Sister self-destructing and raped

[svodop]

Current crisis - She seems desperate to spend Christmas with her ex and pay off all her debts by joining the porn industry in a foreign country for 1 month. Cash in hand, hundreds per day.

Her dad paid for the initial flights (I'm scared its one way). I said no when she asked me for the money with a story about an internship.

I live in the UK; she flew from Australia via heathrow to east europe and then onto final destination, where she will make enough money to fund further travel and pay everyone off.

This starts for me when I got an email from her in-transit waiting for the next leg of her flight asking for $50, just until tomorrow when her flatmate will transfer the money he owes her. I said it was impossible as I was at work, couldn't get to the airport before her next flight and wouldn't get into the transit lounge anyway. Also any bank account I have would take 3 days to transfer to hers.

This story has come out in dribs and drabs when she has been able to get on the internet but this is what I have pieced together:

Before she got on the first flight she was raped by 4 men and made a statement with the police who did nothing (so in Oz). They also stole her money which led to her in-transit email to me. No one knows about this other than me and she asked me to not tell Mum.

She got to Prague, stayed with and was lent some money by a friend she met on the plane (and also had sex with on the plane). She was kicked out by said friend so was essentially homeless in Prague but had a pre-booked flight coming up.

She hid her luggage in some bushes, which got stolen but she found them again and this caused her to miss that booked flight.

She got caught busking by the police, swore at them and one of them hit her across the head.

She has slept at the airport for 2 days. A friend from home booked her another flight which she also missed because it didn't include enough of a luggage allowance (easyjet) and she didn't have any money to pay for more.

I was about to pay for another flight to the UK when she was arrested by the airport police for stealing alcohol and they were demanding that she pay a fine before they let her go. The fastest that I could get that money to her was by flying over the next day. This wouldn't be quick enough as the police were demanding the money now etc. via western union.

I called her Dad and he deposited the money in her account as an instant transaction and now she has some cash, has been let go by the police and booked a bus to Amsterdam and I hope the reason that she is no longer online is that she is on it.

My stance has been that I will fly to her and bring her back to the UK with me and she can stay with me until she sorts herself out/heals (?) or I put her on a plane back to Oz.

What would you do? I want to make her go to a doctor and get checked. I want her to call rape crisis and speak to someone about it. I want to hug her and tell her it will be ok. I also want her to grow up and take responsibility, stop lurching from crisis to crisis. I don't want to bail her out. I want her to stop acting without thinking. I want her to stop smoking pot. I want her to finish her degree and get a job and live a calm life. I want to help her but I don't know how.

She is putting on a brave face to all her facebook friends. A bit like a school kid playing up to the teachers with friends cheering her on, but she is 22, and acting up to the police while crying to me about how all the bad things happen to her.

You can use it for phone, video or (typed) instant messages.

I think your sister is mentally ill, probably borderline personality disorder.

I truly hope she will be ok and that if she is now in Amsterdam then she is very close to you now.

She needs real help. I am saddened by those on this thread who believe it's all an elaborate hoax. Chaotic lives are very real.

OP, you have done extraordinarily well to escape your childhood and live as 'normal', I hope your sister can find peace too.

There are (was/still is) well known scams on fb where the 'account holder' (after being hacked) gives off some far fetched story about being stuck/in harms way etc to gain money from friends/relatives. It isn't the account holder, it is the hacker.

And, using western union for the money, is the scammer's method of choice.

I am REALLY concerned that you haven't been able to speak to her to actually verify this is indeed her & not someone who has hold of her log in det/access to her phone number.

And I have used prepaid phones here, and had zero credit, but received calls from the UK.

I didn't realise they now let you skype while in custody... . I am not saying you are making this up, op...but something definitely IS NOT right here!

Alternatively, it could geuinely be her but someone is pressurising her to get money from friends/relatives. I agree that speaking to her in person or even seeing her is essential to rule out the 'scam' aspect. Once you know it is genuinely your sister asking for help, I also agree that you should offer her a safe haven should she ever need it. I really don't see how much more you can do unless she is willing to receive your help .

She sounds like my MIL

The pot exacerbates her personality disorder, but it's the alcohol that puts her in harms way with no inhibitions every time. She has been raped, stabbed, gets robbed regularly. There isn't much you can do. Brief periods of respite staying with us have her climbing the walls within a fortnight and swigging vodka from bottles in Tesco because she simply hates a 'boring' life (we wont allow any drugs when she's with us). I wish I knew the answer for you. She's so young. Has she ever been assessed by a mental health team? When MIL was on medication, she had a very normal couple of years (albeit with consequences from the past turning up now and then) but she wouldn't stay on it

she sounds a bit like my sister- i think she sounds a bit of a drama queen and like she leads a selfish life where she enjoys drama, she is putting you through hell worrying, while all the time probably telling new friends that she comes from a screwed up family to make everyone feel sorry for her.

I think if you like drama you will attract it, maybe she had a highly adrenaline-filled child hood which means that as an adult she likes the adrenaline release of dangerous situations because it feels like normality to her, but at some point she needs to grow up.

I would probably let her hit the bottom and start working her own way out of this bed shes made for her self, you and her dad are trying to get on with life which is hard enough without helping her perpetuate a cycle of dependency.

(If she was raped I am hugely sorry for her and you but until she wants torespect herself enough to get help noting you can do will work)

Svodop

I havnt had time to read all the messages since I posted yesterday, but wondered if this would help.

I helped someone very close through addiction, and learned alot. I do think the behaviour your sister is displaying is the same.

Some people feel very bad about themselves, and get into alot of messes as a result. You know you cant enable them in any way- it just prolongs their problem. I was told once

"do not snatch away from others the opportunity to grow as a result of dealing with the consequences of their mistakes". I found that to be true, the hard way.

BUT that doesnt mean that you need to judge or blame or lecture or advise. And it doesnt stop you from being there for them. And I also found that the carrot works better than the stick. Remind her of some good things about herself- she has them- and tell her that she is capable of change, and that she has some great qualities. She doesnt believe that atm, but she does have.

PS. I aslo found that when young people start to make that sort of change, their maturity has been delayed, so they dont always immediately begin to act their age- they need to pick up where they left off, so to speak. So they are bound to make alot of cockups along the way. Doesnt mean that there hasnt been progress.

She has now updated facebook saying that the first thing she did in Amsterdam is buy 4 joints. " i bought four joints within ten minutes of arriving, so! fcking a, man".

I am so mad at her right now and am considering an email explaining why:

1. I am worrying myself sick and stressing. When I get stressed it increases my chances of having a fit in my sleep and because of this my DP is not sleeping well, and her top priority according to facebook is buying joints. Stress also messes with my blood sugar.

1. Her best friend who bought one of the flights she missed is a uni student and spent most of his weekly wage. If she has money for joints left from the emergency money her dad gave her, she has enough to start paying friends back.

1. And, if the "job" she has lined up doesn't pay as much or work out how she wants, she has wasted money on drugs instead of food and accommodation. So, she will need bailing out again by people she just burned.

I could go on and on. I know that she would just whine about me trying to make her feel guilty. She should feel guilty but really what I want is for her to be responsible.

What kind of reaction does she expect by bragging about it on facebook?

I have just read your story Svodop and it sounds extremely stressful. TBH I probably wouldn't tell her what she's doing to you because she will probably ignore it and then you'll feel twice as bad. I feel like your priority should be not protecting her but protecting yourself.
In your shoes, I would offer her a flight to the UK and a couple of weeks 'decompression' time at your house and then back to Australia. Give her a deadline e.g. you have to be at Schipol on saturday at 1pm. Tell her that if she won't accept your hand then you have to cut contact for the time being until she's willing to be reasonable. If she declines you need to cut her off Facebook and not read her emails or give her money.
The people upthread who said she needs to reach rock bottom are right. She's still pretending its all fun and japes and kidding herself and not dealing with reality. Please look after yourself because it sounds like this could really destroy your health and wellbeing.

Protecting yourself has to be your main priority now - not your self destructing sister.

I would not pay to fly her to the UK as there is no guarantee she would actually board such a flight. She is an adult and her current choices are destructive. You cannot help her unless she wants to be helped and she doesn't want your help.

Good posts, fiveinthree.

You will have to let her reach 'rock bottom' but remember the bottom is in different places for different people, largely depending on the amount of steady support available (soft landing, again.) I agree it's better to remind her of what you love about her, too, rather than how much she's got to feel guilty/ashamed about.

What about this:

I'm trying to say this with a gentle tone as I don't think that you are acting rationally:
You don't have secure accommodation, food or income and your priority is pot?? This is the first thing you do?

You seem to be bragging about this, so I assume you think this is ok and normal behavior? It's not.
You realise that anyone who reads that will assume you are an addict. That's what addicts do. They then get into trouble and ask their friends and family for help again and again and again.
Can't you see how disrespectful this is to those that helped you out (Susie etc). If you have so much cash that you can waste it on drugs then you should be paying her back.
It doesn't matter if it was only 20 cents for the joints, that's now 20 cents you don't have when you need it for food and accommodation.
How do you think your Dad will react if you need cash again, now that he knows what you spend it on?
It looks like you are messed up in the head and are acting up for attention because of it. You should get yourself to a safe place where you can heal and get help. My house can be this place.
Your antics look like common reaction to trauma, usually sexual - drugs, porn industry, becoming super promiscuous. I am considering telling Mum everything I know because I want to do what is actually best for you.
If this is making you feel guilty then good, you should, but this isn't my intention. My intention is to make you stop and think about consequences and about what is really going on in your head.
Sister, you are a lovely young women. You have your whole life to live and write about. You are a great writer. You have a lot to offer and you are only young, you haven't yet developed all your skills and found all of your talents. You are valued and you should take care of yourself and respect yourself.
One last thing - don't do anything you can't undo like crack or heroin! This is a golden rule, don't break this one.

How about ...

Sister, you are a lovely young woman. You have your whole life to live and write about. You are a great writer. You have a lot to offer and you are only young, you haven't yet developed all your skills and found all of your talents. You are valued and you should take care of yourself and respect yourself.

Your actions look like a normal reaction to trauma, usually sexual - drugs, porn industry, becoming super promiscuous. I am considering telling Mum everything I know because I want to do what is actually best for you.

It doesn't matter if it was only 20 cents for the joints, that's now 20 cents you don't have when you need it for food and accommodation.

It looks like you are hurt and are acting up because of it. You should get yourself to a safe place where you can heal and get help. My house can be this place.

My intention isn't to make you feel guilty, just asking you to stop and think about consequences and about what is really going on in your head.

One last thing - don't do anything you can't undo like crack or heroin! This is a golden rule, don't break this one.

? ... and also to remind you that, while you are doing the right thing imo and I'd also try to help someone in this sort of a pickle, your own stability and health must be your primary concern. As they say on planes, don't attempt to help others until you've secured your own oxygen supply.

I doubt very much that she would actually listen to your pleas.

You can indeed remind her that she has much talent but at heart does not believe she does; why would she believe anyone else who tells her otherwise?. Her own childhood from the little you have written about it got seriously screwed up many years prior; there's a whole lot of damage that will take years to undo if it ever becomes undone.

You are her sister and must remain solely her sister. You are not her counsellor, her enabler or her safety net - you cannot act in any of those roles towards her. You must detach emotionally and not look at her FB page.

Attila, I don't really understand this attitude. The people I was in rehab with were all supported by others, else how would they have got there? Young women in this sort of mess die when nobody's looking out for them, you know.

How long has this behaviour been going on and for how long have you been 'rescuing' her. Sometimes you just have to let people find their own way to hell and back. I am not being heartless but I've been in a similar situation and it was only when I stopped propping my sibling up and let go of my need to help, that he regained control of his life and started taking responsibility for his actions.

crystalglasses, I've not rescued her before. I think this behaviour has been going on for a while, but its been happening at home (in Australia and close to other family) so I've not had to rescue her. I've read about it on her blog and thought that she just needs to suffer the consequences and then she will learn. Maybe other family members/friends have been enabling her.

It feels different to me now it is happening over this side of the world in a country where she has no one. I feel that because it is happening over here that I should now be responsible for her. I know that this is wrong.

This is not the time to email her with your concerns about her behaviour.

She's high - on pot, on long-haul travelling, on her 'adventures', on having 'got away with' duping others, and she'll be high on Amsterdam because it is a charming city and unlike anything she will have experienced in Oz.

Until she 'comes down', it'll be wasted effort on your part because she's not going to take any notice of an email that urges caution - especially one that comes from the 'straight' member of the family.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that if you send that email now it may have some impact on her because that simply isn't going to happen - all it will do is put her on notice that you're 'on to her'.

It won't be long before she appproaches you (and others) with another tale of woe necessitating financial bail-out and, at that time, you can make listening to what you have to say in a 'phone conversation a condition of your aid and assistance.

izzywhizzy, I think you are right. This email is more about me wanting to do something (but something that doesn't enable her).

I share your frustration. You can see that, despite her emotional problems, she's a unique and talented individual and you want to sort her out, turn her around, and put her on the right track so that she can lead a fulfilling life - or words to that effect.

But, at the moment, it can't be done because she is not ready to change and, until she wants to change, she's not going to see anything wrong with the way she's behaving - although she may pay lip-service to the views of others when she's in need of money.

She will sink or swim in Amsterdam, or in any other European city she fetches up in, but if you offer her a trip to the UK and a stay in your home at your expense, you will be enabling her to continue her ill-thought out sleazy version of the 'grand tour' of Europe that seems to have become a rite of passage for young Antipodeans.

My fear is that at some point she'll make all the right penitent noises to dupe you into paying for her to travel to the UK and offering a cosy nook and 3 squares so that she can rest up before launching herself on the second leg of her trip - even though you''ll have made it clear, and she will have agreed, that the agenda is 2 weeks max and a return ticket home.

If this comes to pass, I'll give it a few days tops because she needs the buzz, the adrenaline, of drama, and she'll start acting out in your home and, depending on who she meets/what crowd she's able to get into, she's likely to go AWOL in London and you'll be out of your mind with worry.

The way to not enable her is to wait until she crashes and burns in Europe and return her to Oz on a direct flight which gives her no opportunity to go on the lam en route.

I know she's your sister but she's a grifter, honey. Please don't be taken in, or let your heart overrule your head, because you'll be the one that gets burned.

How about saying something like "what do you want to tell your children about when you are sitting with them at bedtime after a warm bath and a story - you can start creating great memories now". Try to get her to visualise her future.

Garlic's email is good. Essentially this is about how she feels and you have to get her to take stock and look at herself and offer her a way out. If what she says is true, she will be deeply traumatised and needs help.

Remember that she doesn't feel your fear - she is numb and fears nothing so telling her about how awful things are won't make any sense to her.

Update - after her facebook page being silent for the weekend I have found out that she was arrested for shoplifting in Amsterdam on Sunday and is now in detention awaiting deportation.

I am now going to do some googling on deportation procedures and call Mum.

Hmm. Might be the best thing. I believe the airfare has to be reimbursed. Good luck with the googling!

Google isn't giving me much help on the deportation process. Do they keep her in detention until someone pays the airfare?

Anyway, she should be safe for the night. I will call the detention centre in the morning and get more information.