Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Hi folks
I am weary beyond belief tonight after a lovely busy weekend socialising with people who are straightforward and kind. I deferred supper with H and DS (which we normally have on Sunday to plan the week for DS) till tonight.

I think I am being manipulated by H again. I HATE having him in my Little House with his beady eyes everywhere. But he tells me DS likes it, and he says DD2 also says it is important to keep things going for DS. Hmm.
DS is phlegmatic and doesn't seem to mind at all. I think I am being spun a line to keep contact going against my will.

weeble it is lovely to see you here. I hope things are ok and you are beginning to make a plan for what to do next.

Stay strong folks and detach! It helps you see clearly what is happening.

LWH spinning spinning I'm sure it is a line. My H will not take DCs out of house by himself, DCs don't want him in the house without me here. ..sounds similar. Playing happy families in case we fall for it????

Beattie - there's a surprise...you made him angry! Aw diddums. Speaking to you like that without DC's present is indefensible, having them present is bordering on lunacy.

Hello to the newbies, and she-who-does-not-fall-down (that's who I was referring to btw) Sorry you find yourself on here, but we will do our best to help and support you.

Hello - have been lurking on here for a bit and posting elsewhere. I am still not sure if I'm in an abusive relationship or not and things are not that bad so in some ways I feel a bit of a fraud being here so please be gentle with me :)
A brief history - have been with oh for about 15 years, have 3 children, I went back to work almost FT and oh started working from home most days (this all happened a year or so ago) and things have been going downhill ever since. I'm now half way through P Evans book on verbal abuse (having finished L Bancroft now). Some things are clear cut (oh will shout at me, call me a fcking btch etc during rows) but most of the stuff just seems so trivial and not worth making a fuss about. It is just that he keeps doing things which throw me. Today I took the kids to school. Usually oh does this but he couldn't today. Previously he has always told me about anything that I need to take (eg swimming stuff etc) as the school timetables are complicated and he has always dealt with that. Today he didn't - no major drama - I just had to go back to school with swimming kit - but when I mentioned the fact that he didn't tell me (as he always has before, expected a "sorry I forgot") he just looked amazed and said "why should I tell you - it was your job today". This is what I mean by minor - but it doesnt feel minor as I'm left feeling almost cut adrift as he always has told me before. This happens a lot - am I over reacting?

he has now just asked me if I think that I am slightly mad - not in response to anything - just as a comment.

living I know what you mean I think - it's a constant accumulation of little things that sound trivial in themselves if you write them down or tell them to a friend. Constant shifts in things which you thought you could take for granted.

Have you looked at any of the links in the opening post? It is only recently that it has fully dawned on me that I am the victim of verbal, emotional and financial abuse. Never physical - except from me I am ashamed to say, long ago near the start of our relationship, only when I was depressed.

Sometimes all i've had to go on is the way that he makes me feel...not very concrete, it's the accumulation that starts to make you question and then as you read you remember other things and the picture builds....just my experience. Also distance has helped living..now he is out of the house i can think about what he does much more clearly. So, I decided it was abuse, asked him to leave and now I am sure.

Glad you have posted

By the by: if there are any lurkers or posters for whom faith responses to abusive relationships are an issue i offer these links....

Domestic violence and the Church from a well thought out Christian Theologian

A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence by Leslie Vernick..a useful blog from a (very) American counsellor. She has also written books and resources.

The church has an appalling history of failing to support women in abusive relationships, often sending them back and urging submission. Slowly there is a more measured, supportive and Godly response being worked out...

Oh, whoops, did I kill the thread???????????????

Phew! Somebody here! Did think of starting my own thread, but prefer the relative privacy of this thread. And there is a lot of stuff I could write, because OH and I have known each other for over 40 years, so can't help but drip-feed (till the novel comes out, haha, would need at least 80,000 words!)

Sorry, as usual All About Me. How's it going, fool (and everyone)?

Hello ladies.
I am the same as Livingontheedge. Not sure if it is an abusive relationship or just a really crap one.
I looked at the most recent link about the good father. DH isnt as bad as the bad father page but he doesn't tick a single box on the good father page.

I dont think I want to separate because we have three children and they all seem happy. It is just me who is unhappy.

I admire all of you who have left or are leaving men who are not good enough for you.

Welcome...glad to have company! Drip away nose...
Not everyone has left their OH ronshar it's about gaining knowledge and making the right decision for you for now....

doing ok today thanks all. 2 weeks and 3 days now! best days are the ones where we don't see/hear from him. Kids doing so much better now remind me of this when life gets rocky again!!

'drip away, nose' . ...

My kids are grown up, young adults, one DS and one DD, both working and still living with us. DS is about to move out, he wants to keep his room his though, he may end up with a reality check if we have to sell.

I am glad in a way that I made it through to their young adulthood before finally splitting up. They love their dad and think he is great, he has been around a lot and has done the cooking for the past several years. They don't seem to understand that he has been a shit provider - well why should they, I have been shielding them from the truth and have only mentioned anything when on an angry rant.

And of course they just take it for granted that he does little or nothing round the house. It's only recently that I have learned how to keep things going - before that the house would get into an extreme tip and then I would burn myself out getting it perfect in one long intense burst. OH has never done things round the house when I have asked him to - just says no, usually - and the kids are the same. Hope they will respect their own partners when the time comes.

if my oh had left the children out of it I might well have stayed, but he has no boundaries and abuse was seriously affecting but having them all primary school age or below is proving to be very tiring...."this too will pass"

Just finished a Saturnian chief's outfit for DS1s assembly play tomorrow...'cos of course i have nothing else to do!!!!!

can I have a gold star and some sleep Pleeeease.....?????????????????zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hi new peeps and sorry you are in this friendly but unfortunate gang now!

The nature of this mind-bending emotional abuse is that you can't see it, it doesn't leave bruises and the bastards who practice it are so clever, articulate and manipulative that you can't quite catch them doing it.

All you know is that yet again you have been wound up to shrieking harpydom and are looking like the unreasonable one when you know you are not. Then you doubt yourself and think you are actually the problem, have a personality disorder etc etc. It's like a sneaky fox nicking from the bins. You never see him but the trail of damage is there.

The knack is to fasten onto small detail and write it down, or log it here. To stand back and observe. And gradually it becomes clearer that you are dealing with a twisty manipulator who is incapable of being straight. What you do next is entirely up to you but recognising the process is a lifesaver.

These days every contact with my H is a demonstration of emotional blackmail and passive aggression. And I log the texts and emails and am relieved to be out of his orbit so I can breathe and laugh and cry unaffected by him.

Littlewarm really identify with the 'wound up to shreiking harpydom' thing. You remember other stuff later, and in the solicitors office I remembered more...I think I tried to 'normalise' it, to stay sane.

I have to ask. What is a Saturnian chief and what does one wear? I was always hopeless at doing costumes, luckily nothing too difficult came my way.

Thinking about it, there was no violence, and I kept being buoyed up by the certainty that things would get better (when we had more money, when he knew what he wanted from life etc etc etc). The kids were fine (although I had mh problems (or did I, I wonder now) which we coped with). But I don't think I could have managed a split and keeping things together when the children were younger, even if I had realised fully that it was him, not me, at the root of our problems.

I too used to get wound up into meltdown, which of course was always blamed on my mh problems. I can be amazingly nasty in such states, especially if red wine is involved.

The little stuff - he came down today with wet hair as he was going out tonight. I said I had something to tell him, in a perfectly normal voice. He at least acknowledged this, then walked out of the room into the living room and switched on the hair dryer. I said to his retreating back that I'd tell him in a minute then. As I too was about to go out, more imminently, (though he didn't know this), I went in and started to tell him - and he at least switched off the hairdryer! (It was quite important financial stuff, but just a sentence or two of information.)

It sounds nothing, doesn't it. But it's just another instance of him prioritising himself over communicating with me, and used to make me feel very unimportant to him. Plus look at all the thinking I did, as displayed in the previous paragraph! I am a trained conversation analyst, but don't think I should have to do analysis of conversations with my husband as they take place - otherwise known as second guessing.

He went out somewhere this morning. Hopefully to see a solicitor.

Aaaah let me introduce you to the intricate workings of the 8 year old boy's mind: a saturnian chief is an alien chief from Saturn. When visiting earth they (apparently) wear blue skin, blue trousers and top (no problem so far) a golden coat with silver/blue chainmail and epaulettes with "pom pom" pips in blue and silver........it is a thing of rare beauty....and a special ceremonial hat (which Ds made when he saw the look on my face). Had to make it because we are celebrating being free, DS1 is doing so well, made costume for DD1 before split that took forever (fairness in all things!)......so silly o'clock bedtime again, hardly worth bothering.

As far as OH's on this thread i thing they are so far ahead in the priority queue they probably can't even see us way down here at the back. Glad he turned the hairdryer off...not sure mine would have bothered!

I think duh

A week or so ago, I updated him re my latest visit to the solicitor. He was sorting the collectables he sells , and didn't even look up. So I asked him politely to not do that at the same time. So he went on doing it. So I calmly updated him. And thought, why is he just confirming with everything he does, that I've made the right decision?

I thought the chief might come from Saturn. It sounds very impressive - will there be a lot of blue to get off afterwards? And now I'd like to know the story! (never satisfied)...

Blue everywhere I expect.................at least oh won't be here to squawk not on the sofa/wall/doorhandle..........

Yes confirmation...my OH has been so horrible to me and DCs so manipulative and so "entitled" ove r the last couple of weeks that all I can do is...gaze in amazement that he is in fact handing me the ammunition/motivation I need to keep us going............

the story is a mystery ( surprise) to me...lowly wardrobe mistress that I am........I will be back tomorrow to regale all with the enlightening tale, somewhere around o'clock

The nature of this mind-bending emotional abuse is that you can't see it so how do you know that it is not you? That is the question that I keep struggling with. Eg I've read the P Evans book. It says for example that I should set limits - say "I'm not accepting..." but then part of what I'm complaining about is that he says "I'm not accpeting ..." so how do I know that what I do not want to accepot is reasonable but that what he does not want to accept isn't? He always has some logical argument as do I.

living can you give a sample exchange?

For me, it was hard because I wanted him to do things he wasn't doing, rather than stop doing things he was doing IYSWIM