Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surely I am entitled to privacy?!

80 replies

FruitloopSalad · 07/11/2011 22:25

DH and I used to leave the bathroom door open... I have recently felt increasingly uncomfortable about this. I now prefer to close it. He has just got the hump because I wouldn't let him clean his teeth while I used the loo.

SURELY this is something about which I am entitled to change my mind? And surely he should respect that?! He already puts EVERYTHING I do into his diary (I must add he doesn't stop me from doing anything - but he likes to know everything I am doing, down to the exact timings of my dentist appointments). Am I not entitled to a little bit of privacy??!!

I've put in here as I think it's more relevant to relationships... But AIBU?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2011 22:28

The loo door isn't nearly as big an issue as the diary, IMO. Just to be clear, he's not doing this because there's any particular need for him to know where you are at a given time, related to childcare etc? When did this itemisation of your daily life start?

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/11/2011 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FruitloopSalad · 07/11/2011 22:31

Nope no reason. He just likes to know. He's not controlling, just a pain!! I've actually started not mentioning what I'm doing because I can't stand that the second I do, out comes the iPhone for all details to be recorded Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitloopSalad · 07/11/2011 22:32

I must say, to be fair to him, that he doesn't ever question anything I'm doing. But I WISH I didn't have to tell him EVERYTHING!!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 07/11/2011 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freeandhappy · 07/11/2011 23:20

Holy god just reading that brings me out in a prickly sweat. How do you bear it? You are entitled to go to the toilet with the door closed! I love it when no-one knows where I am, phone off, accountable to no-one, answerable to no-one. How do you feel about it op?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 07/11/2011 23:24

Has he always been like this, or is could it be something as simple as utter, utter nerdiness ie he's got this gadget that he likes entering stuff into as often as possible?

wannaBe · 07/11/2011 23:27

The fact he doesn't stop you doing things doesn't mean he's not controlling. It's not controlling in the sense that he'll stop you - it's more suttle than that - he needs to know your every move because he needs to be in control of it.

How would he react if you mentioned after the event that you'd done x or y today and you hadn't told him prior?

HauntyMython · 07/11/2011 23:33

YANBU it's quite odd.

ShockinHolyTempers · 08/11/2011 00:02

He records all your movements on his iPhone?

Maybe he is mentally ill, that is not normal.

Hissy · 08/11/2011 00:14

Fooking Nora! Shock ShockShockShock

There is only one FruitLoop I can see OP, and it's not YOU love!

#facetious

that is obscene in it's weirdness tbh! that is categorically ODD

LowLevelWhiiingeing · 08/11/2011 00:18

my thoughts are along the lines of SGVB, is he, ahem, nerdy? that's not a crime, but you either love em or...

itsalladirtylie · 08/11/2011 01:27

perhaps you could try recording everything he does?

Original poster
FruitloopSalad · 08/11/2011 06:52

Not nerdy as such, but definitely likes his gadgets.

Usually I feel like the unreasonable one (I'm always the one that gets wound up, stressed etc, while he is Mr Laid Back - which drives me mad and makes me feel inferior) but this time I do feel in the right!

OP posts:
ComradeJing · 08/11/2011 07:06

How long have you been with him? Did he do this before he got a smart phone with pen and paper or only since? Does he reference your movements when you argue or at any other time (like if you said you were going back to the dr would he ask you why you were going as you were there a month ago at 11:30)?

How is he reacting to you saying you want privacy? Big sulk or like a "I just don't get why you've changed your mind" sulk (though sulking is terrible either way tbh)?

Poor you OP, this is really scary odd behaviour.

Proudnscary · 08/11/2011 07:16

Op, he doesn't have to 'stop you doing things' to be controlling. This is controlling behavioiur. Extremely fucking controlling!
I would tell him - today - that you no longer want him to write down all your arrangements and movements, that you find it suffocating and an invasion of your privacy.
See how he reacts.

venusandmars · 08/11/2011 07:48

It's not necessarily 'controlling' to have a completely different personality type. I presume that he has always used a diary to detail all the activities and appointments of his own life. He may have seen it as a perfectly normal thing for a couple who are sharing their lives, to also detail your activites. Not to control you or manage you, but maybe because to him it seems like a way to have an ordered life. And now there is a wonderful gadget which enables him to do it electronically. Yes it may be an extreme type of behaviour but it doesn't have to be sinister.

Whta is the issue here, is that the OP apparently used to be OK with it, and now is no longer OK with it. So what needs to happen is that they need to discuss it, agree that he does not need to keep her diary for her (and is of course entitled to privacy on the bathroom). Then I guess he is going to need some help and good communication to let go of his old behaviour pattern.

What is not going to be good is if the OP suddenly changes her behaviour and becomes 'secretive' about her activities. Without any explanation of discussion that kind of sudden change would be bewildering to anyone (and he would be on here asking if she was having an affair).

Of course it may be that OP has tried all of this, and that her dp refuses to change, or that he does use the diary to track where she is meant to be and checks up on her, or that despite explanation and discussion he refuses to allow her any privacy. In which case..... yes, controlling.

AgathaCrusty · 08/11/2011 07:48

I am constantly astounded on this site by the things that people try to pass off as normal.

His behaviour is not normal, geek or not. He has no respect for your privacy, no respect for you.

ninjasquirrel · 08/11/2011 08:10

If you want to go to the loo in peace then he has no right to 'get the hump' about it.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/11/2011 08:13

I don't think anyone remotely suggested it was normal. Opinions simply differ on the extent that it may be worrying.

CailinDana · 08/11/2011 08:42

The loo thing is supremely odd and totally not on. If you want to go to the loo on your own, you're perfectly entitled to. Hell, my cat has just discovered a gap in the bathroom floorboards which means she can lounge above a warm pipe and I'm not too happy about having to share the space with her, never mind my DH!

As for the recording your movements thing, that sounds like OCD to me. What would he say if you asked him to stop doing it?

AgathaCrusty · 08/11/2011 08:46

Annie - I would suggest that the OP's husband considers it to be normal, since he does it?

FetchezLaVache · 08/11/2011 09:55

Have you explained to him that you find it a bit weird that he needs to pin down all of your movements? I suspect that's the only way you'll find out whether it's control, or a bit OCD, or just general geekery at play here.

SarahStratton · 08/11/2011 10:10

I'd be making stuff up for him to record in his bloody diary. Really interesting stuff, not just 'went to the shops'.

'At 09.45hrs I went to the zoo and had breakfast with the Tapiar Family.'
'At 11.14hrs I went for a walk with 3 flamingoes and a hyena. Unfortunately, the hyena didn't like the flamingoes, and at 11.41hrs he ate them'

SolidGoldVampireBat · 08/11/2011 10:12

VAM makes a good point: is he in the habit of recording everything he does in the course of the day? For a person to be an obsessive list-maker and diary-freak isn't necessarily about controlling other people's behaviour, though it may be the sign of someone a bit too anxious and anal.

I would also wonder: has he always been like this? And if so, how long have you been with him OP? Because sometimes a partner's behaviours that don't seem too maddening at the start of a relationship start to get on your nerves more and more. I would have been long gone myself as I can't bear having to answer for my movements or having no time to myself. But if he has lots of good points, it's worth sitting him down and talking to him and explaining that you are not a child and you do not want to be monitored.

Swipe left for the next trending thread