and bring her back to the UK with me and she can stay with me until she sorts herself out/heals (?) or I put her on a plane back to Oz.

What would you do? I want to make her go to a doctor and get checked. I want her to call rape crisis and speak to someone about it. I want to hug her and tell her it will be ok. I also want her to grow up and take responsibility, stop lurching from crisis to crisis. I don't want to bail her out. I want her to stop acting without thinking. I want her to stop smoking pot. I want her to finish her degree and get a job and live a calm life. I want to help her but I don't know how.

She is putting on a brave face to all her facebook friends. A bit like a school kid playing up to the teachers with friends cheering her on, but she is 22, and acting up to the police while crying to me about how all the bad things happen to her.

Sorry I assumed your father, when I should have said 'her' father.

I'm feeling weirdly disloyal about having painted my adventures as exploitative. I also met some very kind people, who extended a helping hand to a vulnerable stranger.

I'm now aware that I was mentally unstable; nobody recognised this except one of my uncles. He was out of his depth, but provided some stability. It's probably worth bearing in mind what somebody said about being manic - or she could be schizophrenic; there's a short-term variety that often affects young women apparently. Might be what I had. You need to protect yourself before protecting her. Good luck.

"As a general guide, visas are not required for Australians entering the United Kingdom for a tourism or business stay of less than six months "

www.smartraveller.gov.au/zw-cgi/view/Advice/United_Kingdom

What is she actually wanting from you at the moment? Has she asked for more money or is she ok for now?

Skyping whilst in custody, wearing handcuffs ?

In your shoes, I would be telling her parents (both of them) what you have told us here. If she's posting about her situation on her blog, then show them that too.

Either she is having some sort of breakdown or is in genuine need and needs help to come home (and I'm fairly sure her father will be stunned to find out he has paid to send his DD off to what she hopes is a career in porn) or she's taking the piss out of you royally for some reason.

Thanks all. Its good to get the worry out. I guess there is nothing I can say/do to help her, especially not before she really wants it.

She is ok for now. I assume that since she hasn't been online she is travelling on the bus.

Re visa - immigration can be wary of letting in tourists who don't have an onward flight.

I am off to try and sleep. I'll be back with any further dramas.

I'm fairly sure that a straight through flight to Heathow with refuelling in Singapore or Hong Kong and onward to Amsterdam costs less than an add on to Prague. In any event, Schipol is an international airport and KLM and other airlines fly direct to Oz.

I suspect she booked to Heathrow and then met a man who was going to Prague - as you do if you're young and impressionable or you're stoned on alcohol/drugs or have mental health issues.

Amsterdam at this time of year is just as damp and gloomy and often colder than most of the UK. The Dutch authorities are endeavouring to clean up a lot of the red light district and, as most Dutch pornographers work out of sunnier climes around the Med or in the Caribbean, I doub that she's going to find a pot of gold at the end of her rainbow.

If she should find herself on the wrong end of Dutch law at least you'll have little problem communicating with the police as English is widely spoken.

It's not going to be easy for you to resolve her issues if she doesn't want to resolve them herself. In addition, unless she has a Brit passport, NHS services will not readily be available unless it is an emergency.

She won't have a problem coming into the UK to spend a holiday with you.

Svodop your sis sounds like my sis, is even the same age. We had a pretty screwed up childhood, I turned out "normal" she is "nuts" that really is the only way to describe her. And EVERYTHING you say your sis has done, being raped, hiding bags in bushes etc which sound unbelievable to most people are the exact type of thing my Sis would do. Her behaviour is erratic, selfish, childish, dangerous and she's very very vulnerable. I honestly expect one day her behaviour will result in her death she is currently being assessed by social workers/Mental health team for the umpteenth time although apart from being labeled with a personality disorder and as a "vulnerable adult" no diagnosis has been made yet.
I actually can't give you any advice, my sister is the absolute bane of my life and I totally empathise with the position your in. Sometimes though you can help them too much and worry til you make yourself Ill

I really feel a need to point out some victim-blaming in this thread wrt rape. Best to believe the victim, surely? Moreover, a trauma like that would certainly send a screwed-up girl into tailspin.

It's not a question of disbelieving a rape victim as such, garlic. It goes to credibility and, in this instance, my primary concern is for the OP.

I'm not enamoured with the police; forces around the world are riddled with chauvinism and, sadly, this also extends to those female officers who become institutionalised by 'the job'.

However, unless they were the perps, I find it as hard to believe that Oz police failed to act on an allegation of gang rape and theft as I do that Czech police allowed a detainee to make direct, unsupervised, communcation to an outside source in order to allegedly raise funds to pay a fine.

This is not to say that you should be unsympathetic or that you shouldn't make all the right noises, svodop, but I would urge you to suspend belief until such time as you can verify her account as all may not be as it seems - and it may be considerably more than it appears to be.

I suspect that your sister has, indeed, suffered sexual abuse and/or rape at some point in her life and I make that supposition purely on her apparently stated intention to make a large sum of money in a short time from the sex industry.

In heading for Amsterdam, it seems that your sister may be under the illusion that this is the porn capital of the world and has overlooked the fact that there is a thriving porn/sex industry in Oz and also in the Far East which was more easily accessible to her than Europe.

Sad to say, her plans seem to be a product of disorganised thinking and some element of fantasy which may be a form of mania, possibly coupled with alcohol/drug abuse, which is manifesting as extreme attention seeking behavour.

If she comes to stay with you with the intention of travelling to the USA, I would suggest that you speak to her ex and ensure that they are aware of her plans and will meet her plane, and that all necessary visas are in place before you see her off.

If it transpires that you need to return her to Oz, I would suggest that you book a direct flight from Heathrow with a refuelling stop in Singapore (less opportunity to decamp) and that you ask the airline what services they offer to ensure that a young vulnerable adult embarks on the correct flight at the appointed time before you check her in.

I agree with Izzy. Large parts of the story sound non-credible, BUT that is not to say that the OP's sister does not have major problems which need addressing. However, I think the OP should be cautious given that much of the story appears to come to the point that the sister needs the OP to give her money. It may be that she believes she's not lying (i.e. she's delusional). However, the story as told to the OP is almost certainly not true (although parts of it may be).

I think the OP has to go and retrieve her from Amsterdam.

The thing that amazes me most about all this, is that you can seemingly be on skid row with not a penny to your name, raped, homeless, luggage stolen, under arrest and yet.....you still find time and the means to regularly update facebook and a blog.

It sounds like she thinks she is on a one big hedonistic adventure. I can't help thinking if you drop everything and rush over there to bail her out it won't be the end of it for you....can you afford financially and emotionally to get sucked in by all her problems?

Just one thing...I wouldnt send her home via Singapore, given her propensity to get into trouble and Singapore's automatic death penalty for drugs.

I'd work from the principle of always believing a rape claim, but most of the rest seems fantastical.

The one and only time I flew direct to Oz on a 'never again' flight the plane refuelled at Singapore. All passengers were required to disembark and were shunted through a building that offered no opportunity to join passengers from other flights who were heading for the arrivals lounge via Changi's passport control.

The entire process took some 2 hours - the plane was a jumbo and it seemed that as the last passengers were disembarking, the first off were queuing to re-embark.

If I'm flying to Oz from Europe I stopover for a few days in Hong Kong and can't verify whether it is as secure as Changi when long-haul flights re-fuel.

Should opportunity arise, the OP may find it more expedient to travel to Amsterdam and send her sister back to Oz from Schipol Airport without need for an additional flight to Heathrow.

I second those who advocate that the OP should bite the bullet and update her dm and her dsis's df about the hidden agenda behind this trip, although I will understand if she prefers to adopt a 'wait and see' approach to this vexed sensitive subject.

It does sound like an incredible tale but your tiltle says it all.
Clearly you know this is a very distrssed young woman on a path of self destruction. Wether its substance abuse or underlying mental problems. Agree she might very well be in a manic phase and believing her own tales.

Do help her if you can. The father seems useless. How about your mother? Is she not interested? Has she ever been?

Sorry for ending on a judgey note but if you are really intent on tackling this, maybe you should share the load and get your mother to accept some responsibility. You cant do it alone in the long term.
Good luck

Svodop, do you think you want your sister to be medically assessed in Amsterdam? If so, please say so as I may be able to offer some advice/contacts. She sounds manic or very unstable at the very least.

Amsterdam is not the porn capital of the world, I have no idea why she would be heading there to do porn instead of California for example.

For what I have read here, I wouldn't believe a single word she is saying. Her story has more holes than a Gruyère cheese. I may be wrong, but I am guessing "internet lover" and many, many more drugs than pot. By all means try to help your DSis, but please be very, very careful yourself. This stinks really badly.

It sounds like your sister has been sexually abused, but it may be in the past, rather than recent. We don't know how honest she is.

A pornstar is a prostitute. Let your sister know that when she is ready to be helped and turn her life around, then you'll be there for her. You won't leave her to continue being abused. She needs to want it too.

With the debts, she can disappear for a while, switch off phone, close down Facebook, and pay everyone back when she can afford to. There is no quick fix, and it is not worth suicide or prostitution for.

Sorry, but I honestly think the sister is in need of help of some kind but not sure what, because I really dont believe it possible that all these events could happen in the short space of time that they did.. without her ending up in hospital or jail. It just does not add up.

She has updated that she has made it to Amsterdam. I believe that she has accommodation arranged with a friend.

When she was in custody and chatting on sype it was with the airport police (does that make it more credible)?

She has lied to me directly or downplayed her actions - she told me she was going for an internship (her blog says otherwise), she told me she was arrested for sleeping at the airport and other stuff (her blog says stealing) etc. What I have posted is everything I have gathered from her blog and facebook, not what she has told me in private emails (excluding the rape).

As far as I know, she is expecting the porn to be still pictures of her alone or with another woman (and not having sex with a man).

I think she will be pressured/talked into things she didn't plan on doing, anything to make the money. And, this is one of the better outcomes my imagination comes out with.

Apparently the Australian police told her that rape was "classified by the amount of time", but she had read up and discovered that it's actually defined by consent.

Does it sound plausible that a cop would say this, it doesn't make sense. A quick rape doesn't count?

I was once held by customs and spent the whole time on my phone, I don't see anything wrong with that although am not an expert! Presumably there's always a load of waiting around unless you're on a major international wanted list.

She sounds really messed up, OP :( I share your worries. One good thing about being in the Netherlands to act out your ishoos, instead of an EEU country, is that there are many strong support & rehabilitation programmes for both sex workers and drug abusers. Here's hoping she lands up in one of them sooner rather than later.

I suppose letting her know you're available for a crash landing, as it were, is the most you can reasonably do and may mean a great deal to her. You must be so anxious over all this! Still, if she knows she can keep in touch and you're "there" for her, that alone could keep her from making the very worst choices.

You're a good sister :)

Svodop, I'm in Australia and while the police here aren't always fantastic on the subject of rape - no, that's utter nonsense, there's no reason at all that the police would say anything of the sort. Rape law here is similar to that in the
UK, although actually a bit more broadly defined (doesn't have to be PIV, for example).

And it's not at all cheap to fly Australia - Prague!