Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

thanks for hand [small and slightly blue grin emoticon]

well done pink

I should point out that since no wrangling over pensions is involved, I can proceed with the absolute at the earliest possible opportunity. Otherwise I would have to delay that final step till after the finances were agreed.

Hi everyone sorry I haven't been around much, had no internet access as moved and lost phone in the process. hope everyone is okay, i'm still seperated from ex and tbh I am finding things a little hard of late, especially now i'm getting criticisms from family too as some think i've made the wrong decision, err yeh i'll just wait until he hits me again shall I? [Hmm] despite it all I am noticing the difference, it's so much quiter in the new house and despite it all the dc's and I are getting happier iykwim? trying not to think of valentines' day! stay well everyone speak soon x

Most of our friends don't understand, and are taking a balanced view, with a v few exceptions. I don't blame them, they are not in possession of all the facts. MN and this thread has been a godsend. My family has also been very supportive. Stbx didn't hit me though, I hope people would side more with me if he had, but who can say?

All power to you Misspixietrix, am sure you and DC will keep on getting happier :)

Shameless bump to invite you to my Party Thread in celebration of my (not quite) Divorced state. I will start the thread in Relationships at about 8.30 pm.

How is everyone? There are so many individual abuse threads these days, this one doesn't get so much traffic.

Anyway, am properly divorced since last Friday. Ex still dragging his feet over the financial settlement

Hi there PinkPussycat sorry I didn't spot your news. Well done for getting this far (I haven't even started the process after 18 months). Hope you had a nice last night.

As you say this thread is quiet at present but the links at the top are invaluable and the wisdom of the posters is phenomenal.

Welcome to lurkers and newbies. Take what you want from here.

Hello. Have heard good things about this thread so am loitering and learning!

Pinkpussycat your last few posts gives me hope .

Well I thought we had got somewhere. We did manage a bit of negotiation, but have not agreed, though each of us has done a kind of final offer, each declined the other. Had mediation assessment today (mandatory if going the legal financial route), straightforward as ex has not replied to their invitation to an appointment, so mediation off the cards. So looks like Form E's at dawn. Back on the Excel. God give me strength!!

First time posting here. Glad to see the bump.
What little house said: this thread is a lifeline even to lurkers like me.
Also to add (although I am sure that the wise women here have already seen it) that Lundy Bancroft has a new book out: 'Should I stay or should I go?'
This is my position at the moment; I have already instructed a lawyer to draw up the divorce papers, but am also reading the book (together with H of 30 years) to see if there is any chance of change.
I have such respect for those who are so clear that they have had enough.
Keep on posting!

BTW there is another thread running which is trying to tease out the difference between emotional abuse (which is nasty), and behaviour arising from Aspergers, which can feel like abuse, but isn't necessarily, iyswim.

Was so self-absorbed forgot to offer a hand to fool upthread, hope you are ok.

Morning shaking a little, dont knnow if any of you will remember me, need alot of hands to hold.

Havnt posted in ages but today I am going to pray for some support and tell H its over.

he hit DS last night, slapped him, I had gone to bed with a headache after a long day at work, he was putting the kids to bed. He had been joking around with DS for half hour before bed time. All good, DS went to brush his teeth and continued with the jokey behaviour. DS lost his patience and I heard a slap coming from the bathroom and DS saying "dont do that dad it hurts" . He had slapped in on the back on his bare skin while DS had his toothbrush in his mouth. DS runs to bed sobbing still with his toothbrush in his mouth.

I said to H why have you slapped him? he shouts back, "I didnt slap him, well why dont you try giving me some support with putting them to bed"

So its my fault - theres a surprise

Slept with DS last night. Its the last straw. I want out of this, I want my kids out of this.

At work today but going to tell him tonight. There is a long history to this. cant do it anymore....

Your poor DS it must have been so bewildering, he thinks he is having a great jokey time with his F, like many tired children doesn't know when to stop with the jokiness, suddenly finds F no longer likes it, then slaps him

Remember your name, it is true.

Thanks Pink,

I know what I need to do, its doing it, im building myself up today, honestly struggling with how to handle the conversation.

IWBF xx

Do not plan actual words - except perhaps how you are going to open the conversation. It is impossible to predict what your OH will reply, so planning a convo is a bit like trying to play chess by working out all possible moves.

Focus on your outcomes - what you want - and think through the details - OH may try to derail you by bringing up problems and if you have thought through possible objections you will be in a better place to respond. Don't go mad trying to think of everything though (that would end up in more chess-thought)

Watch out for him trying to change the subject slightly tangentially, instead of giving direct answers. Some people on this thread have given some assertive language sentences to counter with, can't remember them word for word though. It's worth learning a couple of these by rote till word perfect, and practising saying them out loud when you're alone - this makes them more likely to trip off your tongue when you need them.

eg if he brings up an objection you haven't happened to think of, one possibility is to say 'I hadn't thought of that, I'll take it into consideration. Now, to get back to my main point...'

Remember, you don't have to get everything sorted in one conversation. You want to get over your main points, you don't need to get too detailed. You may both need to think further and then talk again.

IWBF saying a prayer for you too. Just be clear what you want/expect. I gave mine a letter to take away as i knew he would not listen. I don't think he's read it, but at least I know I said it and have proof whenever he gaslights over issues!

thanks for hand pink.

not good, not good at all this end but "this too will pass"...still beats being with !"D"H!

Re-read my posts and noticed a possible ambiguity -

to clarify:
In advance, think through the details of how you are going to live. In tonight's conversation, don't get bogged down in details, though.

IWBF...here I am, you told him well done...have a and a .

Are you safe?

Am I missing something on another thread? You've told him?

yuP she told him now he's shouting..I'm hoping she's getting on the phone for some RL support.

dramatic revelation from IWBF

Have PM'd you IWBF

Hi all and lots of hand-holding to those who need it...
Struggling at the mo... moved out eight weeks ago! But DH just not accepting it. Says I am destroying him and he is having a breakdown. He looks awful. But I feel fine...
He won't discuss finances or splitting anything. I have no access to any of our money. I am seeing a solicitor next week to get the ball rolling, although he is begging me to leave it for another six months so that he can cope emotionally. I don't know if he is being manipulative or what. It's exhausting. I know it will be a tough year.
Just ranting really... lots of love to all. x

Hi Bighouse. keep on, keeping on...envision the happier brighter future and you'll get there! (keeping your eyes on the horizon beats looking at the S**t underfoot anyway!!!)