Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

fell off stool laughing!!!!!!!!
YES just like that

Excellent idea Annie, both my ds are keen artists. This would suit them....am going to give it a go. Thanks.

Hope all's well with everyone.

Hiya - I thought I would introduce myself on here, though it's a big scary thread, and I don't have internet access to come on much.

I left my husband four months ago because he was verbally abusing to me, always putting me down and complaining, threatening, and spending all of our money on drugs. It's still going on, but I have been trying to meet up with him for our son's sake. He's two and a half, and doesn't understand why Daddy's not around. Or more to the point, why we're shifting around trying to find somewhere to live.

I can see that it's not good for him or for me, and I think the drugs have clouded my husband's mind so much that he shouldn't be seeing us. But leaving was so hard - having to admit that yes, it is all real and happening to me still seems a step too far.

Heard today confirmation that the only reason he wants us back is for the extra money he'd get, not because he's sorry. It's so hard to think how quickly everything changed.

People say I've been strong, but I don't feel it. I'm alone, the benefits still aren't sorted, so I'm relying on my friends' charity, and I feel like I've failed my wee boy so badly. If I should have left, then I should have left earlier. I just want to feel like it will ever come to an end, that I will be able to move on. I know it's soon, but every day, I'm just wasting hours to not have to live that day again.

Hey Karka and welcome, Well done for having the strength to get away. I know it must have been so hard for you.

I know you feel alone now and i understand that eveything seems so hard but you have taken the first step to a new life. You have not let your ds down at all, you are trying to make a better life for yourself and him.

The only way is up from here,love. You are free....

The money will come through...im waiting for my money to come through too..i have been relying on friends and family to feed my Dcs..its truly awful as im an independant girl and hate to put on people, but i find that people are so kind so its ok to let them help in times of need.

I know all about drugs and addiction, its so hard to see someone put a drug before buying food for your kids. They are addicted and only they can do something about that!!!

You will get some great support and advice on here, you are not alone,Karka, not now you have posted on here.....

Welcom, Karkadan you don't have to read all the thread, just the last page or so perhaps, as Flylady says jump in where you are.

If you do the above, you'll see that I am a user of cannabis, it helps my state, but I am also an almost abstainer from alcolhol as it makes me nasty. I say this upfront because drugs are involved in your h's abuse of you, and I don't want to sound a hypocrite when I condemn what your h has done, which I do wholeheartedly. Can you say which drugs are involved?

I am nearly at the point of finalising my divorce from someone who has verbally, emotionally and financially abused me, in his case he didn't spend our money - he is stingy in the extreme - no, thing was he didn't earn our money!

It does feel like it takes forever, doesn't it. and that seems an awfully long time for the benefits to get sorted. Being strong is riding out the stress and keeping on, you don't necessarily feel strong while you're being it though!

Important thing about your wee boy is that you have got him out. How could that possibly be failing him :)

Oh dear hope I haven't scared you off Karkadan Most of The other posters are quite normal

Stbx refused my offer and is not budging. Strangely sol did not email a copy of his letter, I am actually dying to see what his actual words are.

And now, someone who needs some quite specific advice...

Hi, found you! Its been suggested to me on the thread I started that I should post on here.I hope you can find it so you can see all the details but basically I'm looking for someone who has been or knows about being in court in a domestic abuse case. My stbx declined a caution so now its off to court.

Hiya. The drugs in question are cannabis, but I put 'drugs' as I know a lot of people can use cannabis and not get into all of this. He really was addicted - upwards of £300 a week, and he had to smoke it to function. That was all he was doing - chain-smoking dope and teaching our son how to roll joints.

I think I thought leaving would be the hard part, and it's still ongoing. He still thinks we will be there whenever he wants us to be, or whenever he needs someone to take it out on.

Am waiting to see a lawyer, so I'm afraid can't give any advice on court situations. But wishing you luck and courage, Spring!

or is it only crim stuff you know about? (I doubt it somehow)
or anyone else, of course :)

I have read stbx's letter, it has a subtle edge of arrogance It looks at though I shall have to instruct sol to initiate formal proceedings re settlement. I emailed her asking for time scales, but just got a sequence of events, I have asked her to be more specific, thought I would also ask here, especially as it's the weekend and don't want 2 days of doubt and uncertainty.

Extract from email to sol:

So the sequence is:
contact mediator and apply to court
court sets 3 dates
exchange of financial info
exchange of questions
first appointment

So if I applied to court what would each time period be likely to be? Say we put in application 1st Feb, when would the court do the date setting, and roughly what dates would be set?

Anyone know anything about this?

I know nothing as i am a week or 2 behind you, I await with baited breath...and a notepad!

no doubt it will all take twice as long as is reasonable and the STBX will put every barrier up he can ....grrrrrrr

Evening all
I'm having a lovely chilled night on the sofa sorting out bank stuff.

BUT it has come to me, partly from reading your posts and other threads, that by leaving AH I have made myself feel better, but not solved the central problem. As long as I keep away my pulse stays down and I am chilled and cheerful. But when I tangle with him I get all wound up and upset again.

I still need to separate my finances from his, and sort out a divorce. I am letting him manipulate me into doing things I don't like, like eating with him and DS every week. I am letting him use the money for our DC uni costs to pay his bills even though he has three times more money than me. And we are paying the same contribution towards our DC because he makes me feel guilty I only work part time. I know I must tackle these things but I am afraid of his reaction. He will be wounded, hurt and cross. I will be to blame for questioning him.

Give me strength! I want to be on the other side of all this...

one step at a time prettylittlehouse you can only eat this elephant one mouthful at a time.

oops, it isn't the weekend! Kept thinking yesterday was Friday...

Littlehouse I can't remember how long it is since you split, you have focussed on regaining yourself and seem to have done a good job. As fool says, you can only do one thing at a time.

So what's the next mouthful, finance wise? From your post you are a) paying equal money towards DC and b) 'letting' him use DC's uni money for bills. This seems a little contradictory if you are doing this because you are putting DCs first.

What is most in your control out of these two? I would imagine, the money you pay towards DC. So what if you work part-time? If you do work p/t it is only fair that you pay pro-rata towards the DC.

The uni money - is it in a joint a/c or something? In what way are you 'letting' him use it?

Yes, he will be an arse when you start to stand up to him about money. He will say 'But you agreed...(this that and the other)'. Remember on that bill of rights: You have the right to change your mind!

NOW it's the weekend or if you don't join me in a

Hi fool got a (but then I usually have!) Been watching the telly all evening, so has stbx. Lost it briefly earlier and said in a very nasty voice 'thought I would have got rid of you by now' I didn't exactly apologise, but did say 5 min later that I could have said it more tactfully. Am thinking that surely it is more evidence of cocklodging that he can't actually afford to move out till we have a settlement.

Sol gave the timing details, can't be arsed to put them here now as would have to faff opening emails, but will do soon.

Has yours graced you with his presence or have you managed to change your arrangements?

That's me that lost it, not him this time.

Following astoundingly bad behaviour the police changed locks, he's on indirect (telephone) contact with DCs and none with me....BUT he's about to get a letter from the Sol about selling house....feel like I'm sitting on a powder keg holding a lit match!!!!!

Hi fool, you ok after the bad behaviour? At least the police are taking it seriously.

Notebook out, here's the info.

'If we applied on 1st Feb,say, then Form E (financial statements) would have to be filed by about mid March, questionnaires 2-3 weeks later and First appointment perhaps end April or early May.'

Also sol says that courts would expect us to have seen a mediator before the first appt, around here it is about £100 for initial assessment, but AIUI you would not be expected to have mediation, not with the way yours has behaved. Don't know about mine, I am aledging abuse but not physical, will have to ask my sol.

And Karkadan, still thinking about your problem, how often are you on?

And hi to everyone. Onward and upward!

Hi everyone. It's a while since I've been on this thread but could do with some reassurance please.

STBXH came to see DD yesterday. After almost 10 months of separation visits are generally slightly easier now. We occasionally have moments when he chooses to make snide remarks and the previous visit to this was followed by some very angry text messages, then a begging one. He's followed a bit of a pattern with that over the months.

Anyway, yesterday was one of the better visits. He lives 4 hours away but only ever sees her for 4-5 hours every 3 weeks or so. He tends to spend about half an hour with her at the house before taking her out and then dropping her off.

This morning he sent me the following text:
"I'm really struggling without

The standard advice is to report this kind of possible suicide threat to the police. If the threat is real, it can save a life. If not, and it is manipulation, then they are much less likely to pull the same stunt again.

Also it takes the responsibility off you (not that it is really on you, iyswim) and puts it onto the police. They are likely to visit ex to see that he is OK.

Lost post by computer

but i would not have read that as a suicide threat...my OH uses language like this all the time to demonstrate how caring he is as a father...not to suggest he is about to do anything stupid extreme. However if he has made threats before or this sounds like one to you then offload the burden to the professionals as pink said. He is a long way away (good) and not your responsibility (hooray) and using this stuff to get inside your head (grrr).

I reckon it's manipulation, it's to get Leo wondering - is it, or isn't it? Hence I would let the police do the wondering.

Thank you both