I just wanted re assurance on the social services aspect. Even though i know deep down it will be fine. I thought i would receive wise comments rather than digs from people who are probably not in a great position themselves to be pointing the finger. I am very aware that my past will have effect on my coping skills and how I deal with certain situations on some levels.'
Do you hold your past against yourself?
Nobody is pointing a finger at you because of what was done to you in the past. To say that the unresolved issues from your past affect how you deal with things that come up in the here and now is not a criticism.
(I am talking about the abuse from your childhood here, not the suicide attempt)
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WRT arguing:
Being able to argue in a healthy way is essential. Everyone longs for a harmonious relationship. Everyone would love to be able to get through life without having to stand up for yourself or confront someone or be criticised in any way, but the fact is, that is an unreal expectation in an intimate partnership. To hope to never argue with someone you live with is unrealistic. The best you can hope for is to be able to argue productively and respectfully.
Couples can and do argue without it being a case of mutual assured destruction whenever there is a difference or a confrontation. It requires mutual respect and a focus on preserving the relationship through the debate, and a desire to end up with a solution where everyone feels they have 'won', been heard, been respected.
I think you need to go back and do a lot more talking about the boundary issues and also talk some more about the abuse itself. Fear and bad memories are not necessarily the only effects of abuse that can have repercussions in your life.
Do you think you felt in any sort of hurry to forgive? Some therapists approach abuse with the aim of seeing a forgiveness scenario and tend to brush other instincts and emotions under the rug a bit. Some see forgiveness as a major step in overcoming abuse. This may be true for some victims but is certainly not true for all. When you find yourself moving towards forgiveness it is important to ask if you are doing it out of desire to please a therapist (maybe subconscious) or out of a desire to have a matter done and dusted (and if so what is being avoided by closing the matter), or from a sense of guilt at feeling anger (even a religious feeling) -- any sort of pressure from any source really. It is important to examine the motivation. Forgiveness may have been a safe detour for you along the path to healing, that turned out to be a bit of a blind alley.
You have to get to the point in your relationship and in the way you see the world where you can be assertive (as opposed to constantly defensive) and argue without fear. You have to get to the point where confrontation without the fear of annihilation seems like a real possibility for you. This is where a re-examination of the past would be necessary.
Boundary issue:
You are not being attacked here.
'to go over it again. He doesn't hit me or anything, i have lashed out and punched his arm or something and he has pushed me. He has never just done it for no reason, or just because he was in a mood or something. I'm not in fear that he would hurt me. It just something that has happened when we have been argueing.'
Boundary issue:
When you argue you seem to go into fight or flight mode. That is an effect from previous abuse. You punch or you leave and cross a field.
Boundary issue:
You think there is a reason why he (or you) could punch or push, that an argument can't be reasonable or respectful, that there can't always be a line that neither one of you can ever cross.
If you tell a social worker that 'He has never just done it for no reason, or just because he was in a mood or something. I'm not in fear that he would hurt me. It just something that has happened when we have been argueing' they are going to write DENIAL on your notes.
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You really must contact Women's Aid and talk with them. They can listen to you, woman to woman, hear what you need, maybe refer you on to another service.