Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Oh fool

can't stop crying and shaking.
awful#
got to work......

Can't you take a couple of days off?? or is it better for you to keep going??

Im off at the moment.....

oh fool you will be ok...xx

self employed, no work=no money. I know I will have to take time off for lawyers etc. but have to feed kids. I wish I had a proper job....one with sick leave.

Ok then Fool.....maybe it will take your mind off things, keep busy.

you are strong....you may not feel it but you are!!!

wish i could be of more help.

got to take my mum to hospital today but will be around later

I just want to go to bed and hide.........

hope mum is ok scream...mine has just finished chemotherapy and about to go for radiotherapy...she's done amazingly well. kept working on and off through it all. need her stamina

Thinking of you both taking care of people. We don't just look after our children do we...

I was just thinking about that whole nearly doing stuff but not ever finishing a job thing. I used to think I was being pedantic or fussy that he would put the dishes in the dishwasher but never wipe up (and that was rare). In fact everything that he considers my job (but never verbalises that) to do with DCs in particular, he 'half' does. Everything I say that's a real problem and please don't do that any more (like fags stubbed out on doorstep) he continues with. I used to put that down to him being set into bad habits. When I was away last week the dcs got in late, or not at all, to school.

I fuck up too, but it's usually my own life - late for appointment for example (and that's rare).

Now I am questioning that. Is this part of the whole package? Is he keeping me endlessly hanging on deliberately?

We are currently clearing out. It's mostly his stuff that's cluttering the place but he gets only my or dcs stuff out to 'go through'. Every space he fills with his junk. I used to think that was territorial shite, 'marking'. But it's not necessary is it? I don't do that. What is it about him that makes him so... obstructive?

Is obstructiveness abuse or is it just men being eejits (what I used to think). Or is it a symptom of having narc. pers. disorder?

Fool, if you are like this, you NEED to take some time out love, YOU ARE WORTH THAT.

I'm sorry, got a touch of the CBA to get butt off sofa last night and didn't come and post as I said I would.

I'm specifically talking to those of you that have just found your ways out, and to those who are close to it, and those that have had their freedom for a while.

My Ex left in February. This was our first DS birthday/Christmas/NY without him.

Now even though the Ex sulks and genuinely ruins every major celebration , fucks it up at the last minute or just fucks OFF totally (as his did for our DS 5th birthday ) I'd have been forgiven for feeling nothing different during this 'festive' period wouldn't i?

WRONG!

My emotions were ALL OVER THE PLACE! Christmas Eve I spent mostly in tears or fighting them back. In the end, X made the effort and contacted us to wish his son a happy christmas The call was nice, it was well meant and I thanked him for it and afterwards felt tons better.

Christmas day was OK, mostly cos I was emailing a guy on OKCupid, who was also spending HIS first christmas alone, and we kind of virtually held hands for the duration.

New Year again was emotional, I struggled, I felt lost, alone and as if I were grieving. but again this all passed , and life is back to normal.

What I wanted to let you all know is that there are stages in our relationships, when we realise that things are not quite right, that actually they are pretty dreadful and then that we have to do something about it.

Likewise when we leave, there is the initial shock, the wrench, the feelings of failure, the fear, the blame. This is when you need your Lundy Bancroft books, they will help you over this hump.

You will get cross angry with him when you understand that he CHOSE to do this to you and that he would never stop, no matter what.

After a while the adrenaline built there that helps you keep on going through this and powers you onto the calm, resolute place you need to be in will start to fade a little. As will the fear you once had. He's gone. You are free, you can stop panting for breath, you can breath deeply, in and out.

THEN you may feel a little flat, lost and alone. But this is when Phase 1 Escape is beginning to end and Phase 2: Rebuild your life can start.

I'm entering Phase 2 now, it's daunting, but has to be done, otherwise you are stuck, and HE WINS....

And we can't have THAT happening now, can we?

What I want you all to know that getting out is not the END, it's the beginning of a new journey, there are plateaus and smooth plains, but there are steps and climbs too. You have to make the steps and the climbs, and you can. There is NOTHING you can't do, each and every one of you is SO strong, SO brave and SO Awesome.

Horse - his stuff is worth keeping, HE is valuing himself. You and the kids have no entitlement to stuff. It's a bit of territory, but mostly TWAT.

He's the epitomy of Bad Father (Freedom Programme) he doesn't 'do' DC, he doesn't DO cleaning, or tidying, it's YOUR job...

The school thing would send me over the edge tbh. BE shit, but don't fuck with the kids education.

Horse, I agree with Hissy about why he probably does it, but really, for you and DCs at least, it doesn't matter why. It's enough that he does it and will not stop doing it. Mostly we do need to work out people's motivations so we can learn to get along with them - manipulate them, if you like, but in a good way. We do that with our spouses not just to get what we want out of them, but to make them happy, because we love them and anyway we're nice people who want everyone to be happy if possible. It doesn't work with the common-or-garden abuser, though, because they don't want everyone to be happy, and why that should be no sane person will ever get their heads round.

horse TF is always telling me the house is full of my sh*t and junk. The last time he did this I replied " well soon we'll be gone and it will only be full of your junk" He told me I was being nasty WTF?
He even told the ss that. This is from a man who only changes his bedsheets once every three months at the earliest. How fecking disgusting. I refuse to wash them. They are unsalvageable and the stench, omg

XH used to love to collect rubbish in piles around him, sometimes literally rubbish, sometimes stuff that might be useful to someone else in some conceivable circumstances but certainly wasn't of any use at all to us at the time (little girls' dresses for example, just in case any of the DCs eventually fathered any little girls that they couldn't afford clothes for, and the infamous part-used pregnancy test kit). He tried to tell me once that "most of" the junk piled in the lounge was mine. I reached for the nearest pile and went "OK, this pair of Y-fronts, they don't look a whole lot like mine; this men's jacket, definitely not my style; looks suspiciously like your T-shirt; three shirts here belonging to the boys, oh, and that's where their socks went; these socks are yours; your winter vest... " He didn't really have an answer, but then, I didn't really expect one.

I can empathise with the shit n junk situation. H may have left but he's left me with all his crap. Its all been put into the spare room!!!

He moved most of it into the room a couple of years back along with the computer...This was, I later found out, where he spent his time watching porn...chatting to god knows who on dating sites, chatting to OW. last year he then built a bed!!!?? with a cupboard underneath to grow his own. The house stunk.

So theres non of his stuff in my imediate surroundings, it was all put in the spare room ages ago. I still can't fathom why??( feel free to analyse ) I think it may have been his way of detaching from us....I firmly believe he must hate me. He definately felt trapped by me and our dcs. People in RL have said he obviously can't handle the responsibility of the dcs.

For instance....DD has been suffering from toothache. She needs to have it out under general anesthetic. He was here the other eve...and launched into full on shouting mode about how HE would ring NHS Direct as they would get her in quicker???? My sis and Bil were here too we just gave each other sideways looks. He is her DAD FGS. He can ring... but no...its all down to me.

My Mum got the all clear yesterday. (She got bowel cancer 2 years ago). Yay!!
Some good news!!!
FOTH....hope your ok today

annie my TF squirrels his crap away. He doesn't leave it out. I'm afraid I'm more guilty of that. My my stuff is productive stuff, things for making knitting, sewing, craft with the kids. though
TF has his areas of the house, his office and various store rooms, his bedroom and bathroom and they are disgusting pits. It's not just messy it's NEVER cleaned. His toilet and is never cleaned, nor his sink and shower. His floors never dusted or hoovered. They are covered in a think layer of hair and dust.

I remember shortly after we first moved in together to this house. It' a big old Georgian rectory and I was trying my best to make it look homely, you know putting up pictures, ornaments etc. I was absolutely crushed when after all my hard work he had a go at me for trying to dominate the house with my stuff. I said to him that he was welcome to put his stuff out, put pictures up etc. He never did of course. he still has a thing about me bing so dominant.

For a while I used to think that living apart was the answer, that we'd get along fine if we had a home clear and organised (I'm that but not OTT) and he had his own space that would be the answer. But he wants to be with us and intermingle. He's always building something adding to the house etc which makes it feel more his. I'm not territorial at all but he's just a pig.

This stuff about stuff and junk is so interesting. I'd never thought to include it as part of the problem relationship. But come to think of it, my STBXH would leave his stuff everywhere. Had two sheds, garage, attic all full of his things and virtual no go areas for anyone else. Plus he left things all over the house too. But if I left a handbag somewhere (even quite tidily) or kids left toys around he would go crazy. This place is a shit-hole, there's stuff everywhere etc. Once he moved out the house has been consistently tidy. He even commented ' typical, just when the place starts looking half decent, I've moved out '...erm...!!

STBXH would also say things about my personal belongings, including those that I inherited from loved ones. He said a doll from my mum was creepy and made a point of laughing about it with the children and visitors. Also, said that he didn't want my Granny's engagement ring in the house (because she got divorced) but it wasn't his to decide on. I thought I was being over-sensitive but can see now that it was part of his wider isolation tactics. More recently he threatened that he would tell his parents to stop talking to me....erm righteo! (I honestly think he thought I'd be devastated about that and it might even encourage me to get back with him).

I have recently contemplated taking a pic of stbx bed and putting it on fb. But I have resisted. I used to be crap at housework, had a depression/lack of housework/blitz clean cycle, but some of this was caused by resentment at stbx hardly lifting a finger. Got better at it with some Flylady help, tailored to my strange way of going about things. Am now holed up in the master bedroom, do a little housework on the rest of the house but am mainly leaving it to stbx. He does do washing up, and occasionally cleans the cooker and... er, that's it.

Will soon be officially single, but oh god the financial settlement still to sort - sol and I did the next steps today.

My particular irritations:
Putting stuff in front of cupboards so I can't put anything away.
Tidying up by relocating objects to places they don't belong.
Reorganising an area of the house and not telling me how he has done it or where he has put anything.
Leaving fag ash about the place
Leaving cups everywhere
Any housework that I normally do, if he ever does it, he will half do it - nearly but just not quite. It's exactly the same to me as where, when I start to believe that he is listening to me during a conversation he will suddenly walk away or do something distracting.

I'm starting to realise how co-dependent I am. This worries me a lot, I've spent my life adapting to his narcissism.

Ahhh yes but the things that annoy me about myself......
half doing jobs
leaving half put away stuff around the house in places they don't belong
moving piles instead of dealing with them.....
but surprise surprise I am getting better at all this now I don't have him around..........

Update.
The police have been to see him they were so clear that all this was wrong and criminal, taken statements witnesses.....made me feel cos to me it is all just "normal"
wow he's done a good job on me

Hello I am new to all this, never having posted messages anywhere before. I managed to get out of a violent and controlling relationship in April by getting him to leave. I cant say its been great so far infact its been dreadful to the point where it would have been better to have stayed as things stand right now. I know that won't be the case in time and I would like to move things on but frankly have no idea how.

fool did you something else happen? Or was it because of his rant at the party? Did you call the police? Thinking of you xx

Hello daisy sending hugs. Can you say a bit more about your current situation? Perhaps there is something you have overlooked that would improve things, and someone here might be able to point that out?

Hello All. Welcome Daisy....Im a relative newcomer to this thread too. Well Done for coming this far Daisy. I also feel like you. like im stagnant...unsure of how to move forward with my life.....

Its been 5 weeks since H moved out, and although im more relaxed Im just mulling things over. All that has happened to me just seems to be whirling around in my mind.
Maybe i just need to take stock and work through everything.

Take Care