Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

tie

The kids have been in their rooms, apart from last night when he left (they headr then) they have been playing upstairs.

Have had a sleep this afternoon and my headache has gone. Ive just let the kids do whatever they want today.

I do feel like someone has died, its a strange feeling. He said some things today that I have been waiting for him to say for years but just think now its too late.

Thanks fool and everyone else for your thoughts and words of strength.

Love IWBF

Hi all. Strength to all of us. Think foot; think down. Thanks fool for taking the time to reply. He came back and admitted that he needed help. Grovelled to DD1.
BUT
Said he 'lost it' because the kids were 'behaving really badly'. OK now he had admitted behaving unacceptably why couldn't I 'just leave it'
The scene today was because I had told him I had had the papers for separation drawn up.
I had told him this last week. He had agreed and said to keep it civil until eldest finished A levels.
Things have been friendly for the past three weeks - obviously I can't trust him and another time Lundy - and you wise women - are right.
My problem is that I have no RL support whatsoever and nowhere to go.

fingers we are still in the same house, and since decree absolute I have separated the finances almost completely. We are lucky though, we have lots of rooms. I am in the master bedroom w ensuite. The day the absolute came through co-incided with a joiner installing a lock on my bedroom door, it cost £40 and really makes me even more able to live here as if it was a sort of house share with NCL and young adult DD, pending the financial settlement.

Hi pinkpussycat. I, too, have almost finished separating the finances. This, strangely, did not cause another outbreak. But he does not want to separate and he does not want to admit that his whole mindset needs to change. Cake and eating it comes to mind. I will NOT have the kids involved.

Sorry - take the bit about tranquil finances back. In the middle of his fit, he announced that he would not pay for DD2's ballet lessons any more. "Time, ladies, time"

Arthritic- as your fingers sound painful :) I will keep mine crossed for you that you summon the resolve to take action.

IWBF how are things for you today? Have thought about you over te weekend.

Things came to a head with DH and I on saturday. Lots of tears (me) and bewildered looks (him). There are two main isues left- he has said that hes really been trying not to be as controlling as previously and this is true, it's not been as bad but I don't think he really understands why it was an issue. He's just done it to keep the peace and whilst I am glad, the fact that he hasn't recognised it was wrong means it still irks. plus him biting his tongue means that his disapproval or dislike of whatever I'm doing comes out in furrowed brows and silences- so basically more stuff that makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Second issue is that he's got more secretive. Changed the passcode on his phone so I can't access it- normally pascode is there so it can't be activated by mistake- but now he's changed it and doesn't want me to know (eg on sunday I didn't have phone to hand and needed a number that was also on his, he made all the excuses under the sun not to let me use his phone.) he's changes it back again now but makes me wonder if he is playing a double bluff- whilst I am planning to leave and getting things in order to do so, what if he has an inkling and is arranging things so it is harder for me?

I am doubting everything! Trust no one (psst the seagull flies at midnight, wink wink)

Except yourself A difficult one, this, for all of us whose relationships have undermined our belief in our own judgement.

Fingers are, indeed painful - but not as bad a knees :) Thanks for asking Pink Pussycat.
H here is also trying to play Mr nice guy - not very well because he is not that good at it.
I suspect that this feeble attempt is because he thinks - still does not believe - that his home comforts are on their way out the door as soon as they can arrange somewhere else to go.
How to face up to this pathetic attempt to behave like a human being - especially when two wonderful teenagers would like it all to be ok? :(
Trust no-one, indeed. But the truth must be out there somewhere ...

That was YellowRibbon, not me :) As to knees, it's not tilll they start going wrong that you realise how much you took them for granted.

We have 2 young adult DC who think their D is wnderful and that everything is my fault (DD especially, DS is more 'adult'), and fool has some experience in a similar vein. Perversely, since kids seem unscarred except for some selfishness and lack of respect for me, I can only think NCL (ex) and I got something right at least - and a pretty important something at that.
I have always tried (with varying success) not to bad-mouth oh to them, and have decided to trust that time and maturity will give DC a different perspective.

agree with not bad mouthing....my Dcs are considerably younger and therefore less aware, but actually were the recipients of much abuse themselves so pretty messed up about their DF...a bit different to more successfully manipulative parents who spend their entire energy on their OH and are the "good guy" for the children.

However I truly believe that if we give them the tools they will sort out the truth of the matter themselves ( not least because the behaviour tends to escalate as we challenge it).

there is nothing like a healing amount of space to reveal what was really going on.

keep on keeping on all you would be escapees!!!!

agree about knees...ditto back and neck..........ah me when I think how I used to move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh no! don't mention backs. Agree wholeheartedly. Challenge. Suggest tools. Get over the idea that they have to do the work themselves. I don't think I fully realized that until yesterday. Space would be so wonderful. Where on earth do you go when there are four of you in a tiny house with nowhere else to go? :( Sorry, too, about your kids abuse, Fool. :(

space in the head...7 of us in average house!!!!!
space away from entitlement and eggshells!
space sometimes just outside the back door.......when it all gets too much

tools eg....after watching bridget jones diary...talk about the characters...look at Hugh grant's .........if you get into the habit of looking at behaviours (good and bad) you can spot the types a mile off. hopefully this will stand in good stead in real life.
And also reveals warped thinking if DCs don't spot what is going in (age appropriately of course!!!!!)

Well. I'm back in the land of reality. Those that know me, know I lived in a constant state of dread followed by la-la land "everything will be ok" My kids been feeling it. Its been getting worse and worse verbally and emotionally. His crap is now changed to sexpestering followed by abuse on refusal, sulking, being a hypocondriac , every morning something different wrong and "I don't understand" constantly belittling my family. Constantly picking on my older child.. constantly trying to argue with me at the drop of a pin over NOTHING. Trying to control EVERYTHING. Getting angry when I have already organised something that he's not happy with becos he has no control.I am being called names on a daily basis. He is like a 6year old having a temper tantrum. I am under severe stress, to the point the physical signs are now showing.

During this, and I suppose as a grasp of my own self control and that I still possessed it I gave up smoking. I am over a week off them now. He refuses to smoke outside because "why should I? I didn't ask you to give them up"
He leaves dirty ashtrays around and this morning put it right beside me,with a cigarette smoking in it, out of pure spite. As I got changed to take my kids to school I could smell the smoke off my clothes. I got so angry.

This morning when he had bothered for once to get up, the first words he said when he came into the kitchen was "who threw that shit on my computer" my handbag happened to be on the laptop. He had a fit. A rant.Called me names because I said there was no purpose in me putting my handbag on the laptop. Apparently I'd damage the screen. The laptop was shut. He was just looking for a war. He called me a "Cunt" while the kids ate breakfast... My youngest has taken to putting her fingers in her ears and singing LALALA when he does it. He tells her to shut up. He tells my oldest she is a lick, he has called her names recently as well. Neither kid wanted him to take them to school . I took them both while he ranted on that I was disgusting to make them take sides with me.He went back to bed. I stood there thinking This is my Life???

So, after 20minutes sitting here in the living room with the blinds closed.I picked up my phone, went outside for a walk and some privacy and made the call to WA.

I am shaking. Snotty, crying, relieved to tell someone professional.. I feel like I need to have a huge brandy or something. . . I wish I hadn't given up smoking but I'm not going to succumb.

Please have me back . I need your support and help to keep going.

welcomed with open arms...........Breakfree.......no-one on this thread is going to judge you, we've all been there in our different ways.

well done on the smoking...use it as a big 2 fingers to him to show that you are strong and brave and so much better than him.

STOP beating yourself up, we do what we can when we can!!

well done on phoning WA...keep that momentum!

Hi breakfree. I just joined. :( at constantly being called names. :) at the idea of never being called names again - EVER.

breakfree you are as welcome as you ever were. After all you never really left did you? I'm so sorry. Well done on phoning WA.
Do you have an immediate plans?Are you able to remove yourself and the children at at all?
xx

bump for those who need!

You ain't no fool!

((((Breakfree)))))

I found giving up the fags really scares the shit out of them.... It shows them that you are strong, determined and putting your health and well-being first! It also shows them that if you can kick a drug, you can kick THEM... ;)

Hugs to all

Just took papers to solicitor. By April, it should all be finalized. Don't know how I feel. Horribly bruised (emotionally, I hasten to add!), but everything H says confirms that I can't see any other option.
His last verbal attack was on Sunday - and this is him trying to be good.
When I told him I had taken the papers in, his first comment was to say 'Oh, you seem to be taking it fine. What about poor ME.'
I suppose I should go back to the list on Lundy's webpage and tick everything - just for quite unnecessary confirmation that I am doing the right thing. :(

Just went through Lundy's list of signs of change and - yes, I don't know how you all guessed it - but he doesn't get a single yes. After 30 years, I still don't know if knowing that makes me feel better or worse. Please note, wise women, that, while I was the one sorting things out with the solicitor, he was off having his teeth seen to. S'pose that's another 'poor him' moment?

Solicitor or dentist? Well I know which I'd prefer to go and see

Here, fingers do have a piece of my attitude of wry amusement - there's more than enough to go round. I now quite enjoy noticing the things NCL says, what on earth do these men think they are trying to achieve with their remarks?

Hi PinkPussycat. Thanks for attitude :) Definitely need some.
I really am finding myself smiling at the utter fuckwitted bollocks nonsense I am only now noticing.
I must have been listening to it for years!