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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surely I am entitled to privacy?!

80 replies

FruitloopSalad · 07/11/2011 22:25

DH and I used to leave the bathroom door open... I have recently felt increasingly uncomfortable about this. I now prefer to close it. He has just got the hump because I wouldn't let him clean his teeth while I used the loo.

SURELY this is something about which I am entitled to change my mind? And surely he should respect that?! He already puts EVERYTHING I do into his diary (I must add he doesn't stop me from doing anything - but he likes to know everything I am doing, down to the exact timings of my dentist appointments). Am I not entitled to a little bit of privacy??!!

I've put in here as I think it's more relevant to relationships... But AIBU?

OP posts:

Malificence · 08/11/2011 10:54

I'm a lot bit like OP's husband, I'm the first to admit I'm a huge control freak, DH obviously doesn't mind ( too much) he wouldn't have stayed with me for 30 years if he did, if I get a bit too controlly he laughs and teases me about it. If I annoy him, he tells me, and vice versa but I wouldn't want to live with anyone who would try to change who I am, I am the way I am, he can either like it or lump it basically - if he wanted privacy he wouldn't be with me .
I'd go mad if he locked the bathroom door while he was in the bath for example, but I have no wish to see him on the bog.
I make all sorts of notes in my diary too, I don't need to keep track of DH's appointments etc. he does that himself, but I am a compulsive list maker, you should see my colour coded itinerary for next year's holiday .

buzzswellington · 08/11/2011 12:46

Hmm, I have an alarm bell ringing about him occupying the moral high ground of being Mr Laid-Back, when it's his obsessive cataloguing etc, that is winding you up and stressing you.

It's not laid-back to log your movements and that he's stropping about you wanting time on the throne alone isn't laid-back either. It does sound controlling to me.

wannaBe · 08/11/2011 13:31

I don't think people should lock bathroom doors. But that is because when I was eleven my dad had a fit in the bath (had never had one before or since) and because the door was locked my mum had to smash it down with an axe.

But anyone should be entitled to have a bath/shower/especially go to the loo in private.

There is a difference IMO between putting stuff in the calendar you might need to know about, so for eg I will put my hospital appointments in the family calendar (managed on iPhones) because dh then needs to know he eeds to be around for childcare etc. But gp/dentist appointments I wouldn't need to put in there - I may choose to, but that is entirely different.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 13:32

OP, how can you live like this ?

Malificence · 08/11/2011 14:23

There will be a post along in the near future from a woman whose partner isn't interested in her/her daily life in the slightest, then people will ask why she's with him when he couldn't give a stuff.

If it's not harmful behaviour ( which it doesn't seem on the scant information given) then if his behaviour can't be changed, OP should change the way she deals with it, what's the point of getting all wound up over something so irrelevant? DH knows I'm a nosey mare, if he suddenly started to hide things from me I would be very unhappy, perhaps her husband is just like me and wants to know everything?

I'd far rather a partner be overly interested in my life than not.

I can't see a problem here, if it winds you up, humour him / tease him, if you love him why do you want to change him?

villagegossip · 08/11/2011 14:30

At 09.45hrs I went to the zoo and had breakfast with the Tapiar Family.'

OP please do this!

I really value my privacy and 'me' time away from my OH so this level of monitoring would seriously piss me off - however, it would not have got this far tbh.

Why have you not mentioned it to him before? Or has it only come to a head since the toilet following?

anonacfr · 08/11/2011 14:34

Malificence there's a difference between being interested and demanding to know what time her daily appointments are. I would be v uncomfortable if OH felt the need to record everything I did with my days and at what time I did it.

And everyone deserves the right to shit in private.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 08/11/2011 14:49

I write down most of our movements on the kitchen calendar. If DP plays squash, I need to know, so I can get the dinner started at the right time. If I go to Zumba, vice versa. If he has a doctor's appointment, I need to write it down or I'll forget to ask how he got on [shit girlfriend emoticon]. ( He has a minor, long-term health condition that gets him down without doing him any real harm). If he's got plans at the weekend, I'll make plans that don't require him. If it's his Mum's birthday, he'll get her a card and present, but I need to know, so I don't make plans that clash if we/he will be seeing her.

So, the diarising sounds like a sensible thing. The bathroom thing is a bit stranger, but if you've always had an open door policy and now you've changed your mind, he's entitled to be a bit puzzled and take a while to get used to the idea.

I don't think he's controlling, from what you've posted so far, but I do think you need to have a chat. If you'd prefer that he didn't write down your hair appointment, even if that does mean he won't notice and compliment your new do, he needs to know that.

Malificence · 08/11/2011 14:49

Op hasn't really elaborated on his personality, maybe he he does have anxiety issues and hates for doors to be shut in the house or something?

Maybe he is a controlling knob but nothing she's said ( which is practically nothing at all anyway) points to that.

My DH is off work atm, he goes for a long walk every morning while I'm at work, I like to know what time he goes out and what time he gets back, I take the view that , should anything untoward happen, I would have pertinent information, just like he would know something was wrong if it was more than 10 minutes later than normal coming home time and I wasn't back/hadn't phoned. I don't like uncertainty in anything, it's the way I am and DH accomodates my weirdness , just like I accomodate his funny little ways.
Of all the things to consider as negatives in a relationship, wanting to know every detail of your partners day comes bottom of my list , it's a non-problem in my eyes.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 16:40

Mal, what you do sounds suffocating to me. Not weird, but certainly far TMI about another person for me. I don't have the headspace and quite frankly, as long as my family life runs more or less to timetable ie. people are where they should be within an hour or two, I couldn't give a stuff

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/11/2011 16:46

I like to know roughly what time DH will be home from work so I can fuck off out to the gym

I would like DH to set up a siren when he goes to the loo so we all know to avoid for at least half an hour and use alternative toilet. Coming in unexpectedly after DH is upchuck time.

Other than that, couldn't care less.

MardyArsedMidlander · 08/11/2011 17:54

If your husband really wants to diarize all your movements- rent 'The Lives of Others' for him. perhaps he can start to realise that this is not healthy or normal, and would reduce most people to raving loonies after a while.

MooncupGoddess · 08/11/2011 18:21

The obvious question here is - OP, does he diarize your bowel movements?

Honestly though, it's weird.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 08/11/2011 18:56

Actually, though I would also be inclined to murder a partner like this, Mal has posted enough about how happy she and her H are with their lives, so I think it's fair to say that some people like sharing the utterly fucking thrilling details of their lives with their partners. And no matter how peculiar a behaviour (collecting toenail clippings, calling each other Foofybum, sex with plastic cups) if everyone in the relationship is happy with it, then it's no one else's business. It sounds really as though the OP needs to have a chat with her DP about what sort of boundaries she's comfortable with, and what she needs to stress (and believe ) is that her feelings are just as important as his.

Original poster

FruitloopSalad · 08/11/2011 20:33

Wow.. I can't get on MN during the day and I come back to all these replies!!

To answer some of them: he's not obsessive about it as such. If I didn't tell him he'd be hurt rather than angry. We've always done everything together and I said recently I wanted more space, and he took that personally.

To be fair to him, that was then followed by me saying I wanted a couple of days to think on my own. I was/am going through a period of doubt about my feelings for him. Maybe the loo thing was a reaction to that partly. I still need more space - down to feeling like I can't even lie in bed properly because he is right over my side This sounds really petty but I feel stifled! I still don't know if this is a phase or permanent. The fact that I'm starting to have feelings for someone else isn't helping and is setting alarm bells ringing...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 20:36

oh dear

the OM aside, no wonder you feel stifled, he is mentally and physically imposing himself on you

how pathetic

I would expect you to lose all respect for a partner like this, tbh

(but do get out of this relationship before you embark on any complications, won't you ?)

anonacfr · 08/11/2011 20:39

That would drive me mental.

First step has to be no more diarying of everything you do and locked door in the bathroom.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 20:40

Do you think he has sensed your attentions are elsewhere ? < not a flaming >

A needy individual like this only knows one way to hang onto you, if he has picked up on your distancing from him

It might be best for you to decide once and for all what you really want. It would certainly be fairer on him, as well as you.

garlicBread · 08/11/2011 21:09

I find this quite difficult to see for what it is. I don't think there's anything particularly abnormal about diarising each other's activities (even if only one person does it.) There are some positives to it and I can't think of any actual negatives - provided the non-diarising partner's okay with it, which evidently you were until recently, OP. Likewise, there's nothing abnormal about bathroom sharing. Some folks share, some don't.

What feels odd about it is the way your feelings have changed. Tbh, this might be due to your hankerings after an OM. The way you wrote your 20:33 post sounded more as if you started feeling stifled, then started lusting after OM? I reckon this is an important point. I'd hate to think you were "detaching and blaming" as part of your lead-up to an affair. If you're going to have an affair, have the decency to blame yourself not your husband.

I agree he might be crowding you more at present, in consequence of feeling insecure around you. Not the best approach but we all do it.

Can you try and have an honest think about your sequencing? Are you moving through all the stages of "Not Just Friends", honestly? Or will it help if you sort out a more constrained level of sharing with DH, maybe even at Relate? What do you love about your husband?

Original poster

FruitloopSalad · 08/11/2011 21:09

I know. I am trying... Have been for the past couple of months. I can't tell him as if this turns out to be a phase I'll have ruined it for nothing. But I also know the other man has fallen for me (hard - and he is single). Which doesn't help.

This started as a me ranting thread but has somehow turned into me exposing how much of a mess I have somehow got myself into....

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitloopSalad · 08/11/2011 21:12

Garlic - it's entirely my fault. DH isnt to blame. I started to have doubts before I had feelings for anyone else. I spoke to DH about it, he got very upset, and I didn't want to take it further because I wasn't sure if it was just a phase (as that has happened before).

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 21:24

My crystal ball foresees much shit ahead for you, OP

You have gone quite a way along in this emotional affair you are having, haven't you ?

garlicBread · 08/11/2011 21:25

Oh, bless. Thanks for coming back so quickly! You've done the right thing by talking to DH. Everybody gets upset when their partner says they're unsure of their feelings - but, to be brutal, it's not then your responsibility to make him feel better. Has he not offered to go to counselling, make some changes, anything to try and rectify the issue? You say it's happened before - how did that pan out?

garlicBread · 08/11/2011 21:28

Been trying not say this but ... it's not fair to keep DH on a back burner while you see how your affair goes. You sound more grown up than that

If there were changes in your marriage, would you be prepared to kill off the affair?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 08/11/2011 21:35

OK, so he's picked up on the fact that you fancy someone else and so he is being a Klingon. Unfortunately, the end result is to put you off him even more.
Ultimately, you are not a wicked person for falling out of love with a partner and wanting to move on. You don't owe him a relationship if you no longer want to be with him.
What you do owe him is kindness and courtesy - don't spend ages dithering and going on about how you're 'unsure' if you want to stay with him. That's horrible, because it's putting him in such a helpless, passive position: all he can do is wait for you to choose him or reject him. Can you move out for a few days, stay in a hotel/with friends/with your family? It is hard to sort out what you feel when someone is clutching your ankles, whining and begging - but when you make your decision, make it and stick to it.

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