Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Oh scream could you be like me? I confused love with emotional pain and had the following belief - if not seeing him etc causes me pain then that is proof that I love him.

I take it the IBS is linked to stress? A friend has it, so I know second hand how horrible it is.

Bighouse your partner sounds similar to mine in the sense that he is 'suffering' so badly. My STBXH enjoys nothing better than letting me know how ill he is, how badly he is sleeping, how much weight he has lost, how much he has cried and how shattered his world is etc. Interestingly, he also seems to cheer up no end whenever he notices me looking 'awful thin' or tired or in any way vulnerable. My STBXH has spent much of his time since we split visiting old haunts, reminiscing about the good old days and getting into a state about all that he has lost. Luckily for him he also manages to make time to go out drinking with his friends and is not shy about continuing to try to scrounge off me, his parents etc! His main argument for getting back together seems to be based on what I'm putting him through/he has lost and wants back rather than on what he might have to offer or bring to the relationship. I'm moving on with my life and I suspect/hope you are too. These guys are responsible for their own health, happiness, sleep etc. It's not your fault if he's messed up the relationship and is now choosing to neglect himself.

Scream don't call that man!! Try to fill up your life with things to do that don't involve him and that help divert your attention from him and from your IBS. Hobbies/activities that require your full concentration are best. If you feel there are times when you can't help but think about him why don't you try writing it down - I have found that writing letters to the person that you don't send helps; or just write down anything that comes to mind - good stuff, bad stuff, things you miss, things you know you are well rid of in your life. Write in pencil in a notebook so that if you came to want to actually send the letter, you'd have to write it up neatly or type it up. This adds in another safe-guard against sending it! You can then put these away having expressed yourself as you feel you need to, but not actually involved him. Don't know if that will help you, but I find the act of writing incredibly cathartic. Sometimes I get old stuff out and read back and I amaze myself with what I used to think/how far I've come/how many words there are/what I've been through/going through.

Thanks pink and freedom.....Yes I think I may think like you pink confusing the 2 things. I've been told how to feel for so long Im struggling to gain back my sense of myself and what I believe in iyswim.

I would find writing things down very useful,freedom and have done this in the past...When i found out about ow i started a diary to help me get my feelings out...only to discover photos of each page on H phone.I thought Id hidden it!! Why would he photograph my angst ridden ramblings??? I have no answers...only unanswered questions. I daren't do it again..he still has a key.

Yes I need to keep busy but am feeling so unwell at the moment so am off sick. Just trying to keep busy with sorting out my house. As when I discovered he'd been using it as a love nest for him and ow for ages,when i was at work, i stopped cleaning and tidying it so its all a bit of a tip, and now hes gone I actually feel like reclaiming it as my own.
I think counselling may be in order...am open to any suggestions

Thanks

scream? CHANGE THE FFING LOCKS!

I agree with Houdini - change the locks and contact the police for a restraining order if necessary. There is no way that this guy should have access to your house. Please please take action on this immediately for your own sake, for your sanity, safety and freedom.

I lol at your comment Hissy..thanks. He owns half the house so I plan to wait and bide my time...My next door neighbour will keep an eye out when i do return to work and if he comes in i will then change those EFFING LOCKS as will have reasons. Am skint at the mo aswell as Tax credits have stopped while they change my claim to a single parent. so can't afford it.

Ive just realised that I actually can change the Effing locks if I WANT!!! I can do ANYTHING I LIKE....God!!! that felt good...

I need a big fat kick up the arse....I need to take contol of MY LIFE again.

I changed the locks on Monday

Hi everyone, well done scream, I envy your newfound freedom. If your place is a mess, it's actually quite easy to sort. Try flylady - you don't have to get in too deep with it. I find that the shiny sink occasionally rescues my sanity when things start to slip. Swish and wipe is particularly satisfying. I have a few basic minimum things I do nearly every day and let myself off the hook with the other stuff. The important thing is to not let it swamp you. I also always have one room that's really tidy, exactly as I want it. Doesn't matter which one - it changes.

HE just gave me a lift to and from the hospital for an appointment with dd. I noticed the stress that action caused me, just a lift. I sat in the front as he hooted a car for being slow, then knowing I was making a mental note, says he's being 'dizzy' - er no, aggressive.

And then on the way back, waited for him at the main entrance, him driving past and going to the A&E entrance, obvs not outpatients, signs everywhere telling him where to go and where NOT to. And he moans about it endlessly in the car on the way back, blablabla everyone else's fault but HIS.

But what I noticed about was how, sitting in the back, trying to detach, my heart rate was going up and down as the stress levels increased. The good thing is that I know what my 'base' rate is now( after 25 years), what's normal, and what's not. That's a result of continued detaching and also sleeping in the spare room where I can really rest.

I think I understand the heart rate thing....Mine goes up when H appears...I can feel it. When I know H is due i get really anxious, peering out the window, pacing around. Its not increasing due to a nice feeling....Its out of sheer dread.

It took me 2 years to get him to leave,horse. He didn't want to be with me but had his feet planted firmly under the table, refusing to budge.
Once he actually said he didn't want me being with anyone else or them being in HIS house!! What a di*k.

Hope you are ok Horse...its not easy living the way you are I know.

And fool well done...Did it feel good??

A word on lock changing.

It may be that you are not able to legally change the locks on a jointly owned property, but for anyone to do anything about it? ONLY A COURT ORDER.

I changed the locks on the rental property I had, due to nightmare LL. In the agreement it states I must not change locks and must provide a key to the LL if I do. I didn't. As I know if she wanted to do something about it... go to court. It'd take MONTHS and I could show them clear evidence of her harassment of me in the meantime. This is a DV situation, make sure ALL your Drs HV and the benefits people know and get it in writing and you may have a good day at court... at his expense. :-)

IF he comes back and breaks in, damaging your locks/property to gain access to his house... it's STILL criminal damage, and potentially harassment.

So DO what you need to do to make yourself safe, and let HIM do something about it though a court of law if he wishes.

Stay calm at all times. Let HIM look hysterical.

Hi to all, onward and upward, nil desperandum and all that

It's crap sometimes, isn't it.

Just wanted to say I listened to Magical Mystery Tour CD today (I remember buying it in the sixties when it had just been released [bliss] I was 15. Anyway thought about all of us on this thread, and one especially, when it got to Fool on the Hill, and got all philosphical about trusting our own perceptions in the face of gas-lighting by our abusers, and others being taken in by them so it seems like no-one believes you. We know these things really happen.

Still no reply from stbx. I feel a lot better and more clear-headed about the future, though.

Trusting perceptions. It's about knowing who you are again. As I walked home I got a knotty feeling in my stomach, I haven't felt it for a while, it comes and goes and is a direct result of when I'm thinking about him - what will he say about this, what will he want to do about that.

I've detached from him so much now that I am able to notice the stress he puts me under. I had to put it to dd today that I would like him not to come away with us at half term because it's too stressful. 'I don't mind' she said. I said I don't mind if he comes if she wants him to. She said nothing but I won't push it. I admitted this for the first time to a member of my family as well. I didn't make excuses, just said I don't want him to come because it will be too stressful.

But I can't be myself with him around, so how can I be a good mother to her?

He is in denial isn't he. I too have had the doubts cast over my mental health.

My reaction to this is a- Fuck you- one. I have been through a lot in recent years.....If H wants to bend the truth to people who care to listen....then let him. I know im not mental, Im angry-yes! Im suffering with anxiety- yes! Im suffering with IBS- yes! But im am not insane. Im in touch with reality...although sometimes i wish i wasn't.

Ever heard of Frances Farmer? google her.
horse
You can let your Dd see her father and his family even though they doubt your sanity....because you are able to rise above all that shizz...You sound like a intelligent, thoughtful woman who will guide her Dd through all this, and let her make her own mind up about her father when she is old enough.

This is all i can do too...My DD loves her dad and he her, she feels very guilty at the moment, she desperatly doesn't want us to fall out, she wants to see us as friends, but friends can fall out and argue. This is the reality in her life at the moment. I would love it all to be perfect but it won't be, so I just have to protcet her and guide her, keep her secure. I will not have her feeling sorry for him though. He is such a victim type personality, he thrives off making people feel sorry for him and when they do he just reels them in!!!

Hi, recognising all the abusive tactics your and my OH have this mould really needs to be broken!

For the DCs it's tricky for them when we ask them what they want...they are so used (especially the girls) to trying to second guess what will keep everyone happy and keep everyone calm...

..one thing I tried with my older 2 girls (10 and 7) is to have a talk about actually spending some time working out what they really want (even the impossible thing...) and write it or draw it, and then what they want in particular situations. We keep adding to the file!

Even if they don't immediately share it it is a good exercise in teaching them to think for and about themselves. As they practice it it gets easier to stand up for what they want in a calm and reasonable way...because they know.....

..so many of us got into problems partly because we didn't really listen to our own hearts and what we wanted and needed in our relationships for so long...still have problems with this myself!

I take the long view...i want my children to be able to stand up for what is right, what is good, what is honourable and what is true and to escape from the cycle of abuse.

of course I have stopped contact ....so I am feeling particularly clear-headed at the moment ....one minute in a room with him and I am all over the place

What a brilliant idea Fool, teaching Dds to think about what they want...Im going to try this with my Dd(9)

Out of interest how are your Ds? Mine (12) & (10) seem quite detached from H. They do not say they miss him and only ask to ring him if they need a lift for whatever activity they want to do. They have told me they hated the shouting...TBH they both seem relieved hes gone. I think they are both quite scared of H as he has had used his bullying tactics on them. A Rl friend recently commented on how H bullies Ds1.

Mine are also much more matter of fact.

They (esp DS1) got a lot of EA and VA and remember it and are much less conflicted than the girls. Prefer to have him absent and not bothered about keeping in touch if he's out of sight...however i think they have a harder road to travel in some ways...bad role model, now absent role model...future uncertain role model. They need to find a way to relate and care and emote but in a "boy" way. Underneath they are angry and abandoned...they just distract from it and are even less able with emotional language than the girls. And they don't "do" drawing!!

I am trying to think of a "boy" way to let out their angrys/wishes/hopes and thoughts on what has/will be happening....perhaps Buttons has some ideas??????

bump bumpity bump bump

Um... if they don't do drawing as such, would they do cartooning? Stick men stories, that sort of thing? Perhaps to accompany very short pieces of writing. Say, they could keep a diary and just put one sentence a day if that's all they feel like, which they can illustrate with stick pictures. Hopefully they'll progress from bare facts like "went to school today, raining" to more expressive things like "went out with Dad, enjoyed it because... didn't like it when..." Depends if they're that sort of boy really. Otherwise they can just work out their frustrations with physical activity (sport, wii-fit, whatever they do), flop in front of the telly with you and a bag of crisps, and may feel more like opening up when they're relaxed and comfortable.

DS4 does most of his talking at bedtime. Sometimes we get comfy with a book first for a while until he's relaxed. He often feels better hiding his head when it's emotional stuff. He's big now but the ritual still helps.

thanks Annie

....DS1 "allergic" to pencils...used to have a stress reaction when asked to draw at school....maybe lego/playmobile scenario....him as Luke Skywalker perhaps (guess who i would put in the Darth Vadar role???)