DH is really boring me, very irritated

[witherhills]

been going on for a while now
All he talks about is work, or his next flight or his next holiday.
Constantly organising his own life, doesn't help much with home life or DS
I feel like I've got nothing else to talk about except DS.
I feel like anything nice I do, he is resentful of, he has made comments about me going to the gym or playing tennis. But he is out for lunch all the time, friends and colleagues as well as clients
Massive imbalance in finances too, he spends money like it's going out of fashion, and I'm left trying to balance the books. E.g took DS out for his birthday tea, he couldn't make it(had to work) I got the tube home and he told me off for not getting a taxi.
I'm not going to spend £40 when I can get home on the tube.
We need some more storage, getting toilet removed under the stairs, he's just suggested getting a wine rack! Just thinking of his own wine. Not the pile of paperwork that needs storing, or the ironing board or household stuff.
How can I get him to think about me and DS a bit
more?
Doesn't help that he is probably a workaholic, but moans about work constantly.
He does 12-14 hour days, is shattered and grumpy at the weekend. Doesn't have much patience with DS, which I have to make up for

I'm so fed up. I don't want to live like this
We had weekend away last week, which was nice, but we didn't really have fun, it was just ok

I didnt mean that no. I meant is there a strong reason ur not leaving him?

Heres wot a friend once sed 2 me, u should try it too

if u came on here & read someone else saying wot u r saying..wot advice would u give 2 them?

Hi Witherhills, (namechanged for this)
Your post has really resonated with me. You are me a year ago with similar acting husbands. The relief I felt when I asked him to go and he went, at the beginning of the year, was immense. I felt guilty that I was splitting up a family (I have three children) but I just couldn't cope with the situation any longer. I was getting chest pains with the stress.
I worry how my children are going to take the situation. I did a very good job covering for him and to them I am the one who instigated the split so will be blamed probably. I have written down how you feel and what has happened during the marriage because down the line your memory will not be so accurate and you will find it hard to justify to yourself why you did what you did. Almost a year on, I still have to go back to my notes to remind myself that yes it really was that bad.

Should have previewed the previous message sorry. Hope you understand it.

kicker
thanks for that
I know what you mean
I forget.
I know that sounds really unbelievable, but I do.
He has done and said some truly horrible things, but i have forgotten about them
how has your ex been since the split?
I'm so glad you did it, and felt that relief!

can someone kindly 'have a word' with jimmijam wrt the txtspk? [itchy teeth] [stabby]

wither, we all forget. If we remembered it all, we'd implode.

it's a coping strategy. helps us keep going, helps us manage the status quo. it comes out over time, but you can deal with it bit by bit. You HAVE to deal with it, you can't keep it bottled.

1. Make the move.

You can do this with the help and support of Women's Aid. Your health visitor may help too as can your GP.

1. Settle. Allow yourself and your family the space to recover, heal and learn what living without tyranny is all about.

1. Once the initial shock/adrenaline has worn off, look for RL long term help. there are abuse support services all over the country, the freedom programme is good. Reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft helps too.

WRT telling the kids. I am unwilling to shoulder the blame for my X. Why on earth should my son grow up thinking I did this?

I didn't. Not a jot of it.

Also don't want DS thinking that his dad is a good male role model to follow either. I need DS to know that if a man treats his partner like that, there are consequences.

If you need help with taking that tone, WA, health visitor etc can help.

Sorry i didn't mean to offend anyone (quietly leaves thread whilst wishing opener the best of luck)

It wasn't what you wrote, jimmijam, it was the txtspk! No need to leave :)

Hi winterhills,
Initially he did seem to take on what I was saying but over the last few months he has started to blame everyone else but himself for our marriage imploding. Having too many children, him being too young etc. etc. (never accepting that it was his twattery that led to it.)
Things are cordial and polite. I think he's relieved too in a way. He gets to live the life of a single man now for real! I know he misses the children and they him but life is much calmer and nicer without him here.
I am just waiting for us to be separated for two years then I will go for a divorce.

Soon as he moved out, no more chest pains. Funny that!

jimmijam Come back, I was only mucking about! text speak is MN crime of century

jimmijam, I don't mind the textspeak, I appreciate any advice!
What advice would I give? Maybe give one last ultimatum, a last chance for him to get help? But really what's the point, I will never be able to forget some of the things he has said and done.
He has ruined a lot of events, birthdays, holidays. I have all these memories, that should be good memories, but I am instantly reminded of something he said or did at that time.
started to write examples, but just sounds stupid

Hissy, i think one of the things i am scared of is him being left alone with DS wrt custody. Nothing sinister at all, but I just don't want DS to think that his daddy is wonderful. I can protect him now, but if I'm not there, will DH stop swearing? being angry at people? shouting? who will be the moral one?! And of course the lack of patience worries me.

I'm not sure I believe you're serious about doing anything about this situation. You had a lot of good advice last time. You are letting him get away with his behaviour. You only seem to want to see obstacles to actually doing anything. So OP are you here for a rant or to take some concrete steps forward?

I just don't want DS to think that his daddy is wonderful. I can protect him now, but if I'm not there, will DH stop swearing?

I'm puzzled! Did you mean you DO want DS to think his father IS wonderful?
If you did, I question your wisdom on that. You'd be saying you want your son yo idolise and emulate a man who treats women with rudeness and contempt, selfishly imposes his moods on others and behaves arrogantly.

If you meant what you typed: where's the problem? DS will get to know his father for who he really is, forming his own opinions as he grows and develops a (hopefully) better set of values.

What last time pickaday?
I can't go on like this, I have to change something, but I don't know how strong I am. I dont mean to waste anyone's time here, I'm just looking for help and advice.
I'm sorry if I haven't said "yes mn, of course you're right, I will pack my bags right now" but it's not that easy, it's really not

Gb, no I meant I worry about dh being a role model for DS. The last thing I want is for DS to think his behaviour is acceptable.
Dh can also be very charming and DS naturally does love his father.

Phew! Yes, all children love their parents, even ones who end up killing them - it's hard-wired. Right there, you've got another fabulous reason for relegating H to the back bench: DS will be less exposed to the toxic emotional environment, learn a FAR healthier lesson about not putting up with disrespect from your example, and you'll have opportunities to involve him in a wider variety of relationships with different kinds of people. All parenting factors weigh in favour of divorce :)

I've forgotten, are you seeing a therapist/counsellor? If you haven't yet got the bottle to seek separation advice, counselling should help you figure yourself out more clearly.

Mind you, I say "find the bottle!"

You sound a lot like my mother and father. In the end probably my dad was not quite abusive enough (if you see what I mean) to really give my mum great reason to leave. She hung around. They lived a kind of separate life under the pretence of him commuting for work from another city. She was totally financially dependent on him. The older she got the more incapable she became of getting a job.

My mum's saving grace was the arrangement of living in separate cities. She still had a nervous breakdown and in my view wasted away a lot of her life, unfortunately.
She comments to this day how 'thank goodness in her generation there wasn't this expectaion of equal marriages and all always having to live under the same roof being one big happy family'. !?!!!???

I grew up witnessing violent arguments, shouting, things being thrown around. I've never really delved in to it, but I was really quite sad for most of my childhood, never really knowing why. My mum has no idea, she's still of the 'Oh well, at least you never really suffered for it' school of thought. My brother who is quite a bit older than me got the brunt of it cos the younger my dad was the worse he was. My brother has had a nervous breakdown and spent a fortune on psychiatrists.

I only know of my dad physically attacking my mum once, maybe twice in the whole marriage, so not the kind of systematic abuse you say is more of an emergency situation.

I never knew any better, so obviously I love my dad, and it's amazing what older age has done to him in terms of mellowing!

But if there is any chance that you can change this for you dc then their life would be so much the better for it.

The problem with your situation is that it just doesn't sound quite bad enough in your mind, in comparison with what many other people go through. But it's bad enough, if not for you also for you dc.

I remember your thread recently where he kicked off at you about his suit trousers. Please tell me you aren't still trying to conceive?

suit trousers?
sounds like him
see i can't bloody remember

results from fertility clinic were pretty bad, so that's not going to happen.
hurts a lot

justonemorethread- that's one of the arguments I make, that it will be better for DS if we split. DH won't have it

Oh love . I'm sorry- things sound so difficult for you at the moment. It can change though, honestly.

DH won't have it

God, Wither, you're not trying to get his permission to divorce, are you?

Of course he won't accept his presence is detrimental to his son, even if he knows it underneath. No-one admits that. Neither will he cheerfully set you, his underpaid and abused staff, free. He just isn't a nice, caring person, is he?
It might be time you gave up expecting him to be somebody else ...

Do you have access to the money in the joint account? If so get a load of it out as cash over the next few weeks/months. Keep it hidden and safe.

Keep a diary of all that happens every day. This will help keep you focussed. When trying to tell other people about what has been happening you can read out excerpts, you won't be having to actively remember everything (while your brain tries to forget it all).

When you are ready, visit a solicitor or WA and explain what has been happening.

Have important documents/clothes packed away somewhere. Maybe move these to a friend's house or to your parents. They don't need to know yet what is in the bag.

Eventually you will have the funds to keep you and DS for a month or two and you will be ready to move on.

Unless you start preparing you will never be ready.

Of course in a crisis just walk away- but if you want an organized and quiet move preparation is paramount.

I just found that thread LeBOF, exactly the same kind of thing.
I'm making excuses for him there.

Explodes at something inconsequential, rants and raves, abusive, nasty. all stemming from stress and tiredness, usually about work.

then nothing happens
which is my fault, cos I haven't bloody done anything about it.

he's not talking about it because he just wants it to blow over
And I'm not talking about it because I don't want it to blow up again

That was end of Sept
TBF, since then we have had visitors every weekend, then he was away for a week, then visitors again for DS's birthday weekend

Right, fuck this
pathetic woman, do something
anyone know a good solicitor in south London?