Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Just realized how ironic my choice of day for my first visit for divorce proceedings was :(

Arthriticfingers No, no 29th is all about the girls taking control....you have, well done you and or according to taste!!

What fool said ( here)

Already on the here
to you ladies for being here.
How is everyone?

Definitely need you guys.

Doing just fine here in the North East. :)

Hi all and big hugs to the newcomers who are in the thick of it at the moment.

I'm an escapee who left my H nearly 18 months ago after 28 years and arthritic I can relate to lots of your posts. My DC were starting Uni, in the middle of A levels and GCSEs and H thought he could bully me into staying "for them". But when he realised his control was slipping he became a madman. He drank neat whisky from the bottle, he drove at 120 mph, he kicked the bathroom door down, and he forced me to have sex with him. Apparently I drove him to do all these things and more. It became impossible to stay and stay sane so I left. He turned the DC against me and it has taken a year of patience and pain but they are now relaxed and happy and leaning on their mum for support again as always. They all did AAAAA brilliantly in the summer exams despite everything so don't worry. You won't ruin their lives by acting now, whatever he says.

I have to say it is lovely to wake up in the morning relaxed and happy and not expecting to be angry or irritated at all. I was a truly horrid person by the time I left, shrewish and cross. I avoid H as much as I can and deal direct with DC. Only this week I had to talk to him about DD1s birthday (which I have arranged and invited him to out of kindness), and he gave me a LOOK and I apologised and crumbled inside with 28 years of conditioning until I remembered I don't play that game any more.

Hold fast! You are doing the right thing and it is SO MUCH BETTER on the other side

Ahh, Little House, i had forgotten how pretty you look! Hi!

Up and down here, Oh is in glorious isolation...but NOTHING is being sorted...ahh well, peace is good at least.

Hi Fool.

I think after the adrenaline surge of getting out and the glorious joy of being free it takes a real effort to move forward and sort out the legal and financial nitty gritty. Especially when you know that every step with be met with resistance and anger. Strength to you and to all of us!

Glad you like my pretty garden. I have been feeding the goldfinches and today there were FIVE!! And tonight I have been baking and made my first loaf of sunflower bread. Life is SO LOVELY now!!!

(Something to do with the gentle loving man I met six months ago who is making me happy?? or just because I am in charge of my life and don't have to deal with FWH any more??)

Hi all. Hi
Little House at goldfinches.
Well got another form filled in and will take it to lawyer this morning. Technical and financial details are much more straightforward than I thought they would be.
More comments from FWH (if that means what I think it does, can I steal the expression, Little House?) this morning:
"I can't believe you are doing this to me"
"What have I done to deserve this?" - This did actually make me laugh - I would draw up a list, but I have, thankfully reached the stage where I can't be bothered.
"My life is going down the pan"

Please wise women stop me from even thinking of trying to get through to him.

metaphorical fingers in ears and La la la la la work for me

I too was surprised at how straightforward the process is, I suppose it's because you only take one step at a time.

fingers I did draw up a list - I had to, as my grounds were unreasonable behaviour As I have said before, it was easy, I hardly even had to think back, just carried on living under same roof and wrote down what he did/didn't do.

I remember XH's "what about me, where will I live?" Mate, I said, you can live in a cardboard box under Charing Cross Bridge for all I care. He was wounded by that. Deeply wounded. And this is my "care" face >>>

I do need fingers in ears, Fool, but to block out FWH's (Oh, how I love that acronym!) deafening silence (except for the 'poor me' sighs).
I am at your cruel cold heartlessness, Annie - I am sure that it was pointed out to you, though

Oh yes, he brought it up two years later as proof that I am a cruel cold etc. I was so heartless by then (two years of him non-stop, and counter-productively, trying to persuade me not to carry on with this pointless, expensive, self-indulgent divorce project) that I ate the myself.

Pink I think that one of the things holding me back is thinking about the divorce, and something that would be hugely important is having a piece of paper that cited the grounds as FWH's unreasonable behaviour (fwh- bloody fantastic that is!). Was controlling behaviour alone accepted as unreasonable? I don't think I could go two years of waiting.

Strength vibes to all needing them!

I googled to see whiat kind of grounds might do. You need about 5 or 6. Things like walking out of the room count. I put in that I hated his collectables being all over the house.

Why not put some possibles up on this thread? What did he do that was controlling? money/forbidding you to go out/etc etc

It seems you can have maybe one trivial one, like leaving socks on floor kind of thing.

Let's pretend we're solicitors, and you, Warden (love the name) are our client

I don't need an actual list because where I live (not Britain) divorce laws are quite advanced, and consensual divorce just needs the two parties to agree to it. No reasons need to be given.
I think this much the healthier way to look at separation. Up until Christmas, I really really felt the unfairness of it all - we would get divorced and people would ask themselves what I had done because it always take two, right :( FWH's behaviour over Christmas was so bad, however, that I just wanted out. Sod fairness.
But if anybody wants to pick my still addled, but getting clearer brains to hear my rant rationally drawn up catalogue, please free to ask. Would love to get it all off my chest. Lundy's books lists everything FWH has done, though and probably in better English.
And yes, I just tried to explain to him why I am divorcing him - AGAIN - Please stop me

Hmmm right then let's see...

Refuses to pool our earnings meaning that I had no say over whether he bought a fancy car costing £30k when I was putting work shoes on my Christmas list as I couldn't afford any from my wages, and ebaying the children's outgrown clothes/ doing boot sales because i was skint

I am getting more and more worried about how he is with children,eg tickles them until they've had enough but won't stop when they ask and keeps on winding them up until they pop but tells them off for lashing out at him.

Makes it difficult for me to see friends and family that he doesn't "approve" of by being sullen and moody when I say that I am going to see them, and gets stroppy about having to do both boys bedtimes if I am going out before witching hour, so it's just easier not to

Expects unreasonable standards of house work, complains if "I" haven't washed him enough pants/socks/workshirts - all household jobs are seen in his eyes as my responsibility and he is doing me a favour by helping.

Pesters me for sex and is so persistent even when I say no (or so moody and withdrawn) that I eventually give in just to get some peace. I can't actually remember the last time we did it when I wasnt drunk or just keeping the peace.

Uses porn quite a bit and whilst in the past I've joined in and enjoyed some of it too, I feel like I'm "just a hole" (lovely phrase I know) and that there is no tenderness or love, just fu*ng. He wants to act out what hes seen on the laptop, not be with me.

He makes unkind comments about my weight (I am a couple of stone overweight), and has admitted to me that he is embarrassed to be seen with me in a swimming costume. Which I am ashamed if him for saying.

Are those unreasonable enough? There are more from the past but these are the current ones. Go fledgeling solicitors what do you think?!

All sounds like pretty shitty behaviour good grounds for separating.
I am old not as young as some, and it just gets unspeakably, horribly worse :(

Now, objectively I know that this makes him an utter waste of space. But in between these he is nice, and I am not perfect. I break wind too much , have slatternly tendencies, am a bit lazy. But I do my utmost to let him know that his happiness is important to me and he has my support in achieving the things he wants to. I just feel squished, unimportant and still a child. I feel like I am waiting to grow up and start (I am 36!)

Sorry attila I have totally been self absorbed and not seen your post until now- will go and read.

Arr arthritic not attila! Sorry ms fingers. What were your reasons?

You need to have examples from not more than six months ago, with dates if possible (unless it's ongoing/regular like the financial meanness). You can't divorce on the grounds of something he did a couple of years ago unless he's still doing it now. My solicitor got me to keep a diary of unreasonable behaviour and it didn't take more than a few weeks to get plenty of examples.