DH is really boring me, very irritated

[witherhills]

been going on for a while now
All he talks about is work, or his next flight or his next holiday.
Constantly organising his own life, doesn't help much with home life or DS
I feel like I've got nothing else to talk about except DS.
I feel like anything nice I do, he is resentful of, he has made comments about me going to the gym or playing tennis. But he is out for lunch all the time, friends and colleagues as well as clients
Massive imbalance in finances too, he spends money like it's going out of fashion, and I'm left trying to balance the books. E.g took DS out for his birthday tea, he couldn't make it(had to work) I got the tube home and he told me off for not getting a taxi.
I'm not going to spend £40 when I can get home on the tube.
We need some more storage, getting toilet removed under the stairs, he's just suggested getting a wine rack! Just thinking of his own wine. Not the pile of paperwork that needs storing, or the ironing board or household stuff.
How can I get him to think about me and DS a bit
more?
Doesn't help that he is probably a workaholic, but moans about work constantly.
He does 12-14 hour days, is shattered and grumpy at the weekend. Doesn't have much patience with DS, which I have to make up for

I'm so fed up. I don't want to live like this
We had weekend away last week, which was nice, but we didn't really have fun, it was just ok

Why are you so short of money love? does he not make sure you have enough?

you need to rebalance this relationship, and the sooner the better, it's not right that you are this unhappy.

It's not right that he criticises you for living either.

I know how isolating life is away from work, and the conversation becomes ALL about one thing, and usually DC.

I don't know what to suggest, but wanted you to know I feel for you. This dynamic sounds horrific.

I am looking for a job, have been for 6 months, 300+ applications, it's soul destroying. I have made new friends at tennis but whenever I talk about that he seems resentful, which is understandable.
I dont just talk about DS, but I feel like that's all he's interested in, he doesn't care about my family or friends really, he shows his disinterest really quickly and starts talking about himself again.
It's so obvious sometimes that it is laughable
He pays for everything, but he has lots of spare cash whereas I don't.
I do have money to spend, but not a lot, whereas he is buying wine and taking taxis and booking f1 tickets. He has the freedom to do that because he earns the money, not me
Remember the thread where dh earned lots of money and didn't want the wife to have a cleaner, that was me.

Why's he going on holiday without you??

Wither

When I read your post I understand you are asking for things to change but I'm not sure exactly how.

Are you looking for more attention from your husband ?
Him to be more interested inDS?
More freedom to have your own hobbies ?
Financial freedom?
Your DH to work less?
More time together as a family ?
Something else?

We do have holidays together, but he does a few trips to watch rugby. He does a lot of long haul work trips too, and organises his days off there, polo, afternoon by the pool etc.

Fawkes- I don't know either, I want him to be a better father, have more patience, I want him to be nicer to me, not lose his temper.
I want us to have a laugh, not just talk incessantly about his work.

We have talked about all of this, but it always just goes back to the same old stuff.
ATM, I'm quite happy for him to be away, Im not that interested in spending time with him, because it's like groundhog day. I'm bored, with him, with my life, with the monotony of being a housewife

I guess couples get a bit bored with each other, but I don't see this changing.
I've asked him to see his GP, a counsellor, but nothing changes
He has anger mgt issues, stressed, I think probably depressed, and a workaholic.
And has the attitude that he is entitled to anything he wants, yet I'm counting the pennies and checking out all the special offers in sainsburys

It's sounds like a miserable situation. The main thing seems to be that you and your DH are living separate lives - he has plenty of money while you're counting the cash, he works while you stay at home, he has trips away while you don't etc etc etc. It sounds like you have nothing in common except DS and even that's a source of conflict.

Do you have separate accounts? I think it would be a lot fairer if you had a joint account and equal access to the money. What would he think of that?

Perhaps he is depressed. Could you sit him down and ask kindly how he's feeling, see what he says? Perhaps he feels under a lot of pressure to provide and has got himself trapped in a cycle of working and whinging.

You really need to get out of the house. Just take any job, however lowly or poorly paid, then you can talk about "your work".

Whatever you do you will find your life has more interest in it, and it makes you a more interesting person, you will have more to talk to him about and a little more cash at your disposal.

When I was a SAHM I know I expected Dh to be full of conversation and be interested in my day when he got in from work, when in reality he was just tired and did not want to engage, (something I came to understand once I started working full time).

You need to realise that the ball is in your court if you want to change things

He sounds horrible. He's always gadding about for work or pleasure, but he resents you going to the gym?
Why is it "understandable" that's he's annoyed if you talk about your new friends from tennis? I don't understand it at all. He should be happy that you have new friends and that you're having a good time.
Why does he have more cash than you? It's not "his" money, it's the family's money. The reason he can work long hours, go on business trips etc is because you are handling the childcare and running the house.

The reason he can work long hours, go on business trips etc is because you are handling the childcare and running the house

this.

I don't understand why he is resentful about what you do either.

But that is a different thing to you finding him boring. You are detaching from each other, and failing to understand and empathise with the other's position. He has been doing it longer, from the sounds of it, but now you are withdrawing from the relationship too, as you are simply not interested in him anymore.

You can try to 'up your game' and make yourself more interesting, have things that you like doing etc.etc. but you also have to try to reconnect with him, and vice versa.

How do his 'anger management' issues manifest themselves?

I think it's awful that he resents your tennis club, when he swans off on rugger trips and has a lavish lifestyle.

I am not actually sure why you are struggling to see what the problem is here

The fact is he does not have a problem, he has a lovely life...why the hell should he persuaded that he needs to change it ?

Spends "his" money as he sees fit

Has a frugal wife who scrimps because he has guilted her into thinking she is worthless because she doesn't bring financial gain to the household

Has boys trips, lunches, socialising, fun fun fun away from the dullness and grind of family life while you do all the shitwork

Pretends to hate working long hours but secretly loves his "single life" while you feel increasingly dis satisfied

he effectively got you to STFU the last time you had a moan at him by making empty promises he had no intention of keeping

no problem here for him

the problem here for you is do you want to live like this forever, because I don't think he is for changing, why would he ?

oh, so many questions!
Have had the worst morning with him
I think he is about to crack up

Firstly, I have applied for all sorts of different jobs once I realised my perfect job wasn't out there. Temp jobs, Christmas sales jobs, nothing.

We have talked and talked about this, calmly and otherwise!
He knows how stressed, angry he is and he knows that things have to change otherwise he will lose me. However I think he takes comfort in the fact that as I don't have a job, I can't really go anywhere(in his eyes).
But like I said earlier, nothing changes. He needs to get help, serious help.

This morning he was going away on a business trip. He got home last night at 11pm( he was in work, don't speculate!)
We went to bed at 1am, and he got up at 4.30 as he had to complete some documents, do a bit of admin( for the trip) and then pack.
He huffed and puffed and sighed when I didn't get up with him, then at 7am, he said he needed some help( he needed me to scan some stuff)
All hell broke loose.
He ranted and raved about the forms he had to fill in, the suitcase, some frequent flyer/hotel card he couldn't find, everything going missing in this fucking house, the dry cleaners, the children making the floor dirty so he couldn't fold his shirt, DS's birthday toys still being out(party was only on Sun)I got the wrong trainers, what time DS had to be in nursery, the printer, the scanner,
And when I say ranted and raved, I mean shouting and swearing and pushing chairs.

When I asked him not to swear, because DS would pick it up, he said "well maybe then someone (me, I'm guessing) would realise how stressed and tired I am.

this is what stress and pressure does to him, he is out of control.
Sporadically through this, he thanks me, as I am finding tshirts, sunglasses, board shorts, cufflinks, and for the washing I did for him yesterday to get him ready.

We have discussed us breaking up, as we can't seem to make it work, and it always ends with it just being another pressure on him.

Weevils to some degree I think it is understandable that if you are in a high pressure job that you hate, it's a bit galling to hear about your wife's leisurely day playing tennis or at the gym. Because that is all he would hear, not the million things I did before or after for the house/family

Nagoo yes I am disengaging, usually the debacle this morning would have upset me, I don't really care now, i'm just glad he's on the plane!

AF spot on, say no more. although he does really hate the job, but there are parts of it he loves, wining and dining the clients for one!
What I have to decide is how long I give him to make an effort, but ultimately I don't think it is going to happen

The job is a nightmare, but I reckon 85% of it, is him being a perfectionist and a workaholic. 15% is too much work.

The money situation is ridiculous, his salary gets paid into his account, then he transfers into the joint account. It covers everything, and I often ask him for cash, or to transfer more, but you can see him rolling his eyes.
Any time the money situation comes up, it always ends in a row.
But he has this really wierd attitude. He looks at the joint account, sees it looks healthy, and then a week later gets annoyed cos it's all gone. Er yes, the mortgage went out, and the car payment and the insurance.
Same with coins that he leaves in the car, for me to use for parking. He gets annoyed if its empty... er yes, I used them, did you just want them to stay there?!!
And don't you wonder how the food gets paid for, or the clothes your son has?

I don't think this is going to end well. I think it is time I gave up on him
I'm not worried about me, or even DS really.

But I am worried about his mental health. but then if I stay for much longer, my own mental health is going to suffer. I have already been to the GP to discuss this anxiety/stress of my own

You wonder how you get into this situation, it just all becomes normal.
If any of you had seen DH this morning, you would have been astounded.

Oh and then he offered to pay me for taking him to the airport.
I told him that was demeaning, he said he didn't mean it that way

He's away for over a week now
I went to waitrose before and bought some yummy food!

jeez, that's long, sorry!

oh, and when I told him first thing that I had a really sore throat ( been getting worse for 2 days) he said "fine, I'll get a taxi then"
nice and caring

I could not live like that

Wither I was on your thread about the cleaner.

Your husband is using his job as an excuse for being a total git to you. He doesn't love you, or your son I don't think.

There is no way on this earth that my DH would take holiday while he was abroad for work and not have me and the DSs with him, no way. When he has to travel he goes and comes back as quickly as possible because he misses us.

Go and get yourself a solicitor and divorce him, then you will have your own money in your own bank account and can do as you please.

I would have taken the money upfront and driven him to the airport and, once he was out of the car, I would have told him it was a one way trip and not to bother getting a cab back home after his return flight landed.

This man needs a mega-decibel wake-up call.

While he's away get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in family law.

Alternatively, download a divorce petition, fill it in yourself, and email it to him while he's away.

No AF, I can't either.
Alibaba, he's not actually on holiday whilst on a business trip, just has the odd afternoon off, and its the middle East, so the weekends are different. And he does usually do it quite hard, lots of meetings, lots of countries, lots of flights. But is managing to go to F1 while he is there. I wish I had kept the cleaner thread, I got myself really worked up about him seeing it because I told him I did a poll online to see if he was being unreasonable.

I have seen a solicitor before
If I had a job I would be in such a better position.
I know he will have to pay for house and DS, and I know it would be substantial, but how do I get him to leave?
This is where I think he is actually delusional, he will think it will all be ok
It would be so much easier if i could just leave

If he won't leave, you get him to leave by obtaining an occupation Order and a non-molestation Order (injunction) if necessary.

If you want to leave, you call Women's Aid's national helpline 0808 2000 247 and talk about how intolerable your married life is with a view to taking ds and going to live in a refuge/safe house until you can sort out alternative accomodation.

Do you want stay in the marriage if he's willing to change? If so, you're going to have to use shock tactics to get him to see how unreasaonable he is being.

Do you have family/friends that you and ds can stay with for a few days so that you can be absent when he comes home to find you gone and a note on the table?

It seems to me that he's treating your home like a hotel, with you as the cleaner/maid/porter/receptionist etc. and that ds is an inconvenience to him - a kind of noise nuisance that spoils his sleep, gets in the way of him relaxing etc.

It also seems to me that you've allowed your unemployment to eat away at your self-esteem and you've become downtrodden when there's absolutely nothing untoward about being a sah parent.

If you weren't there to apply oil to the wheels of his life and take care of his child, what would he do?

I remember your previous thread. I've no great words of wisdom, but would echo your own comment - when you're in a bad situation sometimes it is hard to see the wood for the trees as the crap becomes what feels 'normal'. But it sounds like you are unhappy and want a better deal out of life for yourself and your son.

I could go to my family, but they are miles away, and DS has nursery and his life here.
What are womens aid going to say?
And how am I ever going to get sorted financially? I'm sure they don't give out benefits or accommodation to women whose husbands earn lots of money.
He absolutely knows he is being unreasonable, he apologies all the time, and thanks me(verbally) for sticking with him, putting up with him, says he couldn't do it without me, blah blah.
But he does nothing
I feel very sorry for him, he definitely needs help, and I think he's going to end up ill.

Remember the thread where dh earned lots of money and didn't want the wife to have a cleaner, that was me.

Oh. I don't need to read any more. No matter what words come out of his mouth (or yours), he sees you as domestic staff and treats you contemptibly.

Please follow Izzy's advice. Just get started.

Who's to say Womens Aid won't have any advice for you? Do you think only poor people suffer domestic abuse? You know differently now, don't you ...

Go for it, please. One step at a time.

Getting sorted financially: this will happen in due course, thanks to our legal system. You can make a nice, big donation to Womens Aid when you gt 60% of his millions.

Meanwhile, steal money. It's not stealing anyway; all marital assets are jointly and equally held.