Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Hi pink pussycat

I want to share more but feel a little vulnerable right now and under threat, hugely paranoid etc etc, I am facing a barrage of lies and legal wrangling. I am on a list for counselling (it must be a bloody long list), maybe a good 'move it on' book? How to deal assertively with someone who has no moral code? How to deal with the guilt about what I didn't do? I can definitely offer advice about what to do, based on what I didn't do!

Daisy I too am in the middle of legal wrangling, I have surprised myself at how well I am dealing with it, I was far too used to listening to what stbx had to say, and thought I had lost the ability to make my own decisions.

Oh yes, paranoia! I mislaid my card for my personal account the other day, and one of the things I considered was whether stbx had taken it (still under same roof) but then I did find it. However, I no longer trust him at all (tbf he doesn't trust me either!), this is not paranoia, it is self-preservation.

daisy, Why Does He Do That - by Lundy Bancroft, and Power and Control - why charming men make dangerous lovers - Susan Horley, IIRC...

Start with these books, they will show you that YOU had nothing to do with any of it. You will be able to forgive yourself and understand the futility of your trying to keep the peace.

Well done for doing the right thing. It WILL get easier.

Can you try and get on the Freedom Programme? Google it and see if there is a course near you. It's free.

It's been two weeks now since I've moved out and I am moving from strength to strength. I feel so happy all the time, it's really shocked me. And I keep remembering all the crap things about DH that we've argued about over the years - all the awful porn (once found him masturbating over pics of his 15 year old niece?!) and arguments we had about stuff that ended up with ME apologising... every time....

But now I've gone he's having a complete breakdown, and I feel really bad about it. He's on anti-depressants and having psychological assessments etc. He's being sick all the time and not sleeping. He looks terrible. I don't know what to do about it. It's really hard because I feel so happy but he looks like he is going to end up suicidal without me.

Anyone got any advice? It's really tough to watch and he keeps saying that I've done this to him.

Hi all, newcomers, old hands and lurkers.
Hope this weekend goes well for all of you.

OH (who I asked to leave in october) was arrested for the rant at the party after i had just called the police DVteam just to log the incident. I was quite surprised as i didn't think I had acted soon enough. Of course he has just walked straight out..don't know if this will make things better or (God forbid) worse.

Have told him I have stopped contact for the present. Am seeing solicitor this week and am going to pay money i don't have to get the professionals to sort it all out.

Gosh it's like walking with lead boots on isn't it?#
Still like waking up on my own though!!!!!!!!!!
And looking after DCs..on my own
and making decisions...on my own
even with all the fear, chaos and rubbish it's still better without him.

Sorry to be harsh bighouse but he is suffering the consequences of his own actions, and they are his and his alone to deal with.

Yes I found the happiness surprising, mine began when I decided on divorce, he hasn't moved out yet. Since then I've had down days, stressed days, and good days, and crucially no days filled with hopeless depression like I used to have. So you may find your emotions varying in the days to come.

Now if I'm having a not so good day, I know it will pass.

Hello fool good to 'see' you! And well done for standing firm and standing up to him.

By the way...he has made a counter statement accusing me of assault (I did lash out at him once in September 2011)...be gutted...not to mention up s**t creek if i end up being charged...as morals dictate i cannot lie and deny as he has......
oh my Lord...........................

Were there witnesses in either case, fool?

His parents and our children were at the party.

No witnesses for other, I side swiped him backhanded (he sitting) as I passed by and he blocked with his arm. Doubt he even had a bruise (my hand hurt though!!). There is no excuse...i shouldn't have done it.....as we say about their behaviour.....

Evening all
BigHouse I am sorry your H is being such a self indulgent prat. Mine did the same after I left. He is a very emotional man and I am sure he was feeling real pain.
Like you I left my DC with him in the family home (older teens).
He spent a lot of time crying in the kitchen wanting them to see how hard done by he was. The oldest told him "Dad I'm your daughter not your psychiatrist!" which made me laugh but shocked her kindly sister.

It damaged my relationship with them because they blamed me for his sadness (which was no doubt his intent). A year on he is happily seeing someone else and they have gradually come round to seeing Mum is not as black as she was painted.

I should imagine the police will not take him seriously, fool? DV must be used to that kind of thing, and besides, September?

Littlehouse I am currently sad for only one thing, the DC blame it all on me and cannabis, and I have kept the real reasons from them. Stbx and I both used to smoke, and it has caused me problems in the past I freely admit, but for me over the past few years it was the only effective remedy for my depression, and actually helped me think clearer and stand up for myself. And perhaps reveal my emotions too strongly. Funnily enough since I started divorce proceedings I don't feel a need for it. This may seem like special pleading from an addict, you'll have to take my assurance that it isn't.

The real reason is that stbx has consistently failed to contribute financially, especially in the last 5 years, but even before that, he seems to think he has a right to live on the money my DF gave us, or on my job when I had one, rather than earn it himself, even though he has been so-called self employed for many years and we have paid his NI from the joint account. He even moaned because I insisted on putting my Employment and Support Allowance into my own account, and not the joint one. DD(20) especially thinks he is wonderful and is planning to live with him after things are sorted. All I can do is wait till she is a bit more mature. He is also verbally and emotionally abusive, as I've said before, which has provoked me to rages which the DC think is down to me, not him.

As I lay in bed last night wondering whether to get my post withdrawn, the realisation that stbx used my smoking (and it wasn't constant, there was up to a month when I had none) to constantly berate me and to ignore my issues of houswork and finances. It wasn't even that he did the chores or did anything different about finances if I had none. He didn't want me to give up did he, not really, it was a useful instrument of abuse and blaming.

By the way, it didn't stop him occasionally asking why I never offered him any?!

PinkPuss does your DD think her F will support her if she lives with him? Or will she be supporting him? That will be interesting for you to observe. And make sure she has a chance to talk things through with you without you getting upset or criticising him to her.

My DD20 is exactly the same, loyal to her Dad, and I respect that, but now she is beginning to see his flaws unshielded by me, and perhaps admit I was not all wrong to go.

I used to get drunk occasionally when I was so unhappy, and my H was furious that in that state I was devastatingly honest and told him exactly what I thought without inhibition. For some reason me pointing out how bad things were was disloyal and a sign I was abusive to him. Did the cannabis affect you like that too? or did it make you more tolerant? I had to stop drinking until I was out of the situation because it made everything worse. Then I found I didn't need it

Ooh you do look pretty, Littlehouse. Although I would love to leave him without a penny, as you know it doesn't work like that, so he will have capital to buy a house and live on for a bit, also his collectables business which doesn't really yield much but makes him look like he is working (he's been doing that for nearly 2 years) DD has been paying rent to us since she left school, is working and just got a raise. I don't know what arrangement they'll be coming to, and I know she'd like to have her own place but can't yet afford it, so basically I have decided to do what you suggested, observe and be there for her.

Stbx is more of a drinker these days, I find I cannot take anything stronger than beer, there's a few times we drank wine together, me hoping it would help us talk. In fact it seems to bring out a really nasty streak in me, so really not helpful, hence I have foresworn it except for the odd glass with a meal.

Cannabis restored what I call the real me, with self-belief, detachment from stbx and ability to plan. In the relationship there seemed no other way to attain this state. Now I am the real me, with(occasionally) and without (mostly) it!

I haven't read this full thread, but the links and books have helped me enormously.

Just had quite a bad incident regarding counselling and domestic abuse...please see my thread here and see if you can offer insight.

Wishing everyone happiness!

I saw your thread Theagreement and was hoping to see you here. Seems like I have had a lucky escape, as counselling together was one of the things I suggested to stbx. He refused, presumably cos even the most biased counsellor would be able to see that stbx, supposedly in good health,not working, while I, with a diagnosed mh condition worked (and which eventually made my condition worse) was somewhat unfair to me.

There are many warnings on this thread about couples couselling in an abusive relationship, at the time I hadn't found it, and didn't even fully understand I was being abused. I am at what people were saying on your thread about Relate not understanding this.

Bump..

I hope you are all ok. Keep posting x

Missing all you lot...though i see you are busy out there on MN supporting others!!

H is now telling everyone that I "made" the police arrest him last Friday apparently i am more powerful than I think!!! What shall I use my newly realised superpowers on next?...ahh yes that will be the solicitor then!

Seriously, since when has a mere mortal been able to produce action from the police? He must realise that this makes him sound barking mad...or am i the only one who thinks that the police only act when they want to and feel they have a case?? How many stories are there of people in desparate need trying to get the police to act? Anyway apparently he and the interviewing officer had a good man-to-man about the state of us females of the species!!!!!

as usual using the support thread to vocalise my "stream of consciousness".

Hope you are all ok tonight
xx fool

Yeah 'cos, the thing is, throwing such a major strop that the police have to be called to YOUR CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY is really quiet a mainstream thing that "us chaps" do from time to time. All part of the entertainment. I'm sure the interviewing officer knows how it is.

You sound a bit more on an even keel, fool.

Have been majorly stressed over the weekend, as my settlement offer to stbx arrived on Sat and he left it on the hall table without opening it. I also sent him an email stating the facts I'd taken into consideration (ran this past sol first). On Sun I had to ask whether he'd got the email (he has), on Mon I said what I thought the letter was. And he went out yesterday evening without opening it. Sunday night and last night I got no sleep (luckily I can catch up in the day, but then I've well and truly buggered my sleep cycle), I kept thinking I would never get rid of him, and eventually emailed solicitor with all the stuff going round in my head (no reply yet, but not really expecting one). Today he has opened it, and seems to be looking in the local paper for houses, so fingers crossed. Upside was I could chat with sleepless MNers! I must send another email to sol, think I may have sounded a bit demented (well, I was)

Hey Im just checking in...Ah Fool I could use some of your powers over here...i need you to make me stop loving H...Im conditioned- I know!

I wonder where he is, what hes doing blah blah....I nearly rang him last night!!!
Im in pain( literally) ibs flared up feel so bad..really can't sit here and type any more.
x