husbands being mentally abusive

[cattjojo]

I had to call 999 and go to the police station for a domestic today and although myself and the policeman decided that pressing charges against my husband would not be in anyones best interest, he decided more support as a family would be beneficial instead. There has been a series of mentally abusive episodes and the odd occasion of physical violence, but (please don't think i'm excusing his behaviour) there has been a great deal of on going stress in the family and a current situation which has led to the events. One particular thing was that I tried to take my life in June, and although the crisis team were notified, we were pretty much left to get on with it, despite requests that i was not coping and needed support.( I was however issued with a personal midwife from the mental health team as i found out i was pregnant shortly after.) The policeman has put us down as a high risk family, no risk to children, but possible risk of future violence if help is not given, so that this will hopefully speed up the process for gaining help. Obviously SS will be in touch as matter of procedure. I just don't know what will happen next. There is part of me that is scared they will find fault with me, or take the children away. I am just so hoping they will be there for me and support us as a family, it's all i've ever asked for. i can't afford marriage counselling, i have had to cancel the 5 counselling sessions my doctor organised as i don't have childcare and can't afford any, and i have limited my help by refusing to take any sort of psychotic medication. I don't even feel depressed or particually down, it's just the constant dig, dig, dig and goad, goad , goad from my husband that gets to me sometimes and i just want to get away from it all. I feel like there is only so much i can take sometimes.

My husband has never gone out of his way to hit me, the violence has always happened after i have reached the end of my tether and have retaliated. We have both been at fault.
What does this mean, has he hit you or hasn't he?

He says i am abusive to him too, which yes, i have been. I have said things in an arguement that arn't aimed at him but his mother for example, and he says it really hurts. I have always been the one to hit him, and even though he brings me to that point, what excuse do i have for that??? shoe on the other foot, you would think it was dreadful for a man to do that.

Taken this from: www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

"A primary aggressor is that person that is adding the constant pressure of control to the system. It is not necessarily the person acting the most obviously inappropriate or hurtful"

My husband is being really bullied at work at the moment, he is belittled, set up for cruel pranks, locked in containers, he is lied about, his stuff is stolen, lights are turned off when he is on the toilet and he is locked in

"However the victim role is a power behavior that exploits the desire of others to help someone who is in distress."

I don't even feel depressed or particually down, it's just the constant dig, dig, dig and goad, goad , goad from my husband that gets to me sometimes and i just want to get away from it all. I feel like there is only so much i can take sometimes.

"Most abuse is aimed at discouraging the survivor so that she never exercises or explores options. More than just momentary cruelty, emotional abuse and verbal abuse is directed at lowering the survivor's self-esteem and 'power to do' things, on her behalf, and on the behalf of her children."

We don't agrue all the time and although it's not nice on the few occations we have, the rest of the time we are civil and friendly towards each other and get along.

A few occasions means more than two, which is it?

I am not trying to be nasty or pick you apart, but your first post sounds so desperate and if it really was all that minor, why would you have posted that in the first place?
Calling the police because your husband is running after you and shouting is not normal behaviour. You either felt threatened by his behaviour to an extreme degree or it triggered a recurrence of the trauma feeling, which means there are underlying issues that will not go away without help.
Really you need help, from one survivor to another. Please reach out
xxx

I have the early menopause which means I have limited eggs, will have fewer periods and statistically, less chance of becoming pregnant. My last menstal cycle was in may 2009 when i fell pregnant with my last. I started my periods very young so it is not abnormal I would be starting menopause sooner. You can go through the early menopause for many years before you run out of eggs totally and and stop menstrating all together. However you see it, this baby is a blessing to me, Even despite not being planned.

Of course It read as though i was at the end of my teather, i was feeling bloody fed up and angry when i wrote it, the arguement had just happened and i felt cross with him for being nasty, and of course i
have backtracked, it has been portrayed in a different light to how things really are and it was meant. I didn't intent to go into personal affairs at all, but felt I needed to try and stand up for myself from accusations and critasism that was in-correct, in order to differ wrong judgements. I can understand how that may have come accross as though I am in denial mode. But you asked and i told you. I just wanted re assurance on the social services aspect. Even though i know deep down it will be fine. I thought i would recieve wise comments rather than digs from people who are probably not in a great position themselves to be pointing the finger. I am very aware that my past will have effect on my coping skills and how I deal with certain situations on some levels. My husband is also, and we recognise that receiving help is beneficial and we welcome it. We probably have argued less than the average family does daily, but don't EVER want to argue. Do you also recommend that any couple who ever falls out should be stereotyped the way you have done to me, because that is what your saying. Most couples will tell their parntners to shut up when they argue and think nothing of it, i think that's abusive and degrading, but that's just because we don't usually say things like that to each other in our relationship. My husband has been horrible to me and all should never have happened, but it did, he made a mistake and has recognised it. I have done the same. If he cannot do so we are both prepared to seperate in the future.

Am i not allowed to be cross about it, without being labeled a battered wife in denial and have a rant?? it is not all as bad as you obviously think it is, but because im not used to arguements, its not normal in our family to be mean to each other and use swear words. I feel like my mother in law is a nasty cow and i often have a moan about her online, does that mean she is abusing me too because she has said something mean when we have had a falling out?? I wish i could run away from her too, because she drives crazy sometimes. But that's just relationships for you!

I have never said I'm ok, I'm aware I can develop depression and even pnd if I dont get help and im not in denial. I am stressed with all that is going on and have acted out of character, I know it can spiral downwards if I am not able to get on top of this now. I can see I am struggling. That doesn't mean I am depressed or not seeing what is happening, but I can recognise the warning signs.

I have had counselling and help for my past. I am free from guilt, hurt and it no longer pains me to remember or talk about it. I have forgiven my abuser and myself (which was something I needed to do for me personally) the thing that will probably always be with me is the boundaries issue, but that is also normal for every person in this world. I am not extreme at all, but I do expect peole to be respectful. maybe it will be resolved through talking it with the counsollor, maybe not, but it certainly does not consume my life or crop up very often and it certainly does not bring fear or bad memories. I just don't like it when I am clear and reasonable and that is dis-regarded.

I would be scared if ANYONE ran after me shouting, male or female, maybe that isn't normal???? maybe it is something i need help for also, but it certainly isn't something just geared at my husband.

please remember i am pregnant, i'm up and down and maybe i do seem to be a little unstable. For goodness sake, i cried when i was watching the toys r us advert the other day! Phoning the police was very strange looking back, but at the time i was crying and i honestly though my husband was running to shout at me. I felt panicked and just did it impulsively. It was a bad decision and i wasted police time.

Only one person on here has said that they can see i just, need someone to talk to the rest have taken small bits of what i've said (even though i've explained it just wasn't really the case) and put me into a box. I can't keep condoning myself because you have just made up your minds and continue to find a case for serious abuse. No one has answered my origional question or reassured me without assuming i was blubbering in the interview or assuming what was written on the statement. No one has has even asked me what was written. Social services was requested for my help not for any other reason as i felt i lacked support. This was all covered in the report. There is no mention of the children at all as they did not witness anything. I just have fears of the SS as you hear stories.

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to go over it again. He doesn't hit me or anything, i have lashed out and punched his arm or something and he has pushed me. He has never just done it for no reason, or just because he was in a mood or something. I'm not in fear that he would hurt me. It just something that has happened when we have been argueing.

I have said this 4x now to yourself and other posters. You aren't here for help, you aren't here for advice.

You literally want people to tell you, that you have nothing to fear from ss, you want them to tell you it will all be ok and that it won't somehow backfire on you.

No poster here can tell you that, not one single poster here can second guess ss and say yes, yes it will all be fine. THEY CAN'T. They would be doing you a disservice by saying they could.

You need to see the situation as they will, one mentally ill parent, the other parent with mh/stress/coping issues who very recently tried to kill themselves. A high risk household at risk of violence. Exceptional outside circumstances, but it is leading to an abusive household, both emotionally and physically for both sides.

The reactions you have ARE NOT NORMAL. They are not the reactions of a mended person who is happy and well in themselves. Many people here can tell you that. Having been through similar, the denial and then truly recovering the other side. They will take your digs about them, as they know what it is like to be in such strong denial.

I am actually worried for you tbh. You actually don't see how serious this situation is. I don't think anyone here can second guess what ss will do or recommend when there is so much going on here.

They would be doing you more harm than good tbh. People are trying to help you here, even with ss. SS don't like a woman in denial. Their priority is the children first THEN you. I think people are atm wasting their time with other stuff.

You want to be told it will all be ok with ss, people can't possibly tell you that. When you have so many serious issues here.

Oh my god! Are you my mother posting? Oh no you can't be - she killed herself when I was 16 to get out of the exact relationship you are describing.
Don't like you posting another thread to try and get people to come here to agree with you.
You clearly have issues, I really truly hope you look for the help you need and deserve.
WRT to your partner - he is a fuckwit of the highest order.

that wasn't helpful Akiram

Why not Atilla?

So it gets worse. Op has now posted elsewhere to get people to come here and "agree".

People are NOT ATTACKING YOU. Many have been here before. You can't see this because you aren't thinking clearly, that much is evident.

I said all along you weren't here for advice or help and it was a waste of time. I did hope somewhere though, you may have a light bulb moment.

People are not going to be able to second guess ss here for you. You have been referred as high risk, with possible risk of violence, you said so your self. You have 2 parents here with mh issues. That is evident. They will be thinking of the children first.

Anyone who comes onto this thread trying to guess what ss are going to do and say would be highly irresponsible. They won't be helping you one single bit .The situation is too complicated.

So I'm not sure what you expect people to do? You may have the odd person who falsely reassures you, pretending to know what ss will do. How is that going to help you?

i have limited my help by refusing to take any sort of psychotic medication

Do you mean anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, OP? Anti-psychotics are sometimes used to control extreme mood swings. Anti-depressants aim to reduce anxiety and improve depression.

You seem pretty sure you're not depressed but, from what you've said, are suffering dramatic mood changes at the moment. What did the doctor precribe? I'm not sure which meds are safe to take in pregnancy, but know there are posters here who've benefited from both types of meds.

If one were found that's safe in pregnancy and may help to steady your mood, would you reconsider?

That is a good point GB makes. Would you reconsider medication if your gp recommends it, take that help?

It's not a bad thing to be on meds you know. Refusing every avenue of help such as medication, when you may well need it will only be counter productive to wrt to ss.

I only mention them again as that seems to be your only concern.

Something is not right here OP. You DO have some mental health issues, quite clearly, you do.
You want help but it seems you reject help when it is forthcoming.

Anyone who tries to take their own life has big issues.

For you family's sake you need to address them and stop saying the problem isn't so big.

SS WILL be very worried about your children.

I posted else where because i just want someone to talk to, and you have turned it round like i'm a game player or something. I feel really sad and alone and i just wanted to have a chat with someone. I wasn't trying to get anyone on here. You are quick to judge someones character. I have written pretty much every comment on here feeling sad and ganged up on, not argumentative or angry.

I am emotional and hormonal, because i'm pregnant that is all at the moment.

I wasn't even offered any meds as i don't have any MH issues to warrant it, It's a referal process, so if you don't have a label, you cant seek further treatment. I could have taken drugs, but they would have been for no reason, as all i need is someone to talk to. I was willing at the time to take what ever, but i was told there wasn't any need.

I'm not bothered about going on meds if it's needed at all, but they currently arn't needed.

Guys,

Please remember how vulnerable people may be when they post messages in these forums. I appreciate that most of you are trying to get Catjojo to be strong and to realise how bad the situation has become but one or two of the replies on this thread are really nasty.

Trifle - do you have any idea what effect comments like that can have on someone with mental health issues? This is meant to be a support network!

op we can see what you can't. You don't like that, I understand. YOu whole thrust at the moment seems to be that you are not getting the support you want either on here or RL...........

OK. So when you said you "refused" meds and your access to further help was thus limited, you meant you would have refused them if you'd been offered them and assumed this would have limited your options: is that right?

Sounds like your GP did organise some counselling for you - although you couldn't get childcare to take advantage of it. Was it through the doctor, or is this counselling through your church?

Just trying to get a clearer picture. It seems tragic that you're desperate for someone to talk with, but couldn't go to counselling.

i haven't refused one bit of help offered to me on whatever form, i have been crying out for help, because i don't want my stress to develop into anything deeper. I have said this all the way through the thread. I haven't said i don't have issues, i do and i'm trying to sort them, but i'm struggling to get the help. I don't mind saying i have MH issues if you think i have them, i just don't have them in the sense people have expressed on here. I don't feel depressed or anything. I feel a bit like i do when your about to have you period occationally. The only help i have been given is with the counselling and i desperatly want to go. I just don't have anyone to look after my LO.

cattjojo I really do wish you the best.

I dond't understand why you have been told you don't have any need for meds when it was only 3 or 4 months ago you attempted suicide.
I'm sorry if my first post to you was harsh - I am worried that someone who obviously needs support is not getting it. I've seen what can happen when Doctors dismiss a patients mental health and I would hate for that to happen to you.

Wishing you all the best

Would you go back to your GP, then, and be a little less "copey" so as to get better help (hopefully)?

Would everyone - please remember this woman is pregnant.

Stress hormones will not do her baby any good.

Catt - try to stay calm and focus on yourself and your children. Counselling takes time to work, you need to relax NOW.

If it means starting another thread to clear the slate, or seeking help from other sources do it. Remember only you can change your situation. But as garlic suggests, this may involve exaggerating your pain (outwardly obvs) in order to get help from the services. Sometimes you have to do their job for them!

I would have taken the meds if i was offered them.

oh course if your not bi-polar, schizophrenic etc, and only suffering with stress, your not going to be given intense therapy over someone else that needs it. I was given basic counselling through the doctor and a midwife later on because they found out i was pregnant. I was given 5 sessions and have been to one. I took my LO with me for the first as i was told it would be possible, but it turns out it is not policy for children to be present (which is understandable)

I don't understand how everyone can keep saying i am being stuborn and refusing help???

Perhaps encouraging your DP to get help would be useful too.

Would think either of you would be entitled to help from Mental Health team, sorry if you've mentioned already ( I have skimmed thread).

Mental Health Nurses (or CPN's) can be really helpful and they can usually come to see you at home, so having no childcare is not a problem.

Not so sure stubborn's the word; maybe more like lost and confused ... There are contradictions in your posts, which make it hard to understand where you're at. I'm worried about you, as are your other respondents.

I hope you will go back to your doctor. Whoever gave you the idea you have to be "mad" (paraphrasing your owrds) to get real talking therapy was wrong. I had 26 sessions with an NHS psychologist, following referral by my GP for depression. As housewife says, it sometimes is necessary to lay it on a bit thick! If that's what it takes, why not open your heart and do it? You are as entitled as anybody else to the service :)

Something has to change in your life OP. Also in your DH's. I understand that you don't think seperating is the answer and maybe it isn't. If your DH really is, on the whole, the lovely man you describe & only acting in an abusive way because of MH problems then his MH problems MUST be addressed now musn't they? His GP would be the best starting point for that or, if he has already had involvement from a CPN/counsellor/psychiatrist etc. (I have read the full thread but can't quite remember what you've said) then hopefully he can receive help by working with them again.

The situation at your DH's work HAS to stop. Now. If that means leaving his job then so be it. He definitely (from what you say) has a case for constructive dismissal at a tribunal, although, I understand that might be too stressful for such a depressed person to go through with at the moment. It is DEFINITELY something to seek serious advice about as soon as your DH is a little better though - and I think it probably has to be done within a certain amount of time from leaving the job. I would never, ever, normally agree with a person leaving paid employment to go on to benefits but in your DH's case I would make an exception! He will not get better - and therefore your problems will not go away - whilst he is suffering such horrific bullying on a daily basis. He can then look for another job where he will be able to support his family whilst being treated like a human being (i.e. the norm).

Good luck. For the sake of yourself, your DH, your DCs & your new baby I hope things do improve very soon.

My husband has been trying to seek help since we first argued. and as NHS services are not available to him yet, he has arranged his own male counselling through the church, (although they are not trained professionals.) My husband is taking anti-depressants.

I have requested other help but it wasn't avaiable to me. The situation as the police station didn't even warrant any further intervention from any source, but the policeman really wanted me to get some extra help as i said i had been struggling. We went for a Mc Donalds before and had a chat, so he knew how hard i had been working to get somewhere.

I don't have parent's or a best friend that i can share anything with, i am on my own all day unless i go to a baby group or something. Even then it's just surface chit chat. I don't have anyone that i am able to confide in at the moment apart from my midwife (who is not a medical expert) and i only see her every few weeks. I can talk to my husband about somethings, but he is a man and doesn't always understand, and doesn't always know how to help. Sometimes I would just prefer to talk to a another woman.

Sometimes my husband just does my head in because he is ALWAYS worrying i will try and top myself again. I feel like i can't breath. I understand why he worries, but it's like it's over the top. He is always asking me how i'm feeling, and if i lock the bathroom, he knocks every now and then to see if i'm still ok. I hear him crying quietly because he thinks his going to come home to find me dead. That is why we have argued because i have made a promise that i won't do it again, I never will, yet he can see i'm not doing to good and constantly seeks re assurance. He is a gentle man usually and would never shout at me the way he has recently.

The stress that's going on around is stretching our coping mechanisms. That is all. We have argued twice in front of the kids (they were in the house) but it was just raised voices, and a few times on our own, there has been a push and a shove when it was just the two of us. he has been personal and nasty to me saying things like, i wish i never married you, your a selfish cow and i hate you. To me it was really hurtful.

if separating is what we have to do, if we are unable to behave and speak to each other with respect, then we will put that into practice. We both love each other and want to have a happy healthy marriage and family and allready feel it's gone far enough. We are seeking help in every way we can.