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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is really boring me, very irritated

91 replies

witherhills · 07/11/2011 21:21

been going on for a while now
All he talks about is work, or his next flight or his next holiday.
Constantly organising his own life, doesn't help much with home life or DS
I feel like I've got nothing else to talk about except DS.
I feel like anything nice I do, he is resentful of, he has made comments about me going to the gym or playing tennis. But he is out for lunch all the time, friends and colleagues as well as clients
Massive imbalance in finances too, he spends money like it's going out of fashion, and I'm left trying to balance the books. E.g took DS out for his birthday tea, he couldn't make it(had to work) I got the tube home and he told me off for not getting a taxi.
I'm not going to spend £40 when I can get home on the tube.
We need some more storage, getting toilet removed under the stairs, he's just suggested getting a wine rack! Just thinking of his own wine. Not the pile of paperwork that needs storing, or the ironing board or household stuff.
How can I get him to think about me and DS a bit
more?
Doesn't help that he is probably a workaholic, but moans about work constantly.
He does 12-14 hour days, is shattered and grumpy at the weekend. Doesn't have much patience with DS, which I have to make up for

I'm so fed up. I don't want to live like this
We had weekend away last week, which was nice, but we didn't really have fun, it was just ok

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 22:41

I think you will end up ill

You have already stopped noticing you are being abused in your marriage

Original poster

witherhills · 08/11/2011 22:59

I know that AF. I know it's not right, I know I don't deserve it.
I know what it's doing to me.
It just takes time to figure it all out and give up on him

OP posts:

ChickenLickn · 08/11/2011 23:55

stop doing things for him

dont get up to help him out

until he puts all the salary directly into the joint account. it is family money, not his.

You can then arrange equal amounts to go into personal accounts.

then find yourself a nice boyfriend

Hissy · 09/11/2011 00:03

oh wither. what can I say love?

Please end this, please stop him doing this to you?

use this week wisely, get informed, get ready.

Original poster

witherhills · 09/11/2011 10:51

chickenlickn- I do these things for him, to make my life easier. If I didn't help him out, he wouldn't get anything done
I don't think I do anything more than a normal loving couple would do, it's just that he doesn't deserve it

was feeling quite positive yesterday
very unmotivated this morning

OP posts:

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 09/11/2011 11:32

You need to worry more about yourself and less about him. You've been fretting about his mental health all through this thread. But however stressed he is, that's no excuse for using you as a verbal punching bag. He chooses to do that rather than actually address the causes of his stress or finding another, reasonable way to deal with it. He's emotionally and financially abusing you. And he's not going to stop.

Beamur · 09/11/2011 11:33

Would you feel less taken for granted if you had equal access to the money coming in?
My DP and I had separate accounts and mine was taking much more of a hit with household expenses than his and it was really winding me up, but we sorted out a joint account and it has made the tension between us over money go. He earns double what I do, but I work part time, if I were full time it would be similar. But he is very laid back about money and sharing and has no problem with me spending his money - as it is all 'our' money really, going on what we all need.

Original poster

witherhills · 09/11/2011 14:16

Beamur, your question has made me realise that's it's not just about the money, although thats a big part of it.
It's the little digs that go with it.
When he's annoyed, here's some typical comments

I'm the one who has up get up at 5am, yet my towel is always wet
I've been working 14 hours, I hope you had a nice time at tennis
It's his whole attitude, he thinks he is more important because he works, or maybe he just thinks he is more important full stop.
He has become very arrogant

OP posts:

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 14:42

There's only one to deal with arrogance and that's to take him down a peg.

Can you not take yourself off to spend a very long weekend with your family leaving a note on the table for him? An empty house and empty fridge on his return will be a surprise, if nothing else.

I'm sure there'll be no shortage of volunteers to help you with the wording of the 5 page list of demands note.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 14:54

He sounds like he thinks he is the boss of the household

HappyCamel · 09/11/2011 15:02

Can you take a break away somewhere? Stay with friends or family with DS. Let him miss you and try cooking, washing clothes etc without you? That might be a wake up call.

I wish you all the best.

Beamur · 09/11/2011 15:03

It sounds like he just thinks about himself. Full stop.

garlicBread · 09/11/2011 15:05

I'm in favour of doing a short-term runner, too, Wither. Can you organise something for yourself and DC before he gets back? Make sure there's no pre-cooked food and the towels are damp!

As they say, you don't know what you've got till it's gone ...

Hope you're still enjoying this week :)

Original poster

witherhills · 09/11/2011 18:34

i've avoided his calls today, I can't be bothered pretending
I need to get my act together and figure out how to do this
i don't really want to get my family involved, although they would be 100% supportive
my sister was here for his rant the other morning, she actually commented the night before that he seemed a bit better. He did make an effort over the weekend for DS's birthday.

OP posts:

garlicBread · 09/11/2011 19:09

He did make an effort over the weekend for DS's birthday.

Oh, hurrah What's that, a day and a half of civility paid for with a bullying, whining rant? Lucky DS, huh.

Come on, sounds like your family will be putting out bunting for you.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 20:58

if your family would be 100% behind you, what are you vacillating for ?

they are 2 steps ahead of you, yes ?

Original poster

witherhills · 09/11/2011 21:12

because I can't stay with my family indefinitely, in fact, not even a week. They would be fine with it, but they are hours away, our life is here.

And I don't have that much confidence in getting DH to leave, and I don't have money to go anywhere else
This is not an emergency situation, there are people out there in need of places in shelters.

I think my best bet is to see a solicitor and let DH know I mean it.
But I don't have money for a solicitor! I know they give free advice, I've had that. But if I need help getting him out ( legal help) how do I pay for it?

OP posts:

garlicBread · 09/11/2011 21:18

You can't unless he's been violent.

I agree, if you serve a divorce petition he will know you mean it.
He may also start hiding assets - have you got up-to-date info?

It's fairly usual for separating couples to have to share the home until that stuff gets sorted out - horrid, but there it is. It might not make a whole lot of difference in your household, though ... except that you're not allowed to cook for him, do his laundry or share his bed (so might even be an improvement from your pov!)

There is more to Womens Aid than shelters. I don't understand why you won't ring them for expert advice?

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 21:33

witherhills, I know all you see at the moment is obstacles

but tell me this

how do many thousands of women get away from inadequate relationships every year ?

I know your situation is unique to you but it really isn't very out of the ordinary

if you wanted to enough...you could extricate yourself

like all those other women did

why do you think you , in particular, cannot do it ?

Beamur · 09/11/2011 21:57

Your DH sounds a lot like my Dad - and you, a lot like my Mum. She finally decided after nearly 20 years of marriage that she did not want the next 20 years to be more of the same. She calmly told my Dad she had had enough, he didn't believe her at first, but he did in the end. They have now been divorced for about 15 years and are both much happier for it. If anything she wishes she had done it sooner as her self esteem has taken such a battering - he too had a rather superior attitude and thought himself 'better' than her as he was more educated, earned more money etc..
I guess you need to think about whether this relationship can be mended and if not, how long are you going to tolerate it?
You have my sympathy as this is such a hard thing to go through - especially if you don't have much support.

jimmijam · 09/11/2011 22:15

A week away sounds good. Dc will b fine without nuraery for a few days, esp if it means theres a chance of parents being in a happier relationship or @ least 2 c u much happier, ul have space & support 2 think things thrujv

unless....
Theres something strong keeping u there!?
Sorry 4 typos my phones rubbish

Original poster

witherhills · 09/11/2011 22:18

AF, I don't know. I hate confrontation, and he could turn very nasty. He's very good at talking me round. Or maybe I'm just not that strong.
It's fine on here, giving advice, I do it all the time. But when it's your own life, it's not that easy somehow

Beamur- 20 years is a life sentence. I've done 5, that's enough.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 22:21

"he could turn nasty"

and that is a reason to stay ?

I think that is a reason to end this

I know "giving advice" is easy

and I don't have to live your life

neither do you

Original poster

witherhills · 09/11/2011 22:26

I don't mean he will hurt me, I mean he would fight dirty
jimmijam, there's no-one else if that's what you're thinking?

I have actually finally started to feel part of something in London, mainly to do with DS and his nursery/friends. But for the first time, I might actually meet someone I know on the street, say hello, chat, make friends or go for a drink.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 22:29

"he would fight dirty" is hurting you

just because he may not stuff his fist down your throat, doesn't mean he isn't hurting you daily

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