Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

fool You do not have to have him over if you don't want to. You have the right to retract Sunday lunch. You don't want him over: don't accept it!

(...had to resist writing the above in all caps.)

Also, as you well know, his problems (re: lunch ) are not yours. His threats are just attempts at intimidation.

iwillbefree - pretty much anything would be better than a critical, grumpy man. Puppies are an extra nice upgrade, though!

I don't know about legal advantages, but in terms of showing him that you are not about to be walked all over anymore, I would file just to take any power out of his threats.

thanks for that littlewarmhouse that was just what I needed, to remind myself that not all men are incessant wankers and self-entitled beyond belief. It wasn't even me he was being rude to (initially!) he just made the atmosphere on the bus very uncomfortable hence I felt the need to say something. Fool Just re-iterating what has been said, make sure it's on YOUR terms :o I want to do that assertiveness course it sounds fab! can I borrow the DC's workbooks when they/you have done with them?

Hi girls..I have so far to go in assertiveness. Problem is children want to see him, iI'm cooking anyway and still feel I have to prove it's not me who's controlling (to whom I ask myself?)

and don't like saying no...................therin all the can of worms that got me into this mess in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Puppy...I think I NEED CAPS! (and maybe a puppy)

He keeps reminding me it's the marital home and I can't keep him out (is this right??) No violence, just plenty of EA

Meant to say hi to Beatie and Wobble too . Do you know this afternoon my DM came over with a male friend of hers, he maybe slightly feminist but I didn't care anyway did some jobs around the house. He sat down for a coffee & Ds wanted to sit on his knee over GM's! :o I think the DC's warmed to him as it's the opposite of what they were accustomed to iykwim? IWBF how about swapping the grumpy 1 for both sides of the bed all to yourself? it'll happen one day, remember the baby steps :) x

I have so far to go in assertiveness.

That's OK. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'll bet that eventually, battling all his shit will show you that don't owe anything to anybody (other than your DC) and to learn to stand up for yourself even when you're put on the spot. And until you're able to react on the spot, give yourself credit for reacting even after the fact.

To be really assertive, at your core you need to believe that you are an OK person; that you have a right to be here, that you have a right to your feelings, that you have a right to say "no" to anything that makes you feel even a little bit queasy, without being worried that someone else will think poorly of you as a result. That feeling will strengthen in you with time: you've already taken a big step towards proper self-love and self-belief by throwing out the man who intentionally tries to put you down and make you feel low.

As for your legal Qs, refer to your solicitor or CAB.

Assertiveness workbooks and puppies for all!

very well put Puppy x

aaahhh I want both (puppies and workbooks)...

fool am a novice at this divorce lark, but one possible advantage of you divorcing him is that you can get in first at claiming costs against him, as I think even legal aid is repayable from the finances. But don't go on my word as I am still quite ignorant in this respect.

And I have found it quite cathartic being the one listing his unreasonable behaviour. Am amazed that he is still doing it afte getting petition, though, as I would have expected pride and the desire to prove me wrong would have kicked in. Everything he has done since has just confirmed that I am doing the right thing.

He's the one who said he wanted to live apart. But presumably at my expense??

Re assertiveness- I thought that I was and that was summat I didn't need to fix. But
I realised some thing I do this week. I don't like to sheild the card reader when I input my PIN whilst paying for something in a shop BECAUSE I worry that the person behind will think that I am implying they are not trustworthy!

Just a small thing. How ridiculous!

Anyone else need this , this and this ????

Too much OH this weekend, DD4's birthday tomorrow so he's here for breakfast and birthday tea .

I want him to GET OUT.

Only good thing is that he is playing his hand so wrong with the manipulation that I have gone from unsure to sure that I REALLY am doing the right thing.

His parents have joined in now. lengthy emails about me...the thing is some of what they say is right! He would tell me that I must communicate very directly and loudly to them as they are deaf and also tend to be very distracted. I did, so now they tell me I've been talking down to them....which is of course true..

just said sorry, twice, ( 2 separate emails detailing my faults) no justifications (really difficult not to)...don't suppose that will be the end of it? No.............

Stop the emailing stuff. tell them you are not interested in them all ganging up on you and that you consider them all abusive. Tell them that you are keeping their emails and should you receive anymore from any one of them, you will be taking legal steps to fight their harassment of you.

Foth agree with what Hissy said, don't apologise again, you've said it once, that's enough, and don't reply to any more. Try as best you can to ignore it now you've answered their Q's, as hard as it is. X saw DC's l.night, Cue Police incident which had all the roads blocked off; plan was for X to have a few hours on the sofa until it was over then go back home, went on until 5am this am, can you believe he STILL tried it on with me?! Promptly kicked the twit back out once given the all clear! :o x

Also Foth try not to let them/him guilttrip you in to anything, you know you have done best for and by yourself and the DC's. He'll say anything to make you look like the bad one, that's why mine told his employer, she's my ex-employer i got him the bloody job ffs! as was only leaving as found was pg! despite me telling her that he had been abusive he left a reference here the other week from her, detailing what a fantastic family man he was oh yeh they now all think I'm severely depressed! x

Oh Pixie... I don't know how you put up with him in your space overnight.

Work???? the gall, but then thay don't have normal boundaries do they? Why should we expect any better?

I have severely overdosed on OH this weekend, does my head in as trying to be grown up and not slag him off/point out faults with DCs around ( not reciprocated of course) he won't take them out, they don't want to go out...want me around...birthday tea this pm with his parents..and now apparently BIL and SIL........................DD4 very excited...they don't usually bother so much

fool alot of what you're going through seems similar to me. I would not (and will not be) responding to any of my in-laws' emails. I know that they are not going to believe me, and although I find that difficult to accept, I probably just have to move past that and not engage with them (it will just make me angry and upset I expect).

I have a question about what is normal for abuse. On Sat I saw Dh he was lovely. i started to think "oh this isn't so bad" and for a moment I recognised the him that I fell in love with. Perhaps fortunately, on Sunday it all changed. Within a few minutes of him arriving (Sunday is his day to have the dcs) it became apparent he was in a foul mood. he takes the dds to their swimming lesson on Sunday morning. now it was early, and I had got them breakfast, done their teeth, hair and got them dressed with their swimming costumes underneath. they had shoes on, and the swimming bags were ready. but when he arrived they were sitting watching cbeebies and were whinging a bit. It always takes us a while to get out of the door by the way. I was daring to be eating some cereal (had been up 3 hours, have terrible morning sickness that is only alleviated by eating, and had to go into work. So on getting her scooter, dd3 fell down.

"get off the fucking floor" said dh. (I mean really does anyone think it's aceeptable to speak to a 6 year old like this?)

Perhaps foolishly I then said "oh what a good father"

In response he said to me, in front of the dds (aged 6 and 8) and ds2 (aged 3) "you are such a fucking lazy bitch" and "you live in a fucking pigsty". I found it very upsetting.

later on I asked him 1. whether he thought it was acceptable to speak to me like that and 2. whether he thought it was acceptable to say those things in front of/to the dcs. his excuse basically was that I had made him angry. I had made him come early (when we had discussed swimming lessons etc), I hadn't got the children ready and I was sitting down. He really honestly seems to think that it was my fault that he spoke to us all like that. That it is caused by me. A further excuse is that because I threw him out, he isn't sleeping well, so he is tired, so it is ok to speak to the children like that. This isn't normal is it?

no it's not normal. It's shit. Get tough with him. TELL him not to do it again TELL him, don't ask him Protect your kids from him please

I've told him that I've stopped all access visits by him until he recognises that he needs help and goes to see a doctor/goes on a parenting course.

he tells me that I am being completely unreasonable.

I truly think he has gone mad. i really don't remember him swearing at the children or me in such a manner in the past, and it astounds me that he doesn't think that it's wrong. Glad you agree with me.

Update update....

after awful abusive weekend I have a letter of almost apology in my hand...with a mild case of I think I might need to get some help for my anger problem...

ahem...I feel much too little too late.....

Beattie..no no no no not normal, abusive.....only we would even question it because we cant see the wood for the trees in our own home...if it was anyone else we'd know wouldn't we?

Well done Beattie

Yes fool, too little too late indeed

Hello everyone - nearly 100 posts already and I've missed them all! Been caught up with THAT poster. Right, time to catch up!

Fool, get it framed and hang it in the LOO.

Tell him it's there, just in case you run out of loo roll.

It's worth THAT much.

Beattie, well done, tell him to fuck the fuck off (but out of earshot of the little ones eh? )

Oh btw Beattie - have you see this? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf The second page is what a good dad does.

A good dad would have said, come on kids, lets's get your coats, you sit there Mum, I can handle this.

what poster? what am I missing something?

well if you're around the relationships board there seem to be a few of "those" posters....are they one and the same Madame?? Because I want to lop off their typing digits, one by one, slowly...........

People have enough to deal with if they are finally getting out of an abusive relationship without people calling our sanity/honesty into question.