Surely I am entitled to privacy?!

[FruitloopSalad]

DH and I used to leave the bathroom door open... I have recently felt increasingly uncomfortable about this. I now prefer to close it. He has just got the hump because I wouldn't let him clean his teeth while I used the loo.

SURELY this is something about which I am entitled to change my mind? And surely he should respect that?! He already puts EVERYTHING I do into his diary (I must add he doesn't stop me from doing anything - but he likes to know everything I am doing, down to the exact timings of my dentist appointments). Am I not entitled to a little bit of privacy??!!

I've put in here as I think it's more relevant to relationships... But AIBU?

AF I think you are right. I'm not quite sure how I got myself into this mess. I certainly didn't set out to fall for someone... And it isn't just an 'anyone' - its not like I just got bored and looked elsewhere.

I'm trying so hard to be as honest as I can (realising the irony of that statement!) but I desperately don't want to make the wrong decision. Ive always thought the answer for people in this situation would be really clear and I never thought I'd be capable of this - but now it's happened I'm in turmoil. I feel like a different person - though it was me changing inside that started everything off anyway really.

OK, you might actually be a different person by the time this story's over. It could be what you need, who knows? Whichever way up, it's clear you're champing at the bit for some big changes in your life and have been for quite a long time. DH isn't. Therefore, you are now incompatible.

How does that feel?

I agree with sgb and garlic

make-your-mind-up time

you are making a mug of your husband, and although he is pushing you away with his clinginess, it looks like you are setting him to fail

poor show, OP

nobody has a gun to your head here

don't keep your husband around in case you "make a bad decision"...that is actually twat-speak for "I will keep him on the back burner in case I get my fingers burned with someone new and exciting"

setting him up to fail

you should get the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends"...you are the cliche of the permission-giving adulterer within those pages

Next time you tell him something, and he gets his gadget out, add and on friday at 7pm I will be going to the toilet for a while. See what he does.

Sorry, did not see your latest posts. Did not mean to make such a flippant reply.

But do work out your relationship one way or another before you embark on a new one.

What came first, your dps needyness, or new mans interest in you? And how did you allow that to happen?

I'm not trying to keep him on the back burner. I'm trying to decide whether my feelings for him have changed permanently or temporarily. I know it sounds like I'm keeping him hanging on on purpose, but I can't work out how I feel overnight.

You need to cut out contact with OM, completely

Incidentally - I'm not really one for looking for an 'exciting new man'. I really cannot see how on earth people ever do this for the thrill of it. I don't think I've ever felt so bad, or stressed, in my life! (not looking for sympathy - just trying to emphasise that this isn't me looking for a bit on the side just to liven things up, like I know some people do)

..in order to work out your feelings for your husband

You might want to consider telling him about your feelings for someone else

and that his clinginess is putting you off him

if you want it to be a level playing field, that is

it doesn't matter though does it ?

whether you were "looking for it" or not

nobody had a gun to your head

every little step you took, paved the way for another one

they were all under your voluntary control

be honest here, how far has this gone ?

AF - I can't. Too complicated, too many people involved, couldn't avoid him even if I wanted to - and he's been my best friend for a few years. This just developed without either of us realising where it was going til we'd both got in too deep.

So many obstacles...

define "too deep"

"This just developed without either of us realising where it was going til we'd both got in too deep."

Are you really actually copy-pasting this from the online dictionary of cheesy lines? Your poor partner. Does he actually know all of this so he can decide whether he wants to be with you any more?

Still, you probably win some kind of prize for the most misleadingly vital-detail-avoiding OP ever.

Fruitloop, have you read "Not 'Just Friends'"? It might not be a bad idea to get a copy, read it and then give it to your husband.

It doesn't judge. It will help you stop feeling like you've run helplessly away with yourself and, hopefully, be fairer to both H and yourself.

Wibbly I was the original cynic before this, and two months ago would have probably written that exact post. Believe me, I've been going over exactly these very valid points you have made. (and the post was about the original issue... But then I tried to defend DH because people had him down as a control freak, and it somehow turned into this, because it seemed relevant at the time). If I tell DH it will crush him and I will also lose my best friend - who will also be gutted. I accept that it's all my fault and I need to deal with the consequences, but I'd rather avoid any unnecessary hurt if I can, no matter how much it may seem to you I don't care about that. If I were in his situation I wouldn't want to know until it was unavoidable (ie I were sure about where I'm going...and I've thought a LOT about that). AF - he kissed me and I didn't protest. That's as far as it has gone and will go.

gB, I suggested that book several posts back and suggested OP would find herself within its pages

have you read it, OP ?

do you see why we are suggesting it ?

these things don't "just happen"

it's a process of permission-giving

setting your husband up to fail is a large part of it, and not giving him all the information to know what he is up against is soooo not fair

I wouldn't want to know until it was unavoidable

You've seen all the threads here, where an OP says she just feels her partner is distancing. We say "trust your instincts" because they aren't instincts, they're perfectly valid observations made on a subconscious level. Your H is becoming more clingy, trying to crowd you in. I'd say his 'instincts' are working fine, wouldn't you?

Those OPs, they're in agony ... :(
I understand your distress too, believe me. But - well, you're a nice person so you need to think about the power imbalance you have created here.

Yes, sorry AF, I wasn't trying to shout you down!
As if I'd even dare ...

I never said you didn't care

and you would dare, gB

Caught me out

This is not a problem that will be solved by letting him hear you poo. You need to talk to him.

So you had previous issues with your H being clingy and whiny and suffocating? Sounds like he is the sort of loser who eventually drives partners away; people who are obsessively jealous and terrified of breaches of monogamy frequently cause them because partners get so sick of being checked up on.

And no one ever ever 'wins back' a bored, resentful partner by acting even more desperate than before.