Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

noseinbook good girl! that's the spirit.

MadameO: coming from you, of all people, that is an honour. I am truly touched by your words and feel very emotional.

That and the words of tasteslikechicken on the vent thread and I am welling up.

The words were not directed at me, but really made me think. It's a long post, but one well worth reading from the POV of our DC.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1343040-Need-to-vent-I-have-no-one-else-to-talk-to?msgid=28486395

here is an excerpt:

Recently though I have had to acknowledge that my mother was complicit in my abuse as she failed to do what I couldn't and she should have i.e. flee this relationship and make us both safe. That is a dreadful thing to admit to yourself and also never share with your mother. But the feeling of knowing that my mum could have been protective and wasn't is a painful one.

After all that time of thinking that I had to stay for the sake of my boy, I now realise that in fact, the decision I took to leave, was for the sake of my boy. the best thing I could have done.

After so long of being in the wrong, being stupid, worthless, shit, then feeling I've failed, let him down; carrying the shame of being the only LP in the Infant School that I know of, (that I'd choose to have a coffee/natter with IYKWIM) Finally realising that I did the right thing, for the person I love more than anything is quite an emotional shock.

My background is one of childhood abuse too. Not by my parents, who sadly were incapable of noticing anything. DF because (I believe) he has Aspergers, and DM because it was a survival tactic given her mother's unpredictable rages. It has taken me a very long time to get through my anger and bewilderment to my current understanding. Part of which is of me, noseinbook. Although I am a true skeptic, I do magical thinking. For me, it was a survival tactic perfected in childhood. I beleived that once I left home (uni was my salvation, as evacutation had been for my DM.

My self-esteem back then was non-existent. University was a chance to reinvent myself. And while I was at it, I rode to the rescue of OH and thought we were going to re-invent ourselves together.

Sol says he hasn't replied. Watch this space. My problem is one of financial abuse, and it cannot be resolved until we have negotiated the financial settlement. And I have little choice but to have him living here and finance our joint living expenses out of my ESA. I am but so I should be.

sorry
I believed that once I left home I would be free to be my true self, whatever that was or meant.

And now you will be nose, free to run...drip sneeze, snort and all other things nosey!!!!!

never stopped really, ain't done so bad at having a good life despite all this. Just never free of financial worry (I nearly overlooked opportunity to use angry emoticon, but thanks to hissy I did the right thing!)

been free to pick myself, squeeze my blackheads , turn up, and of course wiggle like Samantha [who helped me get through my teens].

Hope things are reasonable with you all.

Wasn't free to run, though. I had a ball and chain attached to my ankle (to change metaphors), so I could go anywhere - in theory - but in practice not. Sounds a bit like slavery to me

Don't worry, feel fine, just thoughtful Went for lovely walk by a river, and saw some good friends.

Funny how much freedom you can have but not actually feel free.

My OH was/is so lazy he barely figured most of the time except when he was throwing his weight around (funnily enough he's more intrusive and present now he's out of the house in some ways), certainly it makes little or no difference to my work load now he is gone! And yet the emotionall burden of thinking of/for/about him was enormous and clouded everything...even getting between me and my lovely children.

On a different note, I've been ill this week (still am) my body has just shut down and won't shake the tummy bug at all. Inconvenient is not the word...but it has given me some brain space in a funny way................just hope the DCs don't succumb.

Hi, thanks to fools for pointing me in the direction of this thread.

I have just written a (rather ranty) blog post about women who are abused not getting the help they need and was looking for links to help anyone who stumble across my blog post.

I wondered about linking to this thread, as the list of links at the beginning is truly impressive, but didn't want to do so without asking first as it may bring people to this thread, and it seems like an invasion of privacy.

If you would prefer I didn't, I would copy these links into a new thread and link to it.

just on the background of abuse point, I have in the last 2 years realised my mother is a massive narcissist who only thinks about herself and is incapable of really caring about anybody else.

I do wonder sometimes (and dh says this) whether I am just looking for abuse where it doesn't exist (dh says I read too much) or whether I have attracted another abuser after years of my mother. my mother hasn't really tried to contact me in all of the time I've been separated from H (after a 23 year relationship) and is apparently upset with me over something...

H isn't narcissistic though.

It would appear that we were set up for abuse from our childhoods, whether that was down to an intentional action by parents or a misunderstanding of what is needed to feed the emotional needs of a young child to enable them grow into a self assured individual due to issues they have carried forwards from their own childhood.

Maybe not always..I may live to see the light differently though!

My DF had a temper which made me over excuse my Oh's temper BUT he said sorry, spent time with and the small amount of money he had on us, had a usually good relationship with my DM who was very much built up by him saying how great she was, as she had very low self esteem. They made many mistakes and were a product of their age and their ages (very youn g when they had me) and had little education and worse examples from their early life ( both bereaved of parent young and then had non-coping depressed other parent).

I think I walked into my abusive relationship because I was naive and in love, had little experience of relationships and low self esteem, I pandered to the abuse because i "can mend anything/one" with love and diid not see that I deserved better. And even when it became severe I only left because of the damage and hurt it was inflicting on my eldest 2 DCs...I still have to find the me that believes I myself deserve better.

So currently I blame myself but blame more my OH who should be the man I thought he was ,not the entitled, self-obsessed egoist that he actually is.

Hi all :)

Hard day at work today, I walk in the house, the conversation goes like this.

me "Hiya everyone alright"
H "see, your tea is out when you come in, not like when I come in, mind you, your friends are always here when I come in" (friends here once or twice a week)
me (changing the subject) "this mash is nice isnt it DS?"
H - "of course it is I made it"

pause

H - "will you not park the car with the wheels at an angle because muck gets in them"
me - I dont reply

finish tea

me- "H do you want to start DS homework and I will wash up"
H - "no - I'll wash up, when you do it I only have to do it again because you dont do it properly"

I'll never be good enough will I ................

just reread that and realised how silly it all sounds - so why do I feel crap.....

Nope, but well done for donning the teflon overcoat and not rising to the bait!

I am certainly not laying the blame for abuse at the feet of our parents, it lies firmly with those men who seek out exactly the sort of woman who will fit his particular methods. However you did say that you had low self esteem and THAT is my point, our legacy from childhood. And most of the time I don't even think that the parents were aware that building their children's self esteem was part of the job description - hence the surprise of a lot of people on the stately homes thread, both parents and children. It certainly doesn't seem to be something which has been actively encouraged in this culture, probably a left over from the victorian era!
I can't admit to having thought this through properly yet either, is more literary musings after some lightbulb moments in my own life, so please excuse me if I am either talking in generalisations or being too self-specific. I am not too sure quite where I am or where I am going with all this at the moment...

You feel crap because it's always like that and you were being sniped at throughout the conversation...he good, you bad...all the way through...doesn't sound silly at all. he sounds pathetic and needy to have to put you down. If it was just a bad day you'd get over it, but it's not just today is it?

IWBF it doesn't sound petty, it sounds like the stupid little digs designed to make you respond or to demonstrate how useless you supposedly are.
Well done for a brilliant dose of ignoring

Thanks fool and nettle, was slipping into the "is it me" way of thinking.

I know I'm not going to tolerate this for much longer - getting stronger every day, my day will come.

Thanks for the support - really appreciate it.

IWBF xxxx

nettle sorry...didn't mean to sound like I was disagreeing...or even over justifying (though I may be) just some musing of my own as I wonder why/how I got into this mess. yes the low SE was(?? is) an issue..despite quite massive achievements in my RL in the past.

"I'll never be good enough will I ................"

IWBF - no you won't ever be good enough and realising this is actually a lightbulb moment - I exhausted myself endlessly trying to be good enough and trying to please my ex and make him happy. But here's the thing. We are not responsible for making them happy.

notsuch thankyou, the dimmer switch is definately getting brighter and has switched from an energy saving bulb to a 100w one.

I know what I need to do for me and my DCs - just hoping to get the strength to do it soon.

IWBFxx

FOTH didnt see it as a disagreement. Of course i am influenced by my own experiences, and as the thought that I might belong on the Stately home thread is new to me I am tending towards generalisations

Switches on Football Pitch FLOODLIGHTS.

IWBF - you certainly will be. You are getting it, really getting it. Well done for staying so calm and collected

swivels floodlights to illuminate IWBF and FOTH who, though in different places and different stages may both need some extra help seeing what's going on as they deal with aaaargh...the weekend!

Send strength to IWBF so that she knows if/when and how to leave...

and to me cos guess who'd going to be messing with my head and he children's emotions today and tomorrow????

Girds loins, dons teflon overcoat, stout boots and hard hat.....