husbands being mentally abusive

[cattjojo]

I had to call 999 and go to the police station for a domestic today and although myself and the policeman decided that pressing charges against my husband would not be in anyones best interest, he decided more support as a family would be beneficial instead. There has been a series of mentally abusive episodes and the odd occasion of physical violence, but (please don't think i'm excusing his behaviour) there has been a great deal of on going stress in the family and a current situation which has led to the events. One particular thing was that I tried to take my life in June, and although the crisis team were notified, we were pretty much left to get on with it, despite requests that i was not coping and needed support.( I was however issued with a personal midwife from the mental health team as i found out i was pregnant shortly after.) The policeman has put us down as a high risk family, no risk to children, but possible risk of future violence if help is not given, so that this will hopefully speed up the process for gaining help. Obviously SS will be in touch as matter of procedure. I just don't know what will happen next. There is part of me that is scared they will find fault with me, or take the children away. I am just so hoping they will be there for me and support us as a family, it's all i've ever asked for. i can't afford marriage counselling, i have had to cancel the 5 counselling sessions my doctor organised as i don't have childcare and can't afford any, and i have limited my help by refusing to take any sort of psychotic medication. I don't even feel depressed or particually down, it's just the constant dig, dig, dig and goad, goad , goad from my husband that gets to me sometimes and i just want to get away from it all. I feel like there is only so much i can take sometimes.

didn't want to read and run, someone will be along soon to help you.

this isn't your fault.

Why did you decide it wasn't in your best interest to press charges?

Tell the mental health workers helping you that your partner is abusive. They will support you in getting rid of him at least temporarily so you can recover. Talk to Women's Aid and the DV unit. People who have abusive partners often display symptoms of mental illness, it's a perfectly reasonable reaction to living with someone who bullies and mistreats you.

OP do you want to get rid of your H?

why cant h do the childcare while you do one on one counselling?
you need some counselling if you tried to take your life.

your h should be helping you ni this - if he isnt and is abusvie etc then really you need to think about some kind of separation

stress is no excuse for any kind of violence towards you.

SS can help you - eg can provide childcare for you to go to counselling
can support you to separate etc.

Can you tell us what he did?

So its your husband that's driving you into feeling like you can't go on, and then he continues to goad you :(..

I think you need to call womansaid soon as for some proper help... to help you see there is a way out of this x

You are not going mad. Your children won't be taken from you.

One in four women experiences domestic violence at some time in their life, with two women per week killed by their current or ex-partner.

Women are victims of 70% of domestic incidents

Of women subjected to domestic violence in any year, one in nine sustains injuries serious enough to require medical attention

10% report being knocked unconscious and 5% sustain broken bones

Domestic violence is a factor in one in four suicide attempts by women

oh and another one: A study by the National Children's Homes Action for Children (1994) found that 75% of mothers subjected to domestic violence said their children had witnessed it

Your family is HIGH RISK due to HIS treatment of you all. Your depression is most likely due to his abuse of you. Children growing up in a DV/Abusive environment are deemed as being directly abused.

YOU ARE NOT THE ABUSER HERE, but you staying with him will perpetuate the abuse against you AND your DC. If there IS any talk of removal of DC it will be because YOU don't leave this man.

mental abuse - IME - is worse than physical violence. Bruises, broken bones can be treated/healed. Emotional wounds never heal, they only fester.

You need to call WA, you need to make movements to get your H out of your life and you need to start talking to Dr, the Police DV team, your HV, anyone and everyone to build a paper trail to corroborate the facts in your life.

You could do with counselling, but tbh, i worry that until you remove the font of all poison in your life, your H, that therapy will achieve nothing, only give you coping mechanisms so you can withstand more and more and more abuse.

Give it up, he will not change unless YOU make a point and get him out of your life. anything less, he'll take as permission to carry on as he is, and infact he will get worse and worse and worse.

cut your losses now, while you still can. You have a choice, you have options and you have a whole raft of organisations set up to help you, support you and protect you.

There is no need to leave my husband or seperate. It's not a constant thing, just a situation that has come up because of the things that have been going on. My husband desperatly needs support and although we have asked and asked, it has not been given. I didn't come on here to get advise on leaving him. He is not a bad man at heart, he is just making some really bad decisions at the moment. I have been violent and shouted at him also, does that make me an abuser too and warrant my arrest????

We were put at low risk on the risk assesment, but when i was crying and said i needed someone to help, the policeman put it at high risk (risk of future violence if help is not given), so that we might finally get some. I have had no support what so ever so far (apart from midwife and the counselling which i can't go to) I don't see the mental health team.

My husband has never gone out of his way to hit me, the violence has always happened after i have reached the end of my tether and have retaliated. We have both been at fault. The mental abusive behaviour is what has made me feel so low. When we argue, i never say anything personal, i think the worst i have said is "i hate you" and " i can't believe what a horrible man you have become" My husband is quite personal, says degrading things, swears and insults me. I cope by walking away from the situation, my husband can't let a situation go. That's what i mean by goading. I ask for space, i say i can't deal with it and for him to stop and he keeps going on and on, following me. I then become out of control. I was sexually and mentally abused as a child, so struggle when people don't listen to my needs, i feel very out of control when my husband doesn't listen when i say for him to give me space.

I behaved in a similar way to him when i was younger, i think part of his behaviour is because he is still a bit immature. He is younger than me and has only been a father for 19 months. He also has similar traits to his mother, who i feel is actually quite critical of her husband. Trying to kill myself hasn't helped, he always follows me around after an arguement because he thinks i'm going to do it again. This makes me feel i am being controlled and smothered and i want to run away. He also has many issues at the mo.

My husband is being really bullied at work at the moment, he is belittled, set up for cruel pranks, locked in containers, he is lied about, his stuff is stolen, lights are turned off when he is on the toilet and he is locked in (it is a warehouse with no windows so pitch black) he also has problems with his mum and dad which have broken his heart, he suffers from IBS (which is brought on by an anxiety disorder), he sometimes soils himself at work when he is stressed, which causes further bullying. He is afraid of the dark because we had an attempted burglery at night and they were trying to get in (this makes him feel like a baby) He is so stressed he has chewed his tongue and his popped his jaw out of alignment through grinding his teeth so much. He was off work for 12 weeks due to an ear infection (meant he couldn't drive machineary due to blackouts) and we had to live on £80 sick pay a week, we got into debt and he now feels a failure as a man and a provider. His boss is trying to give him the sack and i think he also has depression.

Can you see how things have changed his behaviour? I'm not condoning it, nor am saying it's ok to speak to people like this, to degrade or goad. Just that he needs help too. I think he is heading for a breakdown.

I was just posting about my concerns with the SS. I so want their help, but i am scared they might accuse me of something or invent something up about me which might cause the kids to be taken away.

my counselling is during the day and mu husband is at work. I don't have a friends or family network to help with childcare. I'm also limited to school time as i have to be home for when my eldest finnishes from school. My husband would have no problem with childcare if he was able to help.

Erm, yes, yes there is reason for you to leave your husband and separate. He is abusive right?

He is mentally abusing you he does not need to do this every day.

You are now being refereed as high risk to ss by the police. They will not have the children in a household where this is allowed to continue. They will deem the children to be at risk, I'm afraid.

The referral states risk of violence, THEY WILL see the children as at risk, no matter what the police say. Keeping the children in a household where emotional and physical violence are present or a risk is abusive in itself.

You need to realise this, as it may help you lift the fog. They may ask he leaves for while, to help you both.

If his work situation is as bad as you say then it is no surprise at all that he has lost all his boundaries. His abuse of you could well be an expression of psychotic symptoms brought about by his abuse at work. I know that when I have been a victim of workplace bullying, one of the symptoms is increased aggression, rage and intolerance - sometimes especially to people you love as deep down you are angry that they can't help you.

If I were a magician I would whisk him out of his work situation and you out of the home situation and give some loving care to you both - his self-esteem must be rock bottom, and yours is in danger of getting low and you need to take some emergency action. I would advise he take action against employer, but it might be too much stress.. I would guess that unless he is being paid a fortune, his mental health would be better on the dole than this crap/

OP, the level of abuse your poor H is getting @ work is not acceptable and really disgusting and must stop now, you must urge him to deal with this. I work in recruitment so if you need any advise please pm me. If his boss is trying to sack him, from what you have told me his boss is in for a big shock and could cost him dear. As usual before people get the facts urging you to dump him and abondon him when he prbably needs you most, makes me sick. Sounds like there is a lot of stress on both sides, I feel for you both.

clearly you both need help and you both need to be at your GP today and demanding help - you need to both be asking for support from the community mental health team, GP AND social services. if you have pre school children and cant get to counselling - tell SS they could arrange a childminder for you for those times. or via homestart/surestart a volunteer - or pre school creche place .

use this incident to get proper counselling/therapy and support for both of you.

has your h recorded his complaints about work in writing? is there a union? HR dept?

thing is tho - whatever the stress at work there is no excuse for him to "says degrading things, swears and insults me" it isnt fair on you or the dc.

you both need to be addressing your stresses etc - and asking for help eg practical babysitting help so you can attend counselling . when SS call you - tell them precisely what you need help with on practical level ie specifically babysitting so you can attend therapy.

Very practical advise from Cest, as as always : )

"My husband is being really bullied at work at the moment, he is belittled, set up for cruel pranks, locked in containers, he is lied about, his stuff is stolen, lights are turned off when he is on the toilet and he is locked in (it is a warehouse with no windows so pitch black) he also has problems with his mum and dad which have broken his heart, he suffers from IBS (which is brought on by an anxiety disorder), he sometimes soils himself at work when he is stressed, which causes further bullying. He is afraid of the dark because we had an attempted burglery at night and they were trying to get in (this makes him feel like a baby) He is so stressed he has chewed his tongue and his popped his jaw out of alignment through grinding his teeth so much. He was off work for 12 weeks due to an ear infection (meant he couldn't drive machineary due to blackouts) and we had to live on £80 sick pay a week, we got into debt and he now feels a failure as a man and a provider. His boss is trying to give him the sack and i think he also has depression."

Terrible situation OP. Just dreadful.

BUT NOT A SINGLE LETTER OF IT JUSTIFIES YOU BEING TREATED THIS WAY.

Wake up and smell the coffee love. You are being abused by the man you are married to.

"I'm not condoning it, nor am saying it's ok to speak to people like this, to degrade or goad. Just that he needs help too. I think he is heading for a breakdown."

Then HE NEEDS TO GO AND GET HELP THEN. Coming home and taking it out on you is a cop out and you know it. YOU ARE ACTUALLY CONDONING IT.

You are making excuses for it. If he needs YOUR help so much, then why is he treating you as badly as he is being treated~? KNOWING your background, and STILL doing it? A: because he CAN.

I feel sorry for you both, but he is abusing you and he is making that choice to do so.

He needs to see where his bread is buttered and tbh, you DO need to leave him, breakdown might be good for him actually, it'd get him the MH support he needs, and trained professionals could spend their time trying to convince him not to abuse an already vulnerable woman.

I feel sorry for you, but I feel much sorrier for your children. You can get out of this situation, they cannot.

The fact that abuse cascades doesn't stop it being abuse, unfortunately. The correct response is for the sequence to stop with your husband, and for him to push it back up. Not to abuse you by turn. You're taking the pain from your husband's boss. Surely you can see this isn't right.

He ought to record every work incident, big and small, with times, and get legal advice. I am sure this advice will include leaving the job. I've been very badly bullied at work (it does mess up your head) but nothing as extreme as what you say he's going through.

Meanwhile, I think you should make full use of the support services available to you and, if you've got anywhere to stay for a few weeks, consider getting some time out.

To be honnest he is hoping to get the sack as it would be easier. He can't leave as he wouldn't get job seekers whilst he was looking for another job. He has been to the doctors and has been put on mild tranquilizers, but is going back for anti-depressants and asking for further help.If we can get him diagnosed, we can label him as disabled and his boss won't be able to treat him the way he does. At the moment my husband has a list of illnesses and a bit of absence from work, so putting them in a catagory will be helpful to him. They are all mental health related.

We don't agrue all the time and although it's not nice on the few occations we have, the rest of the time we are civil and friendly towards each other and get along. It when things are tough for what ever reason and we are both worn down that things have got on top of us. My children shouldn't have NEVER seen the rows we have had, but the 2 we have did have in front of them have not been very bad. This is why we want help, we don't want to get to the point where we shout in front of them. This is all new as i have said and my husband speaking to me like this is not usual or what i'm used to. I am already vunrable and pregnant, so it is hitting me quite hard.

I gave my husband a list of the things he does today, and explained in detail, how they made me feel. He was shocked that it went so deep. He thought I would know he didn't mean the things he has said, but i told him i believed them, every little thing. He feels he is being very selfish at the moment and has admitted he is depressed, tired and not coping, we have discussed a seperation. He said i should know he would never beat me up, but when i told him i was scared of him, and just wasn't sure, he was devistated. (he has never beaten me up or hit out at me) I phoned 999 because i left the house saying i would meet him at church as he was in a mood and didn't want it to ruin my morning. Whilst walking accross a field to get there, i turned to see him running after me and he was shouting. I panicked and thought he was running to hit me or something as he looked so angry, and called the police. He was cross that i had left as he thought i was going to try and take my life again. He feels like he needs to watch my every move after i get upset incase i make another mistake. He doesn't realise i just need the space.

If i have made out this post to be really bad, then that wasn't my intention. It was more about my fears with the SS. and if my requests for help were going to backfire. The policeman wasn't concerned in the slightest, most couples have hard times from time to time. He certainly admitted he had also. My husband is wrong for the way he is behaving and he knows it, but it is not an "all the time thing" It can be resoved through help, but if it can't for some reason, i'm not afraid to walk.

He says i am abusive to him too, which yes, i have been. I have said things in an arguement that arn't aimed at him but his mother for example, and he says it really hurts. I have always been the one to hit him, and even though he brings me to that point, what excuse do i have for that??? shoe on the other foot, you would think it was dreadful for a man to do that.

So, your husband is abusive to you and visa versa.

You were abused as a child so suffer mental problems.

You have money worries plus your husband's threatened sack.

You have no family to help.

You tried to top yourself 4 months ago.

And now you're going to bring another innocent baby into this mess !!!

That is the most disturbing part.

I do feel sorry for you both, I mostly feel sorry for the kids.

SS will want to help, but I think breaking down in hysterics and asking for the police to put you down at high risk with possible violence. May well have back fired for you yes.

From an outsider looking in, none of you sound well enough to have the children. You have 2 parents here with quite severe mental health issues. I think this is beyond MN being able to reassure you as to what will happen. Or try and guess who is to blame for what. There seems to be two sets of abuse going on here, from 2 people, with separate issues and their own illnesses.

There does not seem to be a responsible adult, by that I mean physically and mentally well person in charge on these kids?

I just don't know what to say. I don't think mn are going to really be able to second guess ss here either. But just talk to you as it all sounds a really ig mess.

I'm no expert when it comes to SS but would think they might be able to open more lines of support to you both.

label him as disabled and his boss won't be able to treat him the way he does - They are ALREADY acting illegally, I'm not sure a DDA order would make any difference? If he quits due to the bullying, my understanding is that he'd have a case for constructive dismissal. You need to get proper advice for this, though. Try the CAB. Why hasn't he called the police when he's locked in a container, etc? (There is a crime called false imprisonment.)

My doctor signed me off work for three months. I realise you'll be hard up if he has to rely on SSP but it might give him a bit of much-needed head space to take some sort of control over the situation. If he isn't in a union, he can join Unite and get advice, maybe even legal support.

I know you don't want to hear it, but this situation is harming you and you should NOT have to be carrying your husband's problems, which sound as if they run deep. Apart from encouraging you both to take hold of the issues, though, I don't know what to say. I feel it's in your interests to take a break from it all. Sorry.

I didn't break down in hysterics, i didn't ask to be put at high risk. I cried because i was telling him i have no support, and how i have asked but have been turned down. (Not enough funding and not serious.) The policeman said he would put it down as high risk and coverd it in letter saying it wasn't usual family behaviour but they are lacking in support that could be made available. I asked for help before i commited suicide also, and if you knew the reasons and the way i was treated at the time by the NHS, you would understand.

I fell pregnant by mistake. I was on the depo, but it obviously failed. I can't help what has happened, and i can't change it either. I'm not from a poor background, i am well educated and am a good mother and we are capable of caring for our children and apart from the odd recent arguement, they have never seen myself and their father fight. We do not usually use swear words in our family and concider "shut up" to be a horrible word. This behaviour by us both is not usual. I'm in my 30's too, so not a young in-experienced mother.

I am not a depressive, nor have mental health issues, i was severly stressed at the time when i tried to take my life, and that was also a diagnosis by a psychotheropist at the hospital. They also know about the odd arguements we have had, but were not concerned either.

I am stressed now because of what is going on, and emotional because i'm pregnant. My past does not affect on things generally, just when someone is being agressive or personal and refuses to be civil, i usually just walk away if they cannot do so. In circumstance recently, i have been unable to do so, so it has made me feel very trapped. it has made me remember times when i also wasn't able to walk away. That was my issue tho I am naturally shy and quiet in nature and i don't like to argue. The violence has never been severe, but i believe a shove and a push is enough, and that is why we were both seeking help.

Most of you have been really nasty to me, i honestly thought it might help to get some help on here, but i have had people looking at this as though we are screaming at each other and beating the crap out of each other and the kids are witness to it all. I am being called an incapable mother with mental health issues. It's really unfair and not supportive at all. I've not explained everything to you through lack of time and also i wish to keep them private, but if you knew you would understand the pressure we are having. We have been let down in so many areas and have just been left to fend for ourselves. I have never said it was acceptable.

I hope none of you reply to anyone who is really down, because replies like this are neither enouraging nor worded in any way that is going to help them.

If you really can cast the first stone, then go ahead!!!!!!