Is she trying to ruin my marriage?

[oceana]

Hi everyone. I haven't been here for ages. I just don't know where to turn with this. It is driving me crazy and I thought maybe if I post it here then it might help... I don't know. OK, so my husband went out with work a couple of days ago. I got a (very drunken) phonecall from him to tell me that one of the women who work for him (lets call her woman A) put lipstick marks on his collar. I've never met this woman and I told him I was angry that she'd mess with my marriage like that. He got abusive with me and hung up. The following day I was absolutely furious about it and I was going to go into his office to have a chat with woman A (this is unlike me. I do not like confrontation but I really felt this was completely unacceptable behaviour). Anyway, my husband came home at lunchtime. Everyone in his office knew he was coming home and knew why. About 40 mins after he left (so she knew he would have been home) she starts sending him texts, really overly familiar texts calling him nicknames and "hun" etc. She says in these texts that there are photos of him on another girl's phone that "ya wife wouldn't want to see". She is making out that there are these really incriminating photos. So bad that one has been deleted so that the girl who's phone it was on wouldn't "get in trouble with her boyfriend and your wife". He called the girl with the pics and asked her about them. she said it was just a pic of three of the girls sort of hanging off him and she was kissing him on the cheek. Anyway, I don't know if that's true or not. all I can think is that there is absolutely no reason for woman A to be texting him about this. I don't know this girl who apparently has these photos nor would I ever have access to these pictures so why the need to text my husband about it when she knows he is with me?? My head is spinning. My husband says he's had stern words with woman A and that she knows now she has to keep it professional... but I don't know. Now I am doubting everything. I have never encountered anything like this before and I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. I'd really really really love any help anyone can give me. I live away from home (other side of the world!) and I really have no support here.
If you've read to here... well done :) and thanks xx

Well I went right off this woman when I read the word "Ya."

He is desperate that you don't speak to this woman, so desperate that he came home from work to prevent it happening and emailed his boss, too.

That, to me, is strange.

I still think there is more to this, he seems to be OTT in trying to sort this, which could indicate he is trying to cover his tracks. Being abusive when he first called you is another red flag.

The other red flag is that you seem to be thinking something is going on - what are your instincts telling you?

Poor you it's horrible feeling like your that party pooper sat at home with the kids. What a cow, I suspect there isn't much to it other than jealousy but I would be suggesting that my husband didn't socialise with these people/that woman anymore she is clearly out to make trouble for him. I think that he phoned you asap is a good thing and can see why he didn't want a show down at work.

You know him best and if their is no other indicators of an affair or that anything has gone down then i would let him make it up to you( he should be desperately sorry) and move on on the proviso that he has nothing more to do with her. I suspect this woman just likes the power.

Forget what he may have done, he DID get someone elses lipstick on his shirt. He admits there are probably those pics too I assume? That is bad enough for me. I would be making things clear. If he goes to parties he doesnt drink much or anything. If he can't control what happens when he drinks at parties he doesn't drink.

Agree that it is not a sign of guilt. You were going to go to his office? That's crazy. I to would rush home to stop a DP doing that, guilty or not.

Are you happy to stay married to a twat like this ?

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him

No sane, mature, decent bloke gets caught in situations like this

I dunno what he has been up to

These women may be the Harpies From Hell for all I could care

But would I like to live like this ?

Fuck, no

Does your dh normally 'harmlessly' flirt? He possibly likes an ego boost from other women and now it's gone too far. I hope he's extremely sorry and doing everything he can to make it up to you.

Two possible scenarios come to mind.

A: One of his work colleagues on a night out, probably drunk, decides to put lipstick on his collar. He calls you to let you know, drunk colleague witnesses you going ballistic and him telling you to get stuffed.

Next day you threaten to go into his place of work and have a go. Rather than have that happen as its embarassing and unprofessional, your DH has to come home and his colleagues decide to wind it up a bit more by sending texts.

OR

B: On a work night out your DH gets pissed and snogs some girl getting lipstick on his collar. One colleague takes a photo and another one threatens to tell you. Your DH decides to pretend that it was done maliciously by someone in his office. He's taken aback by your reaction and when you threaten to go into work to have a go at her DH knows that can't happen as she (and possibly other work colleagues) will tell you the truth, so he comes home. Not wanting him to get away with it, they text him to say that they have evidence.

I suppose it could be C: Other - but which sounds more likely?

People who I used to work with used to send each other porno e-mails, being very generous to your dh here, it could be they are having a massive laugh about him getting into trouble with you (they sound utter juvenile twats) and woman sending texts may have been making them up with her colleagues. How old are they?

Either way, taking it into his place of work isn't good. This is about you and your husband - do you really want your relationship to be the biggest source of amusing gossip in his place of work?

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like he's about 18 and a tw*t at that

Just what anyfucker said really

and he got abusive towards YOU on the phone

Why are you - a mature sounding, sensible, mother of small children - still married to this excuse for a man?

Time to get angry and get out I think.

He was abusive to her on the phone. That's wrong. For a start.

i'm just shocked at the dissonance between the OP and this person she is describing...he is a father ffs, he's being abusive to his wife over the phone, getting involved in all sorts of pseudosexual shit at the hands of these office women and frankly doesn't sound mature enough to be married...He doesn't sound ready for commitment.

and he's taking it out on HER!

'(although far from being the uptight guy, he's mr fun, mr charisma and mr drinks waaaaaaay too much). '

OP, you are feeling depressed because depression is when anger turns inwards. You're justified in your anger but he isn't allowing you to express or even feel it - you're being reassured, falsely by the sound of it and you're actually feeling (I surmise - could be wrong) that this JUST doesn't cut it.

Are you fed up with him generally? I would be if my DH was Mr drinks way too much, tbh. However 'charismatic'.

Just sympathy really. And trust your instincts.

"I told him I was angry that she'd mess with my marriage like that. He got abusive with me and hung up"

This is a red flag.

As is the rest of the behaviour. He's acting like he has something to hide.

It's not the woman at work who is the problem for you, it's him.

I too think there is more to it than just 'pranks'

Why would he ring you to tell you he had lipstick on his collar?

You say its odd and childish but you could also say its a guilty panicked man trying to cover his tracks, he sounds like hes using that old 'shes mad' excuse [re the lipstick woman]

He's associating with some seriously immature people and seemingly trying to placate them as much as his wife

I would question his motives for staying in this employment

with this kind of morality around him

and these kind of people

and he is compartmentalising