husbands being mentally abusive

[cattjojo]

I had to call 999 and go to the police station for a domestic today and although myself and the policeman decided that pressing charges against my husband would not be in anyones best interest, he decided more support as a family would be beneficial instead. There has been a series of mentally abusive episodes and the odd occasion of physical violence, but (please don't think i'm excusing his behaviour) there has been a great deal of on going stress in the family and a current situation which has led to the events. One particular thing was that I tried to take my life in June, and although the crisis team were notified, we were pretty much left to get on with it, despite requests that i was not coping and needed support.( I was however issued with a personal midwife from the mental health team as i found out i was pregnant shortly after.) The policeman has put us down as a high risk family, no risk to children, but possible risk of future violence if help is not given, so that this will hopefully speed up the process for gaining help. Obviously SS will be in touch as matter of procedure. I just don't know what will happen next. There is part of me that is scared they will find fault with me, or take the children away. I am just so hoping they will be there for me and support us as a family, it's all i've ever asked for. i can't afford marriage counselling, i have had to cancel the 5 counselling sessions my doctor organised as i don't have childcare and can't afford any, and i have limited my help by refusing to take any sort of psychotic medication. I don't even feel depressed or particually down, it's just the constant dig, dig, dig and goad, goad , goad from my husband that gets to me sometimes and i just want to get away from it all. I feel like there is only so much i can take sometimes.

You are making each others issues worse, not better. Perhaps if your circumstances were better you could have a healthy relationship but as it is things have become toxic.

You both need to get well and you can do that easier if you separate. It doesn't have to be permanent. You are trying to improve your relationship but you just don't have the energy for that now - your other issues are more pressing. Sort them out, get well, and then you will be in a much better place to see if the marriage can work.

You forget cattjojo, most of us have been there and some have lived through worse.

we KNOW he is using the work thing as an excuse. We KNOW You ARE scared of him. He knows this. He tells you he wasn't going to scare you/hit you, but was chasing you shouting. With your history, sorry but WTF did he think he was doing?

I've seen all this before, he knew perfectly well what he was doing, he's now denying it and in time will probably pin it on your hormones, your MH issues, your depression... THEY ALL DO THIS. It's classic text book stuff.

WRT your comment about not being depressed, not having MH issues. Why the suicide attempt then? you do know that this is a MH issue in itself. To feel so hounded, stressed, hopeless that the only way out is in a body bag? Or perhaps it was a cry for help. Well love, you have to admit, in a situation like the one you describe, you could do with all the help you can get!

He accused you of abusing him? Riiiight. ALL abusers accuse their victims of abuse, every single one. A normal bloke would be horrified that the A word is mentioned concerning him, they would move heaven and earth to make sure that this wrong was put right. They wouldn't chuck the comment back!

We KNOW there is no point in counselling, that he can change NOW if he wants to.

You gave him a list. IF he immediately ceases ALL of the bad stuff he does to you, THEN you will know that it's OK, that he's normal, and he's checked himself.

IF he even ONCE says to you that it's going to take time to change love, and he'll try to be nice, then you have your answer right there and then.

That WE are right in our assessment of him and that YOU have to act to protect YOUR children/unborn child.

Not one post that I have seen is nasty toward you, but you, my love, are not seeing this situation like we are. You are still in the F.O.G (Fear Obligation Guilt) you can barely see to the end of your nose. THAT'S what abuse does, and THAT is why you feel so trapped.

You say you didn't realise how badly your post came across? That's because the crap in your life is so normal, you didn't realise that others don't live like that. They really don't.

WRT your past: Of course your past is going to affect you. It IS affecting you, you were abused as a child and were powerless to stop it. You chose to walk away from anyone upsetting you as an adult, but now you find you can't escape the person being aggressive with you, because you live with him. That child is trapped again.

With the greatest of respect to you, You are making excuses for him, you are not ready to see the truth, the damage this situation is doing to you and to your children. That's fine (sort of) hopefully one day you WILL see that what we are telling you is borne of experience, it comes from the heart. Hopefully you will put your DC first and save them from the life you led, from the abuse you suffered.

If you think we are all being mean, as is your right, call Woman's Aid. Call and talk to them, calmly, quietly. Call your GP, your HV. They will know the man you are married to and will give him the benefit of the doubt you suggest he deserves.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf Have a look on here and see where he fits 95% of the time.

Really excellent reply from Hissy. I hope you've managed to read it, catjojo, with enough detachment to comprehend what she's saying. It's a great idea to call Womens Aid, you can always just have a chat about things for perspective. 0808 2000 247.

I know you don't want to hear it but I think you are in denial of the abuse you are experiencing. I'm not being mean, just giving my honest opinion.

Meant to further qualify myself as a suicide survivor too.

Been there, done that. I know what it takes.

People aren't being mean. Many have been in abusive relationships. They are trying to get you to see the reality. As an outsider looking in.

I think people would be doing you a disservice by saying, "yes, there, there, all will be fine, you have nothing to worry about, ss won't do xyz". Which is what you are after?

They can't say this at all. they can't 2nd guess ss. The fact remains there are 2 people here, with severe MH issues in charge of 2 children. The police are referring you as high risk being a possible violent household.

He does have quite severe issues it would seem mentally already recorded, you have recently tried to commit suicide. That's the biggest it can really get with MH issues.

Causes aside, I know abuse leads to mh problems, this is what ss will see, 2 people with serious mh issues in charge of 2 kids, with quite an unstable environment. Where abuse is prevelant be it mental and emotional or physical.

Fighting it, denying you need help such as, possible medication, denying it's a MH issue, denying your relationship is toxic. Will NOT HELP YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN. SS whatever they decide will see it as you not working to get yourself and the kids out of it.

You need to be ready for this. People trying to second guess and telling you ss will wave a magic wand and it will all be ok, is not going to happen.

'I gave my husband a list of the things he does today, and explained in detail, how they made me feel. He was shocked that it went so deep. He thought I would know he didn't mean the things he has said, but i told him i believed them, every little thing. He feels he is being very selfish at the moment and has admitted he is depressed, tired and not coping, we have discussed a seperation. He said i should know he would never beat me up, but when i told him i was scared of him, and just wasn't sure, he was devastated.'

He is asking you to judge him by his intentions (in other words his high opinion of himself as seen in hindsight) and not by his words and deeds. What he is telling you there is that you are responsible for reading his mind and he can say or do whatever he wants/act however he feels and you have no right to your response to him.

If he is depressed, tired and not coping, what is his plan to have those issues addressed given that his priority should be your health and happiness as well as that of your DCs and baby?

Now that he knows you need some space, what is his plan for those times when you retreat from an argument?

In other words, how is he going to deal with your reality, not how are you going to deal with his?

He has to accept how things are for you and how he is coming across to you. You need to be clear in your own mind that what you feel here is what matters.

Getting back to you --
Have you ever had counselling about the abuse you suffered as a child?
What would prevent you from getting in touch with Women's Aid?

The worst way to present yourself and your family to SS is as a denying mother.

I hope you are going to be ok. Trouble is violence only gets worse, it never gets better; unless, of course your DH seeks serious help and really wants to change.

If he isnt prepared to change then you need to get out of the relationship.
Get all thehelp and support you need. Dont feel stupid, guilty or embarrassed. Professionals who help, have seen it all before, and are totally used to this kind of stuff.

I'm not stupid, i am aware of how abuse works. I know many of you are from ex abusive relationships, but not all marital problems will end up going down the same route. Families can sometimes fall apart in times of crisis, (espishally if there is little or no support) make mistakes and not be a statistic or a stereotype.

I will try and explain, but will probably come across again as someone in denial as you have all made up your minds about this. You are assuming things are deeper than they are. But we do have a happy marriage and enjoy each others company, it's just been a few times over a long period of crisis, that we have both behaved out of character. As far as we're concerned, that's enough and we don't want it to continue.

He has never once made any excuses, and he has never said it's my fault EVER! He knows he's being an arse, that it's actually abusive and is doing everything he can to sort it. After this happened he went straight to the doctors. He has never turned anything back around on me either, we both shared how we feel and it is honestly, not all one sided. If i went to mediation, they would say the same thing. There are mistakes on both sides and we are both accountable for our actions. He however knows that he has been very out of line and we have agreed if this ever occured again, he will move out. He didn't once use anything as a way of condoning anything. I have done most of the talking about how it has made me feel and he has listened, held me and said sorry.

We have never truely discussed any of these ongoing issues, and didn't know how each other felt about them. There has NEVER been any damaging insults apart from the times we have argued. The arguements were all mutual and wern't initiated by my husband. I am not walking on eggshells, i am not scared of my husband, it was just that time i was walking accross the field. I thought he was cross with me and it scared me as it never gets cross with me.

He has asked me out on a date, as we haven't done anything together without the children for a long time. Has organised some counselling and male support at our church for himself. as there is nothing on the nhs available.

of course i understand that i wasn't rational at that time of the suicide attempt, and of course on some level it was really was a cry for help. I felt quite stressed and sad about certain things that were going on and asked so many people for help but they wouldn't or could'nt help me. The thing just wore me down and i was tired of facing it every day on my own. I can't share, but it was a hard thing to have face and it is understandable by all who know about it, how i was made to feel that was my only option. I am not depressed tho, nor suffering with depression as hard as it may be to believe. I changed my mind a while after i did what did, and eventually i phoned for help. I realised i didn't really want to die, i just needed someone to listen and my life was precious. This had absolutely nothing to do with my husband.

sigh You posted here wanting people to reassure you that ss wouldn't do anything drastic basically.

You have been violent, he has been violent. He has been mentally abusive, you have involved the police and had a breakdown in front of them.

You have recently tried to commit suicide, he has MH issues too. You are in denial.

This toxic combination, with your denial and your stubbornness to see what is really going on here. Will not bode well for your involvement for social services.

I'm sorry but that is the truth, you aren't seeing it as they will. You asked if you had anything to fear from SS.

YES, YES YOU DO. Reading this as an outsider, knowing what ss are going to see, knowing the real score here. Knowing children are living in this and you are in total denial will, damage your standing with them hugely. They will see this as children in an unhealthy toxic abusive household, where 2 parents are mentally unwell.

You recently tried to commit suicide, they will and rightly so be questioning your mental health and if he is the cause of it plus other factors. They will see denial, they will be very suspicious of a woman who tries to kill her sell one minute, then the next says she is fine. With no outside help or medication. YOU CAN'T SEE THIS. YOU NEED TOO.

I don't think this will end well with you op atm. I'm sorry I can't say anything else really.

The fact that abuse cascades doesn't stop it being abuse, unfortunately. The correct response is for the sequence to stop with your husband, and for him to push it back up. Not to abuse you by turn. You're taking the pain from your husband's boss. Surely you can see this isn't right.

I know you don't want to hear it, but this situation is harming you and you should NOT have to be carrying your husband's problems, which sound as if they run deep. Apart from encouraging you both to take hold of the issues, though, I don't know what to say. I feel it's in your interests to take a break from it all. Sorry.

No apologies for repeating myself, I'm afraid. You sound as though you feel absolutely trapped. You aren't.

You say you're both aware of the stresses in your lives, how they're affecting you both and that you care equally for each other. As a mutually caring couple, what steps will you each take to ensure this stress fallout doesn't keep spiralling inwards?

I have been seen by the psychotherapist from the mental health team and i was diagnosed with severe stress. I had a couple of medical issues that played a part in it as they were hormonal related. One of them early menopause and lack of cycle for 18 months. I wasn't rational at all when i contemplated. i do not nor have been diagnosed with depression and i do not feel depressed. I have no problems admitting i am depressed and would feel no shame in it if i actually was. I feel sad sometimes, i feel angry and hurt when things are unjust and i am human and get stressed. sometimes i can't stand my husband and sometimes i wish he would shut up and bugger off, i'm sure many people have times like that. I have the odd day where i'm a bit hormonal and might cry, but that's not abnormal nor means i am mentally unstable

If you think i have mental health issues and feel your diagnosis is better than that of an expert, that's fine. but i'm really not. I need to talk and share my feelings with people, i don't have the oppurtunity to do so and it can feel very lonely and difficult. I wish i had a mate who i could just have a cuppa with and off load, i'm sure i wouldn't feel so stressed. I came on here in the hope that i could speak to someone.

I do have have issues, yes, there are many things i could do with talking through, although not painful anymore, i haven't still haven't brought them to conclusion. It doesn't mean i'm depressed tho. I have still got my counselling available, but just have to cancel it till i can find childcare. It is basic, but it's nice to share, and is feel it's somewhat beneficial, although i do need something a bit more than just an ear.

Not one person i have been assesed by is worried in the slightest bit, and i have been honest that we have argued in front of the children twice. They were still not concerned. My suicide attempt is unknown by my children and i did not put them in any danger. They are aware that i asked for help again and again and that is wasn't available. I was classed low risk. Our problems are so minor, we don't warrant help, but i'm pregnant and Because of this i am entitled to extra help and will take anything i can get. I will ask if they can help with an hour of childcare so i can go to counselling. And marriage counselling so we can learn to work through all of this in a more constructive way.

It's not nice to keep portraying that i have had an uncontrolable break down infront of the policeman. That's just not what happened and even if i did, it would not affect anything anyway. I had a couple of tears, that was all.

you had early menopause but now you are pregnant?
how many children do you have? confused.com

the problems you describe are not minor- your h is suffering serious bullying at work and is about to lose his job (sacked or leave it to "become disabled mental health"

you tried to kill yourself - yet no one is concerned. it was just stress.

i think you will both get more help if you both actually exaggerate the symptoms a bit more rather than playing them down....

Cattjojo, have you ever had counselling or therapy to help you recover from your childhood abuse? Have you ever mentioned it to a medical professional or MH professional?

You're doing very well cattjojo to be repeatedly reasserting your side of the story on here. It must be hard for you when all you want is a shoulder to cry on and you are pushed into a corner. You are defending yourself very well, so well that you may well slip through the SS net. I'm not sure they will go far out of their way to do anything at all if you appear as competent as you are on here.

What is this thing that you can't share? Perhaps telling us what that is will help us see your situation in a bit more perspective. I think the advice to have at least a temporary separation might help you, I think you are taking your husband's problems on as though you need to fix them. It is good to try to help those we love, but sometimes you are not the best person to do it.

I wish you well - try to make a plan, keep things calm and focus on your children first.

I can't speak for your other respondents, cattjojo; this is only from me.

Your OP reads like a genuine and fairly desperate plea for help. You seemed justifiably at the end of your tether, and sensibly glad the police officer decided there were problems to address. Since then you've backpedalled, though not without depicting a truly nightmarish situation at your husband's work and hinting at dark horrors in your recent past. I don't want to push you for details. I do want to warn you against 'acting okay' and/or convincing yourself life is normal and his is just a hiccup.

Doing this - pretending (even to myself) that nothing was out of the ordinary and I could cope - caused me a breakdown so complete that, years later, I'm still recovering and have lost everything I had: home, investments, car, friends, possessions, everything. I am not unusual. It happens to dozens of people every day. Their mistake, uniformly, is to keep insisting they can cope. Just like I did.

Humans are incredibly resourceful, flexible and adaptable. Quite a few of us have a tendency to use those qualities incorrectly - basically going into 'hide and survive' mode when 'fight or flight' would be more appropriate. We do this because we wrongly perceive that there's no way out and try to make the best of things. You can call it growing flowers down the hole you'e in, but it's exactly the same as what tortured prisoners do when they make friends with a rat, write poems on toilet paper, etc. We'd probably be great in an escape-proof prison, you and me, but we are not in prison. We can change our lives completely, and there are people waiting to help us do it. If we keep saying we don't need help, they'll offer it to someone else.

I am telling you this because I think you do secretly want help, and I don't want you to lose everything too. Breakdowns are so called because it's what they are - a complete shutdown of mental, emotional and physical resources.

We're not in prison and we do have free choice. It's your own choice, no more, whether to continue stretching your resources until you crash - or to admit a few uncomfortable facts to professionals who have powers to help you turn things round. It is, genuinely, a free choice and a real option.

Sometimes when issues are not resolved there is a tendency to respond to other maybe unrelated circumstances with the same instincts that were honed during the earlier time of crisis.

This can result in a lot of misreading of signals from others, as well as a lot of potential to have your cues misread. There can also be responses to situations that are not necessarily based on an accurate calculation of your own best interests as they stand in the here and now but are habitual defence adaptations.

What a beautiful post Garlic. Genius.

Well it was!

Garlic, what an amazingly honest, insightful and compassionate post.

Keep reading all the messages esp Garlic and I take my hat off to you ladies. I have never met (online anyway) a bunch of smart smart women like I do as on MN. This board must surely save so many women who see no way out. The words and experience shared on here must help countless women who don't even post.
My life would have been richer if I had found MN years ago when going through my own hell. You women are amazing.
Garlic your written words are very deep and straight from the heart. You're an amazing woman. I wish I could express myself as eloquently as you.

OP - things will work out, I believe you when you say you are taking steps to make your life better. I wish you nothing but the best.