Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Someone who knows better than me will be along, I'm sure. Hang in there!

Fool, I can't really help as mine's still here. No doubt I'll be coming to you for advice once he's gone though as you WILL have survived the trauma and have lots of helpful words . Keep strong xxx

I've not been posting here recently, for no other reason than have got stuff going on and I am supposed to do work now and again! I have however been keeping an eye on this thread. Lurking mostly I suppose!

I wanted to say that I can see that there are lots of new names here, and while it's sad circumstances that bring us all here, can I just say that even when the names that started the thread here are elsewhere, I have seen how much you are all supporting one another and are really a huge credit to this thread!

Thank you. You are not only supporting one another but are keeping a vital space for others to lurk, to gain strength from, and somewhere kind to turn to, where you are understood and loved, right from the start.

nose loving your work btw! you are great on this thread! you recently said this: Can you pre-empt him next time? It's a real pain having to come up with something to outwit outflank him, but I think it is worth it. (Or perhaps someone will be along to say that is passive-aggressive?)

Well sometimes Passive Aggressive is all we have! Better Passive Aggressive than straight forward Passive eh? If ANYONE comes on here and starts kicking shit about, don't anyone think twice about PMing me and I'll come STORMING in for support if need be! I've seen some pretty bloody idiotic thinking/comments on MN recently and I'm happy to correct if need be. I ffing hate bullies!

FOOL, it will get better, as you understand truly that you really ARE free of him and that he no longer inhabits your home, that you set the rules in your 4 walls, that life does and will go on, and actually better than it did do.

I remember when X left, it was the first couple of weeks that was hard, but I read Lundy Bancroft and forgave myself.

I also learned the most important word in my vocab. The word NO. It was a turning point.

Once you say it and stand up to him, and then just repeat NO as needed, you will see him unravel sure, but that is his problem. WHY does he expect you to jump everytime he says so? What gave him that right?

He doesn't get to shout at your DC, for any reason, he's used up his quota.

He doesn't get to set the family outing rules.

Remind him that YOU are the head of YOUR family now and that YOU take decisions about where you will be and what you are doing. You make your plans and you stick to them.

You say you will meet him at the pool, you do just that, you leave your house and go to the pool for 5. If he's there, great, if not, you get on with it and he can catch up. (it will drive him BATSHIT, but who said you can't enjoy being passive aggressive?!)

He will soon learn that if he wants to be a part of your lives he has to (a) do as he's told, and (b) behave. If he can't do either, then you'll have to give the plans a miss for this week, the DC are off colour, and that you hope that everyone will feel better for next week...

Detach, detach, detach. Spectate this bugger, don't allow yourself to be dragged into his soap opera.

Practice saying NO to yourself in the mirror, No, that doesn't work for me. No, I can't do that I'm afraid. The big one: No, I don't want to do that. Over and over and over.

Meant to say Fool he's worse cos you are strengthening! It's a sign YOU are winning, you do know that?

thanks Hissy, not feeling the strength but perhaps cos I'm using it up on him??

Hissy I once came to do the washing up and found yucky rings of thick lamb fat all over the sink and washing up bowl where OH had just poured it down the sink. I then left a message from Dobby the House Elf on the fridge, explaining the recommended procedure.

DD then 19 said it should go on the Passive-aggressive notes site (can't remember its exact name). I refrained from saying how I had repeatedly discussed the housework with OH, how we had twice agreed to share it equally, and how nothing had happened. She also knew I'd put a list of who had done what last on the fridge, and later when that didn't work, a list of basic kitchen maintenance jobs which no-one took any notice of. Did not tell her that in a moment of desperation I had emailed OH, explaining how housework affects me especially when depressed, saying I had run out of ideas, and asking for his ideas on the subject. To which I got no reply.

Kids don't help much, though they do their rooms and bathroom, they think because they are working they don't have the time. I think they have taken their cue from him. But at least they are working, whereas until the last year or so he has not. (It doesn't make any money and he does it all the time and has spread it into the living room.)

While I'm on a housework rant, for the last couple of months I did very little, if OH wants to live separately he needs the practice, needless to say it all got quite grungy. Now the petition has been delivered I am doing some again, reckon if I live with pigs I don't have to live in a pigsty

Long post, can rant for England!

Yeah Fool, that might be it!

Once you get to the heavenly place that is IDon'tGiveAShit I swear your entire body relaxes.

I found it helped to look at the behaviour of/contact with these twats (technical term) as a huge wave. you can see it/them coming, but stand your ground, feel the twatness approach, feel it wash over you, and then let it pass you.

Your feet are strong, your foundations will hold. WHY? because you know that they can't keep it up for ever, their life is a lie, their power is a lie, they only rule by oppressing you, not by being greater than you, that's just impossible, they have no qualities to equal yours. If they did, they would have shown/used them by now.

See them for the failures they are, know that you are stronger than you think you are, and that you still have to find your power, but that it IS there!

Stop caring, detach, remove yourself from their drama, refuse to have them involve you in their lives. They won't like it, but that is their choice.

THEY CHOSE TO ABUSE YOU, that was THEIR choice, you asked, begged, pleaded with them to not abuse you, but they carried on anyway. Because they didn't see you as important enough to make that change. They didn't respect you enough to want be better for you. Their needs trounced yours. you were a shining light that showed them up, all your glow highlighted their flaws, so they started to strip away your strength, through lies, violence, fear and intimidation.

If you can't tell these worthless specimens of shite to Fuck the Fuck off and have some flaming respect for the awesome women that you REALLY are, then just say nowt, detach and refuse to engage. You really CAN do this.

It WILL get easier, but the next step, the one to smooth your life, is down to you. You have to detach.

I like the wave thing. Having a clear outcome in your mind helps I find - rather than planning things to say, which tends not to work because they always come out of left field with their replies (I had this with my DF, but mainly cos he has Aspergers, so already had some practice.)

Can I just remind everyone here and lurking of one very important observation I have made recently.

Let's see what numbers I am baseing my comments on:
The women in this Abusive Thread that I know fairly well, on here - I reckon that there are about 20 -30.

The Freedom Programme I attend weekly: There are about 12

The DV support group I attend as often as I can - again about 20 total.

That's over 50 women.

NOT ONE of them is a bimbo. NOT ONE.
Not one of them is boring, stupid, dull, ignorant.
Even those that haven't got degrees and stuff, they are eloquent, expressive, and energetic.
Feisty - that's the word men like to use for women that can't be told what to do.
Funny, witty, amusing - even when they are sad they often can come up with a funny observation.

IMHO, our abusers know that THEY are dull, unpopular, boring, ignorant. The reason they target US, successful, happy, spirited and expressive women is because we have what THEY lack. They think that if they possess us, they will acquire our glow. They realise they can't, so then they strip us of it.

I know it's odd, but we need to understand the truth that is, if we were bimbos, stupid, shallow, unpopular, ignorant, we wouldn't be targeted. Our friendly, open light and happy disposition is what draws these monsters in, like an ugly moth to a bright happy flame.

I'm not saying dull ourselves down, far from it, but I'm trying to help you all see that we are all wonderful women, great mums, friends, sisters, daughters. We love with abundance, we are loved by many. we are WORTH that love.

The sooner those that are still in these horrific prisonous (not a word eh?) relationships detach and stop caring about these vile evil monsters that want to destroy us the better we will return to being who we were, and in fact, who we were, but BETTER, cos we'll have lost a little naivety along the way!

OK, I'll shut up in a minute.

How many of us ask "But did he MEAN to do all this shit to me?"

Go on, tell me, this crossed your mind recently? I'll bet it has.

The answer is YES. he meant it, he planned it, he knew precisely what he was doing when he did it and WHY

HOW do I know this? (I asked my DV support leader)

Think about it. How many times has he tried to do something, to stop you doing x, y or z, but it has failed, you have shaken it off, his attack on you didn't hit the target, you didn't give up.

so he tried another tactic He pulled the tears, the Mr Nice, the threats, the sulking, the punishing, whatever it took to GET YOU to OBEY/Toe the line.

Oh he knows what he's doing alright....

So, let's be AS SINGLEMINDED with OURSELVES! The goal is to be free (this was what I did) I knew that to be free all I had to do was wait; wait for him to go back to the hellhole from whence he came. Sure it hurt like hell, the last day was beyond bonkers, those in the early threads, possibly the NPD thread that preceded this one were witness, I told them, it was just gut wrenchingly insane.

He panicked, he knew he was losing his grip on me, and it sent him over the edge. It was the most disturbing thing I'd seen up until that day. But I didn't back down. It took every last drop of courage and strength I had, but I had to hold my position.

I focussed on the day when I knew he'd be gone, I visualised it, reminded myself of all the stuff he'd ban from my life if he stayed (happiness, joy, family, friends, freedom, venus fly traps, etc, etc)

When you focus on freedom, happiness and being able to breathe in and out without your heart pounding outside your chest, the stomach sick to its very core, then you just don't let anything stand in the way of it.

Push through the fear, push through into the unknown, it's worth it. YOU are worth it.

Don't sit on hands!!!!

lovely Hissy xxx

WoW Hissy, my OH looks like a completely different person, even his face has changed...his behaviour is throwing me because he is usually a manipulator through "Mr Nice" which I was prepared to resist but it seems that he really can't keep that up and he's just clog dancing all over me as "Mr Nasty" (if my kids were older I'd be calling them Jeckyll and Hyde wouldn't I??).

If only he had some work coming up there would be a bit of peace...it's hard work being his only project!

I am so glad there are people still hanging around this thread who have clung on to that strength and courage..it helps me to feel like I might get there too.

Fool, my love! I find it really helps (once you're out) to remember the ALTERNATIVE!

Nothing like the thought of having that slathering leching bastard lying bac beside you expecting his 'rights'to keep you on the straight and narrow!

foolonthehill - hissy has given more excellent advice and inspiration than i am capable of.. I just wanted to add that I have been in that place too. I thought that it would all be over once I just GOT OUT. It was probably my darkest moment when I realised it was not over, he would be exactly the same, he would probably be exactly the same forever. It was horrible and it made me go to my gp to get signed off work for a while.

and.. it is better now. as hard and frustrating as it still is, i am much better at detaching. i love the image of a wave. i am becoming a rock in that sea, or maybe a ship sailing with my own purpose. accepting that he would not change allowed me to focus on what I needed to do to minimise his impact. and that actually is making a big difference.

so.. you are going to be ok. i have faith you will be just fine, better than ever in fact..

Hi everyone I wanted to give you all a little support.I am seven years into a very happy relationship but before that I had one abusive relationship after another from the time I was 15 yrs old.

Basically I was just dating the same guy over and over again.

Things only changed for me when I took a really hard look at myself and the choices I was making.I had some counselling but also did a lot of reading and research and actually went right back to my childhood to understand how I had become the person I was.

Once of the key things was snapping out of the victim mentality and taking complete responsibility for the myself and the choices I was making.

I had huge support from Refuge and in fact ended up working for them for a number of years as an outreach support worker.

I spent six years relearning who I was,what I liked and how I wanted my life to be.In the end when I really liked and trusted myself again and was happy I met my lovely DP.

Now I have been more in love.I had always had those intense passionate volatile relationships,but I can honestly say that I have never felt more loved or as happy as I do now.

I was 15 when I started my first abusive relationship and 35 when I ended my last.

Changing your life is not easy is not easy but it is totally possible if that is truly what you want.

Thanks lilly
This is my only abusive relationship, ever, but unfortunately has taken 14 years of my life and sort-of fortunately given me plenty of DCs who are great. So not all bad...just mostly. Funnily enough I still feel like I'm in here somewhere, not immediately accessible but I was a very content, happy, outgoing person before, i still feel like that person ( only without the contentment, happiness and outgoingness )!!

I am so glad that you have a happy balanced and rewarding life. I's encouraging to know.

Recovery goes in stages.

First few days, relief, tears then feeling of bottomless stupidity

Then Forgiveness of Self, sadness, mourning of what could have been

Fear, Anger, hatred.

Then the adrenaline you have been living on for the duration of the relationship, and the injection that comes with getting out starts to wane.

I think this tends to happen some months after escape. It's the most dangerous time for us, it's when some of us RETURN to the abuser. Our fear of the future, our lack of self confidence, his techniques have worn us almost to nothing, so we look for familiar....

So prepare and beware. Stay focussed and don't ever give yourself permission to return. The more you do this, the harder it is to escape permanently.

Fool, you ARE that happy outgoing person, but that person has been living with a 'dimmer switch' for the last 14 years. Time to CRANK HER BACK UP NOW BABY!

Hello everyone. Just reporting on the low level verbal abuse (I suppose technically it's verbal, though it consists of an absence of info), which has got me down today. It's the day by which OH is supposed to acknowledge receipt of the petition to the court, and although I've kept him up to date with the things I've done, nothing from him. He went out for an hour the other day, I hoped that he was seeing a solicitor, but am wondering if he drove to the court to deliver said reply. This may not seem like much, but I think this silence as to what is happening got to me today, I have been so tired that I kept going back to bed.

My solicitor send me an email a while ago saying she'd set aside some time tomorrow in case he hasn't done the above, but no reply when I asked for clarification. Think I need to have a word about communication Will feel better when I know what's what.

STOP!

Stop trying to second guess what this dick head is doing! this is exactly what he wants you to do.

You need to be totally blase about this, nonchalant and whatever. You are hanging on his every movement.

The solicitor has got time set by to counter this. They are used to this, it's no big deal.

Stop reporting into him, he is not involved in your life anymore, let the legal eagles tell him.

seriously! DETACH!

Hissy I am proud to know you. What fabulous words you write. You are sprinkling energy into a fair few lives here where it is much needed, including mine.
Thank you

noseinbookI absolutely agree with Hissy domestic abuse is ALL about power and control and he is trying still to control you.

Don't try and win this game,don't PLAY this game any more!

just adding my support into the mix. Lurker and occassional poster. had long termish (9 years) abusive relationship which ended 9 years ago- realised that I had had a series of abusive relatoionships, with the final being the worst.
Had some therapy- best thing ever - and now have a lovely DP who LOVES the fact that I am who I am, and I love who I am (and I love who he is too- sorry to get all gushy on this thread)
Realising now that I may have a reson to be moving into the Stately home thread as well - I wonder if thats a natural progression. Dealing with the immediate - dealing with the aftermath, dealing with the self and then dealing with the cause.......

I challenged my mum on one of her sayings, the old 'sticks and stones' one. I told DD that it wasnt true. And that actually the words could hurt far far worse than the sticks and stones. not quite sure mum agreed. but I wonder if its a saying that has made people think we should ignore stuff that is said to us so long as we are not being hit? I am sure it originates in believing in yourself enough that you dont care what people say, but lets be honest, we DO care what people say.

Not really sure where that little thought came from, hey ho....

Hissy I am being blase and nonchalent, but I'm also keeping track of my divorce proceedings. I wish he wasn't involved in my life, but we are still under the same roof, as he has no income, and I don't want to touch our joint portfolio till things are settled financially if I can help it.

Yes I know he's playing twunty games, and I am not playing them, in that I have not asked him what the situation is regarding his response to the petition (I'll ask solicitor today). He is always in the house, but I am hoping he'll see a solicitor as I think it will make negotiation easier - was hoping to use Resolution process, but seems unlikely now. So if he's out for an hour, yes I can't help wondering what he's doing, and hoping it's the right thing!

It was communication with solicitor that I was referring to as needing improvement, BTW

Actually am hoping he hasn't responded, as would quite like papers served on him - evil non-detachment I know.