Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

What he says can safely be regarded as cobblers if he is not willing to give you any money for the present moment. This is needed urgently regardless of whether or not he is willing to talk about the future.

Have you informed Tax Credits, how old are DC, do you work, (sorry you must have posted that somewhere upthread, too busy to search)

Does Ch B go to you?

Thankyou girls, just been able to get on. Got my boys in bed with me now both asleep.
Basically after slapping my DS last night It was the last straw. After work and tea, sent the boys upstairs and told him I wanted to seperate. at fist he appeared calm, he blamed me for everything from me working too much (my jobs at risk) to me sleeping too much, to him not being able to say anything to me anymore. I listened but told him I didnt feel like he felt the same way about me anymore and admitted to him that I didnt feel the same way about him.

He denied he didnt love me but I said your actions dont match your words.

Then he just went into a rage shouting I was taking the fucking piss out of him and its 20 years down the drain, that I think nothing of my marriage vows. Then went on with there will be no fucking money in the bank because im not paying for this fucking house and your car will be sold because I fucking pay for it (we both pay). The threw my bank card at me.

I went upstairs to my sons room ( I know I shouldnt but I was getting scared and felt safer thinking he would do/say less if DS was there) he shouted a bit more about me taking the piss and splitting our family up. Then stormed out to his mams. I called my mum and sis and they came round. While they were here he came back stormed upstairs packed some things came down, took the calender off the wall (WTF) and left without saying a word.

Im lurching from feeling relieved to feeling sick to feeling very guilty/a failure etc

God ladies this is a nightmare, keys are turned in locks and dogs here with me too.

This prob doesnt make much sense, I shaking still a little but wanted to say thanks for caring to reply and ask how I am.

iwillbefree (nearly)

Just received a text asking to come round tomorrow for his keys and tablets, dont know how to reply.

You are so brave IWBF. I'm so glad for you, soon you and your dcs can start living without that awful shadowy feeling. Unmnetty hugs and Xxx

Could you post them through his mums letter box? Then no need to see him /let him in?

Yes of course I could - god Im really not thinking straight at the moment.

Will text that now.

Thanks Tie xxxxx

That's the way - when you under extreme stress the obvious isn't always so obvious iyswim

Are you still up? I am working on the computer so it would be no bother to exchange a post from time to time.

How's things today IWBF?

Hi IWBF and others.

the shaking will stop eventually, the calm will come soon.

Well done IWBF, stay safe. Glad Mum and Sis are there with you

ThePinkPussycat: DC both under 10, I work full-time, have done so since they started school. He is paying my bills for the house and I can get food that I need if I give him the receipts. There is just no 'privacy' with the finance IYKWIM. The child benefit goes into a joint account but he would go mad if I touched it. I cannot apply for tax credits as he is having the children 8 nights out of 14 and won't budge with this at the moment.

God I write this and realise how controlling he is. He thinks he is doing me a huge favour though.

IWBF: Sorry about your crap. It is so hard being married to an angry man. Keep strong and DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF. xx

Hi bighouse - it's amazing how figures, being pure data, can put things into perspective. Don't worry about the financial privicy yet, you are getting money that's the important thing for now. How does he reimburse you for food? Cash or what?

Narcisstic Cock Lodger (ex) went out for the night and stayed out, hooray! I finally got some of my own (non-divorce related) work done, and stayed up rather late doing it

All power to all of us! To infinity and beyond!

Thanks girls for your support.
He has been round today and we have talked calmly. I said my reasons, he said things where he thinks things have gone wrong. I said I dont see how we can continue together, he said he thinks we can work this out.

We both got very upset. He said he loves me and the kids and doesnt want to lose us. He doesnt know what I want him to do to make me happy.

I said I think we will be happier living apart and concentrating on the kids for now. Then the going round in circles started.

Hes gone now. Feel better for having a conversation. But just sat here staring into space.

Love to all of you who are struggling.

Love IWBF xxx

IwBF hang in there. I am thinking of you hourly and hoping that you are getting stronger. We are in the same dark place and I am so frightened of taking the same step because I am terrified of the emotion involved. And for ao many years I've ignored my emotions and kept them in a little room, locked up and dark and now I know I have to act I am so so scared.

IWBF you are so brave. Hang in there.

Where are the children? This is something that worries me about having discussions with dh- I don't want dc hearing until we are ready.

Joining you in dark place - H just stormed out after attacking DD (who was in a silly teenage strop about lunch). He has never done either of these extreme things before - never needed to as I have never said I am leaving before and always patched things up and soothed his ego.
I told him that I had got the papers for the separation. He threatened to cut me and the kids off without a penny - irrelevant; I work and he can have the house and everything in it. If he wants to cut links with the kids, he can. One is an adult now and the other is almost grown.
What I need is to know from you wise women if I am doing the right thing by being so firm - he keeps saying he needs my help to behave like a human being, but the next minute he denies all wrong doing and says that he is pushed to this behavior by me and the kids. This rings all the alarm bells mentions in Lundy's books.
Our oldest has A levels this summer ... Any advice on how to manouver our way through the minefield that is H?

When i told "D" H that he had to move out I engineered a playdate for all our DCs and a couple to be there whilst I said my piece.

You have to assume he will not go willingly or quietly (The friend does not need to be in the same room if you want to keep content private) I handed him a letter too documenting my reasons for the decision..it made me feel better knowing that he could not alter what had been said in his or my mind.

I also had a bag packed and all important docs at another house and keys/mobile in my pocket. In case he refused to go.

You may think this is all a bit extreme but as you cannot predict what will come it is best to ensure your safety.

My H's bad behaviour escalated after..which was a nightmare but paradoxically made me feel that i was SO SURE that i had done the right thing and helped me cope with the grief.

Be prepared for suicide threats, begging emotional blackmail and all the fun of the fair.

Write yourself a diary as a reality check, remember why you made the decision and don't confuse grief over what "might have been" ie the relationship you should/could have had, with grief for what you did actually have. remember it will take a while to come to terms with the new shape of your life.

arthriticfingers
I think his behaviour says it all. No individual human being should be able to blame their behaviour on another. He is a grown up: you have neither the power nor the duty to "make" him behave in any way, good or bad. That is his choice. (believe me it has taken a lot of time for me to own up to this fact). Threats, whilst understandable are childish lashing out as you break out of his control.

you have to be firm. he will use any sign of weakness against you in the guise of being "for the best", "for the family" or "for the DCs".

Be prepared for an escalation of behaviur as he realises you mean what he says and don't do as I did and underestimate what he may do now that you are acting as a free human being.

Well done, well done, i have great admiration and am sending virtual hugs and encouragement as you redesign your life

Thanks for taking the time to reply fool. We have been together for 30 years, so it is more an example of what has been than what might have been. My kids are almost grown - but not quite. How much do they need to get involved? I really don't know
You are very right. The begging and emotional blackmail has already started. I suspect that involving the children is a last ditch attempt to bring me in to line - shame that, thanks to this list, I had already read about this is Lundy. Doesn't make it any easier, though.
Another thing you're right about is that, in one way, this is making my resolve stronger. My beautiful intelligent daughter being caught between knowing that her beloved father is horribly wrong and feeling that she is somehow to blame must NOT go any further.

I think now you know what you are doing you need to physically separate ASAP so the DS can get on with studying and not be caught in the weirdness of a disintegrated but not dealt with relationship

duh....*do as you say (obviously) not as he says...that's in the past!!!

You are right, Fool.
Disintegrated but not dealt with just about sums up our relationship :(

I don't know how to go about being physically separate, though. After all these years, neither of us has anywhere to go. The fact that we live in a small town where everyone knows everything (and comments freely on everything to everyone else) does not make drastic action easier for teenagers.

As far as the young adults go....it's usually best not to describe DH's bad behaviour directly...it is unfair as they feel caught in the middle of warring parents. but it is very helpful to address your own behaviour and communication, taking pains to describe what you want form them, why and what you feel when they do/don't do as you ask.

even though you have been together 30 years there will be grieving for what might have been as well as what has been...........hope you have some good RL support as well

x posted.

Yes I can see moving out is tricky, but there is a need for emotional space for you both and if you have decided to separate then the sooner this happens the better for everyone.

If you were going to stay together for the DCs you'd have waited until he was at uni too....but you didn't, for good reasons I've no doubt.

Hey All...H has asked me( demanded ) to pay half mortgage says he can't afford to live otherwise. He has never ever given me a penny towards housekeeping, Kids clubs, kids clothes, kids shoes etc.....EVER. Tight git.

I think this is unfair....AM SO ANGRY!!!

Top and bottom is the house will have to be sold if i don't pay up. Dcs do not want to move and neither do I for loads of reasons. I was here first I used to rent this house from my B so when he relocated he sold this to us as by that time i was married to H and had 2 DS. I paid the rent and everything else btw.

So, when we were together H paid mortgage and I paid EVERYTHING else.

I will pay this, I will not let him have to move back in as he says he cannot afford to live separately....What utter bollox!!!

IWBF good on you girl!! keep on keeping on...Its ups and downs but it still is not as bad as it was when together.

Keep safe all.