Is she trying to ruin my marriage?

[oceana]

Hi everyone. I haven't been here for ages. I just don't know where to turn with this. It is driving me crazy and I thought maybe if I post it here then it might help... I don't know. OK, so my husband went out with work a couple of days ago. I got a (very drunken) phonecall from him to tell me that one of the women who work for him (lets call her woman A) put lipstick marks on his collar. I've never met this woman and I told him I was angry that she'd mess with my marriage like that. He got abusive with me and hung up. The following day I was absolutely furious about it and I was going to go into his office to have a chat with woman A (this is unlike me. I do not like confrontation but I really felt this was completely unacceptable behaviour). Anyway, my husband came home at lunchtime. Everyone in his office knew he was coming home and knew why. About 40 mins after he left (so she knew he would have been home) she starts sending him texts, really overly familiar texts calling him nicknames and "hun" etc. She says in these texts that there are photos of him on another girl's phone that "ya wife wouldn't want to see". She is making out that there are these really incriminating photos. So bad that one has been deleted so that the girl who's phone it was on wouldn't "get in trouble with her boyfriend and your wife". He called the girl with the pics and asked her about them. she said it was just a pic of three of the girls sort of hanging off him and she was kissing him on the cheek. Anyway, I don't know if that's true or not. all I can think is that there is absolutely no reason for woman A to be texting him about this. I don't know this girl who apparently has these photos nor would I ever have access to these pictures so why the need to text my husband about it when she knows he is with me?? My head is spinning. My husband says he's had stern words with woman A and that she knows now she has to keep it professional... but I don't know. Now I am doubting everything. I have never encountered anything like this before and I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. I'd really really really love any help anyone can give me. I live away from home (other side of the world!) and I really have no support here.
If you've read to here... well done :) and thanks xx

you are the one making multiple posts, mj

if you are happy to effectively tell the Op she is a nutter and the one in the wrong, then on your conscience be it

I am happy with my assessment of the situation

her husband deserves the rap, end of

mj, you are a piece of work! I am actually laughing about this now. Bizarre behaviour. I apologise if you thought I was shouting at you. I was typing on my phone and had no bold or underline function but I felt the words needed to be stressed to you as you seemed to have missed them and I felt they were important. If I were shouting at you I think I may have typed the entire post in capitals. Excuse me if I slightly forget the correct etiquette of mumsnet, I haven't been around in a while but isn't that how it works? As for saying you thought I was psycho... well, perhaps we have different definitions of the word but if a woman went into her husband's office and caused a "huge scene" "accusing everyone in sight" of disrespecting her marriage, I would consider that unhinged behaviour. The fact of the matter is, I didn't but more than importantly, that wasn't even what I was thinking of doing. I was pointing that out to you.

It isn't about not wanting to hear anyone who doesn't agree with me, for what it's worth, I agree with AF about it being his fault but whether he has actually done anything worse than what I know about, I doubt that. AF hasn't been aggressive or misreading what I've written. It occurs to me that you are somewhat like this Woman A, attacking another woman is rather easy when you don't know them and don't have to face them. It saddens me that women can be so nasty to each other. The reason I left mumsnet in the first place was because I thought it had become really bitchy and cliquey. I'd forgotten that.

There is no need to be so righteous and aggressive. If you were really saying I'd overreacted, that's all you needed to say.

oceana although MN does have a slight reputation for victim-blaming at the moment, let me reassure you right here it is not the majority view

I am quite happy to be scathing ahout your husband, because I think he deserves it

but you don't

what did you do to deserve this ?

nothing

oceana, ignore MJ, she seems to be on something.

AF is bang on as usual, don't get mad at the wrong person here, focus on your H. Otherwise, ignore the stupid women, they only want to wind you up, and it's working.

Many women can be mean, but many of us don't subscribe to that.

If you need support oceana, stick around love. it's always a bit of a shock when you first dive in, but you soon get used to it!

Stick the boot in even further, whydon'tcha

Kinda low

Well he's being extremely disrespectful at the very least... and can I add spineless to that too!

Oceana, your husband's behaviour towards you sounds incredibly disrespectful - what are things usually like in your relationship? When you said he was abusive towards you over the phone - is this a regular occurrence?

Hope you're ok tonight

I would like to say a really huge thank you to AF, Hissy, turnipcake and all the other lovely ladies who have been so kind to me. It really has helped. I just felt so alone and was driving myself crazy over analysing everything. His behaviour is unprofessional but unfortunately not unusual or out of the ordinary in his industry. In fact, you wouldn't last in that industry if you didn't go out drinking with them. That is just how it is. I have accepted that for years. I have seen many inappropriate photos of him with girls. And by that I mean young, drunk 20 somethings hanging off him etc. I can't say I loved it but I certainly didn't think it was any threat to me or that disrespectful to me either. (so the image of me being this out of control jealous type is just wrong) This was different. This was a 30 something divorced woman with a child who sent a direct message into my home not just once but several times... drunkenly and then the next day extremely soberly.

As to turnipcake's question, no he isn't exactly often abusive but it isn't unheard of either. When he drinks to excess he can be horrific. I call him Mr Hyde. He never remembers it. Anyway, I think out of all this he may have realised that he needs to have some boundaries with work people, that despite what professional role models he's had in the past, or what is usual behaviour in his industry, he needs to have a bit of distance from the people he works with. Also, I think he's finally realised that he does have a drinking problem. As I said, he says he's not going to drink any more. We will see how that goes. He usually drinks every night... quite a lot by most people's standards.

I was so angry but then I had no where to direct it so I think I just internalised it and that manifested as depression. Not fun. I was in a vulnerable state and I think that's why the negative comments and misrepresentations of me on here got to me. This definitely isn't my fault. If anything perhaps in the past I have been over confident and too permissive? Anyway, I just feel very far from home. Very very far!

These other woman wouldn't have had the chance to wind the OP up if her husband hadn't given them the green light to do so. He's telling all the women in the vicinity that he's up for fun and games and piss-taking out of his wife if they all feel like it. He's a grade a cock. Not only does he have to stop drinking, he has to stop going out on the piss with all his workmates. He's not a lad in his 20s he's an adult man with responsibilities and a family.

Oceana, I may have missed it, but are you overseas? Because that puts you in a very difficult position.

You know something op? It's a weak man who blames his industry a weak one.

My husband could be on the lash in countries all over the world with female colleagues and local 20 somethings drooling over him.

He doesn't though. Why because he isn't weak, egotistic or a bit of a knob.

Your husband sounds all 3. I was thinking it was something that got all out of hand, but seems he has form no?

His reluctance to report it and deal with as sexual harassment, which it is actually quite vindictively so. Would lead me to suggest there is more to it. Especially when he has all the back bone of an ant.

Oceana, I know what you mean re industry where drinking ALOT and going out is part of life, been there done that.

When you work like that it, the madness all seems normal and people on the outside look on aghast but you don't see whats wrong until sometimes it is too late.

In that world I watched a woman decide she was going to have the boss and her behaviour was not dissimilar to the woman you describe. Men are blind to a woman like this who won't stop until they get what they want, certainly the woman I worked with didn't care and busted a marriage that wasn't without its problems but she made it easy for the man who was so weak to walk. She spotted his weakness and my god did she work on it.

Her insidious drip drip behaviour, making him feel he was right and his wife was wrong/mad/dull went on and on for months and he took the easy route, (easy lay) and busted up the lives of his wife and children. Sadly we all saw what she was doing but no-one could stop it. She flattered his ego, provided an escape from the mundane life that can be marriage and children.

Your husband may have been in a weak/compromising position through drink and trying to be one of the boys but he needs to set some very clear strong boundries otherwise this woman is going to cause you problems.